ediefy

Why these women don't come right out and tell you how they feel: it's a moving target, and maybe they're not sure yet. You're still getting to know the lifeguard and CE, and they both know (I think) what you've been going through, to some extent, so they might be afraid to express too much liking for you lest it become a whole rebound situation. Or else they just don't know, honestly, and are waiting to see what they think. Or else they may be waiting for you to be the first to say "I really like you." There could be any of a million reasons why they're not spilling their beans on how they feel about you. Pay attention to how they act. And give voice to your own feelings when you feel like that's what you want to do, not because you want to hear back from them what they feel (and don't expect they'll respond in kind), but because it's what you feel, and you just want them to know. At least that's my philosophy (sorry, didn't mean to get into lecture mode).

Rion--don't lose heart. This stuff takes time, and your situation is complicated because you can't do complete NC with your ex. Trust me, there is someone else out there for you who has many of the qualities you love in your ex, and much more. Some of what you're feeling are aftershocks--sort of a "ghost pain" that feels completely real, but ultimately is not based in what's actually there. I know how you feel---even though I am starting to fall for this new guy, there are times when I miss the ex immensely. Yet, when I look back at the way things really were with the ex, I can see that the potential with the new guy is much larger, and a much better fit for me. I can think about the ex and say to myself, "If only he could have loved me, it would have been perfect." The truth is that the guy couldn't really love me (or anyone, near as I can tell), so there's no way for it to work out. Be as patient as you can with yourself. Don't push yourself into some new intense thing--seems to me you're doing just fine, taking it as it comes with CE and the lifeguard. And in those moments of painful recollection and longing, try to breathe a few deep breaths and take heart. Go for a walk or work out or something--distract yourself from thinking that way as best you can. You will find love with a new person, and it will be better than anything you've experienced to date. Trust that it will happen, because it will.

If you reread your last post and compare it to where you were when you first started out on this journey--night and day, huh? Pretty cool that you're making all of these changes and stepping out to reclaim your life and move ahead probably farther than you would have thought possible. And I think CE likes you a lot--you just need to ask her out for the weekend at the beginning of the week, to better the odds that she'll be free. She can't be sitting around not making plans with other people just because you _might_ ask her out on Wednesday. She sounds like a good bet--not clingy, not overly dependent on your attention, which is a good thing because it sounds like you'll have a fair amount to take care of in your own life as you get into all of these new things (school, job). Good for you. You're kicking butt these days, in the best possible way. (And I seem to be falling in love with the new guy. I never would have believed that I would find someone who has so many of the ex's better qualities and way, way more, to boot. But there he is, and he seems to be smitten with me, too. Yahoo!)

It's killer how the exes can still make one's heart twinge so badly at times. Aftershocks, I think. I am seeing a great new guy--really, really like him a lot, and he likes me. He's way more communicative than the ex, better-looking, more talented, an all-around good guy in a million ways. And yet, at times, I really miss the ex and wish I was with him instead. I'm a little irritated at myself for feeling this way, but there it is, so I'm just trying to let the feelings come as they may, and deal with them as best I can in the moment. Ultimately, I guess it's a testament to how deeply we both cared about our exes, and how large a capacity for love and connection we have. Nothing wrong with that. Hope you feel better and better as time goes on. Best to feel the feelings and get them all out there, so you can really move on. And I hope you get that first real kiss from the new woman in your life, and it's more spectacular than you ever thought possible.

