Rickster

I think that it would be best to not ask him anything. Just go with the flow, like how you said in your last post about the two of you becoming lovers without you even knowing it. I think things would work out beter that way. He would know you much better by you meeting up with him often, and you'll understand him better. I would think its more natural this way, rather than asking him what he wants, because honestly, I don't think he knows what he wants and most likely he is afraid of accepting you and as a result reject you. If you want to show that you are willing to change, show it by your actions and not your words. I want to add that, just give him a chance to decide on what he wants. And I think you're in a rush to get him back, that's a mistake I've done aswell. When you rush things you do things that you probably would never do and your ex feels uncomfortable with this. You might not feel comfortable with this waiting, but try to think about it like as if you were meeting this person for the first time, and you don't love him, but are friends, it can take for as long as forever, but eventually you'll get there. I think that alot of people are very demanding, and when you place demands on people they feel pressured and uncomfortable. Change comes from within, and not something that you make your mind up to change. This was a common mistake I did, and I felt that everytime I said that I would change and I truthfully wanted to, but, it was difficult, although not impossible.

I slit my wrist but it wasn't deep enough to reach my vein. The cut got quite deep that there was a gaping hole and I think I just removed alot of skin and flesh and water would trickle into the slit and pour down the sides. Now I've got a scar for life. How stupid of me. The breakup really hurt me alot, and the words that made me stop inflicting pain on myself was "how am I going to love you when you're dead"? Never really thought about it at that moment. My ex hated me for doing that, and she didn't want to speak to me after that. But recently, we managed to explain to each other what had happened and our feelings at that moment, and to apologise. So I'm feeling much better.

Well.. there's no use blaming it on each other. The best way to solve conflicts is to communicate and tell each other about how you feel. But after reading your posts, it sounds like you won't care. It's up to you what you want to do. Just take what I said lightly. As I said before, people only remember the mistakes and never the accomplishments. It's like if you were the coach of a football team and won many trophies previously, but all of a sudden in one season you do so badly, the fans would only talk about the bad performance and not the illustrious history of your career. I think it's quite hard not to say and do bad things in a situation like your's or mine. It's just we were angry and at the same time sad, and it played with our minds. It's like in the spur of a moment we just blew up. I'm not sure about why she would say she loved you and then withdraw her words. But.. you know, people do things for a reason, so I guess she has her reasons for doing that, and you, I and the rest of the forums won't know the reason. We can just speculate, but I hate doing that, it makes me think about it way too much, and give me wrong conclusion. I hope that whatever you choose to do, it be the right thing.

It seems like as though you blame this incident on her. When my ex first broke up I put the blame totally on her for not being strong enough to wait for me for another few months to come back when I had the strength to wait for 9 months. But now I have to disagree with that thought. After awhile I started to think that it was both our faults. I thought that I did not give my best and got mad about small silly issues. I was pretty young and not mature enough yet, although I was becoming to be (I was 14 when we first met and broke up when I was 16). So I don't believe a break up is based on one person's doing, its based on both sides wrong doings. I only hear her wrong doings, because you are writing your emotions, but I can't hear her emotions. So I don't know the whole story. It would be quite unfair to judge something based on one's opinion. I still feel you actually expected your friendship to be a relationship, but again you must remember you weren't in a relationship. So she didn't expect anything to happen when she stopped talking to you. But you did. And took it too far for her. For your main question... Well... people remember the bad side of things very well. And also because it was the last thing you did, that makes her only remember you as that. She might also think that that was your real character and all along you were faking your personality when you had your good times with her. I did the same persuading and some terrible things when my ex broke up with me, and she remembered me as that, until we had that online chat that she really understood me again and what I did was out of desperation. Because it was something quite horrible and it was probably something that haunted her thoughts and the last things I did, she just remembered and thought of me as that 'bad' person. She didn't even want to acknowledge me, and speaking to her was like speaking to a wall, I felt sad, but it was my stupid actions that caused her to avoid me. If I hadn't done those horrible things, I probably won't be remembered as that horrible person. I explained myself to her, but I'm not sure whether you might want to, you sound in a rage when you talk about her, who wouldn't, but try to use NC to calm down and think over about the things that you've done and try to think of it as her and as an outsider.

