ediefy

Build yourself as full a life as you can where you live. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket--and certainly don't commit to the guy again right away. Keep your options--and your heart--as open as you can. People can and do change, but generally not in the space of a couple of months. And, if you do decide to go forward with this guy, you might consider going to some counseling to work at the issues that were behind the behavior that resulted in you two breaking up to begin with. Until you address the underlying stuff (and it's there, believe me), it'll be hard to build any kind of real long-term foundation with the guy. Best of luck--hope it works out the way you want it to!

I'm new to this forum--but saw OCD's last post, about being the dumper and doing the right thing in the process. My ex dumped me out of the blue about 11 months ago, and we never talked about it until today, when we met to go for a walk on the beach. I did a great job of NC the whole time since he broke up with me (via email, no less). Today I got a kind of apology, and at least some discussion of what was going on for me and the impact of the breakup on my situation (it was a very tough time, and sometimes still is). The result: I don't want to be back together with him, and I doubt that is what he wants, either. I wish I had some great alternative in my life at this point, but I don't. But I guess I have gotten a tad smarter, because I'm not (at least not at this moment) thinking it'd be great to get back together. He destroyed that, and there isn't going to be a new era of the two of us. I can live with that, as I have for nearly the past year. Seeing him brought up so many conflicting feelings--a lot of anger at him for taking something that was so easy, so comfortable, so much fun (which he completely thinks was all true) and just walking away. Seems he finally came to realize that he was always waiting for his true love (who's now married and has a baby) to come back to him. He told me that he missed me, missed our friendship, missed hanging out together. I said "I don't see what difference that makes." He was a little taken aback by that. Wonderfully awkward moment. In any case, I think it was good to have the conversation and to see each other for the first time in nearly a year. I was pretty stuck in being militant about NC, dating other people, etc., but I wasn't really moving on, in some ways. I am hoping this encounter will help me do that.

hey, perseverance-- i think you should tell her what you're thinking about, without putting pressure on her one way or the other about whether you buy a place together or not. just tell her that you can see yourself with her for a long time. if i were her, i'd want to know your thinking before i made the financial commitment to my own house--especially if the two of you could have a nicer place together than each on your own. glad to hear things are still going well--

Yep, it's gotten kind of lonely out here. My update (if anyone can stand to hear more from me): I've been a lot better since perseverance set me straight. I think I needed to have the relapse a few weeks ago--it moved me forward, once I pulled myself together. (Although one can't control one's unconscious--I just woke up from a dream that the ex dumped his gf and was slotting me back in immediately. To my credit, I wasn't necessarily going along with it.) I seem to be less hyped up about getting together with someone than I was. I have made several friends through the dating process, so now I have a standing "dinner and Scrabble" night with one of them and may do a business deal with another. I'm still dating (have a coffee date in about an hour, in fact), but there's no urgency coming from me these days. The new ex and I had dinner last week--it was great to see him, there was a lot of affection between us, and he's suggested we get together again. We'll see how that goes. I have no expectations of any sort there--I just like the guy and I know he likes me, even if we're probably not suited for each other as partners. Perseverance--I'd love to hear how things are going for you and your gal. And rion and sadie, where are you guys? We miss you!!

Me, either. Seems like a no-win situation. I went through this last fall--my ex's birthday is in September, mine is in October. I didn't acknowledge his birthday, he didn't acknowledge mine. Seemed like the best way to go (he broke up with me, without warning, BTW).

I've just started reading this thread. You really need to be your own best friend first here--what would you advise your best friend if his ex-girlfriend was treating him like a doormat. He'd keep insisting that's not who she "really" is. Wake up and smell the coffee, bud. This girl is not The One. The One would not treat you like this, ever. Not in a million years. Cut her off, completely, and do no contact for 6 months. If she's really a friend and/or a potential life partner, it's going to happen down the road, not now. And true friendships are not easily undone, so she'll be back if she's true. You need to move on--as hard as it is--and get away from her influence and from everyone who's going to want to tell you about her life and what she's doing. The person you think you love doesn't exist.