It's interesting. For the first time in my life, I haven't had one moment of doubt about myself. I'm pretty clear that it wasn't really about me at all--I've come to think that there definitely was someone else on his mind, and he wanted to be free to pursue that. I didn't do anything any differently at the end of our relationship than I did at the start--I'm very consistent, very stable (in fact, he told me about 2 weeks before he broke up with me that I 'grounded' him, and he thought that was a really good thing in his life--and I think that was true). I am who I am, for better or worse, and that's not going to change at this point (I'm 50 years old, and have enough evidence elsewhere in my life that I am a good person, and a great friend and partner). If it wasn't a good fit for him, then that's just how it is. I figure I have nothing to apologize for. He might, though. I would never have left someone I'd been with for 2 years without insisting on having a conversation in person (even if the other person didn't want to--I would push for it, just so they wouldn't carry around this "not knowing" thing I now carry with me). And if he hadn't seemed to be so happy up until that last day, it would make more sense. In retrospect, there probably were some subtle signs that all was not well, but he kept those things hidden from view, for the most part. I just spent most of the weekend with the new guy, who's really great. I think the more time I spend with him the less and less I'll think of the ex. The new guy and I talked about our exes last night--we both admitted to missing them very much at times, which was kind of good to know. Made me feel less guilty about having these feelings for the ex, and clearly, these kinds of feelings are normal for everyone (the new guy did get closure with his ex, which does seem to make a big difference). I hope I get to the point that I just feel grateful for the time the ex and I were together, instead of wishing (as I do now) that I had never met him. On the plus side, I'm pretty sure he didn't cheat on me while we were together, even if he may have been entertaining ideas about it at the very end (a friend of his told me that the night before the ex broke up with me, he told the friend that he "didn't want to have an affair on me," as he put it). So, at least he did a relatively honorable thing before going off with someone else, if that's what happened. Thanks for replying to my post. Good to know that I'm not the only person out here who's having weird heartbreak aftershocks, three months after the fact. I only hope that I can get clear of these twinges soon, so I can be fully present and enjoy the wonderful man who's come into my life. (And, as for finding a good guy, just keep looking, put yourself out there, keep a good thought in your head about the wonderful partner you want and deserve. He'll come along, I promise, and probably not in the way you expect. You sound like someone with her head screwed on straight. Hang in there.)

Well, I'm sitting here, about 12 weeks after the last time my ex and I were together, reading your postings, folks. I haven't talked to the ex or seen him in person for months now, and I have cut off contact with his friends and family. I've moved on, have been dating a lot, and have met one guy in particular who's great--nicer to me than the ex, smarter than the ex, able to connect with me more than the ex, a better musician than the ex, a better and more attentive lover than the ex, etc. And yet I still want the ex, even though the way he broke up with me was awful (in email, with no warning whatsoever--after two years together, no big blowup, nothing like that). I grieved deeply for a while, really let it all hang out, and thought I was in good shape to get out there and date again. And I probably am, except from time to time I'll be out with the new guy and suddenly wish I was with the ex, who's probably out with some new woman (I have no idea what's gone on with him since we split--and haven't even tried to find out). I still don't know why he broke up with me, exactly--he didn't explain, and didn't want to talk to me when I tried to get him to give me some context a few weeks after he dropped the bomb. All day today I've felt like he's going to get in touch with me, and yet I doubt it, since he hasn't exactly reached out to me since May. And I don't even know what I'd do if he did get in touch. He's clearly not a good partner, very unpredictable, and supremely non-communicative. He didn't treat me all that well, ultimately, and if one of my friends had been going out with him and got dumped like I did, I'd advise her to steer clear of him. So, why do I keep thinking about him? We were good companions, I liked his sense of humor, we both liked to watch sports, and had the same attitudes and opinions about lots of things. We had fun together--more fun than not. We rarely disagreed. Since I don't know what happened, getting closure has been tough. And I really like the new guy A LOT. We're compatible in many, many ways, So what is my problem? How do I get the ex out of my head and just enjoy the present with this new person in my life?

