ediefy

My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me a month ago, without any warning. Things seemed really good--we weren't living together or talking about any kind of long-term commitment. We had an exclusive relationship, were great friends and companions, had tons in common, a great sex life, and everything seemed fine. He called me "my love" and held my hand in the car and pinched my bum when he walked by. And then, suddenly, I get this email saying that as much as he "loved our time together and so valued our friendship, his heart just couldn't go there," followed by a short phone call. There was little or no explanation, and I was in shock--I mean, this guy is 53 years old, and we've always been pretty straight with each other. I've talked to him once since then, asking if we could at least go to a few therapy sessions to work through breaking up (he wasn't particularly interested, and was angry at me for telling people he broke up with me in email and insisting that he come get his stuff the next day). He told me that there wasn't anyone else involved, just that his heart felt numb and he wasn't sure what was going on for him. We were supposed to go on vacation together about 2 weeks later--he took his daughter instead, and I went on vacation by myself to visit friends. Now I'm back, and find myself thinking about it all the time, trying to understand how anyone could/would do that. When I think back to all that we did together, and how comfortable and easy our relationship was, I just can't begin to understand how someone could just cut that off so abruptly and completely. I'm starting to function again, and am trying to move on, but the lack of closure is killing me. I find myself having all of these conversations with him in the middle of the night (in my mind, that is). I just don't get it. Can anyone out there shed any light on this kind of breakup? I didn't expect it at all--even his friends are amazed at how harsh this has been. I may never understand it completely, but I'd sure like to be able to put it to bed (so to speak) for myself and really let it go.

You are in such a tough spot. The link between the two of you--your child--keeps you in contact with a woman who is synonymous with pain in your life. You just keep scraping the scab off the wound every time you see her. Eventually, it will become a callus and then a scar, but it'll take a really long time to heal. If there's any way for you to pick your son up from a third party--your ex could drop him off, you could pick him up there--you might find it a bit easier. I don't have kids, so I don't know if this is workable or even a good solution, but it seems to me that NC (except if you need to discuss matters related to your son) is the only way forward. If you do see/talk to her, keep the focus on issues around your son and nothing else, until you're completely over her. Otherwise, this is going to be a really long recovery for you, I'm afraid. I feel for you--wish there was an easy way to get over these things. Even without kids, I'm hurting a lot, a month after getting dumped out of the blue. And it sucks. Best of luck to you--

I can also relate. My ex dumped me without any warning a little over a month ago. None of his friends (the ones I've talked to) understand it--things seemed very good with us. I still don't know quite what happened or why, and the lack of closure is difficult for me to handle, too. I left town for 9 days and visited friends on the west coast, but now I'm back and it just feels bad, knowing he's just a few miles away, choosing not to contact me (and yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of the day we met, too, which didn't help). I do talk therapy and also take anti-depressants. Both seem to help--the talk therapy piece makes me feel like I'm not constantly relying on my friends to listen to me whine about it--they've all been great, but enough's enough already. I do feel more functional than I did at first, and can focus on work for a few hours each day. I try to get out of the house (I work at home) at least once a day to do something physical--go horseback riding, walk on the beach, am starting a yoga class this week. But it still sucks, and I hate waking up and remembering what has happened. It's a constant mystery, how he could be calling me "my love" one day and then sending me email with a breakup message a few days later. I don't know how anyone could treat another person with such a lack of compassion. So, hang in there. Do try to eat--I found that for a while I could only eat chocolate milkshakes, so I just made them at home and tossed some protein powder in with the milk and ice cream. I'm still not back to eating quite right, but I think I'm getting back on track a bit. Still some hard days ahead, I know, and plenty of tears, but somehow, we all have to learn to accept loss and live with it and move on. What other choice do we really have? There was life before the person who hurt us, and there will be life afterwards. It just doesn't seem to get here soon enough, does it? Take care.

