liambilson

Oh dear - I'm slipping guys and girls - it's almost 2 months since I've posted. On holiday I wasn't too bad - I am now back in the same environment as my ex - no contact from her for 2 months , even then instigated by me. I am not moving on - jhave made gargantuan efforts to socialise - I freeze and want to flee - all I want is to be curled up on the sofa with my ex. Half of me desperately loves her and misses her , half of me is seething at what she has done. I have to be realistic, at my age she in particular will be irreplacable. For the last few days I have been inconsolable and sobbing my heart out again - however the thing that hurts me most of all is not that she has left me for another - but that the friendship has gone. I place so much on friendship, surely it transcends life and any relationship. I have such a burning desire to contact her and just tell her how I am feeling. Any words of support for me , I feel in a really bad way. Thank you.

the censored bit rhymed with 'rink' !!

You're right ediefy - sorry rion !! (hope you're getting on nottoo bad either) Well, at least there is a *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* of light for you if somebody is at least contacting you! The loss of a limb feeling is so apt to be sure. You know I feel so guilty when i realise how healthy and able and free of poverty and the like to be moaning about what is essentially one insignificant person on the whole planet, but the mind plays such awful, cruel tricks on you. I am desperate for my ex to contact me but it ain't going to happen. Healing is just so painfully difficult and the loneliness and panic of not having a partner is awful. Anyhow ediefy all I wanted to say was that if you ever feel really down feel free to PM me. I'll be happy to listen. I know you're strong inside and will survive eventually.

ediefy, I know EXACTLY how you feel - you feel lonely and unloved and helpless and just want a hug from somebody. It's what we all want. That's why you, like me, are desperately seeking attention and love in the harsh world of online dating. I had a good holiday but the reason I felt better was because I was thousands of miles away in a different environment. Now I am back in Saudi it's Hell - not wanting to bump into them, no social life hardly, having to make conversation I don't like to try and at least get some contacts. The times I have been out have been disasters. As I said I know exactly what you are going through and nobody but nobody except ourselves can help - and as you say we are too destroyed emotionally to do that at the moment. I am completely split down the middle 50% missing my ex and 50% feeling not hatred but just utter disgust at her calmly destroying the whole friendship. I have such a strong urge to write and let her know exactly how I feel about her it kills me - nothing to do with love, just feel so insulted. Life and friendship to me transcends any boy/girl relationship and I feel so rejected. Am not far from going off the rails completely like you - it's a daily battle. However, I am not weeping daily as I was 2 months ago and I am not constantly thinking about calling. The fact she has somebody new eats into me like a burning sword. Don't worry Ediefy and anybody else - somebody is thinking of you all before I fall asleep, and that is me. It's all up to us but it will take time. As for being lonely there are many people who are couples but are even more lonely and also trapped. Maybe our exs will find themselves like that one day. Keep writing and supporting each other guys and gals! The rainbow will appear someday !

ediefy, what's happened with you ? I got back from holidays two weeks ago and have just logged on - you were the one who gave me so much comfort and support before I left and now you sound in a right state. Remember you are a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman and please don't get down. it is people like you who have kept me and others going. I know myself that the thought of loneliness and lack of companionship can destroy the mind. What about your horse riding? What about joining some groups. As you were there for me feel free to vent anytime and I will reply. As for myself things are still pretty bad but I'll under my stircrazy thread soon I think. Believe in yourself, love yourself and remember life is so temporary and short that to not make the most of it is such a waste. It's getting control of your ' beautiful mind' which is the key. Tomorrow is another brand new and lovely day that you have been blessed with. At the end of the day what are we really missing about our exs - we weren't floating on air all the time were we ? Hang on ! Liam

I'm really sorry ediefy and others - I am in a state at the moment. Last night I was so, so strong and she was out of my head. Then I woke up with the usual nightmares and since then I am consumed with the loss and love I had for her. It is taking all my willpower not to call or write to her and ask her for a chance. I know it's madness but I feel as though my mind has been taken over! I am going on holiday in 3 hours and last night I was really looking forward to it but now I feel awful. I hate having these feelings but my love for her is just overpowering me. Ok, just had to write this to stop me from doing something very stupid. I just feel loss and so much jealousy at the moment. Sorry !