LeftBehind... I'm not sure whether you wanted advice or just to conversate about your incident because you have answered your own questions and taken the actions. Also, you must remember, the both of you weren't in a relationship, so you and her shouldn't expect anything out of each other. I think you were really caught in a moment where you couldn't think properly (same as me) and you didn't think slowly through things and understand the situation carefully, instead you took rash decisions. I remember when my ex broke up with me, I couldn't understand why, and I got stressed out and did the first thing that came into my head. It's kind of irreversible from this point. Although, after one and a half years, we started talking on the internet and for some reason we got into a conversation about people changing and I did ask her whether I changed (we hardely talked to each other and hardely met up). She said I was a different person, and bascially the conversation was all about what happened because I never knew what happened, and I also never got the chance to apologise for my actions. So I felt quite relieved to know her feelings which had kept me thinking for ages and kept me suffering. I totally understood the situation, and just hearing it from her made it feel better for me (I guessed what happened but I didn't know if it was true).

Hi, Well I guess I was more committed than her. No I don't have a new gf. I don't understand your question. What difficulties are you referring to? I don't have much to loose. But I feel comfortable here. And the thought of going away again just makes me think back about what has totally changed my life. Thanks for your post, I greatly appreciate it.

Hi, Well about 1 year ago I was studying my college years in the UK, but I decided to come back to my country because my gf broke up with me and I couldn't stand the thought of living so far away, and to help ease the pain I needed to come back to be closer. She admitted to me that she had found a bf while I was in the UK. For a long time I had lost my confidence, strength and belief, even till now I still cannot forget that experience. I restarted my college in my country and currently Im studying in my country where my ex-gf is still here and still with her bf. I have just finished college and Im now on to university. I was very surprised with how well I did for my college given that I didn't try my hardest to achieve it since I was so sad about the break-up. Now I've chosen a double degree which would take me 4 and a half years to complete as opposed to a single degree which would take 3 years. My relatives believe that I have chosen a very good course. This is where it gets complicated. This university has branched out to different countries. One of their branches in where I live, and their main branch is in a foreign country (again). In my country's campus they basically do not do double degrees, but in their main campus they offer such a course. However, I was speaking to one of their course manageers locally, and she was saying it is possible to do the common units locally and depending how I plan my units I can go over to the main campus to finish it, but I must finish it in their main campus, since some units aren't offered locally. Well, I do not wish to go to the main campus since it's in a foreign country, and I fear it. I just do not have the strength to go and do such things again, Im still hurt inside, and I feel very comfortable just being in my country, and because I feel comfortable, I feel confident. My relatives and parents do not know why I ended my studies in the UK, nor do they know about this situation or about my ex-gf. I do not wish for them to know. My relatives believe that I'll be better explosed in the main campus since they already offer the course and there will be no complications, and overall the people are different and the way the lecturers lecture are different to the campus locally. They recommend that I should do maximum 1 year here and then finish the remaining 3 and a half years in the main campus. But infact, I plan to do it the other way round, I plan to do minimum amount of years in the main campus. As I have already said, I just don't feel comfortable leaving this country for a long time. I felt that it was my fault at first to leave my gf when I went to the UK. And now, eventhough she isn't my gf, I still feel very sad about it, and I don't want to repeat my mistake. Im scared for life. It was my intention to go to the UK, and everyone told me not to go, my gf did not tell me her feelings about me going since she did not want to stop my ambitions. She said while I was gone she felt very lonely. So I need advice. Im pressured by my relatives to go overseas. But I know I will not be focused and I just feel settled down here. Thanks for reading my post, and I would be even more grateful for a reply.

puppeteer, I cannot give you any advice, since you and I have met different experiences. But what I can say is that NC to me was not what you wrote. To me NC made me more calm, and approach my situation with more thought, and most important to understand my situation.

sadk, it's all about the confidence. I used to be very scared to call her, because I didn't know what to talk to her about and what she might say and respond to me. But now I don't have such feelings. If you don't have the confidence to do it, just don't, everything seems to mess up that way. I still remember the last time I called her, we chatted on for quite a long time, I guess it went very well. But since then I haven't called her.

JohnnyTable, it's too late, I already called her. But I don't regret calling her. I'm confident in doing it and I know what I was doing, and we didn't even talk long (she was going out for dinner so didn't want to disturb her). I don't mind it, just nice to keep in touch. Didn't wish me, but I'm not worried, didn't want to hear those words and numbers anyway (I'm getting old and I hate getting old). chris_nos, maybe you should try to forget about your past relationship with her. Since you hang out quite often, which is atleast a step closer to forming a relationship. Try to forget what you did together. It might work. I do warn you, I'm no magician.

