ediefy

Oh, rion, what did she expect? I know you feel for her, and still care for her, but the bottom line is that she still doesn't feel for you what you feel for her. Sarah is the first woman you've really been with since your breakup (I think, right?), so your ex is bound to be hurting a bit. Even when I've been the one to break up a relationship, it's killed me to see my ex with a new woman, even if he wasn't necessarily serious about her. I think it's human nature. I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. I hope you can somehow give up this dream of being with the ex again--I know you have very deep feelings for her, but somehow maybe you two can transform what each of you feel about the other into a new relationship centered on parenting your son, as best you can. Someone told me that the planets (Mars and Mercury) are totally screwy right now, which is leading to a lot of communication/frustration problems. Seems like that's the case for everyone here but perseverance!! I'm feeling pretty depressed myself--very lonely, wondering how to be in the right place at the right time to find that elusive partner. I am not interested in just making do. I'm tired of this solo journey. Anyway, I am going to try to be thankful on Thursday, when I'm with my family. There are a lot of great things in my life. I just wish there wasn't such a big hole there, too. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you--I am indeed grateful for your counsel and comfort.

Congratulations, Perseverance! That's great news. I am so happy for you. And Rion, thanks for the update. It's good to hear how things are going for you, too. On the home front, the new ex and I had negotiated starting over with our relationship, so we went out on Friday night to a movie and then back to his house overnight. It was fine, until the next morning when we were talking and I asked him if he was busy Saturday night. He said "Yes, I have plans." I sat for a minute and he asked what I was thinking, and I said, "I'm wondering if you're seeing other women." He said that he was, just for drinks. I had no clue, and never would have stayed over (or even gone out with him) if I had known. That was not part of our understanding, at least as far as I understood it. I got out of there and drove home feeling like a total fool. It was quite clear to him that I was upset, but I didn't hear from him all weekend. Last night I sent him email telling him that 1) I wouldn't have stayed over if I'd known, and 2) we couldn't pursue any kind of relationship if he was seeing other women. He replied immediately, apologized for his behavior and for his inability to make any kind of commitment. I then asked him if he'd slept with anyone else during the time we were intimate, and he said no (Thank god). So, that's the very end of that. What a jerk. It helps that he was such a jerk--makes it easier to be angry and walk away without any real regrets except that I wasted my time and energy. I feel better than I did, although it was a tough weekend for me, with lots of tears, feeling lonely, feeling lost. Now I seem to have a bit more energy, and am doing what I can to reach out to friends and acquaintances. It helps to hear that you guys are both doing so well. Thanks for sharing your updates.

perseverance--sounds like maybe you could talk with Jen about what you're feeling/where you'd like for the relationship to go, and see what she says. it doesn't sound like you're in a huge rush, and that will probably come accross, which is a good thing, since you don't want to put unnecessary pressure or tension into the friendship at this point. Clearly, she must like you a lot, too. As for me, I am doing better, but I don't trust it, because it's based (at least in part) on the fact that the new guy has shown up again. Did the standard post-breakup mistake of sleeping together last weekend--it was nice to be with him, and we always have a good time together, BUT every single bit of advice I've ever seen on the topic advises against it. However, we've decided to start dating again, kind of a new beginning. If it falls apart, it'll happen a lot faster than it did the first time around, but we also know a lot more about each other now and may be able to do a better job of bridging what seems to be kind of a cultural/philosophical divide. We'll see. I may be back here crying my eyes out by next weekend... RION??? Where are you? Where have you gone? We all want an update!!!