Ok ediefy, I will follow advice to the letter. It's a shame the only thing that really works is time though. I'm still uncomfortable in general with letting people we love and are compatible with in most ways go out of our life yet keep friends who we don't like that much. Just seems strangely ironic and sad to me and one of life's great mysteries ! I've tried to get rid of the love too - it's not easy. Love is a precious commodity which is not meant tobe wasted and thrown away. I have tried all the mind tips and tricks and they haven't worked so I shall go to a horseshop and buy a horse when I get back!!! I'm off to Thailand, Vietnam and Australia for just 3 and a half weeks and know I'll feel better in a different environment. It's coming back that's scary but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I suppose. Will let you know how my feelings are then. They would have been much worse without all the kind comments of people on here.

ediefy - I'm not going to contact her (I promise !) for 2 months. Hopefully I will be stronger then and can extend that. I know the ball is in her court and it is very unlikely she will ever come back. I know IT'S OVER - I told her that myself over a month ago. However, the mind is so stupid I think well that relationship is over but who knows what might happen in the future. I know that's 'pie in the sky' stuff. I know she probably doesn't think about me. I know your pain is probably greater than mine - although as I say I am weaker than you. I don't have any feathers left in my pillows - they have so many tears in them they have floated away. I have never asked my ex to come back. Maybe 10 weeks is a short time I don't know. I don't know how one gets 'hope' out of one's head - just time I suppose. All I know is when you replied to me yesterday I was feeling bitter and resentful. A few words in a text from my ex dispels those feelings, that's all I'm saying. I'm also saying you speak the truth, the honest truth. Unfortunately I'm not good at focusing on myself. The relationship proved that as I forgave her time after time. I'm not comfortable with looking after number one. It's just the way Iam and I think it's too late to change. That's probably why Ihave never 'dumped' anybody in my life. I couldn't put them through this pain. I'm happy to be like that. Anyway, how are you ? I feel guilty unburdening myself on you and everybody else all the time. I really hope your recovery rate speeds up and you get what you desire. I promise to forget about her for a few weeks at least while I'm away. I work in Saudi Arabia and we are pretty close by sometimes which is a pain and doesn't help. Anyway, that's enough self-pity for now. I hate it all, I really do

Spank me - I'm a bad, bad boy ! I texted my ex ! All I said was I am going on holiday in 2 days time and said also 'I understand - just understand me as well, that's all I ask,' She replied 'Hope your holiday is good' Do you think this means she wants me back ? I'M JOKING !!! All I am saying is that this is 2 nice human beings communicating with each other. Isn't that much better than silence. I don't feel the urge to reply again. I don't suddenly think oh she must still be thinking about me. I'm happy with that one sentence even if we don't speak for another couple of months. Life is so simple really. Mind you if Iwanted to be negative I could think maybe her new boyfriend picked it up and wrote it !! Oh well, a pebble at a time !

Copperhead, As you were kind enough to give me advice I'm going to share my thoughts on your situation. Surely at the heart of all this lies your guys drinking problem. Is he showing any signs that he wants to improve on this - because having a temper is sooner or later going to lead to problems. I speak with authority as my ex frequently had alcoholic blackouts which resulted in horrendous incidents - even going home with another guy right in front of me ! I left her 8 times but always went back. Now she has left me because she thinks I controlled her drinking. Surely, only once this drinking problem improves can you make progress. Good luck !

One second at a time more like ! Listen, both of you are so wise and strong and I know you are 100% correct and I will try my level best to be stronger. To be honest I have been trying - but it's just proving impossible to let thoughts invading my mind. I have tried the 10 minute thingy ! I do need to come to terms with longer NC - I feel so angry with myself now because she asked me to call 2 weeks ago but I e-mailed trying to get her to look at her own problems - I know that hasn't gone down well. Even running with a girl last night near her house just broke me into pieces - god knows what I am going to do when I see her with her new guy. You are definitely both stronger than me - I view friendship as just being so, so important and it irks me to think she confides in others now when she used to confide in me. She did everything for me in many ways. My life was empty before she came - but hers was emptier. All her reasons for leaving are based on the last few months of the relationship. I've tried telling her to look at the big picture but her ears are closed. She definitely met somebody while I was away on holiday and that has convinced her to make the break which she said was not taken lightly. You're right - I do love her madly - I've tried to hate her, tried to look on her negative side, tried to forget her. I have made superhuman efforts to do this. Don't ask me why I still love her - I'm a fool to be sure. I will read your replies again and again and you are both kind and beautiful people to devote your time to writing them. I need more people like you in my life. I accept when somebody doesn't want to be with you any more but accepting the complete cutting off of all contact is so, so hard. You are right though, time is needed to heal on both sides. I just hope she does make contact sometime. It all feels so wrong. Gosh, I sound like a teenage love puppy - the fact I am 46 makes me feel even more humiliated. I would be happy with a one word acknowledgement from her but it ain't gonna happen for a while. I just wish she wouldn't come to me at night in my nightmares - it's killing me. It's 10 weeks since the break-up - when she asked for space I gave her 3 weeks - all that did was give her time to start seeing somebody and tell me. It's now only 8 days since NC started again but this time I will have to do it. How can people be so callous ? I swear I really couldn't do this to a girl. Ok, I'm off to stick my head in a gas oven. Typical that I have electric ! Ciao, Liam

