ediefy

Yow. I sure hope this won't be the case. Don't get married and have another family if, at the time you're considering it, you still feel like you want to be with the ex. Think of your potential new wife/partner and your new kids. A commitment is a commitment is a commitment. My ex's ex went off and married someone else, but still reaches out to him through contact with his kids (she talks with them about him, and they pass it on to him). If something ever happened to her marriage--divorce or if she became a widow--my ex would be there in a New York minute, as the saying goes. Which essentially puts any woman involved with him in a pretty precarious place, in terms of her own emotional health and life choices. He never got over her, and doesn't actually seem to want to. You're sounding kind of like that in this post.

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket where my ex shops--after avoiding it at dinnertime for months (that's when he usually is there). I went with the new guy--felt strong and confident on the way there. Once we were in the store, though, I started to get kind of freaked out--what if I ran into him? (Haven't seen him since two days before he dumped me, back in May.) Suddenly, every guy in the store looked like him. Guess I'm still not quite ready to just run into him as I go about my life. It'll happen sooner or later--in some ways, the sooner the better, just to get it over with. I will be so glad when this phase is over. Soooooooo glad. You sound really good, rion. Realistic, and really good. The hardest part about not knowing about making the right choices is that you're not always the one making the choice, and sometimes it's not the choice you'd make, eh?

Sounds to me like you've been very clear with Sarah. And, for all you know, the other women you're interesting in might have their own "friends with benefits." These days, sleeping with someone doesn't mean what it did some years ago. I think so long as you're clear with Sarah about things, you can go ahead and ask Emily out. I'd suggest that you might want to hold off on sleeping with Sarah again until you do go out with Emily and see how you feel about it/her/the whole situation. But, no, you're not a sl*t. The guy I'm dating now told me he slept with a good friend about a month after he and his last girlfriend broke up. They're still friends, but I know they're not sleeping together now. If they were, I wouldn't have slept with him (nor would I continue to do so). (And good for you getting past that milestone without falling apart afterwards. Means you're moving on. Nice job.)

It's interesting how things work, isn't it? Every step towards a new relationship is a step away from the old one, and sometimes that's hard. Other times, you're not even aware of moving one more mile down the "goodbye, forever" road until you've taken that step towards someone new and realize where you are now. I definitely have had those moments of brief sadness and nostalgia as I get into my new relationship. I still miss the ex, even though he turned out to be kind of a pathetic jerk. And I, too, would not be able to let him touch me, as you pulled back from letting her hug you--for the same reason you mentioned. And, finally, I actually _want_ to let him go, as completely as I can. (And maybe, one day, I will be truly grateful for the time we had together. Not quite there yet. But I have not seen nor talked to the guy since he dumped me 5 months ago, and don't expect that I will, so at least what was a wound, and then a scab, is slowly turning into a scar. Sounds like you've had to be stronger in your situation.) Best of luck to you. Sounds like you're in a good, balanced, strong place. (A year ago, I was staying at a B&B in rural Quebec with the ex, celebrating my 50th birthday and riding horses. This year, I don't even think he remembered that it was my birthday. Wish it didn't still hurt a bit that that is the case.)

Magamar--she knows you're interested. But do you really want to be there for someone who's playing these head/heart games with you? Don't you deserve better? What would you say to a friend whose (ex) girlfriend was doing to him what she's doing to you? Say those same things to yourself. Be your own best friend here, as best you can. And be gentle with yourself. If she wants to come back and be with you, and you alone, it'll happen down the road. Right now, it sounds like you need to take care of yourself. If she meets someone else, so what? You know you're a good person, deserving of someone who can't be distracted by someone else. You want a solid partnership with an adult who does and says what she means, and follows through, don't you? Maybe she's that person, maybe not, but you have to know that the person who really wants to be with you, and who is good for you, won't even be tempted by "the fruits of another," as they say. My advice is to ask her not to contact you anymore. And don't contact her for a few months. (And how can she miss you when you won't go away?)

