Rickster

you keep talking about contacting her... makes me feel like contacting my ex. but i think its too late. probably contact her tomorrow. seems like its going good for you. my ex doesn't tell me that she misses me. i guess when we broke up i really ruined my chance. i didn't know about this forum until i got too deep into my mistake. i guess it's going alright for me, we stil talk, but im the one mostly who initiates the conversation.

hey just look at it this way, you've only been away for what 9 weeks. Ive been for 7months, and I still have hope even though she has a bf. Ive done 2 weeks of NC, and now I call her off and on for a friendly personal chat. So it's like Im still opening the communication path. I feel like Ive healed in a way that Im not having crazy thoughts and stuff. So I guess that 2 weeks of NC worked and now I still keep in touch with her.

wow... seems quite true. i mean i think its true. because his poking felt like he was blaming you.

I believe in that quote. Ive said it before on this forums. Not the same exact words but the same meaning. Well, Ive not called her nor met up with her since Monday. I don't plan to call her until friday or saturday, just want to have a small friendly chat nothing more than that. Natalie Julie - have you already successfully gotten back with your ex? Im just interested to know. You sound really quite happy.

well im going on fine. this is how im taking care of myself

selfi - Im not looking for love that comes from jealousy. nataliejulie - Ive heard you inspired some people already. I think very pesimistic nowadays. I believe it's the best for me, if I don't expect it and it happens I'll be very happy, so I like to look at it that way. From what everyone has told me including my sister, I don't think I'll call her more than what I'm doing. Once or twice a week and no more, until I get calls from her for a personal chat. "Look for your best interest", what do you mean?

"Make her see that you aren't like some old hound waiting on the porch for her to come home when she's finished having her fun. Have some of your own." This is what I wanted. I know my begging and pleading won't help, and that's not my intentions. There is no true love when you beg someone to love you. I care about her because I love her. Im having my fun, talking to her, becoming closer friends with the friends both of us know from school and having friends in college. I don't feel like I want to have another gf. It's out of respect and my pride for being with her, nor do I want to make her feel jealous. Please don't tell me that she's done it to me, so why don't I do the same to her. This only makes extra arguments and it's not going to make anything better, only worse. Yes, Im happy that we become close friends. I believe that if Im close friends with her, maybe we might get back together. Im happy to be friends, and happy to become a friend. If Im ever going to become her friend I still need to maintain good contact with her. I think you guys are right, Ill just call her just as much as now. Im doing fine. "If she's calling you a bunch about her new boyfriend, I can see her buying you a one-way ticket to Friendsville" Infact I find this very good. If she is talking to me about her current bf, it shows that we are close friends to let me in on her personal things, plus she might be talking about her dislikes. It doesn't make me feel sad when she talks about this, makes me happy to know that Im let into her personal life. But she hasn't talked about him (only once, which I screwed up). It's a very long story how we broke up. It was a 2.5 year relationship and I moved away to further studies. We loved each other to bits, but because of the long distance and the time difference, it was difficult to keep in touch. She told a friend that she understood that we couldn't call each other too much, because it was expensive and that the time difference was really bad. So then 6 months later she broke up because she told me she couldn't stand the long distance. I was left stranded in a different country. Begged, pleaded, made things worst went suicidal all because she told me that she broke up with me and about 2 weeks later she told me that she kind of had a bf. I moved back to the country she was in (I was originally from there). I had a strong feeling that she still loved me even though she broke up with me, she even told me that she still had some feelings for me, but because of what I did, that close boy friend became her bf. Plus, I started questioning why she who was this guy and why she did some weird stuff. So I made it even worst by kind of controlling her. I can more or less tell the story how she got with him. She was scared to let me go. It's difficult to talk to her because we have different friends, in different colleges, she hardely keeps in touch with the school friends we know, we hardely see each other.. so it's like she can't really tell me what her friends did, or what my friends did, because we don't know each other friends. I feel like Ive done my bit of NC already(2 weeks to clear my mind), had enough of it, and now Im showing her what my true character is, the character she once fell in love with. Infact today I just met up with her cause she had my cd, and I needed it, so like she passed it back to me, it was only for like 20 seconds cause she had classes. But she made the effort to give it back when she had classes. She talked to me like she was very happy to talk to me. It was kind of funny. I enjoyed just meeting up even though it was 20 seconds. I know that she was happy, my mind isn't playing with me. I have my mind clear for the past 2 months.

