SlipperySammy

As usual RayKay your posts are very helpfull, well written, and informative. One clarification is that when we fight there is not really any screaming and yelling, pretty much me talking and her taking every thing in. She has a problem talking about the issue and often just responds with a frustrating tearfull "i am sorry." This leaves me wondering what she is thinking...hopefully this thread will help but yes I agree counselling is a good idea. We were 'talking' today and I mentioned that among otherthings I thought she was sexually consertive and that after or during fixing the pressure issue she needs to find her sexuality, or atleast increase her feelings that sex is normal and healthy. Maybe this isn't possible...maybe after a person has sexual expectations they can't be changed, I don't know. Any way her answer to this is, "This all makes me feel like I am not good enough." I don't know what else to say, I mean after having this issue for lso ong I can't figure out why she can't give me more then that. I mean her not being 'good' enough isn't the issue. We are on the verge of breaking up and I am trying to find a common ground. I don't want to make her feel like she isn't good enough but I feel expecting some compromise and work on her part is normal on my part. She gets so worked up over little things. Lets say for example during foreplay I said somthing particular felt really good, or that I would like a certian thing...(nothing strange lets just say rubbing a certain spot.) She instantly goes into this anxiety mode were she wonders if she is doing a bad job, a bad job in the past, what am I thinking, etc...when in reality I am just thinking it would feel good to have her rub a certain way. In teh end she gets so freaked out she gets turned off. I don't know... counselling probably is the only solution, because I don't know if I am looking at this the right way, and I am probably only making matters worse. I have suggested counselling in the past, and even got out the yellow pages in search of one...but I don't what is a good one, and she said they wouldn't do any thing to help, (she wants to ignore the problem.) I wanted to look at books that could help at the book store and after not finding one under the relationship section she would barely even look under the sex section. She is completyl turned off by any aspect of sex or the word sex. If the 'talk sex with sue' show comes on she is like "sick!" and turns the channel...yes a Grandma talking about sex is gross but I think she is more grossed out by the frank discussion of sex. I am ranting at this point...I have home work to do. Thanks for the hep! PS does any one have a title of a book that might help us?

Hi my girlfriend and I are having some intimacy issues and we hope to find some cheap advice here. Here is a link to threads posted by each of us on the sex forum, but I think our problem might be more appropiate for this board. I hope by creating this thread my girlfriend and I will get some advice that will help promote dialoge between us. I also hope that we will be able to create a dialoge between our selves withing this thread...possibly the written word will increase our communication. Here is a link to threads that we have both created in search of answers. If any one has extra time I would greatly appreciate the help! *note my thread is from Oct 04 so this has been a nagging issue. Jammie's thread: link removed My thread: link removed Overall we are in big trouble. Our sex life is not healthy and we don't know a solution. I think we have a lot of potential, but not unless we can fix this. The longer we go on having problems, and the more fighting we have we just find it harder to come to a solution because of all of the negatives emotions that are currently coming with any thought of sex. I am not sure if I should type the whole thing out or rely on people reading the links...I don't have alot of time now so maybe I'll leave it at this and I'll come back later to fill in any holes...especially if people are not taking the time to read the attatched links. Thanks in advance for any one that is willing to take the time to help!

Our situation is complicated...we went from having little sex only when I iniated but I was turned down 9 outa 10 times... To our current situation...after I explained how bad it made me feel that she never initiated.... she currently iniates more but I get turned down the same or more. I guess our total sex is up a little...from 0-2 times a month to 3-4 times. Big improvement..huh? I think the quality of sex is also better, yet I still feel unsatisfied. I guy doesn't like gettign turned down...and I don't think initiating 5 times in a month is accessive. When she turns me down I feel frustated and helpless. I am 0-5 in 5 weeks. A typical situation will usually entail spending the day together and having a good time...I'll initiate at the end of the night and she is TOTALY not into it at all...this makes me feel so crappy. Last night I was visibly frustrated and I don't want her to feel guilty or guilted into sex...but I couldn't help but be notacibly frustrated. There has to be times that she can not be in the mood....that is only fair, but I am 0-5.

Who initiates sex in your relatiosnhip? What happens if you initiate and your partner turns you down? do you get mad? I am currently 0-5 this month on initiating sex and getting turned down. My girlfriend is 3-0...(she initiated three times this month and we had sex a total of three times this month)

I would guess there is more to the story then he wants to admit... if he cums really quick is he done? He doesn't want to help 'finish' you? When my girlfriend and I have gone a week or more with out sex I don't always last very long either...usually she gets me off first during foreplay then we have sex. I like this because then I can last forever and get her 'there' 1-2 times. I guess what I don't understand about your situation... is if he is board with the sex...why isn't he eagor to try new things?