Not Myself is on the money with his advice. Liam--get some help from a professional. If you can't afford to see a therapist, there are community mental health services that offer pretty good counseling services at little or no cost. In terms of anti-depressants, you would need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist or other prescribing doctor to get them anyway, so get yourself some help NOW. The first two months after I got dumped, I cried a lot every day. Luckily, I work at home, so I didn't have to try to maintain my composure in an office. But I cried my eyes out, screamed at the universe, and generally was a wreck. I had to take Benadryl once or twice just to calm down and sleep (and I'm not recommending that as a regular thing, but it helped me on the few days when I just couldn't stop being upset and talking to my friends and family on the phone wasn't helping). I went for long walks on the beach and cried for hours. I ate a ton of chocolate chip cookie dough and not much else (lost about 15 pounds, which wasn't a good thing for me, since I'm fairly thin to begin with). I cried when I mowed the lawn, I cried as I sat in my garden and weeded, I cried whenever I went out and was driving home by myself, feeling like I'd always be alone, no one would ever come into my life again who was as perfect for me as the ex, etc. (BTW, I'm nearly 51 years old, so it's not like I haven't been through breakups before in my life. I certainly didn't expect this one, though, and it hit me about as hard as anything can.) I didn't sleep much, and when I did, I didn't sleep well. I had trouble concentrating. BUT I got through it. I survived. I'm still here, and I've discovered that I really do feel for the first time in my life like there was nothing wrong with me--nothing I was, or did, or said that made him walk away the way he did. And, although I can still feel blue about it, and would still like to understand what happened (the mystery kills me sometimes), I am getting on with my life, dating a wonderful new guy who is very different from my ex in some ways and like him in others. The new guy is kinder, more invested in our relationship, better looking, more affectionate, and in some ways, a whole lot more fun than the ex ever was or will be. I still miss the ex like crazy sometimes, but less and less as time goes on. I do think that cutting off all contact with your ex helps. As hard as it is to go cold turkey, seeing or talking to your ex is like giving a heroin addict just a little taste of heroin every now and then. Sure to keep you hooked, and lets them know that you value them far more than you value yourself--it keeps their options open, while you wait on the sidelines, hoping they'll come back. The only way they will come back is if you walk away completely. It makes no sense, I know, but that's how it works. And, they may still never come back, so walking away with the thought that they will still come back isn't really walking away. You have to save your own life now--it's the only thing you have control over. As someone pointed out to me, if you were on a boat and a big whale came and capsized it, you wouldn't hang out waiting for the whale to come back and save you. You'd start swimming for your life, towards shore. That's what you need to do now, as best you can. I wish you all the best, Liam. It is possible to do this, it really is. I'm living proof, every single day. I am sending my best wishes to you, and a big hug.

If you haven't gotten some help from a therapist or some other kind of counselor, do find someone to talk to. It really helps, and takes some of the load off your family and friends. It sounds like you were the one who worked at the relationship. If there's any way you can let go of needing his approval, try. The most important thing in all of this is that you learn to be your own best friend. If this guy had been with one of your friends and had ended their relationship like this, what would your advice to your friend be? Give yourself that same consideration. You did nothing _wrong_--it may not have been a good fit, no matter what you did or didn't do. I remember being so mad at myself a few years ago for not being what a certain guy wanted. Now I look back at that time and wonder what in God's name I was thinking! You sound like a good person, and I'm sure you have tons to offer someone as a partner--and you shouldn't have to behave in a certain way to get that connection and love with someone. He wasn't The One for you. That's okay, even though it feels terrible right now. Be gentle with yourself. And get some help, as soon as you can. It's a slow, painful process, but it is a process, and you will make progress, and eventually you'll feel a whole lot better. Also, get yourself a copy of "The Girl's Guide to a BreakUp"--excellent book, funny, helpful, and something to keep nearby at all times until you feel better.

