Starlight925

Your PC with 15 years of your own recordings is missing and you want to feel better by reading tales of other missing items? A lost favorite electric toothbrush story will make you feel better? Have you contacted the police? This PC is not “missing” for 6 weeks. It was likely “unmistakenly” moved off to the side. I’d be tearing my partner’s head off, if you want my story.

She started a thread that has grown to 40+ pages. Looks like she is looking for feedback, so I'll continue to give mine, thank you.

Was last night the first time he'd seen your house? Been inside? I ask that, because, I'm sorry to throw water here, but.... He went from being wishy-washy, ho-hum, to a hangout at your place, which has suddenly turned exclusive. After he told you that he's not financially stable and that his apartment is not great. And you've told us that you've been moved in with before, where you ended up feeling like a stranger in your own home. Something feels a bit on repeat here.....

OK look, I'm not going to continue to beat you up over this. You have clearly taken responsibility and learned from this. Next move: Block every contact you have from him. Never respond to him, ever. Even if he divorces her and shows up outside your house with a boom box and flowers. Ever. Get some therapy to help figure out why it is that you thought the best you could do was 1/2 of a relationship that you truly deserve.

You've had 5 people here tell you no, don't tell her. Yet you still are trying to give us reasons you want to. You're dying to tell her. Go ahead, tell her. (not).

Official started having sex with a man who violated his marriage vows. Official started a year-long pattern of lies. Official started talking about helping him break a trust with a woman to whom he pledged his life. Shall I go on?

No, do not tell her. How does that serve you? How does it serve her? You get to assuage your guilt, you get to take revenge on him for being such a jerk, you get a momentary lift. She gets a lifetime of knowing that you were the one who made her aware her marriage is a farce. She will cry, she will yell, her world will be turned upside down. And in her mind, it will be from you. All you can do is take this lesson: never ever ever date another woman's husband. Ever. He will reveal himself to her over time. The truth always comes out.

You already have the perfect answers! Sending a text today, plus visiting, bringing food, offering to watch the kids, is all perfect. Don't expect much of a reply from her, as she will be inundated from messages and is likely in a blur. That's ok, she'll reflect on it all in the coming weeks and months, and she'll know you were there for her. About 6 months ago, my cousin's husband died suddenly. I sent a text, then drove 4+ hours to the funeral, stayed for a few days, reminisced our youth with her, hung out, hugged. 2 months ago, she too, passed away suddenly. I am so so so at peace with having been there with her at that time. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.

None of this. Zero. No ultimatum. In fact, nothing of anything. If she chooses to leave him (she won't), then give her about a year to figure out her life, how to become financially independent, raise her kids, etc. Then, you could make a move on her. But to carry on with all this, this....mess? Why do you want it? Because you're soooooo in looooove. Ugh. I have a friend going through similar. This friend is....wait for it.....close to 70. Yes, a 70 year-old is going through similar. What a waste. And I've watched it, with my popcorn, for 2+ years. My friend's "loooooove" ain't moved an inch in 2+ years. And neither will yours. What a waste of time this all is. Move. On.

If I'm hearing you right: You frequently offer advice and opinions. Sometimes, you two disagree. Sometimes, it leads to a total lack of communication, a shut-down. And always (until now), you are the one picking up the phone to resolve. Do I have that right? And now, since you haven't initiated the make-up, you two are still not talking, because he hasn't initiated anything, so you're waiting to see if he does? If once, just once, he can be the one to initiate communication after a disagreement? If I have that right: You are trying to change a lifelong pattern by waiting on one phone call. You two have interacted this way your entire lives, since childhood. And now, by waiting by the phone, you are trying to change the trajectory, but he's not getting it. These communication patterns, either siblings, or spouses, friends, etc., become ingrained, and the pathways we take to resolve them are set like rivers, in that they always take the same path. The water flows where it's always flowed. In this particular case, pick up the phone, resolve this. And have a heart-to-heart with your brother over your general communication styles, not this particular incident. Resolve this thing, whatever it is (a disagreement about management of a cat?). And once that's resolved, resolve the big thing. The thing that causes you two to fall apart like clockwork every time there's a disagreement. If I were to give an opinion here, it sounds like you offer opinions where they weren't asked for. Sometimes, he agrees, sometimes, he doesn't. How about just listening, offering support, and keeping your opinions to yourself unless asked? My mother (passed away) was the most opinionated, stubborn woman on the PLANET. But she always stayed out of the drama between siblings and their spouses, even the most horrendous door-slamming incidents. I asked my mom, after one such incident where I had offered an opinion to a sibling that was not well received, which led to an enormous fight, how she always seemed to stay out of these situations, always seemed to stay neutral. She said something I'll never forget, and I utilize to this day: "When someone asks for my opinion, I give it. Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut". That advice has served me very well. I have a friend right now doing something I have such a strong opinion of, but I keep my mouth shut, as she's an adult, it's her life, and she hasn't asked my opinion. I get to keep my opinions in my own head, and I also get to keep the friendship. LOL, unless she asks....boy, then I'll give it.