perseverance (and others who replied with support)-- thanks so much for your messages. i find it and i lose it and i find it again. my balance, i mean. i was in an 11-year relationship in my 30s and 40s, with a man who proved to be untrustworthy and unfaithful. when we split up, i spent the next 4 years alone, and was really fine with it. i didn't even think about finding someone new--i went back to horseback riding after 25 years of not doing it, i took myself to the movies, i hung out with friends, i worked hard. i felt pretty good about myself. and then i got lonely, tired of entertaining myself so much. tired of so many nights at home alone, so many mornings waking up alone. and i got involved with an old boyfriend shortly after 9/11 (as many people did, oddly enough). and i found that it was hard to maintain my balance when i was in a relationship. duh. of course it was easier when i was alone. none of those "couple" issues came up, ever. suddenly, though, with that relationship, i was right back where i'd been before the 4 years on my own. that relationship didn't work at all, and neither did the next one, or the one after that. and now i just finished one more (maybe--but that's another story), and it just seems like most of my adult life has been spent without a partner. certainly, i haven't had real romantic love in my life for at least 8 years, and that's a long time. it wears on you after a while. so. i am doing my best. i am trying to get out and make new friends and take on new projects at work. i try to get exercise every day. and i try to be grateful for all that i do have, instead of getting depressed about what i don't have. but as grateful as i can be, there's still that lonely place, always, just beneath the surface. if i could figure out how to surrender to it, to stop fighting it, believe me, i would. and how are things in your world, perseverance? time for an update!

I am having a tough time. I am feeling like such a loser these days, and so lonely. Sometimes I think this loneliness will crush me. I am trying to get out and do things with other people, to keep busy as best I can, but at the end of the day, I'm here alone, and I wake up mornings alone and eat breakfast and read the paper alone. No one to talk to. There are entire days that go by with no phone calls, no personal email from anyone. I do try to call my friends and family--most of my friends live on the West Coast, though, so I don't get to see them very often. (Geez, do I sound depressed? I sure do.) I hate this. Am I ever going to find a partner in life? I'm 51 years old, and haven't figured it out yet....

Well, I discovered that meeting the new guy (even though it appears that is over) really helped me to get over the old guy. I hadn't expected that it would in quite the way it did--I liked the new guy A LOT, so I'm sad that didn't work out, and maybe that just finally made the difference for me. The old guy is so over--I've done NC for about 5 months now, and haven't run into him once, haven't seen any of our mutual friends--haven't even seen his car on the highway (except once, months ago). I don't even check his horoscope anymore. And, even though I'm sad about the new guy, I find that the old guy really seems like tired, old news. Thank god. I'd hate to be sad about two guys at the same time Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that letting yourself be with someone else for a while can really help--or at least it did in my case. Easier for me than you, rion, because I don't share anything with the old guy, and you have your son together. I never have to see him, you do have to see her. I don't know how to help you get past this, other than to say that clearly you have a lot to offer any woman, from the way you describe yourself and the things you talk about here. That's not much help when there's just one person you want to be with, but at least you do have options, and that's not nothing. I feel for you. The new guy sent me email on Friday night telling me he missed our Friday nights together. Now, since we're broken up, why would he be doing that? I think he'd kind of like to keep the door open--we like each other a lot--but I'm not so sure that's a great idea. I found myself sending him email back, agreeing that I missed him, too. But haven't heard from him since, and am thinking that may be a good thing, since he was pretty convinced that things wouldn't work out long-term (and did a pretty good job convincing me, too). p.rules--definitely have the conversation with her. I think she'll be glad to be able to do things with you and her son. It will simplify her life in some ways, even as it complicates things a bit. Best of luck to you--it sounds like a lot of fun, which is what it should be.

Ah, rion. Hang in there, my friend. It's one step forward, two steps back sometimes. The planets must be doing some wild dance these days, all of this stuff going on in all of our lives. perseverance--do give us updates!! Nice to hear some good news.