Be really careful if you keep seeing this guy. And stop communicating by email--ask him to call you, not send email, and you do the same. I just was dumped by a guy who sounds kind of like your new guy. He came on gangbusters (I was wary) and, once I finally started to come around to thinking I liked him, he started backing off, not calling or sending email, etc. We rarely talked on the phone--it was largely an email relationship, and I didn't hear much from him between times when we saw each other. He was great when we were together, but didn't seem so interested in maintaining a connection when we weren't together. (He lived 50 minutes away from me.) Ultimately, he broke up with me via email, which was both cruel and convenient (for him, not me). So, be careful here and be sure to take care of yourself. The last thing you need after what you've already been through is a guy who has commitment issues, even if you're just dating. It's just not worth it. Good luck!

Wow. You folks are great. Really great. I am going to do whatever I can to move ahead with as much positive energy as I can generate. To mend my broken heart, I'm on a wonderful horseback riding trip down the coast of Northern California this week (they have wireless access at the inn where I'm staying). After that, it'll be full steam ahead. I'm dreading going home a little, though, because I have yet to go through the 1) running into him at the supermarket and 2) running into him at the supermarket with whatever new woman he starts dating. But I am not going to let him own the town--it's my new home, and I'll just have to tough it out if I see him (it's been over a month since I last saw him--when we were still together--he broke up with me via email and over the phone, briefly). So, it's kind of like knowing there's a root canal in my future, but not knowing when it'll happen. But I'll get through those two things, ball my eyes out for a few days, and move on. Thanks a million. This is such a great forum.

I've been reading forums here for a few weeks--ever since I got dumped by my boyfriend of the past two years. He has commitment issues (not that I was looking for marriage or even living together), and, when things felt too good, he tended to freak out and flee. So, that's been hard, because when we were together, we got along really well and had tons in common. (We're both in our 50s.) I moved up near where he lives a few months ago, mostly because I wanted to be near the ocean and good horseback riding, but it didn't hurt that we lived a lot closer than we used to. I love the house I bought up there, and want to stay there and make a life for myself without him. But I realize the extent to which loneliness made me stay with him longer than I should have. I loved him, but I am finding that a big piece of what I'm mourning is that I have not had the kind of normal partnership relationships with men for the past 20 years or so. Back in college and grad school, I had pretty normal relationships that lasted a few years or more. Then I got involved with a man for 11 years who was kind of unstable--we lived together until I finally kicked him out because he was cheating on me. After that, I stayed alone for about 4 years, then had two shortish relationships with men who just disappeared. Then this most recent guy, who came on like gangbusters and then backed off as soon as I decided he seemed like a good bet. The bottom line is that I've spent a lot of the past 10 years alone, without a partner with whom I can do all the things couples do--have other couples over to dinner, travel together, hang out, ignore each other, talk about what to have for dinner, make love, hug, etc. I want to change this pattern of bad choices and being alone. I'm 50 years old, in great shape, good-looking, smart, accomplished, I have my own money, I'm pretty optimistic a lot of the time (not the past month, but that's situational). Why can't I spot the guys who are so wounded that it'll just never work out? I've been reading up on commitment-phobes, and feel like I have a pretty good understanding of my role in this. But now I live in a new town, and the only people I know are his friends, so I've got to start all over again, building a life from the ground up. Does anyone out there have any kind of similar experience that they managed to turn around into a fulfilling and happy life? I'm really not a sad person, I have a lot of good energy, a generous heart, and good friends who, unfortunately, all live pretty far away. Can anyone help me get through this loneliness and on to a good life, filled with love and joy?

Danimal--one thing I did that I found helpful was to sit down and write the whole story of the 2 years I dated my ex, from start to finish. Everything I could remember. Putting it down on paper helped a lot--reading it a few times reduced all of those poignant moments and hard times to just words on paper. The events started to lose their power to hurt me when I thought about them. It really released me in a way I never would have guessed. Yes, I balled my eyes out as I wrote it, but afterwards, as I read it over and over again, it really stopped those horrible personal movies that played in my head, reminding me of all that I felt I'd lost. And, interestingly enough, there was enough information in what I wrote for me to see that there were a lot of not-so-great-times with him. Times when he wasn't all there for me, times when he wasn't empathetic or interested in what I was going through in my work life. Even though I'm still really sad and miss him, it's not like it was at first. All those memories are still dear to me, but not hurtfully so. You might try it, just to release all of the love and hurt you feel. She's a screwed-up person. Let her go with love--she's doing what she's doing because there are lessons she needs to learn. And it's terrible that you got hurt in the process. Hang in there.