perseverance--you are absolutely right. i was doing so much better about this before christmas. that was really my downfall on the road to recovery. thanks for the straight talk. i already asked our mutual friend not to talk about the ex with me, and i have promised not to ask him questions about the ex, either. i'm watching the superbowl with people completely unconnected to any of this. i'm having a bunch of people over for brunch that day, too--my first solo party here. and i just started an evening class in a nearby town, learning something new. i am making all the right moves, but you're right, i also need to be thinking the right thoughts. thoughts do become things. i'd rather think the good ones. thankyouthankyouthankyou

thanks for your message. i was beginning to think that i was posting to "e-all-alone" not "enotalone." the difference between our experiences these past 8 1/2 months is that he is now with someone, and has someone to talk to, make dinner with, sleep with, wake up with. i've been dating, getting out there, etc., but haven't met anyone with whom i've really clicked. i'm lonely. he's not. he may have an empty soul, but i have an empty heart and an empty bed. and, if his current relationship doesn't work out (and it won't), he'll find another woman to be with in no time at all. since he's always the dumper, he never dwells in the house of heartbreak. he just discards the current one and moves on, seemingly without much thought or concern for the woman he's just left. he is a jerk. i just have to keep reminding myself of all the ways in which he's proved it to me, over and over again, since the breakup.

And tonight, of course, I'm a little freaked out about the whole thing. Heard from the guy who was performing that my ex was bummed out and uncomfortable during the performance after I showed up. Good. And yet I am so sad about it all. Why did he throw it all away? We were soooo good together, and he was happy, or at least he sure seemed to be. Even if he came back to me, it would never work out. How could I even go into his house again, knowing that he has been with someone else there as a couple for the past 4 or 5 months? They probably made love on the slipcovers I made for his couch, for crying out loud. What an awful situation this is. I hate it hate it hate it hate it. And still, somehow, seem to love him. The jerk.

Well, I guess this space has become my own personal heartbreak blog. Go figure, eh, Ryan? I was in the same room as the ex last night. First time in 8 1/2 months I've even caught a glimpse of him. It was at a small theater in town where a mutual friend was performing. The friend had warned me that the ex might be there, but told me to get over it and stop avoiding everything just because the ex might show up. Enough already. So I went. I took a date--a nice guy I've seen a few times. I explained the whole situation to the date, who was a champ about it (I gave him the option not to go with me, but he wanted to, so off we went). We got to the theater about 3 minutes before the show started. Small theater, not very many people there. The ex was sitting in the middle of the front row (luckily he did not have his girlfriend with him), surrounded by friends of his. My impression was that he had a big smile on his face when he saw me, but I didn't look at him at all. The wife of the guy doing the performance came over to me and gave me a big hug and said (loudly), "Edie, it's so great to see you! It's been a long time. How are you?" I hugged her back and said I was alright, and we sat together for a minute or two, just talking like old friends. Then she went back over and sat next to the ex, and the show started. I was actually able to focus on the performance, which was both fun and relatively short. It was a program of various songs of lost love and reminiscence--perfectly suited for me and the ex, I must say. I never looked directly at the ex or made eye contact. Just sat next to my date, watched the performance, and occasionally made a comment or two to my date. At the end of the performance, I went over to say goodbye to the guy who performed and then left. Didn't see the ex as I left, but I'm betting he saw me. Went out for a drink afterwards with the date, and we had a nice time. He's an interesting guy--not sure we're a real match in the long term, but he was a good friend last night, and I appreciated it. The friend who encouraged me to go to see the performance said ahead of time that when my ex and I saw each other there, it would push things one way or the other--either he'd decide he made a huge mistake and call me to have lunch or start rapprochement, or I'd decide it was really, really over and stop being so freaked out about running into the guy. I don't think either of those things happened, but it was a step forward for me, even if the actual event was about as interesting from the outside as watching paint dry. This morning I woke up and found myself wondering if I should have looked directly at him, caught his eye, had some kind of communication with him (verbal or non-verbal). Not that I had anything in particular to say--or maybe it's that there is so much more hurt, love, and anger to express than just one look or a short conversation could begin to communicate. But then I remembered what a total, cold, unfeeling jerk he was when he broke up with me and just afterwards, when I asked him if we could just talk to get some closure. I did just fine last night. I hope the ex thought I looked great and felt at least some pangs of missing me and the life we had. I hope it was and is excruciating for him. The jerk.

Found out tonight from a new acquaintance that my ex's reputation precedes him. The new acquaintance doesn't even live in the same town, but has heard of the ex, who, it turns out, has quite a reputation for loving and leaving 'em (and always breaking up with the woman, badly). Made me feel better and worse. Better because it is actually amazing that we lasted two years (usually it's more like 6 months with him) and worse because I didn't know that going in, and didn't pick up on it during the time we were together. Still miss the jerk, nearly every day, and yet he's such a huge jerk. What is my problem? Phooey.