Im at the stage where we are friends. We talk like friends do. We joke and laugh and tell each other what we did. But I don't know whether I should call her more. I dont want her to think that Im trying to get back with her. Nor do I want to make her feel like Im not giving her space. Shes got a new bf for about 7 months already. Although she contacts me about things she needs to ask. Most of the time I call her, but it's for a personal chat. She replies me like shes quite happy to talk to me. She asks me questions and stuff when I call her. I just don't feel like I should because she hasn't given me that signal, by calling me for a personal chat. So Im confused as to whether I should still back off, or whether I should call her more often.

I think you 3 should sit down and discuss this matter. It's no point sitting and talking with her, she doesnt know you. Atleast that way you understand the story better. Plus it's a more matured way of handling this situation. I think your husband is probably feeling guilty, eventhough its not his baby, and that's probably why he's keeping in contact with this girl.

*update* well i called her yesterday... it was so weird cause i kept worrying that ill have lack of things to say to her. but the whole conversation just went so perfect. its like what it used to be like before. maybe its cause i keep worrying. we started talking and laughing about things. told her some personal things and she let me in to her life(like what she did). well i also called cause i had to ask her for my cd back. so like it was a very mutual conversation but its getting better each time. the funny thing was when i started talking to her best friend from school which so happens to be one of my friends too, she said you talk to her alot, dont you? so it made me realise that i think my ex is talking to her about me. either my ex stil cares about me or that shes just interested to know whats going on with me. cause like sometime back i was suicidal and stuff and now im totally different. so i guess its good. its going all good. what about you guys?

Hey, well im having problems on talking to her. i feel like at times i just don't have anything to say to her. its because like we don't see each other, dont do the same things, dont go to the same places, we dont go to the same college, both have new friends. so its like we dont have something common to talk about. and because of this she says she has to go quite quickly. dont get confused that she doesnt want to talk to me, cause she doesnt get me any hints here and there that she wants to go and like she still picks up the phone, and when we have something in common we click and start talking. but these few clicking moments are so rare. our situation is weird cause we used to go to the same school but now we go to different colleges. so i thought of hanging out with our old school friends so that I could talk about them and she would know who im talking about which i do currently for like the past 3 weeks. but its not like everytime i can go out with them. i mean we do talk normally, like laugh, and joke and talk abit of normal things like how friends talk to each other. but its just the im lacking enough topics ot talk to her. I dont want to talk to her about my past especially the bit which made her leave me (other than that Im pretty much ok) because im scared it we will run into our relationship and i dont want to talk about it to her cause i feel she might think that i still love her(even though i do). plus i dont like to ask her questions like what you doing, where you going and how you going with cause like i dont want to feel like i have control over her(which will make her think that why am i controlling her which could signal that i still love her). I dont know what we have in common currently. I dont know what she likes so thereforeeee i cant talk about the topics she is interested in. i have hobbies and interests which are kind of the same as before and before she knew what i was interested in. so i dont know whether to talk to her about what im interested in cause she already knows it. plus there are a few things here and there that i can tell her, but i dont think she will be interested in it. like some time back i used to write notes on what i was going to tell her, because the anxiety made me forget what i had to say to her, plus on top of that it was like brainstorming what i could possibly tell her that she might me interested in. but now i just rely on myself. but i still have lack of things to say. i mean like i can make friends, i have made friends before, but it's because of this awkward situation it's like making it hard to make friends. i can understand why she doesnt have anything to say to me, unless we have one of those clicking moments. i mean most of the time i dont have anything to say to her. so thats why i can understand. but the difference is im really thinking about what im going to say or what might interests her and shes not. i mean she currently has a new bf. but i feel that if i can talk to her and stuff she can be friends with me and you never know what can happen from there. she does like contact me when she wants to ask some questions but not for like a personal chat. i normally contact her for mostly a chat and to ask some questions. Any words of advice? Thanks

