Rickster
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hahaha lgirl, I guess we really have to agree to disagree. Im feeling much better that she text me herself. Yes Im obsessed. I admit, Ive said it myself, and sometimes I feel it myself, but when you love someone so much, even if I were to be with someone else, I would still have small thoughts about it, because I know I love her very much, and I told you my pride lies within our relationship. Whenever Ive done something good, I thank my relationship. As what dzazde said "But if you reallie love that person and care for them, you would still care for them, even if they go and get a new bf/gf.... This is what I believe a relationship/friendsihp is all about." As much as Im obsessed, I do not force things, that's why I don't call her every second I have to spare. I told you Im combining to two essential ingredients, hardwork(needed in all friendships and relationships) and the time.
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Well guess what, she sent me 4 texts today. It was like regarding some english words she didn't know and she told me the reason for it later(We're both from Asia but Im English educated where else her first language is Chinese). So I was thinking wow, Im not the only person in this country who can speak proper English, she could have text anyone else, but she chose me. And the thing that made me more happy is that I was pesimistic when thinking about what returns I might get back, so it made me even more happy. I feel that after I did this, Im starting to feel like myself, like the person I used to be, a funny, joker, and a happy chappy.
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dzadze - thanks, I don't feel so confused now cause someone agrees with me. I guess everyone is different has different situations. Not everyone is best suited for what Im doing or NC. I have taken the second route. It was damn tough for me earlier, but Im fine now.
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well, you will not see it now, for now its going to be tough to ignore her. but later when you are friends again it's going to be much easier. you see im was in the exact same situation. i came back and went to college near a college she was at. the tough thing was trying to show her that im different. but i couldn't talk to her easily because we don't see the same things, we don't go out as friends and do the same things, we don't hear the same things. so it's very tough to talk about anything. shes obviously not going to want to go out with you anywhere. so what i say she has nothing to talk about and what she would talk about i have nothing to say. plus don't tell her "im over you". show it to her that you are over her. you you don't prove anything with words, but actions do. take everything very friendly and nothing more. infact if you want you can read my thread
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sorry I edited the post above abit. HAH!!! her going for a holiday is even better. You cant contact her in that way. Better still. Exactly the way I did NC with my ex, it was so easy because I couldn't contact her even if I wanted to. Just ignore her in class.. and show her that your still the same person as before but better. Show her you aren't depressed. Show her that you still have friends and you still participate... Gee its even easier for you than me that you guys are in the same class
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Im going to also agree to let her go now. Atleast until you feel happy about yourself and you're not crazy, and if you really wanted her back, only think of her as a friend and nothing more. You story sounds exactly like mine. She left me for the distance. And I did all the worst possible things. Right now your mind is playing with yourself. I used to think that she'll forget about me. I used to beg and plead her, but no amount of that is going to work. The more your mind plays with you, the more mistakes you do. So thats why you should NC her for abit. The chance of getting back with her is unpredictable. But I believe that being her friend the chances is obviously much higher than if she hated you.
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Why is everyone telling me to let her go when Im her friend? What makes you guys say she does not want to be my friend? I fully understand she has a bf and Im not showing any signs of hatred. There can't be harm done when Im her friend. I feel like I have given time away from her, which I said before, I gave 2 weeks of total NC, and I thought about what I was doing wrong, and I feel like I have enough of NC and Im over the depression stages. NC is not going to get me anywhere. If you don't do anything, your not going to make mistakes but it's also not going to get you what you want. I understand my feelings. I understand even that what I do now, it's not definitely going to get my ex back, but atleast Im friends with her and no one will ever know when we are friends, she might love me again. I hide my love away from her and her friends. I sound like Im only her friend, and that's because Im not scared that she has another bf or that she talks about him in front of me, and Im not depressed. There is a difference between boyfriend and a boy friend. Im sure she can accept me as a boy friend. I know she has a bf. When I was with her I have girl friends, the difference is one you love one you only have as a friend. I now know that Im obssessed with her and that is what Im doing wrong. But thats why I do not call her everyday. Proper friendship doesn't happen overnight, it takes time and Im giving all that time. Im combining hard work and time to let it work for itself. Im still determined. If you are feeling happier why do you want to stop feeling happy? Im feeling happy about what Im doing, its not the happiest Ive been. What could be wrong with feeling happy, that would make me want to do the opposite thing? I still don't understand why people are telling me to NC her. The only thing that struck me was that "how can I be her friend when I love her". I agree, it's true. Somehow I feel like Im her friend. Im confused now after that being said, but it seems like Im going the right way. She is talking to me, and Im feeling happier and stronger as time passes on. Maybe it's because Ive really moved on, but Im her friend.
