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Thread: Age gap 20F and 31M.. any advice for sex life and memory gaps?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to date men you have more in common with and have some sort of future with. He' may only with you because he may think a someone's youth was better than viagra, but obviously even that isn't working.

    Most men his age do not have health problems like the ones you are assuming. Just occasional nerves. Is he still using drugs or drinking? Does he have another gf/wife? Maybe he wants another 18 y/o and you are getting to old and it's getting too boring for him after 2 years.
    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    He's starting to experience symptoms of low T. We both met at a rave when I was 18, we've been together for 2 years

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What is it that you two enjoy doing together? Those party years are usually for when one is single or just starting to date, and you're enjoying a lot of group time with friends. When a couple becomes exclusive and matures into a serious union, often those activities wane and you start doing other fun things together during the nesting phase.

    Is it that you want to keep going to raves, but you see the light has gone out for him for that activity? Is it that you feel he has no joy or passion for anything at the moment? What if his ED problems aren't physical, but because of a lack of an emotional connection with you? What is his relationship history? Has he had discussions with you about his vision of what a future for you two entails or not?

    Often what one wants in their late teens can be the total opposite of what they want moving into the next decade. Your brain won't even be fully formed in the decision making section, until you're 25. And the bigger the age gap, the higher the risk of failure when it comes to romance, because as you can see, you're at different stages in life and that presents extra problems that don't exist when you're closer in age to a partner.

    We might have more advice if you answer the questions I've listed. Take care.

  3. #13
    It is extremely solid! We've discussed marriage. He's told his friends and our families about his plans to propose to me in a year or so. Every other aspect of our relationship outside the bedroom is perfect. We communicate so well, have constructive arguing without it becoming a fight, and feel so close to one another..

    He doesn't give off the attitude. I know it is just me and feeling isolated. It's not a constant feeling, but it does come back here and there. I guess I am just sad that I wasn't there with him when he had all these memories. I always worry that our memories aren't as much fun or as exciting, so I have to tell myself to stop comparing what we have now vs what he had then. It's just easier to tell myself that than to do it.

    We have the same end game, and have already began looking into homes/communities. We're traveling with each other's families and our friends are all super supportive of us. I know this is mainly my issue that I have to overcome, but I do find relief knowing another couple has experienced the same. I think it's just some of the hardship that comes with being in an age gap relationship, but no matter what, it is just hard to cope with as a college student. It's not something I could have planned or saw coming, because my circle of friends aren't facing these issues. Just trying to deal with it as it comes. I love him unconditionally, I just have to wrap my head around it all sometimes.

  4. #14
    He did do a love of rave drugs in his lifetime. No steroids, but definitely has done a lot of rave drugs since he got into it about 10 years ago.

    You're right. It's just harder to stay focused on it. I normally do, but I do have moments where I worry and feel overwhelmed and left behind. I suppose it's just a mental state and I need to work on letting it go.

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  6. #15
    Breaking up is not an option, because this is literally the only problem we have in our relationship. Our relationship is so stable and strong. We argue constructively and calmly, we have so much in common, and we make each other so happy. We both feel really lucky in how compatible we are and how well we work as a team. Thus, I wouldn't break up with him over not receiving enough sex. I love him and I wouldn't give up over that..

    I say I can't gain understanding from my peers, and I feel isolated, because they are all 19-20 year olds.. They have no idea what it's like to face a relationship where one partner might be struggling from ED. All of them are having sex like rabbits. They also can't understand the physical and mental differences between a college student and a 31 year old. They simply don't know what to say or what advice to offer, because they have no experience in that. When I confide in them, all they can do is say they're sorry and we will get through it. It's not like I'm at the age where my girlfriends can be like, "Oh yes, so and so's husband deals with that and this is what they did and it was all fine after!.." I don't feel isolated from them, I just can't expect them to relate to my position.

    But you're right. It's in the past and I need to let it go. It is hard though as you said to accept the idea of lost time, but I know as time goes on, it will be less important once we've made our own memories (first born, buying a home, etc).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't think you are as invested in this relationship and him as you think you are if your focus is on what you missed with him rather than what you can build with him now that you are together.

    First find out what's wrong with his plumbing and then decide if he's enough for you as is or do you actually want someone who is immature and still wanting to rave and do drugs.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you are sexually incompatible it will catch up with you. You may be deliriously happy now, but you won't be when he gets worse or when you feel chronically unsatisfied and feel the need to cheat. Your peers are enjoying thier lives having fun and satisfying sexual lives. You are 20 and have the sex life of a 60 y/o.

  9. #18
    Oh man, we do so much. We love to go to the movies, try new restaurants, travel (Cancun, Hawaii, Chicago, Denver, Taiwan next year), go to the beach/pool, go to raves, stay at home & binge watch Stranger things/The office/food documentaries, we love to go to the gym together almost every day, have dinners with other couples, check out new bars, go to rap or indie concerts, food festivals, cultural festivals, check out new art/science museums, etc etc.. We have so many hobbies and interests and activities we love to do. We normally split our alone time and friends time equally. After one weekend of being alone with one another, we normally want to go out the next weekend and be with friends or go do something fun.

    I do want to keep going to raves, but he doesn't care much for it. He's seen and done it all. He's over it, but still does it for me and my enjoyment. I just know over the next few years, we'll stop raving, which I have to accept it.

    I've thought the same thing.. he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What do his doctors say? Is he having an affair or losing interest? The age difference is not that outrageous. A 31 y/o man is not old nor should be having physical problems unless he had undetected health issues.
    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by emonterroza
    Oh man, we do so much. We love to go to the movies, try new restaurants, travel (Cancun, Hawaii, Chicago, Denver, Taiwan next year), go to the beach/pool, go to raves, stay at home & binge watch Stranger things/The office/food documentaries, we love to go to the gym together almost every day, have dinners with other couples, check out new bars, go to rap or indie concerts, food festivals, cultural festivals, check out new art/science museums, etc etc.. We have so many hobbies and interests and activities we love to do. We normally split our alone time and friends time equally. After one weekend of being alone with one another, we normally want to go out the next weekend and be with friends or go do something fun.

    I do want to keep going to raves, but he doesn't care much for it. He's seen and done it all. He's over it, but still does it for me and my enjoyment. I just know over the next few years, we'll stop raving, which I have to accept it.

    I've thought the same thing.. he continuously tells me it's physical, but I guess we'll see. Other aspects of our relationship are just fine, it really is just this only lately.
    Then I'm confused as to the majority of your first post was about lamenting about not being there when he WAS into raving and doing drugs. With all that you do together, you would think that wanting to rave would be the last of your worries or wants.

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