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Thread: To all Stay-At-Home Parents here

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Beautiful-Love's Avatar
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    To all Stay-At-Home Parents here

    Hi guys, I'd love to hear some honest feedback from you.

    Especially if you're a new parents or if you've been or had experience with being stay-at-home parent or if your spouse/partner is.


    My boyfriend and I have a cute little 1-year old girl at home. Now because our immediate families aren't very close, we mainly just take care of her. Between me and BF, I make a lot more money than he does, so once she was 3 months go, I went back to work full time. Currently I'm working 9p-7a overnight (easier for me to pump). I usually get up at 7:15p, get ready for work, work 9p-7a, and get home around 8am. Maybe 8:30ish if I had to pick up some groceries on the way home in the morning. I then take care of our daugther until 3pm when my BF takes over for the evening and night when i'm at work. She sleeps throughout the night now. Now since she's been up and walking around, she's becoming more active. I've always felt so drained and tired and occasional I'd take a nap when she naps at 11:30a-1:00ish pm.

    I cook. And I do laundry (once a week, not a problem). But between trying to prep food and cook with watching and taking care of my daughter, I rarely do go to sleep at 3pm, but more towards 4pm. I get about roughly 3 hours of sleep before work. At work, I work in a clinic, so when there's no one to be seen, I am allowed to sleep. Since we're 24 hours there're random people who do walk in at night.

    Sometimes I just feel so frustrated that I'm always so tired. That I have to work full time, and on top of taking care of my daughter half of her waking hours. Straight watching her isn't too much work, but when u have to cook with a toddler who doesn't want to be left alone too long is exhausting.


    We've had discussions multiple times. And I have complained a lot, which to him, gets annoying at times. Understandable. So now he says that he'll take care of her the whole day on days that I work and that I'd have to take care of her the whole day on days that I don't work. I don't know how i feel about it . Coming home at 8am after a 10-hour shift, and watching our baby girl until 9pm with 2 naps in between just seems too much.

    I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I feel that stay-at-home parents do take on the role of watching the kids for more of their waking hours, on top of cooking, etc. Now he does't cook, but sometimes he does cook Hello Fresh. He takes the trash out and clean up around the living room, while I cook, do laundry, groceries.


    I just feel so frustrated and tired. I don't know if this is a fair trade.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He needs to go back to work rather than sitting on his butt all day and night. He's not a "stay at home" dad he's unemployed. You would be better off with childcare since he seems to do nothing. You need to stop cleaning, cooking, shopping for him. Only shop, cook clean, do laundry, etc for you and your child. He needs a job.

  3. #3
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    When I was a "SAHM" for 7 years I rarely stayed in one place or at home. So it was a misnomer lol. No family around, no daycare no sitters (although my husband said I should hire whoever I wanted -I didn't till he was 4 and 5 and then I had a part time mother's helper - my niece- for about 8 weeks). Here's the difference - I didn't see my role as a housekeeper -at least not primarily. My role was childcare so we were out and about exploring most of the day whenever we could -free stuff mostly -parks, story time at the library, museums, playgrounds, errands too. I had a housecleaner come twice a month. I didn't care if the house was particularly neat as long as it was clean for him to explore and child proofed. My husband is not a cleaner, is not neat and that's fine. He works more than full time and he told me to hire someone weekly (I chose twice a month for practical reasons).

    Getting that little sleep is not safe -are you driving like that, with your child in the car especially? Can you hire someone for house cleaning? Also no need to cook in any elaborate way -prepare your baby's food, you also eat nutritious food and have some staples around -steamed veggies, plain pasta, jar sauce, soups, deli meat, a cooked chicken -and let your boyfriend get his own food from that or takeout. Not your job!!

    What did you work out before she was born as far as a schedule and who would be home?

    Also go to sleep ASAP after work - you need your rest -the rest can wait or BF can do it. When I was home full time my hours -when my husband wasn't traveling - were not just when he was at his office but basically I was the one "on call" for our son - since his hours were very intense and he often brought work home.

    I loved being a full time mom -yes it was exhausting and my husband traveled a lot so I solo parented a lot! He started a part time preschool at 3.5. Good luck and I hope I was helpful.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I was a full time stay at home parent for about three years when we moved to our new post . I did all the indoor things .

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'd focus on what both of you can do to make your responsibilities at home more bearable rather than some strange arrangement of you being the parent on these days and him the others. Even this current routine of official shifts seems awkward. Parents do need to unwind, but obviously excluding the time you need to be sleeping, it's not about having a solid, routine 6-hour block of the kid not being your or his responsibility.