So, the new guy sent me a letter (via email) late last night. It outlined what he wants in a relationship, and made some specific requests if we are to continue. I'm sitting with it for a few days before I respond. We have such different philosophies of life, and he tends to personalize nearly everything (no, I don't mean that he gets monograms on all of his stuff). It makes for a lot of hurt feelings on his part, even when whatever it is that I've said or done really has absolutely nothing to do with him. I think my answer will be "no, thanks," but I want to give myself enough time to really think it through. He's a good man, if amazingly intense nearly all the time. It would certainly be quite a ride. But I have to say that I found that I wasn't completely heartbroken over him when it all went south last week. I was sad and felt lonely but not devastated, which seems like a sign of health. Or maybe I have just developed good coping skills around being dumped and back on my own. I certainly went through the training this year! Hope it's okay for me to hijack the conversation here a bit, Rion. It's helpful to write this stuff down and share it with you and perseverance, whoever you both are.

perseverance--great news. do take it slowly. i realized today that since about Feb 2002, i've had 4 relationships. in every single one, things started out like gangbusters, with the guys all talking a lot about the future. as soon as i started to believe it, they started to back off. i'm looking hard at the choices i've been making. i'm not sure how one avoids the rush at the beginning, which, for me, seems to change inevitably into a fairly predictable demise sooner or later. so, try to stay balanced as well as you can. it sounds like a great match, so take the time to get to know each other at this point in your lives before you fall head over heels (if you can). sorry if i sound a little less than "go pop some champagne." i'm hurting a bit this weekend, and am wondering if i'm ever going to find a good partner, and if it's even worth the effort. it was so nice to have someone fun to spend time with--all the little things that make it so special, like holding hands, talking in bed, going to the grocery store together. The whole thing. I get it, and then I lose it, over and over again. Will the time come that I get to have it for real? For more than a few months?

Luckily, my wonderful nephew is staying with me this weekend. He's great to spend time with (age 15) and has been really good company. A welcome distraction this first weekend in months when I've been alone again. But I miss the new guy (guess I better start calling him the "new ex") a lot at times. We had a lot of fun together and I always looked forward to seeing him. I can see that there were some communication problems (he always thought everything I said was about him), but still, he was a very nice guy, and good to me most of the time. Oh well.

He came over last night and we had a long talk, made love, and said goodbye. Both of us crying a lot. My philosophy of life is just too vague for him, he says. So, I've gone from loving men who don't or can't love me to loving men who love me but can't be with me. I guess that's progress. It's such a crapshoot--like the lottery, it seems, the odds never change. Thanks, Rion. Your support helps.

p_rules--glad to hear there is some good news this morning. sounds like a great beginning for you both. enjoy it. --------------------- i'm having a tough morning--bad headache, a flood of tears. Nice email from the new guy, telling me how great he thinks I am and how sad he is that we won't be seeing each other anymore. Don't know if that makes it better or worse. Either way, it stinks. Frankly, I just don't know if I can do this again. Things seemed to be going pretty well, and then it's all upside down again. I just can't face the whole process of having to put one foot in front of the other until it all stops feeling so bad. I don't want to do this, especially now, but really, never again. How many wounds can this old heart of mine take?

Well, the new guy just broke up with me. I guess it's for the best, but it stings. A lot. I'm not looking forward to what comes next for me: spending some time getting over it, missing the things about him that were pretty endearing, wondering if I'll ever meet someone that'll be a good fit, getting out there and dating (ack) again. I hate this part. I was just getting to feel really okay about getting dumped 6 months ago, and now I get to do it again, albeit not nearly so intensely (at least I hope not). Sad tonight. Hope I feel better about this sooner rather than later.

Thanks, rion. This helps. I did some research last night--the new guy is a devotee of a certain kind of therapy that's popular around here. Seems it is very controversial, and one of the reasons why is that many people involved in it become permanently estranged from their families. I had dinner with the new guy and another couple last week, all of them in the same therapy (it's nearly a cult), and one of them was complaining about her mother, saying that she asked her mom for one kind of response and her mom responded with a nice card and an offer to get together to talk. The woman was completely contemptuous of her mom--I couldn't help myself and said, "well, at least she's making an effort--that's something." All three of them disagreed with me. So I asked the woman if, when she was born,she'd come with an operating manual. (!) Some people will never accept that the other people (including their parents) are, at bottom, just people. Flawed, error-prone, and, ultimately I would suggest, forgiveable for most things that happen in life. Like our exes. Like ourselves. Have a good day. And thanks again.