Congratulations on the date. I doubt you're as boring as you think you are--you need to learn to be more gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a good friend--you'd never be so openly critical of a friend. I decided to go for it this weekend and had that first-sex-after-breaking-up experience. It went pretty well--the guy I'm dating is a very nice guy, also recovering from a fairly recent breakup, so we talked about the whole thing before anything happened, which I think made us both feel both closer and safer with each other. It's so nice to have someone else on my mind! On another note, I was driving down the highway last night and saw my ex's car coming up behind me in the fast lane. Looked over as it passed--I think his son was driving. Never saw me, never even looked over, and then zoomed on ahead. Had a brief thought to follow, just to be sure it wasn't actually the ex, and then thought 1) who cares, it would change nothing, and 2) not worth getting a speeding ticket for. Felt like a good, sane, healthy choice. It did shake me up a little to see the car, though. Haven't seen him since three days before he dumped me (way back in May). Eventually, I'm sure we'll run into each other somewhere. Hope it'll be a while yet. (BTW, 3 years between your age and the woman you had the date with may seem like a lot to you, but it isn't. The guy I'm seeing is 43, I'm 50. I've never, ever dated (or slept with) anyone that much younger before. But we're really pretty close in age and experience after all. So, don't get hung up on that. In a few years, it _really_ won't matter.) Hope this wasn't an overshare on my part... I'll be sad when you're no longer reporting in on your life. It's been good to follow along....

No, you are not a bad guy. You absolutely have to go with your gut, and you were up front enough with this woman to let her know ahead of time--you didn't stand her up, you didn't say things that were untruthful. This whole internet dating thing makes it hard to suss out exactly what the other person is like. If this woman was calling you a lot already and wanting to latch onto you before even meeting you, you were probably right to back off and shut it all down. Imagine if you had met and she'd decided you were the cat's pajamas and got even more clingy! I hope your other date goes well. After my date last night, I thought about it a lot, and sent email to the guy today telling him that I want to see him, am happy to hold hands and kiss, but that I need to get to know him better before we jump into bed together. Intimacy is, well, too intimate, until I know him better and have a sense of a deeper connection with him. Otherwise, it's just sex, and I have never been good at separating my heart from the rest of me.

So. Here's a thing. How do you think you'll feel about eventually having sex/making love with, say, the lifeguard? I'm just asking because I've met someone I like a lot, and I can see where things are headed with this guy--probably this weekend. He seems like a good guy, we've seen each other now 4 times (twice out to dinner, once dinner at his place, once at mine). We're clearly very attracted to each other, but I'm a little concerned about how I'll do if we get intimate any time soon. I'm still thinking about being with my ex that way, and I don't want to freak out with this very nice new guy if we should end up in the sack together. Have you thought at all about that or is it too early in your process for that kind of thing?

It's just hard, hard, hard at this point, isn't it? I have some fun times these days when I can forget what's happened. I just wish I could fall out of love with him--in fact, I wish I never met him at all, which isn't what I'd like to feel. I'd like to feel grateful for our time together and let him go with love. Not quite there yet. But still standing (sort of). This has been a hard week. I hope it gets easier. Best to you--I'm sure you're quite attractive. That is something you can believe--and be sure to tell yourself so when you look in the mirror. Really. It does help.

Exactly 2 months to the day for me. My guy dumped me out of the blue, no warning, no fight, we got along very well, things were good. I was doing pretty well until this past week when I seemed to lose some ground. Crying again, feeling that heaviness in the morning when I wake up. I do manage to have hours in the day when I don't think of him, but if I don't stay busy, I'm right back there, thinking about what happened, wondering why he did what he did. I got no closure, even though I asked if we might have a session or two with a therapist just to talk things through a bit--he said no and haven't heard from him since. I've been reading lots of books about Men Who Can't Love and so forth, which have been amazingly right on target in terms of how our relationship went, from start to finish. So, my modus operandi is to stay as busy as I can. I am dating again, but casually (and I am truthful with my dates about where I am with all of this). It does help to feel attractive and desireable, but I still come home missing him. I really want to get over feeling like I hate the way things worked out. I'm hoping that one day I will be grateful all of this happened, but right now it's still just one day at a time. You sound stronger than me--how do you do it?