Well I don't think I bore her. It's just that when we(more like I most of the time) have nothing to say then she says she has to go. Maybe I should say I have to go first. Makes it more natural that I call her for a reason, and not to make her think Im just on the phone to hear her voice. She doesn't like try to get me off the phone like giving me hints that she wants to leave. But whenever she is busy I won't disturb her. It's more like she says she has to go because I have nothing to say to her and she doesn't have anything to say to me. I can kind of understand why she doesn't have anything to say to me, cause most of the time I don't, cause we don't have something that is in common (see the things each other sees). But the difference is that I really think about what to say to her before and think of any possible things to tell her, so Im trying but shes not trying to think of things to talk to me. Hopefully you got me. Im still reflecting on what you said. Trying to make it relevant in my case. Once more, thanks

Beec, wow your ideas are so good, Ill be thinking about them alot and put it in my conversations. Nah I talk to her once or twice a week. Also because I don't get enough convincing calls/contact from her that she does want to speak to me like a friend. I get some calls and texts from her concerning things she wants to know about, not like personal talk and chat. So I don't have a good indication whether I should call her more. "But, you should be the one ending the conversations not seeking to always draw them out." I didn't get what you meant here. But I do like your 3 other points. Totally agree with them. Especially the second one about how many different things I can think of something, one which Ill be thinking about. Maybe I just have to keep telling myself that Im an interesting person. Well currently, I try not to ask too personal questions. I don't want her to feel that Im trying to get too close too fast and make that awkward feeling that I still want her back. thereforeeee sometimes its like difficult for me to find out what interests her now. I mean when I was with her I know what interested her, but now with her new bf and her new lifestyle, shes like doing different things so Im not quite sure what actually interests her. And like my interests and hobbies I like to do now is kind of almost what I like to do when I was with her. If I did change, then it's something Im not noticing or its something thats almost the same as before. Although sometimes I do talk about what I did, which is kind of(as I keep talking to her more) getting beter and better. Sometimes I feel that what I did or do, might not interest her so I don't tell her. I don't know whether this is the right thing Im doing. Thank You Beec for the advice.

Ok the situation is really weird. Im still in love with my ex gf and like on and off I do call her and talk to her as friends, like topics about the friends we know what they did and just what friends would talk about. But Im finding it so difficult to talk about more things. I just don't know why. We don't go out together, we don't go to the same college, I hardely see her, and we can't talk about personal things (because we aren't close friends yet), I can't talk anything to do with my relationship with her and things in the past involving me and her. So I feel that if I don't get to spen time together theres not much I can say because we both don't see the same things to be able to know what both of us are talking about. For example, if she were to tell me about a new friend of hers, I wouldn't understand it because I don't know this person, so that's why she doesn't talk to me about her friends. I do not to ask questions like where she is going, who she is going with, and I only ask sometimes (rarely) what she is doing, because I don't want her to feel that Im still in love with her. I want to talk as friends to her. Im trying to find what she is interested in at the moment. But it's quite vague, cause her new bf like this computer game which is quite popular and sometimes I talk about it, but I hardely play this game. On top of that, she doesn't tell me much personal things. Although she does ask a few questions here and there, and still replies me, and goes into depth into a few things (rarely). But then after that Im exhausted of what to talk about. And sometimes I have to write down all the things I can think of to say to her that might be interesting to her. Its not that Im bad at being friends, Ive had friends and have friends and make friends, I can come out with things to say because we see the same things. And even as me and my ex just met, both of us had plenty to say because we both went to the same school together.I try to spend time with my old friends from school so that I have things to tell my ex about because both of us know who we are talking about. I mean I joke around and talk really happily and stuff and sound enthusiastic, but it's like after awhile I have lack of things to say. And then I have to quickly say "oh ya" just to stall the conversation and quickly think of something to say or just say goodbye. The last conversation I had with her was for about 10 minutes, and that's because I went out with my school friends, and like I added a few more things like that computer game and other small things. I mean she sounded very happy to be talking to me, like how we used to talk when we were both together. But before this conversation my conversation only lasted like 3 to 5 minutes. I need to talk to her more, so that she can trust me and open up to me. I do talk about where I spend my time after college, and a few personal questions like whether I have friends and stuff. Any suggestions?