Weird dream this morning: cameos by a boyfriend from 10 years ago, my mom, my ex, and a kind of alter ego of my own--a very depresssed version of me that I was somehow protecting and trying to comfort at the same time. Various men were hassling the depressed me, and being kind of threatening. I did what I could to ward them off. At some point the ex turned to me, very pleasant, and said something like "one heck of a honeymoon, huh?" I woke up feeling totally weirded out and sad. Hate the vision of me carrying my depressed self around like that. I hope you're all not so entirely sick of my ups and downs that you're not even bothering to read this anymore. As much as it helps me to write about it, it helps even more to know that someone somewhere is out there and cares, even just a little.

So, yesterday I spent some time with a friend of mine and the ex's. He told me that the ex isn't particularly happy with the new gf after all--says he misses the easy schedule we used to have for spending time together (Weds nights and most weekend nights, and sometimes one other night during the week if we felt like it). Guess the new gf has a child, around whom her life revolves, and it's not nearly as easy or convenient or flexible as things with us were. And they don't have sex as often as he'd like, although he admitted he hasn't brought that up with the new gf (typical of him not to discuss his issues with his partner). The ex also mourned the fact that the three of us (me, the friend, and him) used to have a great time watching football together, and he really misses that. He thought he might get in touch with me about watching the next couple of playoff games, but my friend told him that he'd have to deal with me about the breakup first (he never really did talk it through with me--not that he'll have any opportunity to do so now, 8 months later). It's interesting to see that what he's unhappy with is the inconvenience of the relationship. It's not that he misses _me_--he just misses the lifestyle. (So do I, frankly, but that's neither here nor there at this point.) Maybe he really loves this new person in his life, but my guess is that he's essentially incapable of truly loving anyone in real life. He has a rich fantasy life, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Once things get real, he gets dissatisfied and starts backing away, step by step. He's done it over and over again, with every relationship he's had. The irritating part of this is that it makes me fantasize about him coming back to me, hat in hand, humbly asking for forgiveness and a revived connection. I would love to have him do that once I am happily in love with (and having a fine relationship with) someone else, someone far more wonderful, so I can look him in the eye and say, "No, thanks" nicely enough and not feel even a pang of regret. I'm still way too vulnerable at this point, so I hope he doesn't come back here anytime soon. I've done NC nearly completely since May, and intend to continue that without fail. As for dating, I am still having 2 or 3 dates a week, but I realize that I just don't feel particularly sexual right now, so I'm not bringing any of that kind of sparky energy to these encounters, which may be part of why I'm not particularly intrigued by any of the guys I've met. Or maybe if I met the right guy, the spark would just ignite. Chicken or egg? Who knows?

Virgo and Perseverance--thanks for your messages of support. I'm doing alright, up and down. Even though I know the ex (actually both exes) weren't the perfect fit for me, they were both far closer than anyone else I've met. Fun and funny, good-looking, sexy, smart, attentive, affectionate--I can't believe that it's been so hard to find other men who have some of the same attributes. I hate to sound shallow, but I do like men who take care of themselves physically and are somewhat attractive (without being totally into themselves in a negative way). Intellect also matters and is a critical part of the package. It's a sad situation out there in the world--I can find intellect without the physical package or the physical package without the intellect. My two exes had both parts, and that was great, while it lasted. (And what is the deal with middle-aged men and motorcycles, already? I'd have to say about 80% of the guys online who are in their 50s have motorcycles.) I'm 51, look about 40. The guys who are 51 look like they're more like 61, for the most part, and most of them haven't taken very good care of their bodies--they're nearly all overweight, most don't get any exercise, and they really look it. Not exactly something that makes my hormones start raging. And the ones who look younger are looking to date 38-year-olds, not women my age, no matter how good I might look on paper. But I just keep on trying, putting it out there, trying to stay positive as best I can, keeping busy with the friends and acquaintances I do have around here (not too many yet, but I'm working on it). I'm really not a snob. I just know that it has to feel right to be right, and so far no dice.

Perseverance--is Jen the one on the left in the photo of the two women? (They're both pretty cute.) Good for you!! ---------------------- I woke up in tears this morning--dreamt about the old ex. Had a date last night with someone who sort of knows him--and who repeated the general sentiment in town that "he's a great guy." NO, HE ISN'T. Anyone who dumps someone in email after an intimate two-year relationship is a SCHMUCK. I liked the guy on the date, but came home a little shaken, feeling somehow a bit exposed, embarrassed that the"great guy" dumped me, and sad once again that I have to even go through all of this indignity just because I really loved a guy who couldn't love me. I AM TIRED OF BEING SAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 8 MONTHS AGO. I WANT IT TO STOP.

