Still not over her...

I was in a relationship with a woman from Vietnam in the year 2016. Her and I met on a dating site. We chatted for a while and then she came visit me one day.

We had a great time and she seemed to be into me at first so we decided she would move in with me. I was in love with her and I told her and showed her as much as possible.

In June of 2016 I sponsored her visa to visit me for an extended period of time. It should have been 6 months and we were going to see how things go after.

During that time we lived together and in the beginning all was well. But as time went on, we started fighting more and more. The main reason being her not making any contribution to the relationship, while I worked my butt off to support myself and her. She didn't contribute anything, not even emotionally. It felt like she became more and more like an empty shell as time went on.

It felt like she thought she was entitled to everything and she wanted many things from me. I couldn't afford the life she asked for.

She also wanted to get married and have children. She was literally pushing for it and I became more and more reluctant because what we had didn't feel right.

Another reason why we fought was the fact that I discovered her continuing to use the dating site. She said that she had just forgotten to delete her account.

After we lived together for 4 months she went home to visit her family. While she was gone I checked to see if she was still online dating, and she was online several times when she was in Vietnam.

I was upset and broke up with her. I told her I saw her profile and I didn't feel like she was really committed to us. She cried and asked me to give her a chance. I stupidly did because I thought that if she didn't care about me she wouldn't cry or want me back.

So then it came to me paying for her flight. I transferred the money to her to fly back to me. One week before her flight was scheduled she video called me to tell me that she changed her mind because there just wasn't any love on her end. She said she tried but she felt like I was getting upset too easily over her not being able to contribute.

There was never any abuse in any way. I just got mad sometimes and told her when I was angry and I criticized her. My criticism was always met with silence and indifference. This time it was her breaking up.

Then we didn't talk for about a week and then I called her to tell her that I loved her and that I wanted to give it another chance. She said she needed space and that she will contact me again soon. I asked her when she could talk and how long she needed space. She couldn't give me an answer to it.

I don't know why I was such a fool. She reacted so cold and just downplayed everything we had like it didn't mean anything. She asked me to get over it and move on. Then she hung up on me mid conversation.

I was mad and wrote her a text, telling her how I felt taken advantage of, how I wanted my money for her flight back, and how she made me feel by continuing her online dating, then her begging me back and then once I did come back just treating me like garbage that she didn't even care about.

Following my email she just disappeared. No answer to my phone calls and texts.

I tried to get in touch with her a few more times for about 3 more months. She just ended up blocking my number. Then in December of 2016 I sent her one last email and went NC.

Today I am still struggling with this every day. For a while I continued to stalk her social media, but I stopped that as well. I went to see a counselor for almost all of 2017. I was crying over this frequently for 6 months. I tried dating other women but I am still not over this. I don't even care about the money anymore. I just feel like I want an apology or at least want acknowledgement for what we had. But nothing came from her since then, even though she promised she would be in touch again.

How can I finally get this out of my head. There are no reminders of her in my life anymore, yet I still think about her 2 or 3 times a day, and that thought is always accompanied by this bad feeling in my stomach. I still feel like I want to talk to her. Who just cuts someone out of their life like this? I have never experienced anything like it. We are both in our late 30s. The relationship was only about 6 months long and now, almost 2 years after I went NC, I still can not let this go. Why is it so hard?

Sorry to hear you went through this. However, now she has her claws in some other poor guy bleeding him dry. So it's a blessing she left. Hope you find the love you are looking for. Block and delete her from everything. Get on some dating apps and start meeting local women.

I'm really confused on what you expected her to contribute exactly when she was on a tourist visa and essentially your dependent for the time of her stay with you. It sounds also like you were possibly a bit more verbally abusive toward her than you care to admit. What were you criticizing her for? In such a short time, it was quite a stormy situation. On top of that, seems that there was a major lack of cultural knowledge/understanding on your part, as in what you are actually getting yourself into, so more conflict driven by that alone. Bottom line is that you and her weren't compatible, there was too much fighting and not getting along going on and it's good that you and her are no longer together. There is really nothing more that she owes you.

The not letting go and continuing to obsess, honestly it's simply because you created a problem for yourself where you need her validation to move on....except you won't get it. So you need to let go of this self imposed need and work on forgiving yourself for how things went and moving on a little bit wiser. Maybe in the future, stick to dating local and don't be so quick to live together, etc. Stop telling yourself of this great love you had, because you really just barely dated for under 6 months. Put it in perspective and let go.

how do you get over her? you make the decision that it's time and do it.

it's not immediate. there will be ups and downs.

but it really comes down to making the decision it's time - and then doing it.. and sticking to it until it's done.

