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Thread: Boyfriend in AA

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Redfox1877
    I donít fear leaving him will set him back, itís that we do actually have a deep love.
    But I feel relieved from the pressure from him living here, and Iím sure he feels relief too.
    Love isn't enough. Someone who committed murder, is a stalker or a drug dealers can legitimately love someone - it doesn't mean that because there is love the person is healthy for you

  2. #12
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    Make it easy for him. He threatened to leave; let him. Do you want to have to beg someone to be in a relationship with you?

    He might get through his selfish side, but it will be a long time. He is not in a place to be in a relationship right now. It almost sounds like he should not have left his clinic as early as he did. Do you know if he is still using? I would almost bet money that he has not been completely clean...

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Redfox1877
    I donít fear leaving him will set him back, itís that we do actually have a deep love.
    But I feel relieved from the pressure from him living here, and Iím sure he feels relief too.
    Haven't you ever heard the quote, "Love is patient, love is kind..."? Is what you have really love? Attachment and fear is different from love. Six years with someone addicted to a substance that heightens their predisposition to lash out and abuse you certainly makes them look the same, though.

    I don't make it my prerogative on here to convince anyone of any decision. It just seems to me that you've lost sight of what a loving partnership is supposed to be.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You didn't mention how long you have been together, but seeing you've been relating to someone in an altered state the majority of the time it's safe to say the relationship between the two of couldn't be a healthy one.

    He's been medicating himself and now he's not. He's trying to relearn how to function normally and it makes sense that this will all a cause a shift in your relationship.

    It's as if you two have been doing a dance and now he's changing the steps and you can't seem to get in sync with the different steps he's doing. The dynamic has shifted and that's what causes the anxiety.

    It remains to be seen if you two are compatible once he's no longer medicated. What worked for you before will only work if the two of you commit to personal changes and relationship changes. It's a long haul and not easily overcome.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's a master manipulator. Something alcoholics learn to perfect. The tantrums, the blame, the threats. Don't fall for it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Alcoholics make the worst partners. This guy is no exception. They lie, they whine, they threaten, they are abusive in many ways. If he wants to leave, open the door for him. Being a recovering addict is hard and can make people act out in really unpleasant ways.

    Personally I'd help him out the door, along with his stuff, and tell him I'll see him when he's completed the 10 steps and has remained sober for at least a year.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I suggest you start your own therapy and Al-anon meetings and then decide what the next stage your relationship will take. I suspect once you learn about codependency and enabling and trying to control while failing at it (yes, I suspect you are controlling too), you will find that the two of you might just get along a lot better.

    He is in treatment and it's time for you to start yours now. You both have to have help in order to forsake some unhealthy ways of relating.

    Good luck and congratulations on taking the steps you, as the partner of an alcoholic need to take.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    His primary relationship is with booze and cycling in and out of recovery. You are just a pawn. Someone to blame, dump on, do all the dirty work and heavy lifting while he entertains his on/off drinking/recovery. Let him move out. Free yourself from this prison.

    You do not have a relationship, it's a facade. You are alone anyway. His head is so far up his butt from drinking and relapsing, you'll never be able to pull it out. You can't fix or change him. Your choices are: drunk or dry drunk. BF is not a choice he's offering.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He's a control freak and an alcoholic. Either of those by itself is a dealbreaker, but he's got two.

    You are going to counseling, good.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I suggest you start your own therapy and Al-anon meetings and then decide what the next stage your relationship will take.
    Yep, the AlaNon is important for you, because you will learn from people who are in the same position. Like AA, each group is run differently, so give each location at least 3 meetings before making any decisions about whether a given group is for you.

    You were smart to recognize the emotional blackmail, and you'd be smart to change your locks and avoid having him live with you. He needs to stabilize on his own. AA recommends that those in recovery avoid romantic relationships for at least a year, and as you've noticed, there are quite a few reasons for that. He's still living old habits of manipulation, and your willingness to let him leave was your first step in breaking your role in a long established pattern.

    AlaNon will help you to continue breaking your old and enabling reactions to BF's BS. Trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but it takes time and distance to get there, and you'll both need to reach that place on your own.

    You stated a belief that this is not supposed to effect you, and nothing could be further from the truth. These impacts are exactly what AlaNon is designed to help you with, so find a meeting and don't 'think about going,' GO.

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