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Thread: My boyfriend's mother drives me insane

  1. #1

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    My boyfriend's mother drives me insane

    I have been living with my boyfriend (31) and his parent's for almost 3 years. I'd say basically the last 18 months she has driven me insane and I have just been putting up with it because I love my boyfriend. It is getting to the point where I hate her so much I've considered breaking up with him out of the fear she will be in my life forever!

    There are so many things she does that I have told other people about who think she sounds horrible. I will list them:

    1. She doesn't respect boundaries: For instance, when we went away for a month to Europe she decided she would change out whole room around. She changed the curtains and bed sheets and she went through all our draws and cupboards to tidy them up. We have private things in our room which she went through. I had hidden lingerie right at the back of my wardrobe in a bag which she took out and put in my normal underwear draw. In our bedside table where we keep lube and where my boyfriend keeps his vaporiser for is weed was also tidied. His draw was chock full of his receipts and various other documents in 3 drawers which she managed to get down to one and she says she didn't throw anything out. She threw out his $600 vaporiser and to this day she denies throwing anything out. When we go away on holidays or short trips she sleeps in our bed. My partners dog sleeps with us on our bed but his dog will sleep anywhere as long as there is a person. She insists she has to sleep in our bed because it's Astro's bed.

    2. She calls my boyfriend her "baby boy" sometimes which makes me feel really uncomfortable. For instance, if I am playfully teasing him she says "stop picking on my baby boy". I told my boyfriend when we were alone that I found it weird and he had no issue with it and said I was jealous.

    3. She will also take digs at me and says she is just joking if I say something back. Examples: I decided I wanted to start drinking water instead of soft drink and reacts in a condescending tone "oh god, you're on a diet again". I reply with "no, I just want to start drinking water because it is better for you". Then she replies with "yeah, yeah, sure". And if I say I am tired she gets ty and says "how can you be tired, you do nothing" or "how can someone of your age be tired".

    4. She is a very negative and toxic person but people outside of the family thinks she is so great and lovely and would do anything for anyone. I have heard her and complain about every person she is nice to and even her friends behind their backs. She will be nice to their faces and she swears by saying "if I have something to say I'll say it to their face". which she never does. She has nothing nice to say ever. It's always a complaint or a or gossiping. She has to know everyone's business. If you tell her in secret she will tell someone else your secret.

    5. She keeps expecting that I will give her grandchildren when I have said I may not want children.

    6. I want to do more travelling and want to live overseas. She said if I want to live overseas I can't marry her son. She was devastated when I took her son away from her for Christmas last year. She went on about it to everyone about how I was taking her baby boy away from her.

    I met up with my my boyfriend's brothers wife recently to discuss if she experienced the same things and boy did I found out a lot. She has experienced the same issues as me and probably worse than mine and now the wife and my boyfriends brother do not see his parent's much because of how painful they are.

    Anyway, there is way, way more I can write but it would take too long. I love my boyfriend and he is a really great guy. We only have issues when I get annoyed about his mum. I want to move out so badly but I can't afford to move out as my job is only casual and I don't make enough to pay rent yet. I know these are all excuses and you're probably thinking if it's that bad I should just move out. It's not bad with my boyfriend it's just his mum. I graduate at the end of this year and I am focusing on saving and moving out once I have graduated and will hopefully have a job which will allow me to afford rent.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Why at 31 are people living with parents? Time to fly the coop. It is not your house.

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    1) I am curious, is your boyfriend from a conservative culture? (East Asian, Indian or something?)

    2) He is 31 years old... I know you said that you are about to graduate, and if you find a job, you can afford rent... but what about him? I know that our generation (I'm same age as your BF) got screwed over with stagnant wages, difficult employment market, rocketing house prices etc... but surely as the man in the relationship, he should have plans of his own to move out from his family home? Especially if his mother is that meddlesome.

    3) How does he feel about your attitude with regards to children?

    4) How does he feel about his mother's... erm... tendency to treat him like a child and meddling in his independence?

    5) Is your BF's father still around? What is he like if he is?

  4. #4

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    Hi MirrorKnight,

    He is Australian. I guess his parents are pretty conservative. His mum grew up in a small rural town and apparently lived a "tough life". She is very racist and ignorant. I once said to her that she is a racist and she was very defensive and said she wasn't.

    He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything. He is like his dad in a way where he doesn't like to part with his money.

    He is on the same page as me when it comes to children. He is a bit of a manchild himself.

