LostInLA

Everyone has an extremely valid reply and I truly appreciate all the sincere and caring responses. Guess what? It's already waning. Sometimes all it takes is the weekend. I think I'm extremely bored at work. lol I'm actually meeting with headhunters to change jobs, and I'll bet you dollars to a donut that it will be out of sight, out of mind. Also...sometimes I stop to think...what if I'm manufacturing all this "attraction" stuff in my head? God, I would be MORTIFIED if he found out I was (or had been) attracted to him! lol! So best put this puppy to rest. Thanks again...and I'll check in to see how I can help others here. Take good care!

I have a pretty strong character and will, though, guy, and if I make up my mind not to do something, I will not do it...no matter what the temptation. That's just the way I've always been (and that's what gave me the strength to never fall to peer pressure while I was growing up). And, Twi, I would love to be just platonic friends with this guy. The thing is...I never consciously flirt. I go out of my way to make sure I am reacting like one of the guys...but I'm naturally pretty outgoing and friendly and like to make a connection with people beyond superficialities. I know I'm a good listener and I try to actually hear what people are saying and comment on their life. I'm beginning to think these traits are not necessarily conducive to making the opposite sex think you want to be "just friends." lol It seems that every straight male I've tried to be "just friends" with will eventually interpret it as "something else." But I don't think I'm unique in this aspect...I think it's the bane of women everywhere. That's why it's safest to have gay males as good friends. Anywho...thanks for the advice, guys. I am definitely going to retire a bit away from the friendliness thing with P and see if that cools tihngs down. Because I would never, ever want to muck up my marriage...it's the best relationship I've ever had.

it's called "preemptive dumping." lol Seriously...was he initiating the fights to cause you to break up with him? Very possible...this is the method for a lot of guys because they don't have the balls to actually do the dumping. However, his reaction now suggests this might not have been the case. But let's look at the bigger picture here. The guy was initiating multiple fights with you, and you walked away. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Did you tell him why you were leaving? That would have been his cue to say that he didn't want to break up and that you guys should deal with your issues. From your descriptions of his behavior then and now, though, I don't think this guy has any kind of handle on what he's really feeling or how it affects others. That usually means gross immaturity (children think that they are the center of everyone's universe). Ultimately, the reason you dumped is not the issue. You got out for whatever reason and IMO you did the right thing for you. Forget about "being civil" with this dude. Chalk it up to youth and inexperience and move on. Be sure to learn from this, though, and choose future partners more wisely (and you'll do some growing up yourself by taking this route).

Your profile says you're 20. You got married at 15???? Okay. I agree with the other posts. Walk away, never look back, go to school (Did you drop out of high school to get married? Then get your GED and go to college.) and start your life on a healthy, higher self esteem track. Because you're heading for disaster. You're only 20. You're far too young to be in this trainwreck.

Forgive me if I don't have too much sympathy here. I've been the victim of a guy who always "restrained" me from leaving...I don't care what you call it...it's STILL domestic violence and physical abusive. What you did was a control and power move and that's what it's all about. I don't care if she was emotionally unavialable, "withholding sex," whatever. YOU always had the option to WALK AWAY. What you want to do is control another human being and it's just not possible. You can go to all the anger management classes in the world but until you deal with your underlying psychological issues, nothing will be resolved and you will keep repeating this messed up pattern. It's called "acting out." You need intensive therapy, dude, and you need to stay out of relationships altogether until you are healthy. Because you are nowhere near healthy right now, and I imagine you've been in this state for quite some time. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, try to get back together with this woman. You are toxic for her and she wants you out of her life. To conclude -- let her go...get therapy for your violence and control issues...and do NOT enter into a relationship with anyone else until YOU are healed. Personally, if a guy ever laid ONE HAND on me for ANY reason, I would bolt and never look back. Once a male has that proclivity, statistics have shown that there's no turning back...because something deep in her character thinks physically (and probably mentally) controlling a female is okay.