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I will never know if she still cares about me, that is in her mind and heart. No-one will know about it only her. Yes she tells me that shes spending time with her bf but as a friend Ill accept. Do you think if I go now telling her I want her back she will want me? After what Ive put her through (making her worried that I might pass away). I made my breakup worst by being suicidal, and pestering her. Do remember, she loved me very much. She left me because I was far away, I can only blame myself for it. I cannot read from her mind that she still cares about me or still loves me. And today I called her. We talked for a long time, and she sounded just like herself. I didn't know how long we talked for, but it was long. I don't want to disrespect her, that would mean disrespecting my friendship with her. Another point I put forward from some friend of mine who has such a bright mind. He told me "I don't think she thinks of you like that(suicidal) or else she wouldn't be here". And he does make sense. He always comes out with the best things to say. She is well aware that I want to get back with her... as a friend. I talk with her very mutually. I never talk about relationships, anything to do with her bf, or harm her relationship with her bf. I just talk about whats going on. Like what I do with other friends. Exactly the same. She will not say that she wants me back, why? Well, we aren't super close friends yet. I know as I love her I cannot be a close friend and that my emotion will play a part. But that is why I have to call her as a friend, and I feel like Im a true friend. I do not want to feel that she trusts me, I want her to trust me trully. I wouldn't call this a plan. But I would say that Im getting myself back together in the right way. In a way that will let nature work for itself after Im her close friend. I cannot say that without my ex Im happy, nor can I say that at the moment Im at the happiest in my life. Im only happy when shes with me. I can say people give up very easily especially in break ups. That's because you guys feel so sad about it. I was sad before. You guys are so sad about it that made you do silly things that pushed you further away and in the end you feel even more sad about it that you just give up and don't want to think about it and that's why you do NC. I was one of them. But I looked at it differently. Is there not one thing in your lives that you guys truly want? And you would do anything it takes to get it, it doesn't have to be relationships, but anything. Why am I trying to loose a friend(I enjoyed her companionship even long before we got together). You have to look at it at a different angle. Im sure everyone can be friends, it just takes time and effort. And because you feel so sad about it and it will take alot of time and effort you guys give up. The more people talk down on what Im doing, it really makes me more determined to do better. If I definitely knew that later I could be with her, will there be effort put in? It is like 'The Matrix', why do you think the oracle told the one is isn't the one? If he knew he was the one, would he even try? He wouldn't have gone in and saved his friends.
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Well ya. Im quite obssessed. That's what my sister told me too. Well, it's good and bad that I'm obssessed. Its good because, it makes me work harder, but its bad because Im indirectly forcing something. But I don't think I stalk her, I don't follow her around and stuff, and I don't ask her where she is and what she is doing and all sorts like that. I believe that (and this goes for everyone) if you really love the other person you'll be just as determined as me. And Im really taking a different approach to getting her back. Everyone on this forum only believes in NC. And I said before if you really want your ex back, only do NC to a certain extent. And I believe at this moment I need to be her friend, a close friend. There's no point running to her now and saying that I love her so much, she's not going to care. I guess everyone's situation is abit different. She couldn't carry on being with me because I moved to a different country to study (but I moved back). It's just something which I saw in her eyes on Sunday that told me she still thought about me. It was weird. Cause I saw her and it was kind of awkward. And then my girl friends(not gf) started talking about guys and someone brought up the topic of her sister's bf cross stitched something for her sister and she didn't believe it because he didn't look like the guy to cross stitch. And the second she said that, I could see my gf's face and eyes really differently and I could tell she was thinking of what I did (I made her a hard cover book with reasons why I love her, and Im not a crafty person). And during that day she was like smiling and laughing and stuff like that so I believe she hasn't forgotten about me. And of course Ive got to make her believe Im a worthy friend. Because she doesn't love me being suicidal. She loves me for the person I was before, not when Im suicidal. Currently I have to show it to her that Im that person before, and I really am. When you said "energy would be better spent on finding someone you don't have to convince to be with you", for me I don't do it it's because I really love her, and I was proud to be with her, so Im not going to destroy that pride. Im a man with a plan, and it's working. I don't believe Im actually feeling more happy, but Im. Im not the happiest. But at times I think very pesimistic, so that when she does something nice to me I feel so happy about it. By the way, you said earlier that "does she ever call you", ya like 3 times. One of them I screwed it up(was about computers), the other I was late to pick up(but it was something other than computers), and the other she asked me about a cd. I used to think that she was just using me for my computer knowledge. But then again I thought about it from a different perspective. If she had really hated me, would you think she would call me? Plus Im sure some of her friends must know about computers, even if she didn't have friends who know about computers she could always ask the sales man at the counter.