Glad to hear that you are feeling good these days. I seem to have fallen back a few steps--to be expected, I guess. It's been exactly two months since he broke up with me, and the past couple of days have been harder than the weeks that preceded them. I told some mutual friends that I needed to not see them for a while because it just made me remember how much fun Tom and I had together--I hope they understand, it's just too hard. Things with Tom seemed fine up until that moment when he dropped the bomb, and I've heard NOTHING from him since. I've been doing a lot of reading about "Men who can't love" and narcissistic personalities, and it helps to learn more about how relationships with these kinds of people tend to do--there is a clear pattern of behavior for both parties, and both of us played our roles pretty much to the letter. I just want this part to be over. I hate waking up each morning feeling that weight in my heart. It's less intense than it was, but it's still there. I am trying to cultivate patience and just surrender to the feelings when they are strong (I let myself cry). But it stinks, and I find that I wish I'd never met him. I'd rather feel grateful for our time together, but I'm not there yet. It is helpful to hear how you're doing, so keep it up. Good for you for maintaining control over your space and your boundaries. Keep on doing it on your terms. Best to you--

Exactly two years ago today, my ex and I first made love. From that to this seems like a long, lonely road. Hope I get over him soon, too. These "anniversaries" stink. You might back off the lifeguard for a few days, and then see if she wants to have a beer after work.... You don't want to seem too eager (I met one guy recently who practically jumped up and licked my face, he was so eager. Really made me back way, way off.) Have a good day! I'm tryng to, in spite of the memories.

I know the feeling that you don't get phone calls, no one bothers to look you up, etc. The more you work at getting in touch with people and staying in touch with them, the more you'll feel connected to the world, not isolated from it. Every day at about 5:30 or so, I get really depressed. So, now I call a friend--I have a few people I can always call--and it really helps get me through that, so I can go on and have an okay evening at home alone. Lean on your friends. I'm sure you brought a lot into your ex's life. You just can't rely on your ex to tell you how wonderful you really were, and are. It's hard feeling like you don't matter. Don't go there--you do matter. You really do.

I agree with perseverence. You can't play the game if you just sit on the bench. Talk to her, ask her if she'd like to go out sometime (you don't have to specify exactly when). What the heck, right? I've had several dates with various guys this week. Still would rather be with my ex, but it's been interesting, and almost all of them have been very nice people, so the time has been enjoyable. No fireworks, but right now I wouldn't trust that anyway. (I kind of hate the beginning of relationships anyway--it's like being on a rollercoaster emotionally. I always feel like I kind of have the flu. I really prefer things once I've really gotten to know someone and things are easy and fun. I realize I'm probably the only one in the world who feels this way, but that's how it is.) Good luck!!!!!

Good luck with the lady lifeguard. I think it's okay that you talked about your ex--best to be honest about where you are and what you've been going through. She'd figure it out soon enough anyway. Surf's up!

Wow. You two really support each other. That's nice to see--and a big help in life. I'm having a strange day. I woke up feeling kind of positive about the breakup, as if Tom had done me a favor, and that the best was yet to come. As the day has gone on, I've started to lose that. I work at home, and it can get kind of weird to be here all day with no one to talk to. I try to get out every day to do something, whether it's going out to lunch with a friend or horseback riding or just going for a walk. It helps to have company for at least part of each day. Today I worked for several hours and then mowed the lawn. There's some gardening I could do, and probably will, but I get so quiet and thoughtful when I am doing yard work, and that's when things start to close in a bit. (I have made progress--at first, I would mow the lawn and cry the whole time. Now I can mow the lawn and just think too much and get sort of sad.) I've got several guys sending me email, wanting to get together for dinner and/or coffee, which I will follow up on, but there is still a part of me that wants my ex back, that wants him to show up on my doorstep, begging me to take him back. Intellectually, I doubt that will ever happen (never has, for me), but emotionally, I still want to be rescued from this whole episode and get back to the life I loved so much. I know I'm getting better and healing, but it sure is one step forward, two steps back sometimes. I really want this all to be over, so I don't care about it anymore, so I don't think about it all day, so I don't want to be with him at all, and just feel grateful for the time we had and what we both got from our relationship. Not there yet.