Well, I'm getting a new lesson. The new guy just left here after a rather difficult discussion. He had a terrible childhood, physical abuse, a degree of neglect--his mother lives near him, and doesn't even return his phone calls. I had a fairly normal childhood (whatever that means), had my issues, but was lucky enough to get to work things out with my dad before he died, and now have a very good relationship with my mom and my brother and his family, all of whom live around here. The new guy really needs for me to have more compassion for his pain--it's like he wants me to get inside it with him and feel it alongside him. It is like a slap in his face everytime I say anything about my family, or if my mom calls and we have a nice conversation. I told him that I feel badly that he had such a difficult time, and that it is hard to see how hard it is for him still--that I'm very impressed with all he is and all he's done in spite of the rough start he had in life. That I can feel some empathy for him, but I can't sit crawl into his head and feel the same pain he does. He feels like I just can't relate to him and so it's not going to work out. Well. Not sure what my part in this is, exactly. I can't carry the weight for him (nor would I, if I could). I'd be there to support him in whatever ways I can--I've been helping him already, designing business cards for him, helping him design his new business space, going with him to various trade shows for his industry, etc. I'm not sure what else I can do--but whatever I do, it doesn't seem to be enough or the right thing. I've asked him to try to articulate what it is he needs from me, or from any partner, since whatever it is, I don't seem to be able to hit on it on my own. Maybe he'll be able to do that, maybe not, but I'm guessing things aren't going to go in a very positive direction here. I guess I'm okay with it, if that's what has to be. I'd rather be able to be who I am, to be able to give the things I can give and have them be accepted and appreciated rather than constantly have to try to suss out what I'm expected to do that I'm somehow not doing well enough (or at all). Why are relationships so difficult. Very frustrating and pretty sad. Oh, well. Considering what I survived these past 5 months, I'll survive this, too. But it is a bit confusing to find myself here. Different, but still alone.

I heard from my ex's best friend that my ex would freak if he thought I was with someone new. I don't think it has to do with him wanting to be back together with me, it's more territorial. When his ex (the one he's still in love with who is now married to someone else) got married, he was convinced she wouldn't go through with it--how could she? she loved him, and couldn't possibly love someone else enough to get married. he was sure she would call him beforehand, to see if they might renegotiate their breakup. but she did get married, and he walked around for a while wondering how she could possibly have done that. hard for people like him to believe that anyone could love someone else more. (narciscism at its finest.) as his friend put it, "he thinks he can just keep moving the pieces around on the chessboard." As if the rest of us are waiting around for him to choose to be with _us_. No can do. (My new label for the ex is Bluebeard--he keeps all kinds of things around his house that remind him of all of his ex-girlfriends. It's like an ex-girlfriend mausoleum run by a serial heartbreak king.) your ex may feel a twinge if/when she hears you're with someone new, even if it's just dating/sex. she may be devastated, in fact. but if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you now, wouldn't she?

rion--after 8 years with one person, it can be interesting to sample what's out there. because you're a good, ethical person, you weren't interested in doing that while you were with your ex, but now it's okay. it doesn't make you a different person, just the same person under different circumstances. you're still a good guy. i have managed not to have sex with every guy i did the email thing with, and then met for drinks/dinner. frankly, i wasn't that attracted to some of the people who seemed really interesting online, once i met them. there's that magic thing called chemistry, which has a little to do with looks, but mostly to do with pheromones. [possible overshare] a few months after my breakup, i threw out all of my old undies and went to vicki's secret and got some new things. lacey stuff, comfy stuff, a whole mix to suit my various moods. kind of felt like a new start in a bizarre sort of way. (a friend of mine who does feng shui told me that i needed to throw out all of my sheets, and to buy a new mattress--failing that, she told me to beat my mattress with a baseball bat to remove all of the bad scoobies from a failed relationship. i'm just starting to go mattress shopping, which will require all new sheets because i've decided to go queen-sized after years of a regular double bed. it's probably time for a new mattress anyway...) [/possible overshare] have some fun. you deserve it, so long as you're not hurting anyone (and it doesn't sound like you are).