Rion- You have just had the worse holiday season. The frigging flu? Geez. Not exactly what people have in mind for holiday cheer. I do hope you're feeling better. I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a tough time. ---------- So, this may sound a bit nutsy--just bear with me: I actually bought a set of motivational CDs--I've never, ever done anything like this before, but I was feeling really down and wasn't able to rouse myself from the negativity I was feeling. So, I've been listening to these CDs in my car and I have to say that I am feeling a lot more positive. Nothing's changed on the outside--in fact, things at work have gotten a bit strange and my job just changed entirely and they're cutting my hours. But I feel good. Yes, I'm still alone. Yes, I'm still doing the online dating thing. But I feel better, and I think that's making me look better, act better, be better. One thing the CD program recommended was sitting quietly and asking oneself a Yes/No question that one might want to ask God/the Universe/Fate/Destiny/whatever. And then wait for the answer. I asked if I would have a true love/partner in the future. The answer came immediately--YES. So, if nothing else, it appears that I really do believe that it will happen. That alone made me feel more positive. I don't recommend it for everyone--I wouldn't have recommended it to myself, in fact, but the CDs do seem to help. Hearing positive messages about oneself and starting to internalize the idea that that "thoughts become things" has made a difference. In other news: had a date the other night with a guy who turned out to be totally conservative (I'm not). He even drove a Hummer, and I'm one of those people who frowns on that kind of environmental excess, although I'm not a total jerk about it. It was interesting, to say the least. He asked me out again, but I am fairly certain our core values are so different, it'd never work, so I politely thanked him and declined. When it's right, I'll know. Until then, however... Got an update for us, Perseverance? Your story has given me a lot of hope, I must say. And Sadie, what kind of adventures are you having now?

It's a long road: one step forward, two steps back. Am dating like a banshee, filtering out the guys who are supposedly separated but still live in the same house as their soon-to-be-ex, the jerks, the anger-challenged. Kissed a guy the other day--nothing. Just made me miss the ex, whose kisses could curl my toes up. But what else can one do but keep putting the energy out there as one is able? I'll probably end up meeting the love of my life at the grocery store, not through any efforts of my own, but it's good practice. Have made one friend, a nice guy who came over for a walk on the beach, several games of Scrabble, and dinner. No pressure, no kissy-face. Nice. Felt like an old friend in some ways. Hope it continues in that vein. Rion, I hope you're feeling better. The holidays are over anyway, and that's got to help.

ocrob--you may have missed the fact that rion has a child with his ex, so their paths have to cross. NC is impossible for him right now.

Sadie--I hope you don't take this the wrong way, so forgive me if it sounds like I'm being a snob (or worse): I think you work too hard at all of these interactions you have with guys you haven't even met yet. If they're interested, let them do the work--stop making it so easy for them to dis you. Let them know you're interested ONCE, and then sit with it. Don't call them, don't initiate any further action. Just wait and see what they do or don't do. And let it go if they don't follow up--they're not worth it. You don't need to sell yourself past the first hello, as far as I'm concerned. And the less hard you work at it, the harder the ones who are interested will work at reaching out to you. The less you seem to really, really want them, the more they'll want you. The same goes for guys you have met, and are interested in. They know you're interested, I'm sure. You don't need to do any more than put the bait out there and then just wait. Don't poke them, don't call them, don't IM them, don't contact them. Let them come to you. If, after two weeks have passed and you don't hear anything, either let go or else contact them, just once, and ask them out for a drink or coffee. If they don't go, or if they're busy but don't suggest some other specific time/date, then forget it and walk away. I think you'll find that the ones worth messing with will come to you, and not the other way around. If this sounds sexist, so be it. The truth is that people always want what seems just out of reach, and devalue that which is is too easy to get. That goes for men and women, equally. (BTW, the new ex sent me a New Year's greeting--first he calls me on Christmas Day because he misses me, and then he sends me a very generic "Happy New Year, Edie" message. What gives?)