SuperDave, I respect you sincerely. You've been on this forums for ages helping other people when you need not. Your advice is invaluable even though it's so hard to follow when I was disillusioned. I actually regret my actions, but most of my actions took place before I found this forums. I panic a lot and made a mess of everything. So those people who are reading this forums, the advice could't be said better. Just keep a cool head and things will work out. Even though it hasn't for me but I have trust in faith. tomorrow is my 18th birthday, and I've made my mind to give her a call, cause the next day after that I'm flying off for a long holiday. Or maybe I should wait for her call, if she would actually call me. Thank you SuperDave

Hey guys. It's been quite some time since I've been here. How's it going SuperDave? I didn't know where to post this, but since this was the place where I posted most when I was last here, I guessed I would post here. I think being on this forums made me think much moe about my ex. Just because I kept reading other people's experiences aswell as typing out my own experiences. And now I feel much stonger to be here again. I got a hobby to take my mind off my ex, and also recently I've been quite busy working and studying for my finals (but now its over, so I'm more free). I haven't had the time to call my ex for 1.5 months. I'm feeling much better since those days. But then again I will never forget what happened, and I still do miss having someone by myside and talking to. Its been 1 year and 3 months since the breakup. But now I've opened my mind up to reality and realised that it's almost impossible that she would want me back. But just almost, because nothing is impossible. I don't think it was the NC that helped me, I think it was me being quite busy. I remember the last call I gave her I asked her whether she felt uncomfortable talking to me, and she replied me with a "yes, because I'm not free" (she was clearly with her bf). I've given her what she wanted, and I've claimed all the reasons for the breakup to be my own fault (even though I don't know the exact reason why she broke up with me). I've accepted the fact that she loves her bf very much. My question is, can ex's still be friends, I don't mean in a relationship kind of way, but just mutually? I remember she told me that we still could be friends, but I mucked up that opportunity and made all the same mistakes in the book. How stupid of me. I think I'm going to give her a call and ask her how things are, no harm in that.

Ok... after reading what you guys said. Yeah it's true she just might not want to be my friend for whatever reason she might have. But Im not going to give up just yet without atleast asking her what this reason is. I would atleast like to know this. I find it hard to believe people can love someone and then all of a sudden just hate that person. And maybe if she just doesn't want to talk to me, then i guess you're right. I'll move on.

Lady Bugg, Of course she wouldn't speak to her bf like that. There is a clear line between friends and your partner. I understand that. Would you treat your friend as good as your lover? Of course not. Then theres no difference between both, hence there is no point of calling your boyfriend, your boyfriend. If my ex was still with me she would have done the same to other guys. So what makes me so different? Im not asking her to respect me like a lover, but just as friends. PrincessLindzay, If I could find my future goals and objectives then maybe I would be slightly happy. But even still. I do keep myself occupied a little here and there, play sports, watch abit of tv, college. But it's nothing beter than spending time with someone who can understand you and talk to you when you're lonely, and someone telling you how their day was, and listening to their feelings. Nights, are the hardest to live through. I feel so lonely during those times. lillady898, For me, it's not a matter of she not accepting my loyality, this loyality does not belong to her. It is in myself that I'm humble and loyal. This is not about her, but about me. I don't know what the future has in plan for me. This is very strong in me, and that's why I felt very sad when she broke it off. It was crushing the best of me into crumbs. It hurt my pride. annie24, We dated for 2 years and abit more. I thought I told you why she broke it off and how long ago this was. It was 10 months ago that she broke it off. And I was studying abroad, she felt lonely, and there were friends there for her. And soon she found someone that could be there beside her. I went out last night with one of my old friends from school. He was telling me that I shouldn't bottle things up, and I should ask her whether she feels uncomfortable talking to me. And that alot of misunderstandings happen because of not talking and clearing things up. I don't think any of us would know the reason she is doing this. Only she would know. We can give possibilities but we still wouldn't know if it's correct. I guess you guys are right. I will probably give another 2 weeks or a month of NC. Then her birthday is coming up... Ive got her a present. Just like how I got my other friends from school presents on their brithdays.

I have already figured out through experience that expectations make me feel bad when they don't get want they expected, and hence I don't try hard to be her friend nor to get her back. It's not like I'm longing to hear her voice. I want to talk to someone like her (well maybe that same person before I met her). And I don't want to tell people that all I did for the weekend was watch tv, and do some work. I know getting her back is almost impossible, and if Im ever going to get her back I must first start with being friends. Even if I don't get her back, fair enough, but I would like to be her friend. I think that calling her and not calling her is not going to make me move on. Because at this moment, I have nothing planned in mind, honestly speaking, I don't know what I want. Im just taking on everyday as it comes. Im over the phase that I cry about her and miss her alot and having this strong desire to win her back. I know this is just going to take me further apart from being friends with her. As I was saying, if there was a chance given to me to be back with her, then why not. Why waste a perfect opportunity? But theres no such thing as luck in the world. I don't hurt because she isn't treating me like how she used to. I hurt because she doesn't talk to me with much respect. As I said Im over that. I just want to be on talking terms with her. Can you give me some examples that is really important to myself? As I really can't think of anything that I want. Thanx PrincessLinzay