Ok...some of you might know my girlfriend and I have had some intimicy issues...(lack of intimicy.) We are currently doing better and our communication is better...and our frequency of sex is up from one time ever 2-4 weeks to once a week. We still have some work to do, and I can't help but ask a question here. We still can't seem to fix her occasional pain during intercourse. For what ever reason it hasn't been as bad lately, but last night she had it again. This results in a huge loss of confidence on her part...and really slows down our progress at getting a healthy sex life. She saw her gyno last month and told him the symptoms and he said every thing looked ok, and wrote it off as poor lubrication. She wasn't exactly thrilled about going to the gyno to discuss this, and she excepted his answer...(I think she should have probed more because I think she knew it is more then just poor luberication.) Any way... last she felt extremly 'tight' when I used my finger on her...and she told me it didn't hurt but she was afraid it would if we had sex. I tried to relax her and reassure her...her pain got so bad that she said it hurt even when my toung touched her labia, and clit. Has any one every heard of this? She describes it as a pain...and oversensitivity. I have noticed that this issue is most often assocatied with being very tickilish...lets say we are fooling around and if I touch her in the vagina vacinity she gets very ticklish...I can almost always expect her to 'hurt' if we go any further with the fooling around. Does this make any sense to any one? We have several issues that we are working on...but this one seems to be the toughest and most hindering to all of our problems. Imagine in the middle or peak of forplay just having to immeadatly stop because your partner hurts...Not the best way to end the night for both of us if you know what I mean. And also lowers her confidence for future sex. I am at a loss. I just re-read this and I typed it very poorly...I am in a hurry so will post it any way.. thanks Cya

If he is turning down oral, and looking at porn before you come over I would say there is a problem. As for the one time a week thing...it could be worse...but there is nothing like sexual frustration do to lack of activity.

I didn't read all the replies...but 5 dys is kids quick to judge. You probably have one of two scenerios on your hands. A. She isn't really into sex, and has hangups, and reservation sabout sex and you are in for a lot of frustration B. She is inexperienced and you still have hope of tunring her onto sex. (pressuring her probably isn't the best methode...but I am not sure what the best method is.)

You have to do somthing or it will only get worse. You have to talk to her, and the sooner the better. I don't blaim you for putting it off...especially because she is dramatic. I have gone through a similar issue, and the catch 22 is that bringing up the issue takes the imtamcay out of the sex, and almost makes the problem worse before it makes it better. I wish I had a better solution for you...and my self.

I actually spend alot of time talking to her about non-sexual things...I am not that big of a horn dog.

Hi, I hope in my last response I didn't come off as all sex is to me is 'getting off' I find my girlfriend VERY attractive, and in all honesty don't find any one else sexaully appealing but her. I love her very much and can't even imagine a life with out her...on the same token, I can't imagine a life were I sleep in the same bed as some one who I find so attractive but continue with the intamacy problems...(And don't know why...always second guessing her feelings.) I think that is why I keep posting here because I can't see any answers, and a solution seems so far off. Amethyst seems hung up on 'true love.' maybe I don't know what true love is...maybe this isn't true love...I don't know all I know is I love her VERY VERY mutch in love with her, to the point I can't imagine a life with out her. Again there is a 'but' .... but as this problem continues and she refuses to 'come clean' or 'open up' or atleast try...I begin to resent her. Instead of looking at her and seeing the girl I madly love I tend to think to myself, "there is a girl who has no sexual interest in me." These thoughts then make me feel either depressesed, angery, or frustrated depending on the moments. I think RayKay money analogy was pretty good. I also thought her point about my girl friend never really enjoying sex, and then after I moved in just not trying any more is an interesting possibility. (also very sad.) I am surprised no one has really been on me about that issue yet? A devils advocate would tell me I am not good enough in bed for her to enjoy, or that I am a selfish lover. After all this I can't imagine I am the best lover...if I was wouldn't she actually want sex? Ofcourse these are the questions I am left with. All I can say is I am not a selfish lover. My pleasure and excitement come from pleasuring her. I love giving oral, and love to just take time to make her feel good. I always ask what can I do better, and really want to be the best lover to her possible. I'll be honest I am not bringing my 'A' game after a three week lapse in sexual activity...I am sure that my eagerness and stamina could be better...but what man isn't the same way after a three week lapse? I could focus on pleasuring her for hours (what ever she wants) and be very giving...but I don't think that even sounds good to her...that can't be normal...Is it? ^^^I actually tried this^^^ I lit candles one night and was very sweet, she opted out of any sexuall acts and wanted a back rub (fair enough, but I figured it might escalate further.) What happened? I gave her a back rub and she told me "See I like this better then messing around," and we went to sleep.