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For now, Ill accept even being friends. Ive heard many people on these forums saying that their ex won't talk to them. Im lucky she does talk to me and she does ask questions and she does reply them in a way that she doesn't mind talking to me. And we kind of joke around and laugh here and there. Surely this does sound like friends, doesn't it. Isn't it when you work hard it pays off. Ive noticed that whenever you work hard in something you'll get results. Doesn't matter how fast but sooner or later you'll get there. Whatever efforts you put in will return back to you. And Im very determined. When she broke up with me, I told myself that Im not going to give up, and this is what I have left of me. My pride is in my relationship with her. Energy wasted to talk to her for me currently is like a bonus. As in all relationships and friendships, it requires work. Im persistent because of my pride. Friends are friends. If I were in her shoes I would still be friends, even though if I was with someone else. Is there any harm of creating new friends? The more the merrier. Nah she doesn't talk to me about her bf currently. But if she did I wouldn't mind listening. I believe that when people start talking about personal thigns to you, they trust you, they trust you with the information they are giving and they trust you as a person. They can only trust you if you are friends with them right. Im trying to get closer to her. If she does start talking to me about thigns like her bf or any other personal things I wouldn't mind listening, it shows she trust me and sooner will be even closer friends. Why would it hurt me to know that she trust me even more? Plus I don't believe she is talking to me nicely so that Im not going to go all suicidal. Because when I was all suicidal, she would reject me, and she said it herself she was afraid of being and seeing me. So if I called her now, why does she pick up? I like what you say, makes me think from all angles. Hopefully you don't see this as an argument.
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haha lgirl, I actually do feel better. Maybe it's the fact that you don't know how she used to treat me before compared to now. Everything takes time. Friendships and relationships don't just take 2 seconds. And the fact that we both go to different schools and have different friends and don't go and see the same times together we don't have much to say. Yes I was suicidal over her and this made her afraid of talking and meeting me. She now knows Im not suicidal. After all this (if you've read all my posts before but I'll summarise it here) showing to friends and showing her and talking on the phone to her differently, Ive made her think Im not that person anymore. She said she had to go, whether it could be her bf telling her this, or whether she was truly busy, or whether she had to go for dinner, it doesn't matter I respect whatever she does. If I were to say no you can't go does that improve my chances in her actually being friends with me. She might not show respect to me now, but later when we are closer friends she would. She might not see me as a genuine friend, but later on after a few more friendly phone calls, she probably would. If she didn't show any respect to me, would she pick up my calls? Would she ask me a few questions when I did call her? Plus, friends talk about anything. If she has to talk about her bf, so be it. Slowly she would start to talk about all the things she hates about her bf. What Im doing now is just being friends with her, starting from the very beginning and see how close as friends we can get. From there you never know that she can love me again. Im not saying at this moment shes going to come back to me, no, it won't work like this. But if there's any chance of being together you have to start from being friends again. True? Im looking at it very differently from a different perspective. I would think what I would do in her position and then apply it to me. I guess everyone is either looking at it to do NC and move on and don't care about your ex, or where you feel all depressed and can't move on. Im glad its working for me. That 3 mins next time might be 5. And you never know that I will get to see her again. And Im getting stronger, and still being her friend
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Rina, you are right. I used to think that when my ex said shes doing work I wouldn't believe her because she just wanted me off the phone with her. But irrespective of whether it is true or not, just believe it. Your ex needs that space. But now when she says shes busy then I would say goodbye. I just called her and she sounded really different. Different from before. Its working. SHe really thinks of me as a true friend, expecially after Sunday when we went out as a group of friends. Guess she realised. Our conversation was like what it used ot be before, except for all the I love you's and all the sweet things she would say and also we talked for a short time like 3 mins. So I guess it's getting better
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I want to send this e-mail to my ex.