Apology NOT accepted. Don't ever apologize for what you feel--it's just how you feel. Apologize (when you need to) for how you act on that feeling. I think you're really apologizing to yourself, because you think you should be stronger by now. Be gentle with yourself, don't have high expectations. There will be times when you feel strong and times when you don't. Expect that, and accept it, and do what you can to take care of yourself. As for thinking about the ex, I just woke up after what felt like a whole night of dreaming that I was with the ex's daughter--the only woman he'll ever truly trust--talking about the breakup (I haven't seen or talked to her since the big event). I unloaded on her, told her her father was a sociopath (he is), told her that the the fact she went on our planned romantic vacation in my place (two weeks after the breakup) was creepy (it was), and generally let loose. I've been thinking about the ex constantly these past few days, partially because the new man in my life has expressed his deep feelings for me. I'm trying to figure out how to cope with that good news (!) in the midst of still getting over the ex. So, I fall back into a weird place with lots of thoughts of the ex, wondering how any man who spent so much time with me and seemed so happy could just walk away, without much of an explanation. So, give yourself a lot of slack. And keep posting as you need to. And thanks for listening to my own continuing tale of woe and exploration.

As you suggest, it is hard to come home, so be prepared for that, and don't expect too much of yourself for a little while. All part of the process.

Liam--don't feel guilty about posting about how you're feeling, etc. This is _your_ struggle. It should be all about you (or mostly, since the rest of us also do our own work on our own situations here, too). After my breakup, I went away for about 10 days--went horseback riding in northern California, along the coast. One thing about riding a horse you don't know is that it's hard to think about anything other than riding that horse, so it was a great distraction for me at a time when I was completely obsessing about the whole thing all the time. So, I hope your time away will be very engaging for you, and will help you not to think about all of this. One problem with this kind of misery is that it can become a habit. I have caught myself falling into what has become kind of a familiar place: feeling a bit sad, wondering why this all happened, etc. That kind of habit will get me nowhere, and doesn't help with my recovery from this injury at all. When I catch myself doing that, I try to reprogram my brain by immediately doing something that requires my attention, something REAL, something right in front of me. I really don't want to be a sad sack all my life, and I do want to get past this whole heartbreak. I hope one day to be grateful for the time I had with my ex, grateful for knowing him, and, most importantly, grateful for not being with him anymore--grateful it was not a life sentence. Not there yet--still wish I'd never met him. I am hopeful that will not always be the case. Have a good trip. And, when you get back, let us know how much fun you had.