I got dumped without warning (via email) 4+ months ago, and have been doing NC for nearly all of that time. Talked to the guy once 2 weeks after he dumped me (I called him, and he only talked about himself, never apologized, nothing like that). All I can tell you all is that it does get better, things do stop hurting so acutely. Now it is kind of a dull ache, a sad place somewhere in my heart, but not all of my heart. I still think about him a lot (too much). I know he's dating again, which hurts when I let myself think about it--I know that the reason he did it the way he did was because I mattered too much to him, and that was too scary for someone with the commitment issues he had. That made it harder for me to get over it (no closure, either, since we never got to talk things out), but I am moving on, seeing someone new, and getting on with my life. So, it does get better, even though the ache is still there. But I can't even cry about it anymore. NC is the right thing to do. Gives you time to build up some scar tissue. I have been concerned about running into the guy, but that hasn't happened yet, and I'm hoping I'll be even farther down the road to recovery when it does happen (we live in the same small town). (And I also hope I look fabulous when it happens. I still want him to regret what he's done, and will probably always feel that way.) Take heart. Life really does go on, and there are better, nicer people to fall in love with out there.

I had one of those days yesterday where the ex was on my mind all day long. Just missed him, a lot, even though I know it'll never happen with him, it shouldn't happen with him, I don't really want it to happen with him, etc. It's like losing a limb and still feeling pain in it at times. It happens less and less often, but when it does, it really twinges painfully. It was a beautiful day, and I went for a walk on the beach. And wished he was there with me. Even toyed with calling him, just to get that final conversation out of the way. (But didn't, and really didn't even come close to doing so, thank goodness.) This is such a long process. Knowing that he's thinking of calling me is part of it. But I also know there's no way he's thinking about me as much as I think about him, which makes me irritated at myself for being so stuck in some recesses of my heart. Patience, patience, patience. And more patience. But it's still so frigging sad sometimes.

My theory on this (after 4 months of NC) is that _one_ of the people involved in the breakup has to have some class, and it might as well be you. If the guy wants his stuff, he knows where to find you. If he's having second thoughts, he knows where to find you. He clearly doesn't need for you to take care of him in any way (and we females tend to be caretakers)--clearly, he's taken care of himself first in all of this and doesn't need your help. If he can't put you first, then he's not worth the effort, as much as you may like him, want to be around him, think there may never be anyone else in your life you'll like as much. Think about it--if you really care about a guy, you'll put him first, right? Don't you deserve the same in return? No matter how screwed up someone's early life may have been, at a certain point we're all responsible for ourselves and our lives and the choices we make and the way we behave. I've really shifted my perspective in the past week, now that I hear that my ex is back doing online dating, still pining after his ex-girlfriend (the one married to someone else now), and thinking of calling me and asking me out for dinner. I mean, how completely pathetic! The guy hasn't bothered to get in touch with me since the day he dumped me (via email, followed up a very short phone call), and he thinks I'll want to go out to dinner, knowing he's been skanking around in bars trying to pick up women and probably sleeping with half of the women he meets? Ick. He blew it, and I can't imagine that he could do or say anything that would ever make me think he'd be a good risk again. I keep imagining how he'd start off the phone call asking me out. And then I have this great fantasy of going to dinner with him, ordering an expensive lobster dish, and dumping the plate of lobster, butter, and incredibly hot baked potato right in his lap and walking out. How's that for a revenge fantasy? So, stay strong, juicyfruitmama. NC is a good thing. Hard to do, but, in the long run, it'll give you the time you need to really get past all of the "what ifs" and "if onlys" and all the sentimental feelings you may still have for the guy. Really. I never thought I'd think so little of my ex as a person (I mean hold him so low in my estimation) as I do now. It's very helpful, and it just took time and not being in touch with him to get me to this point. And good for you for going to the concert. All of those people around you who were so nice were there to help--the universe does provide, one way or another. (And I, too, have cried a lot driving home from various things--dates, dinner with friends, etc.--it sucks, but it means you're getting better, believe it or not.)

I liked your profile a lot--if I was a 20-something, you'd sound like you'd be fun to date. You're multi-faceted, creative, clearly intelligent. And you're a nice-looking guy, Rion. Don't doubt that. "If you build it, they will come..." I think it's a good profile, and I've read lots of 'em over the past few months.