ediefy - why aren't there more angels like you in the world ? I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all those comforting and wise words. You ar eright in everything of course, I just needed somebody to calm me down. I hate having these awful, hateful thoughts - it's destructive and not me and I don't want to have them. What makes me soooooooooooooooooo frustrated is that I told my girl I was letting go of her to do her thing or whatever over 7 weeks ago. She has moved on and so have I. I have joined a running club and booked a nice holiday and go to the gym and look great ( well as good as I can!) I still miss her dreadfully of course but I have told her I don't love her and I have never asked her to come back to me. What annoys me is despite all this I have still been battling even to save any kind of a friendship. My counsellor says I remind her of the 'dark' past because I controlled her drinking and now she is free to do what she wants. It would just be nice for her to actually recognise me even as a human being - that's why I said I almost feel as if I am making her look a fool by sending her the odd text asking her if she is fine etc.... So despite letting go, (I know you think I haven't!) Well to be honest letting go of the friendship is proving harder - I just feel abused as a person. I know you went through the same and survived and I know I will - but it's just such a complete waste. If you can't keep in contact with people in your life you actually fall in love with, then what's the point of anything. Anyway, I am going away for 3 weeks on Wed. In a month I am going toask her quite simply do you or do you not want me in your life in some form and we'll see what happens. I want her to be happy above all else no matter who she's with - obviously I would like it to be with me - time may change that and change everything. I understand if somebody is not happy then thay havethe right to leave. I respect that. Despite her faults this girl showered me with love and affection. She is a good person who won't admit she has substance abuse problems. She won't help herself and she won't let me help her and that is upsetting. Anyhow you sound like the perfect girl - in fact everybody on here sound like great people - perhaps we shopuld all have a big party and fall in love. Thank you again ! Liam

sorry everybbody - I'm in that 'desperately seeking support' phase again. I am feeling pretty bad - and keep compounding it by breaking NC. I was supposed to phone a couple of weeks ago but e-mailed instead a couple of times. The content of the e-mails was basically a) sort your alcohol abuse problem out and b) accept we were both to blame for the breakdown instead of putting all the blame on me. Well since then I sent a couple of texts saying 'hope you are ok?' No response to anything. I know I am wrong making this contact but it is making me extremely angry and resentful that she can not even bother to say a word. She has a new 'somebody' from what she says although my friends say she may be lying. My question is how do I put very revengeful thoughts out of me head. Writing a no holds barred letter to her is consuming me although I know it's wrong. Since the break-up it is as if she has been deliberately bringing me to the edge on purpose. I have moved on with my life reluctantly and been out on a date - bad luck on the girl who was with me !! After 10 weeks I am still being hit with tidal waves of loss, anger, resentment and jealousy. 10 weeks of torture which really doesn't seem to be working. Yes, I know NC is the way to go but I feel as though I am almost making her look silly and immature by writing and then not getting a reply. I suppose I am so bitter becasue I took this girl from being in a really bad way emotionally a few years ago and made her strong and her alcohol problem much better than it was. It amazes me she is willing to destroy the friendship as well as the relationship after everything I did forher and it's killing me and making my blood boil. She has even said 'I owe u nothing'. That hurts so much. I have managed to get thru this without medication somehow and have ac ouple of weeks holiday from Wed. Just give me some advice please on how I should feel towards her. Thank you, this forum has literally kept me going.

Thank you everybody - I will try and contact her and maybe send her your comments. I think she will see it as my way of trying to enter her life again - but to me this is more important than a relationship.

Thank you CATLOVER ! At present I am in such a dilemma. I know if I contact her family both she and they might get very angry and think I am doing it out of spite. On the other hand I feel a bit helpless as I care for this person very much. As you say she must want to help herself though. 16 months ago she told me she was going to counselling for alcohol abuse but only recently told me she went for relationship counselling instead ! There have been 21 occasions of blakouts in 4 years - all with pretty horrific conseuences. My therapist she has left me because I remind her of the bad times and also as I used to control her drinking she is now free to do what she wants with alcohol. What a dilemma - can't even get her to talk to me.