nicdigby

Hi Caveat. The trip is not cancell-able or postponable at all. You said that "If I was in your BF's shoes I would probably be thinking that this trip might be an opportunity to bridge the gap between the two of you and rekindle whatever spark may remain." That is absolutely spot on...he appears to be in complete denial about the relationship splitting and appears to be putting all his hopes towards the fact that our trip will solve all. Your guess that he was planning to ask me to marry him on this trip is correct. That is what sparked off all this...I thought he might do just that and panicked because my gut reaction was to think I didn't want it & that I felt trapped. You;re right in saying that his world/future just took a major beating...but he is denial about it...perhaps it is easier to be in denial than to face what might come about. His comment about my new found independence, circle of friends etc is accurate. I have found self-confidence for the first time in my life. My self-esteem has always been low and recently it has grown. I realise that I am attractive and could find another guy if I wanted to. I do think that I could stand on my own two feet now, although it is still very very scary. For example, I would like to go travelling for a period of months....without my boyfriend. He knows this, and says he wouldn't be very happy because I would be away from him for a period of months. "I'm curious to see if you can/will answer this question with a simple 'yes' or 'no': are you willing to risk losing this man as a lover and friend forever for the opportunity to venture out on your own?" At the moment the answer swings to 'no' about 70% of the time, with the other 30% of the time being a 'yes'....not really answering the question properly, is it? Perhaps that shows the level of my uncertainty and confusion though.

hallo Caveat. Thanks for replying again. You offer some very sensible advice and relevant experience. I had another talk with my boyfriend last night, and I was very blunt and honest. I didn't realise what a release that could be!! I told him that I don't fancy him (find him attractive) any more although your point about the pressure of what he wants overriding that attraction is applicable. I told him how much pressure I'd felt under and he acknowledged this. I told him that I felt I was going crazy with the pressure and he said it wasn't intentional and that all the marriage, house and children stuff can wait for another time. (if at all for the latter). He said he could tell for the last 2 weeks that something was up bigtime because I was acting weirdly. I even plucked up the courage to tell him that our sex life was appalling and that he doesn't satisfy me. Which surprised him. He said he would be prepared to work at it. Interesting. I told him that I want to go out and party and have a single life for a while, and to travel, and that it was pressure, both from him and from work etc that was making me want to escape. And he said that he felt that for the first time, I have developed my own circle of friends, a sense of self-confidence and outgoingness that I haven't had before, and that he felt that was a good thing. So, the upshot is, that we are going away in 10 days time to spend 4 weeks on a very difficult overland trip, where conditions will be harsh and we will be in each other's company 24/7. This was not something that could be cancelled, so it's good that we are friends enough to still do this. But we have talked about the fact that we may end up hating each other on the trip. And the fact that our relationship is in limbo now, and that I may well feel when we get back that we should still go our separate ways. And that I can't make him any promises. Things are more relaxed and less unhappy and I no longer feel like bursting into tears. The immense pressure I had on my shoulders has also disappeared, which is great. We may well still split up, because the issues I have with our relationship won't go away overnight.

hallo again. Birdgirl - you are spot on in addressing one of my fears about staying with him - I am worried that if I get married it'll only end in divorce, and sooner rather than later. I said that to him yesterday - would he have preferred that I accept his marriage proposal, get married, and then have me turn around and say 'I had doubts all along'..? That would be an awful thing to do to him, and a divorce is such a public way of ending things...everyone knows your marriage has failed...at least this way we can both say it was no-one's fault and he gets to save face. Caveat - I have told him that I'm not ready for kids yet. The problem is that he's adamant that he wants them before he's 40 because his father was an older father and they never connected. And that's less than 18 months away (I am 8 years younger). I have pointed out that many of his friends haven't become fathers and they are the same age. But I feel so pressurised by that. And I have explained that to him. But I guess he feels let down by his own father. My partner would be a fantastic father...but I fear that he would become my ex-partner in the process and I would become a single Mum and thereforeeee he wouldn't be the father he envisaged anyway. You are correct in stating that we have skirted around the issues and haven't gotten to the real issues (or at least some of them). But HOW do you tell someone that he's crap in bed and has never really satisfied you without hurting them immensly and making them feel so inadequate that you lose your sex life anyway? How can I tell him that? ('darling, I've been faking it all this time and it's never done much for me, even though I have tried'.) HOW can I tell him that I don't fancy him anymore? (I can't - that's an awful thing to say and that's NOT one of the reasons I gave him yesterday. That's bound to make anyone feel dreadful about themselves. But I do believe that you should still fancy your other half and have regular good sex only 5 years into a relationship, else what happens 10 years down the line?

hi there. The thing is, I HAVE talked to him. Over the years, we have had arguments every few months, after which we always talk to see what can be done better. A year ago, for example, we decided to spend more time together and ever since, we always make one night a week 'sacred' for us as a couple (there are other nights too, but more adhoc). Two months ago, we talked about why our sex life was so awful... you ask why it was so awful....he frequently pushed me away, which humiliated me. When things did happen, it was very mediocre - to be honest his technique was dreadful (really; I honestly don't think it is me on that score!) and I have never enjoyed it as much as I have with guys before. Also, I don't fancy him anymore, which can't help.. I also told him two months ago and six months ago too that I wasn't ready for children and marriage yet, and I didn't know why, just that I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready....but he wants kids in the next 18 months or so. And I feel pressurised big time. There's a lot of stuff I want to do before all that.