Geez, rion, this is a tough patch. A few thoughts, which you can take or leave as you wish/as is helpful to you: 1) the ex's BF: I think it's good that you set limits for this guy, and that you're clear about it with him and with the ex. It doesn't matter whether the ex thinks you're behaving alright or not, you're entitled to set parameters around the time you do have with your son, and she should respect that and not fault you for having strong feelings about it. The boy is your son, after all. 2) Amy: be careful, don't let her screw with your head. At that age (she's 19, right?) she's not even aware of how that kind of flirting/play talk can really get to you, and odds are she doesn't really mean it in any real way. She likes you, for sure, but it doesn't sound like she's ever going to be a serious prospect. "Come back when you grow up, girl" (a song that was popular when I was about 11 years old) comes to mind. 3) Your mom. I hope she's okay, and will keep you and your mom in my thoughts today. (The very day I got dumped back in May, my mom was in Costa Rica and fell and broke her pelvis. She's still recovering, 4 months later. Trouble seems to come all at once, sometimes.) Hang in, rion. Hang in.

If this is the first year you've not gotten to celebrate her birthday as a couple, you've done really, really well today, rion. It's frigging hard, I know. Tom's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm just ignoring it completely, as far as he knows. (Not that he necessarily cares.) Does it hurt? Sure, it does. Will _he_ be sad that I'm not part of his birthday celebration this year? Who the hell knows? And does it matter one bit? No, it really doesn't, hard as it is to believe sometimes. I realized yesterday that in all of this I probably dodged a bullet. He's clearly very screwed up about relationships, and, though I would have gone to couples therapy for years to work things out with him, it's also clear that he's not willing to even make that kind of a commitment to himself, much less to a partner. So, instead of spending hours and lots of energy working on all of the problems with the two of us, I can spend my time enjoying being with someone way more balanced and stable--and far more able to give me all the love I deserve. (On my better days, I really do believe this.) You'll be okay, Rion. This, too, shall pass.

JuicyFruitMama--my, my, but guys are so consistent. I just found out today that my ex (4 months and counting) is still pining after his former girlfriend (they broke up a few years ago, she married someone else, she still loves him, blah, blah, blah). He is now back online, looking for his "perfect" match, but is also considering just showing up on his ex's doorstep (her husband will love that). What I have come to realize (especially with the info on his current activities that I just received) is that he is a really wounded person, unable to commit to anyone or anything until he's done being in love with the fantasy he's created about his ex-girlfriend. And, as you say about Daniel, Tom cares about Tom. He would listen politely when I talked about my life, etc., but we always ended up talking about him. It's called narcisscism. When I called him a few days after the breakup to see if we could at least get some closure (he broke up with me in email), he managed to make the whole conversation be about him, without even asking me how I was doing or apologizing or anything. There are a couple of good books out there, if you want to understand more about what's been going on in your relationship--one called "Men Who Can't Love." They always love the one that got away, the one they can't have--which is also, sadly, the one that never really existed. Even if Daniel doesn't fit all of what's in the book, you'll find a lot of things will ring true, and there's also some good advice about how to take care of yourself after a breakup with a guy like that. Count yourself lucky it was just six months. But pain is pain, no matter how long you two were together, and I know it hurts like hell. Please know that I am sending you good vibes from Massachusetts, hoping that you will be able to get past this loss and on to a relationship with someone who is available emotionally, and who is able to give you every bit of love and commitment you deserve. (After hearing about my ex today, of course I've been wondering what I'd do if he called and asked if we could meet to talk. I hear he's been thinking about doing just that, according to his best friend--when he's not bar-hopping, looking for the next Ms. Right. I really don't know how I feel about it (except kinda sick) or what I'll do if/when it happens. Bleah.)