Liam--I'm 51, and was like a horrible love-sick miserable 16-year-old when I got dumped. So, as strong as I may sound now, trust me, 10 weeks after the breakup, I was still crying a lot, calling all of my friends for support, and being completely freaked out about anything that had anything to do with the ex. I have only gone near his house once, and that was because I had to drive by it to get somewhere I needed to go. Other than that, I have completely stayed away from his friends, his family, and his neighborhood. I have gone out of my way to avoid running into him because I'm still not ready to do that. My strength is my discipline in all of this, not that I am so entirely over him. I am tempted to call him from time to time, or to send email, but I know that will only hurt me--he'll answer and be nice and yet still not want me anymore; or else he won't answer, so I won't know if he just didn't get the message or doesn't want to ever talk to me again; or else he will respond in a really cold way, like someone I never knew at all. All are guaranteed to tear me up. It's just not worth it. It's like continuing to eat food that you know you're allergic to. As good as it might taste going down, you're really going to regret it later. Look, your ex wishes you well. Her message to you can't be seen as anything but that. You meant a lot to her, and still do, but you have to accept that IT'S OVER. Until you do, you'll never get back on your feet and--and this is the hard part--you'll never get back together with her. You have to stop hoping that you will, as impossible as it seems to even give up that hope. Feel all of the grief, cry your eyes out, punch your pillow until there are feathers all over the place. Whatever it takes to get her out of your system. I know this seems absolutely impossible now, but it is possible--you'll never stop caring for the person you knew when you were together, and there will always be some kind of twinge when you think of her or see her--but the person you were with has changed in some real way inside and she's not accessible to you anymore. It stinks, it does, and you deserve to be loved and she should have loved you forever and ever. But that's not what happened. I know exactly how that feels and I still struggle with it a lot, every day. But I have stopped believing that I need to be with the ex, stopped believing that it's good for me to consider it, stopped believing that he even thinks of me anymore, even though that seems so incredible given the closeness we had. I had no other choice but to let go. And, my friend, I'm guessing the same is true for you right now. When you feel like contacting her, post something here instead. We hear you.

The new guy told me this weekend that he is totally in love with me. Ack. And wow. And yahoo. And yikes. I care very much for him. But I'm a little leery, too, which is to be expected. Part of it is not quite being past caring about the pathetic jerk who dumped me (oh, do I sound a little angry still?). Part of it is that the new guy is so different from all the men I've ever loved in my life--he's much kinder, more considerate, more open, more invested in me. I know I've been drawn to men who are somewhat emotionally remote because of my family--it has felt familiar to be around that. So this is a new, good, healthy thing in my life. But it is so unfamiliar. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming. Sometimes I miss the old way things always were. I can see that's a problem for me, since I deserve to be treated the way the new guy treats me, deserve to be loved so openly and gently. It's wigging me out a little. (Great topic for therapy this week.) rion--sometimes no news IS good news. perseverance--hope you're doing alright.

Ah, liam. What you're trying to do--maintaining a friendship with this person--is incredibly difficult in the short term, and will make your healing process much harder. I know how you feel--my ex was my best friend in so many ways. I truly enjoyed his company, aside from the physical intimacy and love I felt for him as a partner. And I miss that part of our relationship the most. But there's no way I could even consider being friends with him for the time being. It would be too hard, my feelings for him are so conflicted that I would find it impossible to disentangle the hurt part of me from the part that still likes him at more of a distance, as a friend. Maybe sometime in the future, but not until it no longer hurts so much in my heart. The weird mixture of anger, sorrow, and joy I would feel if I was in touch with him would just make me feel more hurt and confused--an emotional rollercoaster that I couldn't begin to handle. (The day he broke up with me, he did ask me if I could be friends, and I said, "No, I can't be friends with you. Not now, anyway." And that was that. He certainly seems fine with it, since I never heard from him again.) I can't heal if I keep scraping at a scab. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to be friends, but I wouldn't recommend it, just for your own well-being. You don't actually _need_ this person in your life. Before you knew her, you had a life, right? You got by, right? My advice, which you can take or leave as you can/want to: Let go, for now. One thing I read somewhere is that "true friendships are not easily undone." If you two truly are to be friends, it will wait. You don't need to pursue that friendship now. It's a little like heroin, this being in love stuff. It is a kind of addiction, which, when it's going well, is very pleasureable and not destructive. But once it gets destructive, even a small taste of the drug can hold you back from full recovery. And you do need to recover. Let the wounds really heal. Tell yourself you'll get back in touch with her in 6-9 months and see if you can reconnect as friends. That will help you move on now, which is what you need to do. And it's clear that you do still love this person, no matter what you said to her. That's why it hurts so much. Give yourself some time to let that go completely, as hard and harsh as that may sound. Believe me, I really do know what you're going through. I yelled and screamed at the universe like a madwoman for about 2 months after he dumped me. How could this person who was such a close friend turn into such a cold-hearted person who didn't love me anymore? But there it is. The truth. His loss. And mine. (But more his than mine, I've come to realize. I brought way more into his life than he brought to mine. The fact that he didn't value it as he might have still smarts, a lot at times. But that doesn't make me any less valuable. It just makes him look, well, kind of limited.) (And thanks for the kind words. I've learned a lot these past 5 months, and feel like I still have a great distance to go.)