The biggest problem with this dating thing is that the guys keep wanting to know if there's potential for us to have a long-term relationship--they want to know after I've met them once, they want to know after the second date, etc., etc. I'm not prepared to be exclusive after only two dates. I'm also not prepared to jump into the sack with a guy after only two dates. I have to move at my own speed in all of this--and if the guy can't wait, well, then he's not The Guy. (As Perseverance has said, waiting can be a very good thing for all involved.) I sure would like to have someone familiar and wonderful to wake up with most days, though. (Other than myself, that is...) But if it doesn't happen for me, I still have a life, even if it feels a bit diminished by not being able to share it with someone special. What else can we all do? One foot in front of the other, blah, blah, blah (as rion would say). It stinks in so many ways, but ultimately it's all we've got right now. I hate having to "make the best of it." I want it to be the best, and I am hoping like crazy that it's not too late for it to happen again in my lifetime. Let's all hope for a new year full of the good stuff. I sure can't wait for this year to be over and done with.

re: eHarmony. I've tried it twice over the past couple of years. Complete failure, both times. Don't believe everything you read. They kept matching me up with people who lived far away from me who had completely opposite political views and philosophies. 3 dates this week. 1 was fine, except the guy is separated but still living in the same house with his wife (big warning flag). 2 was so-so--nice guy, but he was about as impressed with me as I was with him (not so much--just not a fit), and 3 is still to happen (Sunday afternoon, for the Pats game). I hate this whole stupid process, but can't think of any other way to meet men that's any less heinous. Unless I want to pony up the fifty large, of course...

Here's an amazing thing I learned today: There is a very high-end matchmaking service that I've seen advertised in various publiciations. For the heck of it, I filled out an online form for more info, which resulted in a phone call from one of their salespeople. After a chat about their process (psychological tests and interviews, etc.), she told me what the fee for me would be (hang on to your hats, folks): $50k. Yep, $50,000, aka "fifty large." Wow. I asked how they came up with their fees, and she told me that younger women, aged 20-something to 32, pay $10k. Women in their 30s who want kids pay $25k. Women in their 40s pay $35k. But once you hit 50, it's a lot harder to find a match, so the baseline price is $50k, which can be higher depending on your lifestyle, etc. (I was clearly at the bottom-most level in my category.) That money would buy me an unlimited number of introductions for a period of 2 years, during which time I could put matches on hold indefinitely. So, if I meet Mr. Right the first month, I can put things on hold until that relationship is over (we break up, he dies, whatever) and then I can start up again for no extra $$$. For men, the fees are even higher, because they not only pay the initial fee, but once they find their match, they pay a "success" fee, which can be substantial. Their fees go as high as $500k!!! They reject about 1/2 the people who try to hire them, for all kinds of reasons. Too fat, too weird, too drunk, too difficult. If anything confirmed my general sense that it's tough out to find a good match with a smart, stable, financially secure guy (and I don't need to find a millionaire, by any means), that phone call was it. Whoa. I'm not quite that desperate. Yet. Gave me a good laugh. Hope you find it amusing/amazing or, at the very least, interesting. Have a good day, folks!!

Sorry to hear it, Rion. Hope things improve by New Year's. Hard season. Let's hope 2006 beats the heck out of this past year.

So, I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my family, which was fine. And then, tonight, back home in my little house alone, I got a call from the new ex, just wanting to wish me Merry Christmas--he missed me and wanted to hear my voice. Argh. Why does he continue to keep in touch like this? I'm out there, dating people who are not nearly as interesting as he is, not happy about it, and he's choosing to see other women, not me. And yet he calls me to say Merry Christmas. What the heck does he want, anyway? Just to know that he still matters to me? What good does that do either of us? Anyone got any theories about this? Is he just trying to keep the door open? I vacillate between wanting to tell him to stop--go to NC and all--and thinking "oh, what the heck, it's nice to hear his voice, too." I mean, we're not going to be together, I'm going to keep dating and looking for a good partner, and so is he. I'm not agonizing over not being with him all that much most of the time (the holidays have been a bit tough, but that's to be expected). Am I being a total fool by not doing complete NC with the guy?

Now, now, you didn't know you were going to run into her, did you? And life was okay. So, there will be someone else, and you'll be glad for all of this. But it is a very hard time to be alone, so rely on your friends for support, and keep up the NC, because it's the only way to get past it, impossible as it seems. I've been NC since about July (and the ex hasn't contacted me since May, or responded, except to return my reading glasses to my mailbox about a month ago). 7 months and counting since the breakup in mid-May. Still miss him a lot at times, especially now, but I'd rather pull my fingernails out with pliers than reach out to him in any way at this point. (Not that he'd care one way or the other--he's with someone else, happily enough, from what I hear.)