You are not being at all unrealistic, from my perspective. (Frankly, it's a fairly good description of what I was like when I was in my 20's, if I do say so myself.) Women like that are out there, for sure. You might try hanging out where art/design students do--I've always found those folks to be more independent-thinking, somewhat more cued into the weather, and generally just more interesting, if their egos aren't too inflated. Take this list, print it out, and carry it with you. Reread it a lot. That'll help you stay focused on what you really want, not what you may, at a weak moment, be willing to settle for. (And, if you're willing to try this, put a copy of the list in the back right corner of your apartment--farthest right/back from the door when you enter your place. Put something red there--a piece of ribbon or a red candle would work fine. If you have a red candle, put it in that corner and burn it from time to time. And stand there, close your eyes, and visualize that person coming into your life in whatever way seems right to you--at a coffee shop, in the frozen foods section of a supermarket, at a bar, whatever. Do this several times a week. You may be surprised at the results.)

Well, at least you found out what she's about, so you don't have to spend any more time wondering if she's someone you might want to be with long-term. Keep the faith, Rion. You'll soon once again "feel the touch of love."

perseverance--sorry to hear that the concert was hard. i am having the same thing with the current NFL season, if you can believe it. used to watch all of the games with the ex and his best friend, and we had a blast. found myself wondering the other night if he missed watching the game with me (we're both Patriots fans). i sure missed watching the game with the two of them. it sounds to me like you're doing alright, really. i can't imagine what it would be like to have my ex anywhere that i would be running into him during the day. both you and rion have it much harder in that respect than i do, since he's got his son with his ex, and you have been working with yours. i don't know how you guys do it. And yet maybe it's better in the long run that you have learned how to be near your exes without totally freaking out--as it is, i don't even go into the main part of the town i live in because i don't want to run into the ex. that gives him an immense amount of power over a part of my life, even though he's no longer in my life. and it also makes it all very nice and easy for him, too, since he doesn't ever have to worry about running into me. i'm thinking that it's time for me to stop being so wary of the whole damned town and just start treating it like i live here, since i do. (but i sure want to look spectacular if i ever do run into him there.) hang in there. melissa sounds like a great friend, and someone to hang onto. if it seems like its the right thing for the two of you--just in terms of your relationship--to hook up, i say go for it. what's past is past, and you can't change that. but if she's the person you think might be most significant to you in that way going forward, don't let too much stand in your way, huh? listen to what your gut tells you most consistently. and try to keep some faith that soon you'll feel better and things won't be so sad when you do things you used to do with your ex. that's the thought i'm holding onto as i go through this whole first year (his birthday is next weekend, and i'm ignoring it completely, or nearly so). my best to you--

I have been thinking a lot about the ex these days--and am wondering if what I really miss the most is the sense of being a part of something larger than myself. He has lived in this town for 20 years, and has a large network of friends. He has 3 kids, his ex-wife lives in town, too, and everyone in town knows who he is (he's an MD, and many of the people who live here are his patients). I liked his friends--they were the kind of people I really gravitate towards. Smart, quick, funny, intellectual but hip, creative, verbal, great company. I loved his kids, especially his youngest son, who's now in high school. I liked picking him up at football practice after school, helping him with his homework, nagging him to put his dishes in the dishwasher. I was even getting to like the ex-wife (for whom I now have far more sympathy, I must say). There was a ready-made community there and I fit right in with everyone, I guess, except him, ultimately. It's been so hard to let that go. I'm not good at building community myself, although I'm plenty social when it's called for. The new guy is great but has no family to speak of, and his friends, although they are all very nice, are not as quick and fun intellectually, are generally not very artistic or creative, and are all about 10 years younger than me (he's younger than me), so our life experiences are kind of different. It makes me feel kind of lonely at times, and makes me miss the friends I was making through the ex. But those people are _his_ friends (and patients) and it's way too awkward for them to be friends with me, and way too painful for me to see them without him around. So, I have to let it go, even though I know that whole group of people is just 5 minutes from here, still enjoying each other's company without me being part of it. It's like I was just erased from the group photo, somehow. Their lives have been very little changed by my absense, while my life has been turned upside down by their absense in it. Hard to fathom, harder to just accept and let go of sometimes. I'm trying, every single day, to appreciate all that I do have in my life, but some days are harder than others. It helps to be able to share this with you, rion, and perseverence_rules. It really does. So I hope you'll both stay tuned, and keep this going. I've come to look to you both as fellow travelers on the road to wherever it is we're all headed, and I'd miss having this conversation with you if it were to end.

rion, this thread won't die because in addition to talking to you, we're also talking to ourselves. we all feel or have felt what you're feeling as you go through this process. it's sort of like the thing that happens when you show someone else how to do something---you suddenly realize how much you actually know. in this case, it's through the repetition of these things we really do know on some level (but can't quite get entirely emotionally) that helps heal each and everyone of us involved in this conversation. it certainly has helped me to have a place to go and people to help and get support from on my own journey back from a broken heart. (tonight I'm watching football by myself for the first time in 2 years. hard to not be watching with you-know-who, but i'm managing.)