How does someone sexually molest someone while they sleep? Was she passed out? Why didn’t she stop it? This is all very suspicious to me. She has a deep insecurity that manifests in her inability to stay loyal to just one man. So she couches it under the cover of “we’re just friends”. This is not a healthy relationship, and my suggestion would be to move on.

This was wrong all the way around. They were wrong too sneak behind your back and do something you specifically told them not to, with one of your own possessions. And you were wrong to overreact. I'm glad you apologized. And I'm sorry they took your computer. That was so wrong of them. As you've said, even with quadruple authentications, lol, any hacker can get in. Plus, it's simply a very personal possession. I'd be furious.

You need to separate your feelings for your boyfriend with your newfound feelings of this other guy. This new guy is like that shiny thing you see at the store, that you really want to buy, once you can afford it. Once you get it, wear it for a while, it'll end up in the closet with everything else. He's new and shiny right now. Your 9-year long boyfriend, however, is another matter. If, after 9 years, he's not sure he wants to marry you, my advice is to move on. Regardless of whether this new guy is in the picture or not. You are probably afraid to jump off the diving board, not sure if New Guy will be there to catch you. There might be a time in which you'll be alone, single, and yes, go through a loneliness phase. That's all better than spending 9 more years with someone who, not only doesn't want to marry you, but you're unsure you even love. You'll be 38. I know this sounds harsh, and I know it's scary, but trust me, it's so much better than spending your life in a ho-hum existence with someone who isn't even sure he wants to build a life with you.

Two things can be true at the same time: Your daughter should not have revealed that info, AND you were too harsh. I’d just sit down with her over a nice cup of coffee and let her know that there was indeed a line crossed, but also, apologize for your outburst. My parents started a business when I was 18, which I had to work at. It was a retail business. I didn’t mind at all; I liked it. Their deal with me was that I worked whenever I was home from college, even just a weekend, and they’d cover my entire schooling. It was a great deal. Something instinctive in me knew not to share anything about the business, but my parents kept the financials from us, hiring a bookkeeper who stayed in the office. I suggest you do something similar: not necessarily hiring someone, but keeping the finances to yourself. I know you want to share, but 12 & 18 are just too young to fully understand the impact. Best of luck to your business. People thought my father was nuts for leaving a good career, but it turned out really well, and I have fond memories of working with him.

While I'm sorry you're feeling like you'll "never" find a girlfriend, I'm most concerned about the bolded.

Since this is a first date and you want to make the best impression, I'd advise that you cancel and simply say you're not feeling well. No need to explain things further, as this is a first date. The most important part here is to reschedule while you're cancelling. And to call to cancel, not text. Call her and say you're under the weather today, and can we please reschedule? How's next Tuesday? etc. Any reasonable person will not only understand, but will appreciate it. Are you seeing a doctor for your insomnia?

Agreed, that these first meets are not "dates". They are "meets". If you've ever sold something locally to an individual (via FB Marketplace or the like), you'll follow the same rules: public place, your own car, and park close to the entrance of the place you're meeting so you can get back inside if necessary. Even if you completely hit it off, don't let anyone walk you to your car until you get to know them better. You may go on 20, 50, even 100 meets to find someone you really click with. That's ok, that's what this is all about. This guy with zero personality, who then tried to suck your face off, is just one of those 100. Next.

There's nothing "confusing" about it. He's using you, and you're letting him. Stop.

Yikes. Yikes. My sister is similar. Can't leave 3 seconds in between breaths before she yammers on, blathering about some mundane thing. I know I wouldn't be able to take 9 days. One night is enough. In fact, years ago, I started staying at a hotel when I'd visit her, as I don't need to hear what happened with her toothpaste that morning, or how this towel needs to be washed, etc. When she calls me, I LITERALLY lay the phone down, on speaker, and move throughout my house doing chores. She's never noticed I'm not talking. Can your sister stay at a hotel for part of her visit? I've tried interrupting my sister, it doesn't work. Just this week, I had lunch with a friend who does this. Ended up being 3 hours, because she just. would. not. shut. up. On a business trip years ago, I roomed with a work friend years ago who started blathering the moment her eyes opened. Mine weren't even open yet. I declined to room with her after that. All I can say is, I empathize, and I've had to minimize my time with these blatherers. A couple of choices: Ask her to stay at a hotel for at least part of the visit, or let her know that unfortunately, 9 days is too much out of your schedule, so can she please cut the trip? Or ask your other sister to take her, thin walls & all, for part of it.