I'm coming in late on this one--my boyfriend dumped me a month ago, Gradie, and I tell you, it's a terrible thing to live through. But everyone here is right--leave him be for now. You have to trust the universe and understand that you have to let him go with love, and move on with your own life. He may or may not come back, but you have to get past this. Make the most of your own life, and stop harassing him and obsessing about him. Why give one guy that much power over your life and happiness? You can't control him, you can't make him do anything. What you can do is love him unconditionally, which means letting him go to pursue whatever it is that he needs to pursue right now. And take care of yourself, too. Become your own best friend, the love of your own life. You just have to. You have no other choice, and all you're doing now is making yourself crazy and driving him farther away. LET HIM GO. Move on. You can do it. Really. (I live north of Boston, and it is an amazing town for people your age. Get out there, girl. Explore.)

Hang in there, LostAngel. I know how hard it is. I'm still hoping against hope that my guy comes back--yet I know it's probably not the right thing for me in the long run. I don't know if he'll ever come back, though, and so I'm moving on. I even hired a fairly expensive dating service (not just an internet thing) so I will finally start to meet men who actually are interested in a long-term, committed relationship. My ex is a total commitment-phobe, which is why he broke up with me (even though I wasn't asking for a big-deal commitment). Things were too good, too stable, and he just couldn't handle it. We were supposed to be in the Caribbean this week--he took his daughter instead. So, I booked my own vacation in California--even though I'd much rather be with him. But what else can I do? And, so, what else can you do? Just move on with your life. There are other men, really, there are. And you sound like a person with a very loyal, generous, and loving heart--so find yourself someone who deserves all that you have to offer. That's what I plan to do. You can do it, too. Hugs to you--I know it's hard, but just put one foot in front of the other and LET THE GUY GO as completely as you can. e.

Kazman-- You might just ask the woman from the gym out for coffee. You never know, the two of you might click and you might not want your ex back after all. Just keep it light, a nice friendly cup of coffee, nothing more. If nothing comes of it, there's no foul, no injury. And think about why you want the ex back. Who wants to be someone's backup guy? Don't you deserve to be #1? -e.

LostAngel- I know how hard this is for you--I'm dreading the day I run into my ex with another woman--but I know the day will come, and it'll be hard as anything to deal with. BUT, you really have to let him go with love now. He's doing whatever it is he needs to do at this point in his life and development, and your job is to become the love of your own life. I know that sounds strange, but, believe me, it's really important that you focus completely on yourself, and try to forget about him for now. Trust in the universe--everything will happen in its own time, and you can't force it or make it happen any differently. Faith, patience, trust, and loving yourself. All hard to do when you're feeling the way you are (and sometimes I feel the same way you do, except over the past year, I've become the love of my own life--at least most of the time). Be gentle with yourself, without being hard on him. Just let him go. Love him enough to let him be who he has to be right now, with the people he chooses to be with. That's what unconditional love really is--let him be who he is. And love yourself enough not to torture yourself with what he's doing. Get out of town for a vacation or even a long weekend. Make plans with friends for Friday and Saturday nights, even if you don't feel like doing anything. Take an art class or yoga or join a book group. Yes, it all sounds so corny, but it does work. It takes time. And you are totally worth it. After all, you are the only person you're guaranteed to be spending your entire life with. Hugs to you. e.

A friend of mine once told me that the best way to catch a cat that doesn't want to be caught is to walk away from it. Same goes for horses. And ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. People want the thing they can't quite have, especially if it was once available to them and doesn't seem to be available any longer. So, don't obsess about the phone call or the guy, if you can help it (easier said than done, I know). You did just fine on the phone, from what you said. If you really want to get the guy back (and this is NOT something you can count on, nor should you live your life expecting it), let him go as completely as you can. Really. And, do feel better about yourself. We all think you're great! e.