Look, you don't know what will happen with this woman if you start dating her. If you go into it saying "it'll never work out," well, that's what will happen, for sure. Why not stay in the moment for the time being, and enjoy her company for what it is, and stop thinking about what comes next? It's just possible that it's worth having this relationship (whatever sort it turns out to be) just to get more experience in general, and to find a little joy with someone of the female persuasion. That doesn't mean you have to fall in love, but it does mean that you might try to keep an open mind--the universe might be trying to get you to live a little more outside of the box you've created in your mind. Just stop predicting that things won't work. That's the surest way to insure that they won't. Go into everything as open as you can be, so you can learn all that you can. You can't possibly know where anything will lead, since you don't hold all of the cards...

rion--geez, buddy, are you a glutton for punishment? hotornot? please, that site is mostly about abusing strangers and does not in any way reflect anything but people's meanest sides. Look, your ex isn't the one for you. You're still grieving, and it's extra hard because you two have to interact all the time. You're not always going to be the guy who's never the boyfriend--really. There are all kinds of people in the world, and you haven't met that many in your life--I'm twice as old as you, and have probably had 6 or 7 major love affairs since I was your age. It _does_ happen. There were various reasons why things didn't work out to be lifelong for me and those men--life has a way of taking us places we never thought we'd go. But I am grateful for all of the love I've given and received, even though the past few months have been tough. And the fact that your ex doesn't want to be with you says way more about her than it does about you. It really isn't about you at all, which is the hardest damned thing to come to terms with. It's about her life, her choices, and what she believes she wants and needs. Even though it seems to you like it's a great fit, it's not, unless the other person feels the same way. I have to remind myself of that nearly every day, when I think about how my ex just deleted me from his life, one day to the next. It really is NOT a judgement about you. I'll bet you're a great guy, because you seem to have developed a fair amount of self-awareness through this entire process. Hang onto that as a gift that has come about as a result of all of the pain you've gone through. Odds are that if you and your ex got back together, you wouldn't be very happy after a while because you've grown and changed so much--and it sounds like she really hasn't. So, stop setting yourself up to feel judged by others. Your friends on this site have a sense of you as a real stand-up guy, sensitive without being a wimp, smart, creative, funny--all things that real women absolutely go for. You are just on your way to meeting the woman who's out there looking for you. It'll happen. Trust, trust, trust. (BTW, I edit books for designers and digital video artists--if you'd like a free copy of our Digital Video Production Cookbook, send me your address privately and I'll send you one as soon as it's done (next month). Recipes for doing all sorts of cool things, like shooting explosions without using any explosives, staging fistfights and car chases, and all that stuff.)