liam---you "should feel" the way you feel. There's no "should" about it. You just have to feel whatever it is that is true for you. And then make some decisions about if/how you want/need to express any of those feelings to her. You can't really control how you feel, you can control how you act. The fact is that you did the things you did for her out of the goodness of your own heart. And she doesn't "owe" you anything as a result. You did it because you cared for her, not because you were keeping score, right? I know how you feel--I did so much for my ex, from helping him fix up his house (made slipcovers for his couch, for crying out loud) to cleaning/cooking/picking his kid up at football practice for him, etc. Gave him all kinds of gifts, helped him with various projects for work, was a sounding board for his ideas--I was there for him in ways he never was for me. I knew it was a risk, and that there was a chance that I'd never get back as much as I gave, but I did it because that's who _I_ am as a partner, and that's just how I have to be. He, on the other hand, was much more of a taker than a giver. Sounds like your ex may be the same way. If you want to write her a letter, go ahead and write it--for yourself. Let it all hang out, and then put it away somewhere for a few weeks or a month--don't send it. Wait and see how you feel a month from now. There's plenty of time for you to let her know how badly she hurt you, and how angry you are--no need to rush to do so. And good for you for being so angry--that means that you're standing up for yourself and that you truly value yourself. Revenge fantasies are a great way to work out some of your anger, so long as you don't act on them. My theory is that if you put bad energy out there in the universe, it comes back at you in spades. Best not to slash tires or turn people into the IRS or any of that. I still have a number of fantasies myself (my favorite is going to his house in the middle of the night and spraypainting "*sshole" all over his new shiny blue Subaru). But I just can't let myself do that. At some point I came to understand that he will never understand or relate to how I feel. He will never accept responsibility for what he did or the way he did it. So there's nothing I can do or say that will make that light bulb go off in his head. No way I can make him feel anything he isn't ready to own. (I also want to give his therapist of the list of the things he _should_ be talking about in therapy. The jerk.) (Him, not his therapist, although she may also be useless, since he persists in this kind of behavior with every woman he gets at all close to.) So. I am sorry that this all hurts you so much. Try not to contact her. Try to distract yourself somehow, other than doing things that are destructive to yourself. Do some hard manual labor. Go to the gym a lot. Go for a lot of walks and get some fresh air. Go for long bike rides. Call your friends and whine. Crank up the stereo and dance until you're exhausted. 10 weeks seems like an eternity, I know. But it's not much time when your heart has been broken, so be patient with yourself. It stinks, but the only way out of this hell is straight through it. And keep posting here. We're all here for you, we know what you're going through. We're all pulling for you.

Good Lord, that's a huge load for you to carry emotionally. I am so sorry to hear about all of this--just one of these events would be hard to take, but you've got a trifecta+. At least your brother is in treatment. One bright spot. Depression is a tough disease, and so often people end up self-medicating as a result. Hopefully, he'll get the help and support he needs to get on a better track in his life. And your sister sounds like a real trouper--in the midst of her own difficulties, she's invested in helping your brother. Talk about having real character! You two must have a good relationship, since you're asking her to come live with you. That's an amazing thing to do--character must run in the family. How lucky Melissa is to have you there to support her, too. You're not only a good brother, you're also a great friend. My heart goes out to you and the people you love who are going through such hard times. I am sure that your presense in their lives is quite a gift. It seems lame to say, "Hang in there," but sometimes that's all we can do.