First off thanks for all the awsome responses! I have absolutly no one to talk to about this so it helps big time! I have to go but I'll be back later. Amethyst-- "I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I honestly don't see how going without sex (or having limited sex) for any length of time is going to "destroy" who a person is. " I am not proud of this... but as a man I have a biological demand for sex. I hate reducing sex to that, because I think it is so much more. But as a 22 active and very fit man I have a decent libedo. Isn't asking man to go with out sex alomost equevilent to asking him to ignore other biological functions...ask him to breath less air a month, or go to the bathroom less. I don't think I am asking for alot, I am not into any thing kinky, just sex 1-2 times a week and some initiation would satisfy me...but she needs to want to and find enjoyment from it also. Any way I'll be back later I am sure this duscussion is getting for more of you I know it is for me. Cya and thanks.

Amethyst: I agree 100%. About a year ago this problem just randomly appeared. I waited because I was scared to say any thing. After 2 weeks I carefully asked her what was up, and why we were having this problem. I have been trying to get her 'open up' ever since then. My biggest question is what is going through her head, and how does she feel about sex? you wrote, "If you truly care about her, then take a few minutes to actually *communicate* with her about the issues that are bothering her and try to get to the root of the problem. Pressuring her will only foster more pain and resentment." The last three weeks I have used these words with her about every other day, "we need to work on our communication, I feel like we have trouble connecting." I am all up for communication...I try and try and try, when ever I bring the issue up she getrs VERY distrought and nothing ever comes of it but her crying and the sex issues just culminates with more pressure on her. At this point you are probably thinking I am to harsh. The first 6 months I was VERY suttle and sensitive... and she was still reacting like this. Recently I have gotton more blunt but I am just grabbing at straws. When I was referring to pressure I really meant just initaiting physical contact like kissing and gentle touching. (It wont escalate because she wont reciprocate.) I hear what you are saying, and I would kill for communication, I am left with the overwhelming feeling she is keeping somthing from me, but who knows.

She doesn't touch me...so I can't wait for her to initiate. imagine living in a relationship were you find your partner very attractive and you love them very much, and they are very good to you in some ways like...making you breakfest sometimes or getting up early to start your car, or doing your laundry. They also swear thier love to you, and are very sweet and carring. BUT you don't get to have sexaul contact with them. Maybe back rubs or back scratches but NEVER sexual contact. They act like every thing is ok and great. They are being VERY nice to you but you start to get frustrated and they can not understand why even when you spell it out to them for months. For you couples out there just imagine your partner NEVER touching you sexually. No matter what.

If I don't initiate...(pressure) we will not have sex, foreplay or even make out. When I mean never I mean NEVER. I tried it one time to see what would happen and we made 5 weeks with no sexual contact, then I exploded out of sexual frustration. I can count on one hand the times she has initated with me, and they have all come imiadatly have we have a 'talk' about our sex life, and how it makes me feel so horrible that she wont initiate, but usaully she agrees and tells me she understands and then still doesn't initiate. I don't want to pressure any one...My fantasy is to have sex with the girl I love...and have her want to have sex with me. We have been dating for 2 year, and living together for 10 months.

You guys probably know my gf doesn't want any thing to do with me, her excuse last night was she was to tickilish...I coulnd't touch her any where with out her pulling away gigling saying she was to tickilish. It wasn't like she was just tickilish it was like she was soooo tickilish there was no chance of me touching her any more. Then I roll over and go to sleep and she say, " are you mad?"

I have looked into counseling but she says no. I looked up some couples counslers in the yellow pages but she didn't like that idea. I really appreciate your help and I which I could get her to open and see how big this problem really is. I would be a fool to keep at this if she show no sing of wanting to improve our situation. I have tried very hard to be sensitive and mature about this, but how long do keep trying. This has been a problem for almost 12 months, and I have been tired of this issue for a long time.