I am so sorry to hear about this latest loss. But you are smart not to contact him--he will find out from someone else, and then he may call you to express his sympathy. If so, play it cool, thank him for the call, and GET OFF THE PHONE as soon as you politely can. Don't let the conversation move to other topics, like your breakup or what he's doing now, or what you're doing now. It will be hard, but stay tough. In the long run, it'll help. My ex just went off on the vacation we were supposed to take together to the Caribbean, which we canceled when we broke up. Took his 21-year-old daughter instead. I cried my eyes out all day Saturday (the day we were supposed to be leaving). Found out from a friend that night that he went anyway. Oh, well. Better his daughter than some new woman, I guess. But I can't help imagining what we would have been doing together if I was there with him and things were like they were just a month ago. I even went out on a date Friday night. Nice enough guy, but not like my ex (which ultimately could be a good thing, but I'm not there yet). Cried all the way on the drive to meet the guy, and all the way home. Still too raw to date, I guess. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can take this, but since there's no other choice, I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other as best I can. Time is just dragging, though, and sometimes my sadness is so completely overwhelming. I'm leaving for a 9-day vacation later this week, which I hope will help, although I will have to come home at the end of it and face all of this again. It all stinks, doesn't it?

There's no way this guy is going to forget you. And if you want to be friends eventually, if he's really your friend, he'll wait until you're ready to be friends. True friendships are not easily undone. So, don't worry that if you do NC, you'll be nothing but a spot in his rearview mirror. That's just not going to happen after all of the time you were together. You may never be friends again, but you never know. A very smart comedian once said, "If you want to see God laugh, tell him your plans." Trust that there is a larger plan, even if you don't yet know what it is. All of this is leading you into uncharted territory, which is scary, but can also be exciting once you surrender to it. Take heart.

You should go out and buy this book: He's Scared, She's Scared, by Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol. It will really help to explain what's going on with him, and why he can be with someone else so quickly. (It has nothing to do with you, or what you did, or who you are. Really.) You'll learn why you guys have had this kind of yo-yo relationship for the past year. It also has some great tips and advice for recovering from a relationship like yours (and mine). I have found it very helpful in my own breakup (and throughout my relationship, actually). You might be able to find it at your local library, if you can't afford to buy it (it's a paperback you should be able to find at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon, etc.). Best of luck to you. You can do this!

Don't drive yourself crazy, thinking you did something wrong. You didn't. The guy just isn't that into you right now. He may or may not be back, and, if he does ever come back, you may or may not want him back. In the meantime, try to let him go. He clearly needs to do something else right now, and so do you. Let him go with love in your heart. My heart goes out to you. I talked to my BF yesterday, and, although we clarified a few misunderstandings about the actual events around our breakup, the result is still the same. We're apart, for the time being, and maybe forever. I'm sad, very sad. But I also recognize that this is how it has to be, so I'd better work at looking at what else (and who else) I want in my life, since odds are I won't have him. A terrible loss, and a terrible shame. But there it is. The reality. I have to believe it will get easier for me. And for you, too.

Hi--It's amazing how many people are going through the same thing at the same time. My bf dumped me with no warning a little over 2 weeks ago. We had a few email messages just to arrange for him to come pick up his stuff and return mine, and that's it, pretty much. Because he didn't tell me why he broke up with me (after 2 years together, he sent me a short email message to break up!), I sent him email yesterday--very short, asking him to send me a letter telling me what really happened, the whole truth. I want it in writing for a couple of reasons--because I want to be able to reread it whenever I start thinking that things are going to work out with him (they aren't), and also because it forces him to face himself a bit. He's got huge commitment problems (even though I wasn't asking him for one), and I know he's probably already involved with someone new or else back with his ex (the real love of his life). But neither of those relationships are going to work, either, because he's so afraid of getting swallowed up. I think, in your case, NC all the way is the way to go. And start thinking about what you want to manifest in your own life, instead of obsessing about what he's doing. That way, you'll be fine whether he comes back or not, and you certainly won't be sitting around waiting for him. That's what I'm trying to do--it's hard, because I moved to be near him and don't have any good friends here yet, but I am going to do everything I can to build a new life, with or without him. I hope you can do that, too.

Don't fall for this. Let go, walk away, save yourself a whole lot of heartbreak later. I know it's hard, but I've been through this whole scenario a few times with different men, and I have learned by experience that if the guy breaks up with you, he's not THE GUY. Go find someone you're more compatible with. There are lots of fish in the sea, and you may find someone who has many of the good qualities you see in your ex, with the additional bonus of being way into being with you.