    He gets annoyed sometimes about his mum but he blocks most of it out. He does get annoyed with me when will say something to him about his mum and says "what do you want me to do about it?" Then it turns into a fight.

    His dad is still around. His dad is generally pretty good and gives us our privacy and he is quiet. He also finds his wife frustrating sometimes too.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is way too old to live at home and 3 years is way to long for you to live there. You need to move out asap. It sounds more as though she is tolerating this because she loves her son. Have you considered that they rightfully resent you being there for this long? Is he a mama's boy? How long does he intend to mooch off of his parents?
    Originally Posted by JessD123
    I have been living with my boyfriend (31) and his parent's for almost 3 years. I'd say basically the last 18 months she has driven me insane and I have just been putting up with it because I love my boyfriend.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-29-2019 at 08:34 AM.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He is way too old to live at home and 3 years is way to long for you to live there. You need to move out asap. It sounds more as though she is tolerating this because she loves her son. Have you considered that they rightfully resent you being there for this long? Is he a mama's boy? How long does he intend to mooch off of his parents?
    I agree he is just mooching now and needs to go.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by JessD123
    Hi MirrorKnight,

    He is Australian. I guess his parents are pretty conservative. His mum grew up in a small rural town and apparently lived a "tough life". She is very racist and ignorant. I once said to her that she is a racist and she was very defensive and said she wasn't.

    He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything. He is like his dad in a way where he doesn't like to part with his money.

    He is on the same page as me when it comes to children. He is a bit of a manchild himself.

    He gets annoyed sometimes about his mum but he blocks most of it out. He does get annoyed with me when will say something to him about his mum and says "what do you want me to do about it?" Then it turns into a fight.

    His dad is still around. His dad is generally pretty good and gives us our privacy and he is quiet. He also finds his wife frustrating sometimes too.
    Wow!!! Forget about how your bf grew up , where his family grew up etc.

    Where and how did you grow up to have such little disrespect?

    You are living it seems rent free because YOU canít afford rent.
    You get annoyed because she rearranged HER house while YOU went on a holiday to Europe for a month. She essentially paid for that so suck it up princess!!

    If you were paying the rent in order to not live with her , then you would be in debt and couldnít afford your overseas travelling nevermind your electricity bill!

    Go home to your own mum and live free off her.
    Is that even an option?
    Or rent somewhere and ask your mum to pay the rent and bills so you can travel.

  9. #8
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JessD123
    Hi MirrorKnight,

    He is Australian. I guess his parents are pretty conservative. His mum grew up in a small rural town and apparently lived a "tough life". She is very racist and ignorant. I once said to her that she is a racist and she was very defensive and said she wasn't.

    He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything. He is like his dad in a way where he doesn't like to part with his money.

    He is on the same page as me when it comes to children. He is a bit of a manchild himself.

    He gets annoyed sometimes about his mum but he blocks most of it out. He does get annoyed with me when will say something to him about his mum and says "what do you want me to do about it?" Then it turns into a fight.

    His dad is still around. His dad is generally pretty good and gives us our privacy and he is quiet. He also finds his wife frustrating sometimes too.
    1) It was not a good idea to confront her about this, assuming you are not ethnic minority yourself (in which case you were never going to have a good relationship with her). Calling anyone a racist will trigger a defensive response, especially if they really are racist. Whilst it is perhaps noble to confront bigotry where you see it, you are living in her house and you are a generation younger, she is unlikely to respect your "moral high horse" and unlikely to ever change her views.

    2) Your BF is a man-child. It is ridiculous to be living at home at 31 years old if there is no economic necessity. He does not want to fly the nest, he does not want to grow up. I am not sure he will choose you if he is forced to choose between you and his parents based on what you have written. (Where does he stand on the living abroad thing and travelling thing?) I am not saying that you should break up with him, but just be careful... if he wants to mooch off his parents at 31 years old when he could be living independently with his girlfriend (99% of guys would prefer the independence and privacy), what makes you so sure he will want to move once you make enough money to pay rent? Money is clearly not the limiting factor here.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Just remember this is HER house. She doesnít need to keep you at all whatsoever and she didnít need to keep him a day past 18. And if she was smart she would give you guys a month to find your own place and get out.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's amazing she didn't boot you out right there and then. Your bf sounds like a lazy spoiled child. It is truly amazing that this woman puts up with you..
    Originally Posted by JessD123
    I once said to her that she is a racist and she was very defensive and said she wasn't.

    He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything.

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