Ray Kay, thank you for the very thought out and written response. First off she does see the gyno one time a year, she had her last appointment this past spring. I asked her to bring up our problem with the doctor and I figured that she would. After she got home I asked her what he said and she said that she didn't bring it up. The our problem progressed through out the summer so I insisted that she make an appointment, I finally got her to agree that she would go over Christmas break. But when the time came she actually did call but was satisfied with only telling them that she didn't like the type of pill she was on. The nurse recomended switching them over the phone and she agreed and hung up. I also found out later that she is still on the same pill, they just switched her from the generic brand to the real brand. I am not a doctor but I would be surprised if this did any thing. So basicaly after all these months nothing was accomplished. For those of you that say it could be her pills...I agree but shouldn't she have a consoltation with a physician? I think so! She said to me, "maybe it is my pills...so I'll just stop taking them." I replied, "maybie...but you need to see the doctor." She stopped taking them for a month, but I never really agreed that it was a good idea....she had no change and now she is taking them again. (typing this out and reading this makes me realize how assinine this situation is.) I agree on the maturity issue and that is what I have thought all along. She seems very immature to me, and it is very frustrating. I think some one also asked how often do we have sex, and the answer is 1-3 times a month at most. I don't like oversimplifying the problem by breaking it down to numbers, because I know there is alot more to the issue.

If/When we talk....(We have been through it all before.) And she doesn't open up...then what? Since having frequent converstations about the topic puts 'pressure' on her to have sex with me I have to leave the topic alone. So usually it all builds and finally I am like..."whats going on we need to talk." The last time the topic came up she wouldn't 'open up' and I broke up with her for about 12 hours then we got back together. My problem is I can't even imagine a life with out her. But at the same time I imaige a life of no sex and get so made/frustrated.

She is from out of town so going to her gyno would involve making an apointment to go back home (1hr 30 min) I think the initial emberessment is from her mom inquiring why she needed to shedule a gyno apointment...I can understand this if she was 14-15 or somthing but a 23 year old should be mature enough to go to the doctor.

My girlfriend and I can not seem to fix out intamacy problems. I posted a thread few months ago about what we were going through and it seem we are right back there again. link removed Note: We are both 22 and have lived togethor for 10 months, and dated for 2 years. She has no interest in sex. We are lucky to have sex more then 1-2 times a month and this leaves me climbing the walls in frustration. She will NOT initiate any thing with me ever. Just after christmas I talked to her about how bad it makes me feel and how it makes me feel unwanted when she does not initiate any thing ever! She still hasn't initiated any thing with me. There are so many problems I cant type them all. (Thats a bad sign) I feel like she is extra nice to me in other areas to make up for her lack of sex drive ex.. making me food, getting up earlier to start my car for me, back rubs etc... She is an awsome girl but with out the passion our relation ship is weird, unsatisfying, and even creepy. We used to have awsome sex and now nothing, I feel trapped and lonely. Talking to her only makes the problem worse, and hasn't solved any hting in the last 8 months. One of our many issues: She occasionaly feels a pain during sex that she describes as sharp and over sensitive. The extent of this pain I do not know because she is not very open about it. First off I can not and do not expect her to want to do somthing that hurts her. But I have been encouraging her to go to the doctor for months and she refuses. I finally got her to agree to go to the doctor on Christmas break. She ended up not even going and not wanting to talk about it at all. From my understanding she would have to schedule the appointment through her mom which would embarace her...and then the actual apointment would also be emberassing. This leaves me feeling like she doesn't love me enough to go to the doctor since we have been on the brink of breaking up over this for a few months now. She is almost 23 years old...I feel I want to be involved with some one who is mature enough to go to the doctor when there is a problem. About her pain... not to long ago we were in the beginning of foreplay, and her clit hurt no matter how gentle I touched her. She said it felt good when I used my fingure to penatrate her, but I couldn't go near her clit with out her making a painfull face...This can't be good? I am not a doctor so I don't know why she hurts...but she should go see doctor. I dont know...I am just rambling now...lots of stuff on my mind.

yeah...I don't know how attractive she finds me...ofcourse I feel like very little. I do work out every day, and am very physicaly fit...sometimes she gets mad because I am working out to much and not spending time with her. Isn't that an old joke? somthing about needing to lift weights to relieve sexual frustration..? I don't look at porn, not that I havn't ever but I havn't in years. I fully understand the pressure thing, She feels pressured and that is a big turn off. I understand it, and tried to just give it a rest but we still went for a month and then I had to bring it up again. So I understand the pressure thing, but the thing is even when the pressure is lowered nothing happens. I think our biggest issue right now is the pressure and her performance anxiety. She really had a anxiety disorder in my opinion and should see a doctor. WE have been trying really hard to fix this and I do give her credit for taking some of the emotion out of it, and trying to tackle this more logicaly. We where doing good for a few days, and last night we started messing around but she gets soooo nervouse that she is doing a bad job or somthing.....I can't get her to relax. She promised to make up for it tonight, but how is she going to relax more tonight? There is more presure on her then ever? I told her she needs to see a doctor and if we can't fix this soon we have to see a counseler. I am trying to be mature and patient and sensative as possible...we will see what happens. Thanks for all the replies...and help you guys have been a huge help!!