Hey, don't worry about being long-winded here. The space on this site is free and unlimited. And I know exactly how you feel--there's just so much to say, over and over and over, until it sorts itself out. And it's actually helpful for me to read about other people's struggles--makes mine seem normal and okay. I had a "date" yesterday--nice enough guy, a fun day, but of course, I cried all the way home, missing my ex. God, this is hard. Haven't seen him for 45 days, haven't talked ot him for almost a month. Am maintaining NC, but I admit that I wonder how he can be only a few miles away and doesn't want to see me. We were great together (or so it seemed). Ah, well, I guess better things are to come. Thanks for the dream info. Very interesting. Have a good day--keep your chin up. I will, too.

Are you writing in a journal these days? if not, try it. It doesn't matter what you write at all--it's a good place to just pour it all out on paper. The more you write about it, over time, the more it just becomes words on paper. Writing about the breakup and how you feel (all of the conflicting feelings you're having right now) helps to purge your system, and is one of the pieces that will help you move ahead as you grieve. It's clear that you like words, and like lyrics. Even just putting the lyrics in a journal can help. Good luck! There are all kinds of people out here pulling for you. (I just woke up from a dream where I saw my ex's car parked near some woods, and tried to find him in the woods. Didn't manage to.)

I'm sorry that you're hurting. It stinks, no way around it. Here's what I think might help you really get going on feeling better: Change your locks. If you have stuff that is hers, put it in garbage bags out on your front porch and tell her that she has to come get it when you're not home. Give her a deadline, and after that date, take it to the dump or put it in the garbage. If there are big pieces of furniture, tell her that the stuff will be out on your porch or in the driveway on such-and-such a date (give her a week's notice), and that she has to arrange to pick it up, or you're giving it away/tossing it. I know it sounds harsh, but you need to never see this person again. She's treated you horribly, and has no right to have access to you. She's not the person you once loved, she's changed, and she's no one you know or want to know. It was interesting--after my ex dumped me, I put all of his stuff in a garbage bag and put it out on the front porch and sent him email, telling him to come get it the next day. He finally got it three days later. When I did speak to him briefly after that, he was totally pissed at me for making him come get it right away. He was hurt, if you can believe that! What did he expect? He broke up with me with no warning at all, and I couldn't stand to have any of his stuff (including nearly all of the gifts he gave me) in my house. Was I supposed to keep it in a shrine or something? So. Shut her out of your life and move on. Really. You'll feel awful, but at least you'll know that she can't just show up and let herself in anytime she likes. Best of luck to you--

I can relate. 6 weeks ago exactly my ex dumped me (in email, no less). We always got along well, were very compatible, and didn't have a big argument that precipitated the breakup. It's like he just suddenly changed channels and turned my channel off. No closure whatsoever, and I haven't seen him once since I got the email. I talked to him briefly about 2 weeks after the breakup, asking if we could at least go to a couple of therapy sessions to get some closure (he was uninterested in doing so). But that's it, after 2 years together. The past 6 weeks have been like walking underwater. I just keep holding my breath, trying to put one foot in front of the other. It doesn't necessarily get "easier," but it does get less overtly emotional as time goes on. I can still bawl my eyes out at times, but less and less. It's more like there's this dull ache all the time, which I can only hope will lessen over time. I am just starting to go out again, and am meeting new guys over coffee, etc. but I am sad as I go to and from these encounters, because I really only want to be with my ex. Which makes no sense, because anyone who could treat me the way he did in this breakup is a jerk, period. So, I'm working on getting angry about it, because it's certainly not the way someone who was my lover and best friend should have behaved. I would never treat anyone like that. Everything I read about breakups says that anger is a necessary part of getting over someone. And, let's face it, if the guy (or girl) dumps you, they're definitely not The One, because The One wouldn't do that. So, best of luck to you, 3 weeks after your split. It does get less horrible as time goes on. NC is a good idea, I think, so if you can stick with that, it'll probably help speed your recovery. The only way out is moving through it. Best of luck to you.