Look up "Love Bombing". https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/#:~:text=Love bombing is a form,Excessive flattery and praise. Love Bombers are often people with addictive personalities, who "love bomb" so that they can feel the hot heat of their target, only to move on quickly once they realize the target is "theirs". The thrill is no longer there, so they must feed their addiction, through another target. Once he shared his truth with you, and you accepted, he was like....um ok, she's cool with all this, she's not going to run. So I am. Because the thrill, for him, is gone, unfortunately. She is just his flavor of the day. If you both go to the same sauna, you will see him with others in the future. In fact, If I had to guess, he's bringing this girl just so that you will, by chance, run into him, because the jealousy he's sure you'll feel also feeds him. I'd venture to guess that you'll see him with girls of other ethnicities, other hair colors, etc., as, to him, it's not interesting if it's not different from the last. I'm so sorry you experienced this. Such a disappointment, to feel like you finally found someone who gets you, who opens up to you, with whom you feel such chemistry, only to.....boom....be done with you. I'm not saying he's a Narcissist, but here's a pattern: Idealize, Devalue, Replace, Discard. I don't know about the Devalue stage, i.e., I'm not sure if he devalued you (although he may have, to her), but all the other 3 are right on target. He "has" to do this, to feel his own worth. Head held high, my dear. Something about the way you write, tells me that you are a beautiful woman, with a heart of gold. Hold out for the right man, and don't promise to change your life for anyone, as you are just great as is.

Have you read ONE THING that has been carefully posted to you? Or are you simply ignoring all advice, just to write a whole new post with all new details of all new incidents with your mom? You are exhausting. I'm sorry. Please, read this entire thread. You've been given some terrific advice. Print it out if you have to. But for the love of Pete, stop writing these long diatribes with every single new sin your mother commits. We get it. She's awful. Place boundaries. Done.

Why would you want anyone's criticism? Her criticism shows her weakness. It shows where she needs to feel superior, to feel control. And guess what....it works. She has total control over you. Others have said it, so I'll repeat it: You are in a codependent pattern, and you need to significantly reduce contact. Cut your contact in half. If you talk every day, move to every other day. Simply be "busy". Eventually, once a week, once a month. Move this controlling, critical creature to the far edge of your life, or you will be posting here in 10 years, asking the same questions, questioning your worth. Ask me how I know this.

You asked if anyone had been in a similar situation. The only time that happened to me was when he was having an affair. There could be a million reasons for this, and you could get all kinds of feedback, but the only thing that matters is, how do you feel about this? Obviously you no likey, lol. I get that. How long has it been? A week, several weeks, months, years? At some point, you will have to make a decision, as you are not expected to make a formal lifetime commitment in this scenario.

Friendship endings can be just as hard, sometimes harder, than relationship endings. With relationships, we often know there's a "sell" date, whereas with friendships, we want them to last forever. When they end, we not only mourn the existing friendship, but we mourn the future friendship, as you said, the thought that you'd grow old and raise your children together. This is the stuff of movies and TV sitcoms. Bea Arthur, of "Golden Girls", said that 4 senior women living together makes for a great TV show, but would never work in real life. We all want to be part of that community, that cul-de-sac neighborhood that we see on TV, where BFF's stroll their kids together, discuss marital issues, enjoy lunch, yoga, and family vacations. In reality, much of what happens is what's happened in your case: one person's unhappiness in her life turns against you, and you become an unwilling target of personal attacks that are not only unfounded, but in your case, it ended up as physical violence. I'm sorry you're going through this disappointment. I had dinner just last night with a friend, where we discussed a friendship I ended over a year ago, and honestly, it still hurts. Started off as "BFF's", ended with her saying things about me that simply were not true, plus little hurtful jabby comments. Over a year later, and it still hurts if someone posts a party picture & she's in it. So I do get where you're coming from, and all I can say is, keep going, find your nice friends, and eventually, this one will be in your rearview mirror.

Good for you, for writing this letter, for spitting on the grave of the man who abused you, and for having the healing power within yourself to not only not repeat a pattern with your current relationship, but to have cemented something with someone who sounds like a wonderful person. A person who stood by you, literally with his hands on your shoulders, while you rid yourself of this negative energy. And yes, I think the fact that you did it in the middle of the night, and it happened to be at 3:33 am, is symbolic at most, interesting at the least. These letters that therapists have us write are intended to help us release the negative feelings, and we read them in their offices. Then what? Then we talk about how we take our coffee? When I went through a similar situation, I was like....um....how do we fill the rest of the hour? Like, it didn't DO anything for me. Just put a bunch of words on a page to tell the person how horrible I thought they were, and that yes, I was happy that they died. But what then? What we really crave is for them to take ownership and a genuine apology. Movies, TV dramas. Not real life. In real life, they are a bitter pill till the end. So it sounds to me that this symbolic event, plus the seemingly healthy relationship that you are now in, is what's what now for you. In my case, I didn't want to ever grace that person with the time it would take to drive to the cemetery, find a place to park, etc. Like, they took up too much of my time and energy while they were alive. I didn't want to spit as much as I wanted to yell at them, but I didn't want to disturb others. When a loved one, who honestly loved this person, wanted to go but couldn't drive, I took them, but I stayed in the car. That was my symbolic effort: You're not even worthy of me leaving my air conditioned car. We do what we have to, to move on. Sounds like you are doing just that.