Well, about some time ago, my ex never bothered to contact me. She wouldn't want to meet up, nor would she like to talk on the phone(always giving excuses to get off). She even made me think that she smoked by smoking infront of me(when we we were together both of us said we hate people who smoke and neither of us will smoke) so I was pretty devasted that she did that. But I found out from friends after I was over being suicidal that she doesn;t really smoke and she only did that to push me away. But like just about 1 and a half months ago I started to do things differently. No more bugging, no more pestering, no more asking to go out and meet up, no more calls, no more talking about our relationship, no more talking about her new relationship. I did NC for 2 weeks. And for the past 1 and a half months Ive been calling her off and on very friendly. Until a few weeks ago she calledme about something to do with computers and I asked her whether she would like to go out with some old friend both of us knew. I started getting closer to our friends that we knew, and finally she really saw me that I changed. That I was the loveable, sweet, cheerful, joking, happy chappy I once was. After that time she has texted me 3 times out of the blue. And before that time she called me a few times and text me too. Currently, we are atleast friends, where I call her to ask about things, and joke about, and talk about friends. I can't say close friends. We don't talk about personal things. Progress is there, but its slow, like in any friendship. Im just scared to call her too often, and make her think that Im still not over her. She hasn't like called me frequently, so theres no good indication that I should call her more often. Although she did call about some stuff and like sms me about some stuff. Its such a long story. I can say we are better off. Just very slow. Nothing more than friends. And not close ones though.

Beec that's exactly what I was writing in my thread the last time. I didn't know it was mixed signals. Basically mixed signals is like being true friends and not ex lovers trying to get back with their ex's. If you were a true friend you would be basically doing mixed signals without you knowing it. I believe that mixed signals show her that you are over the break up. And that you are perfectly what you used to be before. She'll start to gain the trust in you again. And that you just want to be her friend again. One more example could be calling her off and on. It shows yes you want to be friends, but it doesnt show that kind of interest that you still want to be back together. Its like basically not doing everything too much.

Maybe my words that I say here is very strong. Its very difficult to express a feeling. A feeling cannot be described in a 1000 words. If she is laughing, if she is contacting me, why is it a problem? I can tell you see never used to call me or text me. And out of the blue she text me. I don't know how to explain what Im doing. It's like yes, I call her, but I don;t show it. I hide it very well because I know what Im doing. I don't know how to explain it. I can interpret when she says something, what she likes and what she doesn;t. Its very confusing. I have had no contact. And Im fed up with it. Just because everyone is doing it means it's right? If everyone jumped of the cliff, do I jump of the cliff? No contact isn't going to get you anywhere, Im sure you admit it. If you contact her with a reason to contact her and you are different, she will most likely accept you as a friend. Im not rushing things. How am I rushing things when I call her like 2 or 3 times a week? As I said, you have to give to get. It might be that if I don't start no one will start. I have given her space. Ive not talked to her about this. Ive given 2 weeks of NC. And I don't call her all the time and for long periods.