I just had a bizarre experience. I decided to try taking a yoga class, so I went tonight for the first time. It was 90 minutes, and, by the time it was just about over, I could tell I was going to lose it. I managed to get to my car before I just bawled my eyes out. Yelled out loud, crying, all the way home, and then really fell apart when I got in the door. Called a friend in my most hysterical moment, and she said that it made sense to her--something about yoga opening things up that I was probably keeping in check. Wow. It was really intense. I cried for a good 15-20 minutes--wailing actually--gave myself a doozy of a headache and a stomachache. Eventually I calmed down--my friend kept me on the phone with her until I did. Getting all of this hurt out of my system is a really hard process. Hardest thing I think I've ever done. (It's been a hard day. just before I woke up this morning, I, too, had a dream. I dreamt that I was with my ex in the kitchen, and I asked him, "How's this really going for you?" and he smiled at me and said, "Our relationship is going great. Just great." That felt good! And then I woke up and remembered what the truth of the situation is. Sad way to wake up. If this is what healing is, I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out, I think.) Glad to hear that you've had a pretty good day. May tomorrow be even better!

Don't doubt for a minute that this is indeed your path. You're not just a bit player in someone else's destiny. Everyone is the star of their own life movie--the problem is that we don't get to write the script. And it's often not very clear why hard things happen (especially when they're happening). But, if you look back at your life, it is kind of a straight line to where you are now. And you do have a future, you just can't see it now. I know the feeling. I've been doing pretty well for a couple of days, and ran headlong into a raft of tears and a feeling of hopelessness this afternoon. First day of summer and I'm on my own again. I was really looking forward to summer with him, and now he's probably having that fun with someone new. Oh, well. There was life before I knew him, and there will be life after him. I don't know why we came into each other's lives when we did, or why things ended the way they did, but I have to believe that I will make the best of it and move on, because there's really no other choice. I want to love my life again. I can't remember if you're doing the antidepressant thing--it has helped me deal with the depression associated with feeling myself suddenly adrift in a new town without the guy who provided a framework for making new friends and being part of a family. Hang in there, really. You do have a life and your life does have a purpose. You just have to sit with all of this and do your best to put one foot in front of the other every day. It sucks now, but I really believe it won't always feel this way. You deserve love, light, and joy in your life. And you will find it--or it will find you.

Thanks for the explanation, and I do appreciate your support. Every day it gets easier to get on with my life, but I keep wondering what in the hell he's thinking, even now. He has to drive by my house regularly, and I find myself wondering if he can't help but look as he goes by. What could someone who could just switch things off like that be thinking/feeling about it now? It's mostly about wondering why I didn't know that he was capable of doing this. Out of the blue. Just knocked me for a loop. Bang. Over. But I'm back on track, starting to date again, starting to meet new people and get into some new activities. So I'm not wallowing in this. But I sure am mystified, and probably always will be. Wounded but still standing. (I confess that it's hard for me to believe that there isn't a third party involved somehow. But maybe I'm wrong about that. In any case, it's pretty clear that I didn't know the guy nearly as well as I thought I did.)

Wow. That's kind of harsh. We had a great relationship, based on mutual affection and a lot of shared experiences and values. It wasn't shallow at all--just because we didn't want to live together or get married doesn't mean that it was without meaning. It's clear to me that our breakup has little to do with me--I'm not blaming myself, believe me. I'm a great partner, and a very open, generous person, and I'm not going to change that at this point in my life. I feel good about myself, just bad about the breakup. I'm just trying to wrap my head around how someone could behave as he has, so I can understand it, get my own closure, and move on. And so I might recognize a similar kind of guy down the road, so I can avoid getting my heart tromped again.