Rickster replied to JimmerJammer's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
Your email does sound quite sad. Made me think about myself too. -
lgirl, I used to think like how you think. I used to say that she's not giving me any respect because when I ask her about where she is or what she's doing she would simply reply in my bf house. I went berserk that she was in her bf house. But then again you go all crazy over it, that you don't realise the fact, yes she doesn't love me and she loves him, so obviously she would go and be with her new bf. If I go all crazy about it now, she wouldn't talk to me. You have to understand that she has a new bf and accept that fact that she loves him, but this is my way of trying to be friends with her again, ever since I told her that I wanted to commit suicide she started getting afraid of me and didn't want to talk to me. In fact Im going to call her now. Not talk to her since Sunday. So Im still following my plan.
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Igirl, you want your man back after he physically beat you? Have you ever thought that normal friends shouldn't beat you, even more so your bf? The reason why it worked for me is because I knew she still had a thing for me, and she told me she still loved me abit, but because I was far away in another country she couldn't go on eventhough now she still has another bf, I will still try, for me my pride and dignity isn't as important as her. Im not sure about you people, which you would rather. If you really loved your ex, pride and dignity wouldn't matter.
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I don't know. I think NC works till a certain extent and what your objective is. Is it to totally forget about him, u don't want him anymore or you think you have a chance and you still want to be with him. But I believe everyone should start from NC at first. Maybe you want to read my thread I did. Don't know if it will help you. But it did help me link removed
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HAH!!!! Im so happy. I went out with a group of friends and called her along too and she actually came. And we did talk and stuff. And even before she came she called me! I just can't believe it. She called me. Eventhough it was about computers (cause I used to fix her computer and like she wanted to borrow some cd). But atleast she called me. Im like so excited now. What Ive said in this topic is really working out. She actually sees me as a friend! We are getting closer. Don't believe it.
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How Does Married People Managed To Stay Together?
Rickster replied to Rickster's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
Oh yes, I forgot to add. But isn't long term-relationships also part of understanding each other? -
You can do whatever you wish, you don't have to listen or you can listen. We were just only telling you what you could do from the problem you dislike. Up to you how you want to accept it. You can live life like how combat_barbie said, no problem. But you said it was a problem to you so we were helping oyu out.
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How Does Married People Managed To Stay Together?
Rickster replied to Rickster's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
I really liked what you guys said. It makes sense. And as Im 17, I respect my elder's wise words. But one thing that I just have to ask. Im sure that not everyone is completely the same. There is probably 1 or 2 things that one dislikes of the other. And this is what I did when I was with my ex. We would compensate each other. She would accept doing something she didn't like and I would do something I didn't like. Or I would change for her, but I was happy to do anything to make her happy. Or she would do likewise. One other thing I never understood in a marriage. If you are married, does that mean that you should have children? Is that one of the main purpose of getting married? -
Sounds like you can't control yourself. Well, it's all in your head. We can only keep telling you on words and text, but it's only up to you to think about it and implement things. It's like a smoker, you can only tell him not to smoke, the rest it up to the smoker. Plus it sounds like you don't want to be in a real relationship? If you did, sex wouldn't come into your own mind first. What would come into your mind would be how he treats you, does he care for you, and whether he would stay on for you. I guess when a guys asks you for sex, you could simply say, "Im just not ready for that yet".
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SuperDuper - I called her today. Im feeling much better. Its honestly not the fact that Im scare fo her or that Im emotionally unstable. Just the fact that I don't know what to say. Atleast we had a friendly conversation when I called her. She sounded more like she was giving in and trusting me more. Thanks SuperDuper for the replies. So far I think its getting better between me and her. Well everything just seems so slow. But slow will get me somewhere rather than not doing anything which won't get me anywhere
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Thats true
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Ive not seen a married couple stay together. My family is broken up. And I just wanted to know what makes couple want to get married and how do they manage to stay together for so long? I think this is the ultimate question in long term relationships. My ex broke up with me. And I just want to understand how do people manage to stay on for so long. I thought that I could stay on and get married with my ex. But it appears that my long distance relationship made her feel that she rather want someone else there for her. I would prefer a married person to give advice but anyone please feel free to contribute.
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There is no exact time to tell whether you should sleep with that person. Im 17 and only slept with one girl. So if you're 16 and slept with 8 then thats alot. I think they should show their commitment to you first. Are they willing to hold on to you. Do you feel secured that he will stay with you. How well he treats you? DO you trust him? I think the biggest question is trust. No matter what happens to you will they care for you? And all of this takes time to find out so normally don't just jump into bed.