You OCD you are lucky that she wants to meet up with you. My ex hardly wants to. But she does occasionally for like a short while and then she leaves. And I have to go with other friends. But at the moment Im fine with it, because shes still at the stage where she doesnt trust me fully. Im still like continuing to call for for like short periods every now and then and shes fine with it. We contact each other quite abit.

lgirl, I used the strategy at first to help stop me thinking about her so much, to help me stop destroying my communication with her, to help me stop calling her every second, to help me become the person I was when she loved me. I have even read in the other threads that people suggested using mixed signals, and that's what Im doing, exactly the same thing. I find it's an achievement to me. No one can see it as a achievement, because Im in my own situation and no one else is in my situation. Yes you can say that you are going true the same situation as me(the breakup) but with exactly the same feelings, the same emotions, the same person, the same past we had, the same happiness? Obviously not. No one can see this as an achievement except me. It is an achievement that we are friends. How many people can still be strong enough to still talk with their ex as friends. I find it an impressive achievement to me. And it's because of what you so call 'strategy' that Ive implied, to make me think the way I think. Yes she loved me, but there was one thing missing, me! She hesistated to break up with me, but after all my forcing and pushing, she finally did. People can make the silliest mistakes. Not everyone is perfect. And probably one of her mistakes was to break it off with me. You and I will not know whether it was a mistake. There are things you tell friends and things you don't tell friends. Do you tell everything and anything to your friends? Im not talking about gf or bf, Im talking about normal friends. There is some things I reserve for myself, that things that might hurt someone's feelings that I don't tell. Im glad Ive done this. Our contact with each other has increased. lgirl, since you talk so much about NC. Then tell me what better way can I be friends with her? If I NC her there will be possibly no way to be friends with her, without a doubt. How can you be friends when you do not even communicate. Thanx for giving me support in your last 2 sentences

I believe in Beec. But you have to be strong to encounter the unexpected reply you might get from your ex.

Well, maybe she was expecting you to open up. Maybe she is shy. Maybe she is scared to open up to you because of what she did. Sometimes you have to give to get. If you don't start no one will. But do not instantly tell her your feelings. You don't really know for certain what she wants yet. Act as if you have no issues with what happened.

L8riser - sometimes you have to give to get. if you don't start no one will. let me relate this to a group of shy individuals. if everyone was shy to start the conversation, there won't be any conversation. but when someone starts off the conversation everything will flow on. likewise to what you said in your first paragraph. how about those people who actually got back together? have you seen the getting back together forums? there are a few of them who got back their ex's? anyone can do it, its a matter of how you think about it. break ups are without a shadow of doubt, just another number to add to the stats. but the situation, the feelings you had left, the emotions, is a different question. i was left feeling down and out. i could tell that she still loved me the very second she told me that she wanted a break up. My friend told me she cried about it. i had done nothing wrong, but be in a different country. so now that im in the same country as her, what is hindering that love anymore? im feeling better. better and better each day. if she is calling me and texting me, what harm is that creating. we aren't talking about the past, we talk about the present. ok the big question you ask me. why won't i tell her that i trully love her. first of all, im a true friend, not a close friend yet. theres a difference. second of all, if im a true friend, why would i want to hurt her feelings, i don't want to remind her of our break up now, especially when we are talking so much better. true friends do not hurt friend's feelings.

I thin kyour wrong OCD.She might just be giving you the reason that she wants to check up on you, for whatever reasons she may have. But maybe deep down inside she still loves you and cares for you thats why shes calling. Otherwise, just think about it, would she waste her money and time to call you? There is obviously some concern for you. Sounds like you want too much. Be happy for what you have. If you wanted her back you'll be happy to receive any call she makes. Unless that's not your intention, but then I wouldn't know what you would be doing asking about this then.

bianc - I told you... Are you still in a stage that you are stil crazy for her and that you call her everyday, so that you think she would not forget about you, and begging and pestering her, and worrying about what she might be doing? If you are you have to NC. If you really want to be her friend then you will need some contact with her later on. Sorry Im tired

Yeah good questions, can't answer them myself so I was just reading on. Any suggestions?