hi there. I might have slightly confused you...I'm not wanting another relationship with anyone. All of my emotions and feelings relate to feeling scared about finishing this one and being on my own. Yes I have a crush on another man. But I do think that to bound into a relationship with him would be an absolute disaster. I am hurting about my 5 year relationship and torturing myself over whether I have done the right thing or whether I should work at things with him again.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years. On paper, he is my ideal man and he has everything I desire in a man, and we have a nice lifestyle. He was about to ask me to marry him....to which my gut instinct was to say no...which has kicked off a series of thoughts which led yesterday to me finishing the relationship. For the last year I have been conscious of thinking that maybe he isn't 'the One', but I have been burying my head in the sand. Our sex life is appalling. I don't fancy him anymore, and I have felt trapped and bored for months. I am no longer proud to introduce him as my boyfriend. I behave more sedately when I am out with him than when I am out on my own. His habits annoy me a lot, and I look forward to the odd weekends when he goes away with the lads. I have also developed, since last summer, a huge crush on another man, whom I have been thinking about every day and every night for months. I have tried not to...I have tried to concentrate on my boyfriend, but I think that the fact that I like this guy so much (and am prepared to sleep with him even when I am still with my boyf) was telling me that my 5 year relationship was failing. Yesterday, I finished the relationship with my partner. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was so hurt. He said he was going to ask me to marry him. He said he wanted to work things out and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He kept saying that we could work things out. It was dreadful. I told him that although I loved him a great deal, I wasn't IN love with him anymore. And I said that the idea of marrying, buying a house together and having children was freaking me out and my gut instinct was that I didn't want it. But now it's the day after. And of course I'm having doubts. I feel terrible. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. I'm thinking that surely trying again is easier than feeling like this...and of course I'm worried about what my life will be like from now on. I am very scared to be on my own after all this time. I am scared about losing my lifestyle and not having his friendship. It just seems ridiculous - I have found a man who wants to make me happy & wants to marry me. Things could be great for a few weeks, but what about in six months time if I still feel suffocated? I need some advice before it's too late.

OP here - Things came to a head yesterday and I finished the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was so hurt. He said he was going to ask me to marry him. He said he wanted to work things out and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I told him that although I loved him a great deal, I wasn't IN love with him anymore. And I said that the idea of marrying, buying a house together and having children was freaking me out and my gut instinct was that I didn't want it. But now it's the day after. And of course I'm having doubts. I feel terrible. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. I'm thinking that surely trying again is easier than feeling like this...and of course I'm worried about what my life will be like from now on. It just seems ridiculous - I have found a man who wants to make me happy & wants to marry me. And we could have a perfectly good life together....but then I remind myself that our sex life is awful; I don't fancy him anymore, and that I have felt trapped and bored for months. Things could be great for a few weeks, but what about in six months time if I still feel suffocated? And I still have that crush on the other guy too - that's been going on for seven months now and I worry big time about the fact that I can so easily have a massive crush on someone when I have been with my boyf for five years. The poster above was right when they said that this guy is the opposite of all the things I don't like about my boyfriend. I need some advice before it's too late.

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years. On paper, he is my ideal man and he has everything I desire in a man, and we have a nice lifestyle. But our sex life has always been shockingly poor; he has always pushed me away which I find humilating and initmacy only happens about once every three months. Even then it's pretty poor quality. For the last year I have been conscious of thinking that maybe this isn't the long-term relationship for me after all, but I am too scared to be on my own after all this time. We have had a couple of rows in this time, and we always end up agreeing the next morning to try again...me because I always end up sobbing in the night, worried about how I'm throwing a 5 year relationship away, and wondering what I have achieved with my life. My boyfriend is kind, generous and perfect marriage/fatherhood material, and now he is talking about buying a house together (we rent right now), and having children together. To my dismay, these ideas, and that of marriage, fill me with worry that I really am not ready and when I look into the future, I feel 'trapped' by this. Marriage feels me with worry, not hapiness. I worry that I would be saying the vows while thinking "this is a sham and it's not going to last". I worry that I am settling for this, because I am too scared to be on my own (which I am). His habits are starting to annoy me a lot, I no longer fancy him, and I look forward to the odd weekends when he goes away with the lads. To add to this, last summer I met a guy who I have what can only be described as a crush and/or obsession with. I adore this guy. I see him about 4 times a week...at work. We have a good friendship, one tinged with flirting and tension. He knows I like him and I know he likes me....but we both know that we are both attached...me much more seriously than he is. But I can't stop thinking about this guy. I think about him every morning when I wake up, every night when I go to sleep, and every day in between. I fantisise about having a relationship with him. I miss him like crazy when he's away, like he is this weekend, when I won't see him for a week. Things happened a few weeks ago and we got intimate...I thought this would put a stop to my feelings but they continue just as strongly. I tell myself I need to get over him. I tell myself that's he's completely unsuitable, probably interested in sex but not much more, not long-term material at all, and that I shouldn't consider breaking up my relationship for him...and that he might not respond even if I do. My head tells me those sensible things...that I should concentrate on my boyfriend and forget the other guy. But then I think that the other guy is a symptom of a relationship in trouble and that I shouldn't think of accepting marriage etc when I am in love (and I think I am) with another guy...even it that love isn't returned. I consider myself normally sensible but I am at a total loss as to what to do. This has all come to a head in the last week and I think I am going to crack up if I don't talk to someone. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I don't want to end up hurt. But what's going on in my head at the moment is driving me to distraction. Has anyone got any advice or experience for me?