Well, I posted stuff here before and I feel more connected to this forums than the other ones. If there was a chance given to me to get her back, hell yeah I would take it, you would, anyone would. To be honest, I'm lonely. And I have a small circle of friends. And if you can imagine that, then you can imagine how small my group of close friends are. Personally, I don't like big groups of friends, I enjoy having a small group of close friends. But after school and after me going away, everyone has seem to have forgotten about friendship and all my friends have gone their own ways and have their new friends. But me Im just stuck in a hole, cause I don't have any close friends in college (I can't see anyone of my small group of friends in college being close to me). And if you were going to tell me to get a new gf, I would never do such a thing. I made a promise to her and I will not break it. I will not make her think and feel that my love for her before was fake. That is how loyal Iam. After this breakup Ive become really lost, Ive lost alot of my personality and character. It shows towards my parents, and I rarely respect them now. Ive really taken this breakup really badly. Currently, I don't know what I want to do next; no future plans. Im leaving the future to be decided when the time comes. I don't know where to move to and I don't know what I want.

Ive done my fair bit of NC. Had enough of it. I enjoy talking to her as a friend. And now I would like to be friends. After the breakup she offered to be friends but I couldn't accept such thing at that time (was depressed and couldn't think properly, don't want myself to be reminded of it). But now I really do want to be her friend. I think that by losing a friend I'll be the one losing out in the end. She's a great friend. Not to sure about now. I see your points. Fair enough. She used to text me and call me by that was rare. Now she's totally stopped. Im the one who initiate contact first at the moment. Luckily she responds. I can't see why ex's can be friends? Is there some kind of rule saying that ex's can't be friends? I think thats really absurb. I can understand that she may not want to talk with me for the reason of protecting her bf's interest. I'm really loyal myself, and I don't think I'll ever steal her away from her bf (unfortunately I've never told her this, if she could remember my personality in the past them maybe she would still know). I fully understand that, and hence Ive noted it down on this forums. And maybe she might not know that I just want to have her as a friend, and she might have this feeling that Im still after her. And for that person who asked me why we broke up and how long ago. Well 10 months ago. She broke up with me cause I went for further education abroad and she felt lonely by herself and later she broke up and she had someone there with her to take that lonliness away from her. And I wasn't there for her at the time. So I became paranoid and suicidal (which is probably why she's scared of me and a lot of people hate me because of this and I'm sad that I actually done something like this to myself, and it's totally my fault, so I'm sorry to those people who cared about me but I couldn't help it, because of the pain and the suffering I was going through). And so now Im back in my country and given up studying abroad. Im currently studying in my homeland. Very long story cut short and I don't want to talk about it I'm over that phase. I was thinking of telling her calmly that I talk to her because I just want to be friends, and I'm not talking to her just so that her bf gets jealous, and just so that I'm trying to get back with her. And that I feel we shouldn't stop being friends even though what has happened in the past and I couldn't think properly about what I was doing and it just wasn't me back then. And Im sorry for what I've done in the past. And I know she's got a bf, and I would never do anything to hurt her and her bf. And maybe this might clear the things between us, because we never got the time nor the courage to talk about it before. And it all seems like as if we that part in time never happened when it was monumental. I know she's not my gf, I've accepted that, and that's why I can't say much, or else, she'll be thinking why I'm controlling her. I have no right what so ever. I guess I've sacrifaced alot, my future and my present. I do get this confusion sometimes. Cause the other time I told her that I went out (not date) with her used to be best friend and one of my other friends both from school. And she got angry that I didn't invite her. And there was another time when she was at home, I'm guessing she was bored and lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Cause she started talking to me and asking me all sorts of questions and talking more than me, and there was this point when I was about to say I'm abit busy, but she continued talking about things. That day we must have talked for 20 to 30 minutes until I ended the conversation. I've no idea what hapened that day. Was weird. Thanx for listening