I think the song "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay, from the soundtrack of the movie _Garden State_ pretty much sums up the way most of us here feel about our exes: I drink good coffee every morning Comes from a place that's far away And when I'm done I feel like talking Without you here there is less to say I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy What is closer to the truth That if I lived till I was 102 I just don't think I'll ever get over you I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky 'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs I just don't think I'll ever get over you Your face it dances and it haunts me Your laughter's still ringing in my ears I still find pieces of your presense here Even after all these years But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner 'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do Even though I may soon feel the touch of love I just don't think I'll ever get over you If I lived till I was 102 I just don't think I'll ever get over you ---- Bad day today. Last night, the new guy came over, we had a great dinner, and a nice evening. Went to bed early, and then, about midnight, after we'd been asleep for a couple of hours (or so I thought), he said that he couldn't sleep, and, without further ado, went home. I think he was having some allergic reaction to the weeds around my house and, probably, my cats, but no one has ever left like that before, so it was a kind of weird. No call or email from him this morning. I finally left him some voicemail, asking if he was alright and if we could touch base about last night. For all I know, he's dead on his kitchen floor--or not--but I have an uneasy feeling about where this all is headed, even though we seemed to be having a perfectly nice time last night before he left. This has been a crappy week, and clearly, it's not getting better anytime soon. It could have nothing to do with us--could be that he just didn't feel well--or else it has everything to do with us. There's no way for me to know until I hear from him. I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions, but it feels bad right now. I guess I'm an unusual sort--if I'd left like that, I would have called the next morning to reconnect. And if I'd broken up with someone the way my ex broke up with me, I'd agree to meet and talk about it when they asked me to. But I guess that's not how most other people operate. Very sad today, wondering if I'll ever get it right.

Thanks. Woke up this morning in a flood of tears--good to see your post. I'm so not looking forward to having a big talk with the new guy, but it's clear that's what I need to do, and then we can both move on, if that's what seems to be the right thing. And I'm guessing it is. Sad, though--it's been nice to have someone to be with, talk to, do stuff with, hold hands with, and all that stuff. So many people like the beginning of relationships--I prefer being about 6 months into a good, solid connection. The whole beginning part is like having the flu, somehow. Too much of a roller-coaster. I don't need that kind of drama in my life anymore. Have a good day, Rion. And thanks for being there.

I can't advise about the age difference--it's hard to know, and I'm too old to remember what it was like to be 19 and like a 25-year-old. Those are some pretty key years, from 19-25. I had a crappy day myself. Was out running errands and found myself at a stop sign, just accross from my ex's ex-wife and son. First time I've seen them since the breakup--and they saw me, too. I waved to them, and drove up the street to my driveway. They waved back and kept on going past my driveway, as I would have expected. Just what I didn't need today, since I've been missing my ex like crazy for the past few days. And I miss his kids a lot--I liked being part of the family group, even got along with the ex-wife. It all makes me very sad. And I don't think things are going to work out with the new guy. Things seem to have gone flat between us right now, not sure if it's my doing or his or both of ours. He takes too many things personally, and everything I do or say isn't about him. Hard to be around that kind of energy for long. God, I miss how easy things were with the ex. How did all of that come to such an abrupt end? (I'm so sick of thinking about it, feeling sad about it, then feeling better for a bit, then getting sad all over again. It just has to stop, somehow.) I guess the only advice I have for you is to not take those interactions and responses from the various women you're interested in so personally. Some of what's going on with them has nothing, really, to do with you. It's about where they are in their lives, too, not a review of your performance or self. So, if you want to ask them out, do it. If they say no, ask again, some other time. If they still say no, then bag it and don't feel badly about it. You may never know why they're not saying yes, but you have to believe that you're okay, and a good person, no matter what they do. Because it's true.

And I'm walking around kicking myself because the new guy, nice as he is, isn't my ex, either. Things with my ex were so easy every day--we were a good fit, neither of us too intense about most things. The new guy is great, but is also incredibly intense about everything in his life, which is a little overwhelming. I miss the easy day-to-day life I had with my ex. I still can't believe that he could just excise me from his life so completely, when I had such good relationships with his kids, his friends, everyone in his life (except maybe some woman he may have dumped me for). I still don't know why he left me, and it is driving me crazy. And I don't want to have it make this new relationship get off on such rocky footing. I have fun with the new guy, enjoy being with him, but even then, I"ll think of my ex and want to be with him, even though he wasn't half as attentive as the new guy. What is my frigging problem, already? Over 100 days have gone by, I've cried my eyes out over and over again, I've had no contact with the ex, but every time I get in my car, I look for his car on the highway near my house (he lives nearby and his car is easy to spot). I keep wondering what he thinks when he drives by my house--does he wonder what's going on in my life? does he even think about me at all? And then I tell myself, "It doesn't matter anyway--he's not coming back, and you have to let go of this for good." I hate this part. How long do I have to do this?