I just read your reply on another subject (about a guy whose wife cheated on him): Nope, I hate to say it, but once she's cheated there is no trust. You will always be questioning things, always. It will drive you crazy plus there are so many girls out there that will not cheat on you, becasue they will value your relationship more than that. I wrote my response to his subject even before I read your post. Looks like we think exactly alike!

It'll be fine. I'm not really agonizing over it -- I guess I want to know I'm still attractive to someone I find attractive. Now, if I had been cool with the whole flirting thing my whole life and if I knew when a guy was flirting with me, I would probably not even be having this conversation.

if I ever cheated on my husband, I would NEVER expect him to stay with me. Hence, I would never cheat on him unless I was ready to say "goodbye." I also would never stay with him if he cheated on me. I'm progressive in most areas...but I think that once that trust is betrayed (at it's something really feral and deep with humans), it's gonzo and there's no getting it back. You can almost get it back, but it will never be like before. Some people say that it's a different kind of trust...but seriously...I would never be able to get over the "Hey if you were looking to have sex with someone else why didn't you tell me BEFORE you did it and then give ME the option of choosing what to do with this knowledge?" thing.

especially since I'm extremely attracted to P sometimes, like, let's say, Friday night after work, and then by Sunday it's completely faded. LOL! Fickle, right? No, seriously, your reply makes a LOT of sense and I truly appreciate your taking the time.

You're probably right...and Metallica ROCKS.

but I will do everything in my power that they never know I'm crushing on them. Never. I would be mortified if I was attracted to them, let them know it, and then they didn't feel the same way.

Except for the part about your not liking your boyfriend (and I'm fairly certain you don't). Girl, I would get out of my relationship if I were you. I was in the exact same relationship when I was in my 20s -- and I eventually left. I don't think you're in love with your boyfriend and your heart and mind are trying to tell you something. Listen to them! You are developing this intense crush because you want OUT of your present relationship. Women traditionally are burdened with that thing of "try to make it work out" and not wanting to be seen as not being "nice." And if you leave this guy, he is NOT going to think you're very nice. But you know what? You only go around once and I do not think you're happy with your boyfriend. It will be difficult to break away...but I think you should consider it seriously.

I never, EVER thought I would be writing about this on a forum on the internet and I want everyone to know that I have no intention of cheating on my husband. That being said...there's this guy at work. Issue No. 1: I'm married. He's not. My husband and I have a great relationship -- we're best friends and I'm more comfortable around him than anyone in the world and we laugh together constantly. We've been together for 10 years total (married for the last 2 1/2 years). Only problem is...we don't have sex anymore (I know, I know, probably more common than I think). The scary thing...it doesn't seem to bother either one of us. We cuddle constantly and are very affectionate but the sex is missing. Could be we're not sexually attracted to each other any longer...who knows? I do know this causes no strife in our relationship. Other than that... There's this guy at work. He's younger than me (about 10 years I think...but my husband is also 10 years younger than me). Let's call this guy at work "P." P is very shy, but opens up completely around me. We have a vast amount of stuff in common and laugh and talk to each other all the time. If I don't make an effort to talk to him at least twice a day, he will seek me out and start conversing with me. I would almost say I have more in common with him than my husband, and I never thought that possible. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend and I think he's socially awkward around women. That being said, I really like him as a person and love having him as a friend. Our friendship seems to get stronger every day and he's said little things like "we should do this or we should do that." I keep it on a friendship level and laugh and say "Sure!" So what's the problem? Lately I've found myself intensely attracted to P. I have to make efforts to NOT think about him in "that way." When he comes up to help me, he leans in very close (especially when he's behind me)...but never inappropriately. He gives me silly little gifts and tells me "here's a gift for you" (I mean they're really silly. Think office supplies. lol) What's my question, then? I know I'm not going to cheat on my husband...but I can't help wondering if this shy guy is flirting with me or if it's all in my imagination. I guess I want the confidence of an ego-boost. Sorry to ramble...and thanks!