Im kind of stuck in this situation. I call my ex quite regularly at times. Maybe twice a week. Something around there. But most of the time she replies me quite rudely and there is disrespect. But there are some times when she talks to me very nicely. My ex has a bf. Im just getting confused. I talk about things that happened recently and news and some gossip. I noticed that I do call her at wrongs time most of the time. Like shes out somewhere, or shes doing something, or watching tv or something that she is occupied. And most of these times when shes busy shes normally quite rude. I can understand that shes busy and its not the best time to talk, and I do respect that. I know how it feels like when I talk to people on the mobile when Im out doing something, its not very comfortable. But there were a few times (quite rare) that she would actually be interested and sounds like she wants to talk to me more than I want to talk to her. And I do notice it when she is free or bored. My sister says I should ask her why she talks to me with disrespect. I don't really know whether I should actually ask her that question. I feel that she might get angry that I even thought of such a question to ask. And I feel that she might be talking to me like that because she's trying to protect the interest of her bf. Im not sure what the reason is. Most of the time when I do call her at the wrong times, she says shes busy or not free and I have to go. Do you people think I should ask her this question? Thanx

*applause* very good. I believe that true love isn't easy, relationships isn't as easy as it seems. It's not like we can always end in happy endings and love will find its way. Im sure your ex must have been heartbroken themselves to tell you that they didn't want to be in the relationship. It takes 2 people's feelings to feel love, and that's why it's so difficult, because it takes the other person's feelings to love you no matter that your feelings are there for them.

yep, relationships are so complex cause it requires 2 people's feelings and just trying to control your own feelings is a mission.

I believe in point 2 and 5. I believe that my ex many words that brought me down and it was only because I went paranoid and the only way to get me away was to hurt me more. Now I don't believe in her words, rather I believe in her actions. But for me it's difficult to believe actions as I do not see her and only talk to her on the phone infrequently. Currently I try to intepret whether she really means the what she says. But we talk very mutual, nothing to do with relationships. Also I believe that they will never forget about your relationship and they will always be comparing you and their new significant other. We just have to wait until they finally realise their new loved one isn't the same as what she had. But I don't believe in staying with NC. NC at first, but we still have to contact sooner or later to regain that trust again after you have pushed them away. Im sure many people will push their ex away at first, it's only natural, that all of a sudden something so massive happens in that short period of time that it makes you blind to see what you are doing wrong, it makes you desperate to solve something, it makes you frustrated that everything is crumbling, and atlast you destroy your last hope. Think before you do something. Well this is kind of stupid, but I just watched the movie "saw 2" and I was thinking, if they all didn't panic, and sat down and thought about how they were going to solve the situation they would have got out alive. So similarly, if we thought about our situation carefully, we won't make stupid panicy mistakes that push them away. All of us will only learn from experience. Eventhough if they have heard experiences and advice, I don't think any of us will take the advice fully until we experience it ourselves.

HAH! Im feeling so much better already! Ive thought about it from a different perspective. Im thinking why should I care about photos. Before I saw them photos I knew that she was with another guy the only thing which made me sad was because I kind of expected she broke up with him. Im stronger than photos, its not going to hurt me. I know I can still go through this, in my mind im ready and set for anything.

my update again: well from last night i felt quite bad. after my previous post i looked at this new profile thing she made, and it had pictures of her and her bf. and from the description it sounded like she liked her life now. i told myself before this incident that i will not look at any new pictures i.e. friendster(i hate that thing) cause i know it will include her bf and it will hurt me. but it hurt me this time because i thought that she broke up with her bf, but apparently not. i know having expectations is bad, but its very difficult to live a life without having one or two expectations. and i didn't want myself to think that she broke up with her bf but somehow i did because each time i called her she sounded more interested to talk to me and i thought that she realised we had something special that no one else can do the same as i did for her. im not feeling really bad, just kind of disappointed and sad. i know that im strong and im still fighting. and i know that she wouldn't speak to a depressed me, and im going to show her the real me.

ONESXXYLADY i agree with you strongly. i believe that relationships isn't just about "if they love you they'll come to you". i believe you have to give to get the love. you can't just wait and expect to get something. i have to add that one of the annoying sayings i hate most is "every breakup is the same, and yours just adds to the statistics" breakups are never the same. the situations you are left in is never the same. the relationship and the love you had is never the same. the emotions you have after the breakup is never the same. and this is why i dont believe that if one person successfully gets their ex back, you just do exactly what he/she did.

Hey nataliejulie well my ex is online, but i don't think i'm going to IM her. i want it to be aloof. she called me yesterday cause i told her i was near her house and she called me twice. natalie, i think ive found out what ive improved in as a person and what i want to continue doing. i want to be a more understanding person. and i think after this ive kind of accomplished that, and also i want to be a more forgiving person. ive forgiven my ex for dumping me, and forgotten about all the nasty things she's said. thanks.