    At face value, nothing you've written screams that he's a bum while you do it all. A lot of breadwinners grab groceries on the way home. Enough of them cook. Weekly laundry is about 20 minutes of active effort even under maximum distraction while folding. If there's anything else, sit down with him and tackle which efforts you'd each prefer to take on.

    Some things just off the top of my head based solely on what you've written; he may not cook, or you may prefer to cook, but food prep doesn't require some abundance of culinary aptitude. During the time you're watching and playing with your kid, ask if he can chop an onion, even if at half the speed you could. For your part, if the kid is really that distracting while you cook or you're finding it a great chore in general, I'd look into more inactive recipes rather than anything you've gotta be stationed at the stove top for. Ovens and crock pots are your friend when you've got a lot going on. And that's all if you're above frozen pizza or take-out some evenings.

    You've got several dynamics going on, not a whole lot of which him simply getting a job is going to help, especially if it means putting further responsibility and headache on you while he'd be out of the house. Further complicating things, you're doing shift work, so fair or not, the house is even more so operating on an unconventional schedule. Far be it from me to mansplain your pumping tactics, but if the shift work is at all a choice, how much of a convenience is it really adding? If the kid's a year old, how much longer do you plan on keeping her on breast milk? It sounds like the only person getting any amount of rest is your kid, and there's a lot of unnecessary misery being tacked onto the stress of caring for a young one during a pandemic. And even all that's on top of the multitude of inherent reasons people working overnight tend to end up in an early grave. Whether or not your kid does actually sleep through that night, you're gonna build resentment believing your boyfriend's got his mask on catching up on his beauty sleep the entire time you're slaving away. All the while, yes, catching your own z's aside, you can't really avoid the fact you're indeed the kid's mom when you're home.

    A lot of this is geared toward you simply because you're the one here posting. There's not a whole lot insight on the actual division of labor between the two of you. He's solely responsible for the kid for what sounds like 11 - 12 hours out of the day, which is certainly not merely "unemployed." It stinks that such a pervasively terrible take still exists in 2020, but I digress. During that time and while the child's lack of cognitive capacity is inversely proportionate to her increased mobility, it's all about making sure the kid's fed, changed, and hasn't found a way to accidentally off herself. Everything else is pretty tertiary. Perhaps if you can let us know what your actual complaints to him are and how productive you expect him to be during that time, we could better dissect his end of things.

    However, the bottom line is you feel it's unfair. Resentment never relieves itself, so communication right now is essential. Constant complaints haven't advanced either of your causes. Him suggesting a rotating parenting schedule is essentially him throwing his hands in the air, so it seems there's plenty of frustration to go around. Be realistic about your expectations and your subsequent requests. Again, I'm sure there's more to the story, but "I have to be a parent when I come home from work" isn't a very strong position to assert yourself from. It's not so much about having to watch her or be physically responsible for her as it is making that time more bearable for you.
    Last edited by j.man; 07-21-2020 at 10:55 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you work nights and he got a job days, there's no need for anyone to be 'a stay home parent'. With the extra income, treat yourselves to a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery services and babysitters once in a while.

    That way you both have your need for work, socializing, getting out of the house and having a purpose intact. Lack of money, lack of identity, lack of feeling ok about roles will cause a great deal of interpersonal friction.

    Additionally since you are not married his unemployment is precarious for him with regard to his health insurance, retirement contributions, etc. It's a horrible position for both of you. It would be wiser if you both worked and both did some household chores, errands, and childcare. Act as a team.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I was a SAHM for many years. No baby sitters or family help, the kids were taken care of by me and my husband.

    I think you are basically burned out from your long hours at work and lack of sleep. Your bf needs to pitch in more, do more, be more helpful. Sit down and sort out a chore chart with him as to who does what. You cant keep going on like you are.

    A good idea is a housekeeper, laundry service, food delivery as much as you can afford.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    For what its worth, if he isnt working, he should be doing more.

    Working overnights is brutal. It may be the same hours but it takes a toll in a different way.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. It's crazy that you are doing all the work of a single parent, getting 3 hrs sleep and what is he doing all day/night? Playing video games? Basically you are a single parent supporting two kids. He doesn't need lists or reminders, he just doesn't want to do and sadly you do it all.
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    For what its worth, if he isnt working, he should be doing more.

    Working overnights is brutal. It may be the same hours but it takes a toll in a different way.

  11. #10
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    Jman -I wish weekly laundry only took twenty minutes. I am really efficient/speedy - far far more time and I honestly can't imagine only having to do laundry once a week with a child around. We didn't have enough clothes/linens/towels for that, ever.

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