The types of things that will help until you get there are: keeping yourself busy. healing yourself. getting over her over time. that's it. there is no pill. thre is no 10 step program.

YOU control everything in you. So control it.

again.. it takes time so be understanding to yourself as well - and you will get there.

I agree with everything Dancing Fool said. I would add that the reason this is so difficult for you to move on is that this relationship had a heavy fantasy component. You met her online and you created a relationship in your mind before you brought her over. The reality of the situation didn't match up with what you had envisioned, and you're actually mourning the loss of the fantasy relationship rather than the real one.

Likewise, I'm confused on what you wanted her to contribute to the relationship. Did you want her to cook, clean and get a job? And in Asian culture it is very important to be married and have children, especially where she was in her 30s. So she wanted to get on with that quickly. I don't think you understood that. I also picked up a sense there may have been some emotional abuse on your part. The correct response was for her to say nothing while you were ranting at her. Arguing doesn't show participation in a relationship.

I think you've got to snap out of it. You barely had a relationship and everything you thought you had was wrong. It didn't exist. And I hope you'll re-think your idea about bringing in women from other countries to date. Stick to the old fashioned way of dating local people where you want get into trouble misunderstanding the dating situation.

Robert - You need to go deeper. This woman has tapped into some core issues within you from your childhood and early years. She has sated some male mother needs that we carry with us our whole lives.

Start with some research on Attachment Theory.

I'm not going to tell you to just get over her or snap out of it. If it were that easy I think we'd all do that right?

Without going on that inward journey you will come up with the same problem whether you meet a girl locally or internationally.

Take care of your mind, body and soul.

This will take some time and work so be patient with yourself.

Regards

Carus*

She was using you for a visa and for the financial benefits. She never cared so I hope you'll block and stay away from her for good. Next time don't ever let someone financially and emotionally mess you around like that.

Yeah, unfortunately I have to say this really sounds like she was using you financially and for a visa. This is why she was cold and didn't contribute squat. That would have defeated the whole point of her getting a free ride. It's also why she went MIA after you asked for the flight money back. Yuck. That's my interpretation at least.

And yes, I agree with Carus above that this woman symbolizes a much deeper issue, a deeper core belief that is keeping you feeling wounded and stuck. It's not actually about her, it's about a dynamic or belief that you're hung up on, imo. This is the key to you being able to heal and move on.

I was trying to think of how to say this politely without being harsh but basically I also was going to say, what did you expect? It sounds to me like you essentially got yourself a "mail order bride". It seems to me like her financial situation wasn't the best and Vietnam is overall a poor country where many women want a Westerner husband that can financially support them and give them a better life.

You had an online relationship and I guess she wanted to see how it would be in real life and it ended up that it didn't work out to be in an actual in person relationship. You can't exactly blame yourself or her for that because really it was no different than actual online dating. You just didn't meet in person for a long time, so it prolonged the "fantasy", as some of the other posters have said.

I'm also not sure if your girlfriend didn't contribute financially because she's poor, so couldn't give you money from her savings or anything. She doesn't speak much English so therefore hard to get a job or visa doesn't allow to work. Or maybe in her culture she thought it was OK for the man to work and she can be a housewife and stay home with the kids. I mean I have no idea what the situation was exactly so if you want to elaborate then please do....

But really you can't expect to get a mail order bride off the Internet and expect her to be in love with you. In all honesty she was probably mostly after a better life and financial security and not you as a person. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that can often be the reality. She was probably still on online dating the whole time to see who else is out there.

I think she did just want you to financially support her and in exchange she was willing to agree to be with you and have kids and in a sense "settle" for you. But because you kept hounding her about contributing, she realised this wasn't going to work for her. I don't think she actually loved you so if she wasn't going to get a good deal out of it then why stay?

I am sorry you are going through this. It is time to heal. You are doing the right thing by going counseling, at the same time you really need to rule your mind. We can train everything about ourselves. I.e. if you have moments where the feelings of remorse, love, jealousy, anger "ambush" attacks you, develop a routine where an activity will inhibit you from sitting on these negative emotions. It is easier said than done, I know, been there done that. The time to look back should be over, time to look ahead now. Then one day, I just woke up feeling tired of thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same way. We still have a life, let us make it better as much as we can.

Online dating is really high risk even if it appears to be the norm these days. No webcam, no texting or emailing can actually reveal a person's true intention or feelings. It is a leap of faith, as with "real" dating. It does not mean there is nobody that is a match for you out there, just jump on the next pretty profile you like. Again, take that leap of faith.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just wanted to give some more information as to what exactly I meant by not contributing.

