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Thread: Dating Someone New But Don't Want To Repeat Past Mistakes

  1. #1
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    Dating Someone New But Don't Want To Repeat Past Mistakes

    I just started seeing someone for the last 6 weeks. I just got out of a a 1+ year relationship with someone I lived with about 3 months ago and meeting this new person was very unexpected. Anyhow, we get along very well so far, great communication (we talk for hours and hours), and out physical and emotional chemistry is very strong. We have also both expressed we have never enjoyed kissing someone as much as we each other. We both have agreed to take it "slow" to try and do things differently than we have in the past and give it a fighting chance.

    Though I really like her, there are some "red flags" that I am seeing. For example, she has been with a good amount of people and most of her relationships have been relatively short (1 year or less) with the exception of her very last one which was 4-5 years off and on and from what she described, not very healthy.

    She has also shared her attachment style to love and says she tends to be avoidant.....meaning she is not very comfortable with intimacy, maybe even scared of commitment. Whereas I have leaned more towards the anxious side....feeling insecure and trying to get closer but can come across as clingy/needly....etc.

    My main question is: Should I give this person a try, regardless of what the labels are or our past histories? Or shut it down before I get too emotionally invested?

    We both know the goal is to be secure in love....and it usually helps when you can practice with a person. I just don't want to put myself through unnecessary pain again and heartbreak.

  2. #2
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    Too early to date. You should have waited before getting involved.

    Te intimacy issue would be a deal breaker for me.

    Have fun with friends. Learn from your past relationship.

  3. #3
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    This sounds like a very negative approach "give it a fighting chance" and all this psychospeak talk this early on -what about having fun? Enjoying getting to know each other? What does it even mean to be "secure in love?" Do you mean to be secure in your feelings? To feel love for the person without being scared of the intensity of your feelings? I'd get much more basic and concrete about what you want out of going on dates with a new person. What does it mean to "take it slow?" to you -do you both mean the same thing? What does it mean to "take it fast?" Sounds like she was fast to share her baggage and her self-diagnosed "attachment style" and you are fast to look for the negatives/red flags based on your baggage.

    This all sounds really over dramatic and over thought. Here is what I would do. Plan fun activities to do on dates. Go on the dates and enjoy the fun activities or be spontaneous if that is fun for you two. Try to come up with really silly inside jokes, see movies or theater or binge watch some favorite TV shows. Share dessert. Bake cookies and make one or two with no chips to give to your blandest acquaintance[s]. Come up with ideas for a reality show, new inventions (a la Shark Tank), and if you arrive at one or two inside jokes so much the better.

    I think if she is already telling you she is avoidant she is telling you to stay away - why would she act against her own best interests. No, not because she is so "honest". I'd still maybe try the fun and lighthearted route and then revisit her self-diagnosis/label in a month.

    This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie meets a guy in the waiting room of her therapists office. They date awhile then have great sex. Then she asks him why he is in therapy "because right after I sleep with someone I want to run away." That's their last date.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well...

    What are you doing to work on that anxious attachment style? Awareness is good, but it's just a micro step. Not the same as change. In fact, sometimes, it can be the opposite of change, especially if we jump into something a bit too fast, a bit too early.

    Like, you let someone know during early pillow talk that you can get a little anxious in the attachment zone, and when they don't run for the door you've been subconsciously rewarded that it's all good. Just like someone can confess that they can be a little avoidant, a little commitment-phobic, and when you don't run for the door they're rewarded.

    And, presto, both people stay in the same icky spot and build a relationship on an icky foundation. When the early stardust fades and the butterflies stop flapping their wings, that ickiness seeps to the surface.

    Now, I'm not saying that's the case here, or that you should run for the door. But what I am saying is that you don't fix past relationship mistakes inside new relationships. You fix them in yourself, first, so you make better choices with the people you get involved with.

    That, at the 6 week mark, you both are already having meta conversations about how you want to do things differently—that raises an eyebrow. That you're posting this here, at just the 6 week mark—well, that's your anxiousness already simmering. So, both eyebrows raised.

    So, what to do? Connection, chemistry—that stuff is awesome, and I'm generally a fan of trying to see if it can be harnessed. But if you're already asking the questions about unnecessary pain leading to heartbreak—well, you have to get that in check and that doesn't mean asking her for promises or assurance.

    Oftentimes people who are asking those questions at this stage haven't fully processed past pain, past heartbreak. Because you know what? She might hurt you. She might break your heart. Your might hurt her, break hers. That's the gamble. You date when you're ready to roll those dice, because there's no other way to play the game.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie meets a guy in the waiting room of her therapists office. They date awhile then have great sex. Then she asks him why he is in therapy "because right after I sleep with someone I want to run away." That's their last date.
    One of the all time great moments on that show!

    You put it better than I could, Batya.

    OP, time to chill with all this mutual diagnosing. That can feel like a fast track to intimacy, when it's kind of something else.

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    Staying date free for only a little over a month is way too short after a relationship where you have lived together. Is being single really that scary? Slow down, I'd be healing and improving myself, not dating someone new. I'd be staying single for at least half a year.

    Latching onto someone new and not taking a break makes you seem very codependent. Also dating an avoidant would stress you out, one needs to grow and mature don't they.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Dating Someone New But Don't Want To Repeat Past Mistakes
    What are the mistakes you don't want to repeat?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    What are the mistakes you don't want to repeat?
    I don't want to repeats the anxious/avoidant dynamic....I want us both to feel secure with each other and not default back to our past attachment styles (she tend to avoid and I tend to become anxious).

    I have worked on myself in this department and she has expressed the same. But how do I "really" know we are have changed?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by girltalkCA
    I don't want to repeats the anxious/avoidant dynamic....I want us both to feel secure with each other and not default back to our past attachment styles (she tend to avoid and I tend to become anxious).

    I have worked on myself in this department and she has expressed the same. But how do I "really" know we are have changed?
    You don't. And I would as much as possible avoid labeling yourself. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Has a professional officially diagnosed you with a disorder related to relationship or social skills? No guarantees in relationships just a balancing of the risks. As I wrote above I think you're getting in your own way here -and that's risky.

  11. #10
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    How specifically have you "worked on " yourself?

    Have you had therapy? Attended classes? Sought any kind of professional help?

  12. 05-24-2019, 03:39 PM

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