It is very possible, we looked into it, and she changed kinds...but I think she actually switched to the same kind just a non generic brand. (I don't see that helping.) I think it would be a good idea for her to try a new pill.

Maybe some of you have read my other thread, but I thought I would just post another question out of curiosity. What is a normal amount of sex per week? Or month? How active are normal couples? How active are couples in there early 20's?

Friday we had a big fight...the kind that would either end in us breaking up or staying together. We talked all day and ended up making alot of progress, we felt so much better and closer we ended hugging, kissing...and fooling around...ofcourse we didn't have sex....for whatever reason (We are currently going into our 5th week.) I think I have the situation a little more figured out, but feel no closer to a solution. From what I can tell these are the the following reasons we are struggling and many seem to be fixable but only make another worse. 1) Performance anxiety...she suffors from horrible performance anxiety, so bad that she freezzes up and loses any interest in sex. Like any girl (but she is to the extream) she reads into every thing and always worries about the worse case scenerio. No matter what I do I can not seem to convince her that if she would just relax that every thing would be fine, and that she can't do any thing wrong. Also this just builds on itself because she will start to get nervouse and then get more nervouse because she can tell she is getting nervouse. I keep telling her she is great in bed and is not giving herself enough credit...I am trying to boost her confidence...*note she is really very good in bed when she can relax and we actually do any thing. The first 10 months of our relationship the sex was awsome frequent and overall very good. I don't know what I did to make her have this performance anxiety. 2) She is sexually conservitive. Like alot of girls she has grown up thinking that enjoying sex too much is sl*tty, and that sex should only be in the heat of passion and after a romantic day with her boy friend. Also she seems to have the a fear of only being wanted for sex, so alot of sex is a bad thing 3) Fear of pregnancy...this is a very legitment fear, but we always wair protection and she takes the pill, so we are very safe. 4) Pressure is taking away intamacy...since all of the above problems lower the amount of sex we have I get mad and she feels pressured to fool around just to appease me...I understand why this is a problem, but I have tried just ignoring our lack of intamacy and that can go for literaly months...so what choice do I have? It is a major catch 22. If I get mad about our sex life she feels 'pressured' and can't perform, but if I say nothing and every thing out side the bedroom is fine we still go for weeks with no sex life. 4. On occasion she hurts when we have sex...I have encouraged her to see the doctor but she refuses out of embaressment. I have no clue why she hurts, and only know that she describes it as a sharp pain, pressure, or oversensitivity. I can't blame her for not wanting to do somthing that hurts but it doesn't hurt every time...but another huge problem is that she really has no way of knowing if she will hurt or not until we have sex, so she is very afraid of just having to stop... saying, "sorry it hurts." This only adds to her performance anxiety. NOTE I don't blame her for her feeling about this problem but I can balme her for not mentioning somthing to the doctor 6 months ago when she had an appointment...even after I asked her to. 5. Overall a low libido...probably caused by the above stuff, or just a low libido. I don't know if this problems can be fixed. So many catch 22's. I have been patient and explored every solution I can think of, but we are still having trouble. On Sunday we where having an awsome day...we where just getting off of the Friday fight and where both having a huge post figth closeness and I felt like we were doing very good. We took a shower together and kissed alot...afterwards she mentioned that she wanted to plan a 'fool around' session for that night...(very unlike her but sounded awsome.) Since we were in the process of kissing on the bed I said, "why not get an early start right now." She literly got such bad perfomance anxiety she freezed up. We both recognize it and talk about...I thougth that if I went down on her she would be able to relax and get turned on. So I did.. and she really enjoyed herself, and had an orgasm. Then she just stoped...she was done nothing in return. I didn't get to upset ( I did hint at not stopping but to no avail.) I was not to upset sinceshe mentioned fooling around that night and we went on with our day. We had a awsome day together playing minature golf and going out to eat etc...Bed time comes and what do you think happens? You guessed it nothing. I tried making the first move by kissing her but she seemed not into it. She roled over with her back to me and falls asleep. Not only am I sexually unsatisfied but feel horribly distant and depressed. No solution on the horizon.