There were a few major things. I know she couldn't work here but she could have helped clean, cook, go walk/feed the dog (as I requested several times), make plans for our free time together, buy small gifts, sexual favors, etc... I wouldn't have gotten mad if she had shown some interest in the relationship once she was here. But she never did any of these things except for the first few weeks, and that is why I got upset. She asked me for some very valuable gifts, including purses and shoes that where out of my usual spending budget.

I think any contribution would have been very much appreciated. Even her telling me she cares about me would have made a big difference. But she couldn't even say the words. Instead she would sit around at my apartment and play with her phone, talk to family and friends, or go shopping for things for herself instead of using the little money she had to help us out. I really don't think it is too much to ask for considering I wanted to help her have a better life by bringing her here, giving her the option to stay, while going to work every day to afford the life she wanted.

Yes, I did get upset. I never insulted her, I never shouted at her, but I got mad and I also cried a few times. As I said, she was just cold and I don't think she cared. She just ignore it. It wasn't the correct response for her to say nothing while I was ranting at her. There was never any remorse or apology.

Considering that she basically took my money in the end that was supposed to be for her flight (close to 2k), I feel that she does owe me something. If not the money, then at least an apology or explanation and enough respect to not just ignore me after I was prepared to make what she always called her "dream" come true. Almost 2 years on and still no word from her. It hurts and it hurts more as time goes by. I can understand if she needs time to get over things, but not to say a word for over 2 years is unfair in my opinion, especially knowing that what hurts me the most is her silence and I told her that many times. I don't see why she would think this was the best course of action to not give me the option to express myself. I wouldn't even care about her anymore today if she had taken a few days after the relationship to talk to me. She would mean nothing to me today if she let me talk and I know that, so I don't see why she couldn't do me that favor after I begged her for it.

Some of your comments make total sense. Yes, I should just move on as anyone else would, she isn't worth it from a rational perspective, but so far I haven't made enough progress.

Last night I had another nightmare about how she treated me. I have them frequently as well. It really seems to be a deeper rooted issue that is inside of me and it definitely has a lot to do with the dynamics during but also after the relationship. I feel like she got everything she wanted from me until the end from a financial and emotional point of view.

Sure, her goal was to stay, have children and get married, but once she realized that I wasn't willing to go ahead with it I meant nothing to her at all.

Again, the issue is really mostly related to her silence. The silence is what created this feeling in the end that is so hard for me to overcome. It is what fueled this dynamic that I have created in my head (or maybe it is a real dynamic she is in on).

I feel used and in the end I feel like I lost. It would be interesting to learn more about what is going on inside of me considering the feeling I have, especially regarding the pain inflicted by her silence and how it makes me feel more like I am not worthy, and how it amplified the feeling of losing something. Sometimes it feels like she did it on purpose to hurt me because she couldn't get what she wanted.

And regarding the whole "mail order bride" thing, my friends always called her that and I didn't think it was fair at the time considering the hardship her and her family had to endure. But looking back at it today I guess you could call her that. She was a mail order bride... and oh what a bad and disappointing order she was...

Well, re: the silence, you could try and remind yourself that she was never in love with you and never really in the relationship either. It was all a faćade. That's why it was easier for her to just walk away.

It may have felt real at the time and you might try to convince yourself that it was. But from an outside perspective it sure didn't sound like it.

Another question to ask yourself is why was I willing to put up with that...

The other side of the pendulum to silence we have what's known as 'Breadcrumbing' which is what I and many others got.

This is where contact will come frequently or every now and then from the ex.

Sadly this only drags out the healing process too... Choose your poison.

Lastly, I wouldn't give up totally on international dating. The world is a much smaller place these days and there's good and bad in all cultures.

You might find a good partner locally or you might find one over the waters.

Perhaps look to finding another girl and look forward to that.

We cannot drive down the freeway whilst looking in the rear view mirror*

Carus*

 

We cannot drive down the freeway whilst looking in the rear view mirror*

 

Carus*

Perfect. That's a wrap. chi

Sadly these situations often don't turn out for all the reasons you cited. She wanted a better life thinking she met a rich american. You wanted a sort of indentured servant for your money/efforts. Obviously this offends and disappoints both parties. No one wants to be a sugar daddy nor an indentured servant/sexual servant. These transactions are build on exploitation and are unseemly at best. Date normal local women who are on par with you rather than seeking out these seedy situations.

She was a mail order bride... and oh what a bad and disappointing order she was...