Mind Trapped In Guilt

If you've seen my other threads you'll know that i'm currently 14 months out from the first real break up with my ex-girlfriend and 6 months now from a failed recon and the last time I hung out with her. I am the dumpee.

After speaking to her last week and realizing that she is probably never going to come back. Im 99% sure of it. My head has been trapped in endless thoughts of everything I have ever done wrong to that girl.

After visiting some friends this weekend, I went on social media to see her and her rebound hanging out smiling and laughing on snapchat. And while that hurts beyond anything I've ever experienced. I probably should just move on and accept that what I did is in the past and I have a lot of room to improve at my age. And I know where I went wrong. To a point I feel I deserve this though. I feel like this new guy is just way better than me and is now going to provide to my ex what I never did. Almost like a movie where I'm the villainous ex-boyfriend that everyone hates. And while I love that she is happy, for it is what she deserves. I would do anything for me to be the one making her happy on a renewed chance.

After doing many things wrong, creating drama, getting upset due to my anger issues, lying on multiple occasions as well just to not make her upset because she didn't approve of my behavior, and ultimately cheating. Despite me doing all these things at a young age (17-18 I just recently turned 20) I still feel awful, I honestly feel like I deserved for her to walk out on me and feel all this pain. I caused a lot of hurt.

Even though my parents, friends, and even acquaintances that I know say that my ex is crazy, and that I dodged a bullet by doing what I did. I still don't feel right at all. My ex has a sour reputation in our town, and while I never really cared about that. My parents whom despise her try to justify my pain by saying she's a bad person for stringing me along or calling me because they apparently see right through her. They say that I made a mistake but it's normal at my age to cheat. And I don't agree with my parents I think that logic is flawed. My best friends both stated that she is crazy and that she told me all these things the other day to put me down and hurt my feelings after I've tried so hard to change. And while multiple people say the same thing and I have great people in my corner. I still feel like i'm the loser and I lost the good girl because I was an immature terrible person in the past.

I feel like I missed out on my soulmate and never provided my full share of potential. Only when the door closed and I saw her leaving did I have a moral epiphany and say to myself "What are you doing?".

I'm continuing to go to counseling which is barely helping. And I honestly feel like i'll never find a girl like my ex again. While she did drive me crazy at times. Im regretful I lost my best friend. Now I sit from the sidelines and watch as she's with someone else.

Well, I think you're being over-dramatic. I don't think she was your soulmate, and if you were so in love with her, you wouldn't have cheated on her. But there's no reason to beat yourself up over this. You were immature and now, hopefully, you're maturing and you've learned some valuable lessons for your next relationship. (Definitely, cheating is a no-no at any age.)

You're only 20, OP. Thinking you will never find a girl like her again is because you lack life experience and have little to compare this to. That's actually good news, because it means your best years are in front of you.

Yes, you made some bad choices in the relationship. And yes, she was right to leave as a result. You can't change that. But honestly, most relationships that we have in our teen years don't last forever. They are valuable, in that we are learning how to date and have a romantic relationship, and we also sometimes learn what not to do. I view these early relationships as training wheels for the more serious and mature ones we usually have later in our adult lives. I know that doesn't minimize your pain now, but you will more than likely move past her much faster than you expect.

Continue with counseling. Don't have any contact with her, or as little as humanly possible if you run in the same social circles. You will hurt for a while, but you will move past this.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You re young and inexperienced. Besides, you have your whole life ahead of you. Until you have healed from the relationship, avoid her social media pages- that will only make you feel worse and set you back in your healing process. You will meet plenty of other girls and you will go on to live, laugh and love with others! Just give yourself time.

 

I feel like I missed out on my soulmate and never provided my full share of potential. Only when the door closed and I saw her leaving did I have a moral epiphany and say to myself "What are you doing?".

 

Not to sound insensitive, but yeah you really need to think about this. Not sure why, but this happens so often (mostly with men), and I have yet to determine why that is.

That why does it take a woman walking out (permanently) for him to wake up and realize what a **** he's been and behave with HONESTY and integrity towards her the their RL?

I will just never understand this.

Anyway, she's gone and all you can do at this point is learn a valuable lesson and vow to NEVER behave this way again. Value and cherish what you have, when you have it!

Not to sound insensitive, but yeah you really need to think about this. Not sure why, but this happens so often (mostly with men), and I have yet to determine why that is.

 

That why does it take a woman walking out (permanently) for him to wake up and realize what a **** he's been and behave with HONESTY and integrity towards her the their RL?

 

I will just never understand this.

 

Anyway, she's gone and all you can do at this point is learn a valuable lesson and vow to NEVER behave this way again. Value and cherish what you have, when you have it!

I've been noticing that pattern too. Cheating, verbal abuse just all around ahole behavior. Then the woman gets fed up and leaves and she becomes gold. To me, it's ego, to lose that glorification, that safety net that no matter what you do they will be there would be hard to lose. In a nutshell you want your toy back.

It's funny cause when women who get jerked around and then the guy starts sniffing around again posts her story we tell her he wants his ego stroked and to stay away.

But, I'm not a guy so, I don't know.

Not to sound insensitive, but yeah you really need to think about this. Not sure why, but this happens so often (mostly with men), and I have yet to determine why that is.

 

That why does it take a woman walking out (permanently) for him to wake up and realize what a **** he's been and behave with HONESTY and integrity towards her the their RL?

 

I will just never understand this.

 

Anyway, she's gone and all you can do at this point is learn a valuable lesson and vow to NEVER behave this way again. Value and cherish what you have, when you have it!

You're not being insensitive! I mean you don't know me or the relationship so for you to say that I've been a **** is kind of your own opinion which I respect. The relationship had gone LDR the first year I dated her and at that point it just got worse from there. She came home but nothing got fixed. I tried fixing everything the moment she found out I cheated. (Found out in late May i believe, broke up with my mid July). But hey I appreciate your post! Not all guys are like that.

I've been noticing that pattern too. Cheating, verbal abuse just all around ahole behavior. Then the woman gets fed up and leaves and she becomes gold. To me, it's ego, to lose that glorification, that safety net that no matter what you do they will be there would be hard to lose. In a nutshell you want your toy back.

 

It's funny cause when women who get jerked around and then the guy starts sniffing around again posts her story we tell her he wants his ego stroked and to stay away.

 

But, I'm not a guy so, I don't know.

It has nothing to do with wanting my "toy" back. Im pretty sure this is the second post you've stated my ego is stroked. I mean if you're trying to be helpful I'm having a hard time seeing it because all I asked for was insight on why I feel this way. I was always there emotionally, I supported her with everything she wanted to do including rushing her sorority and career goals, I also made her feel special in front of the whole group when she has serious self esteem issues and thinks she's ugly when she's gorgeous. My faults where my communication and anger within arguments in which I pushed away. And also my infidelity. I recognized that.

Now if I were to tell you some details on the full story of when she came back you would probably flip the script. Failed recon 5ish months ago? Let's call her rebound H.

I had asked in August about H in which she lied and continued to hangout with me (at this point we are broken up) so she doesn't owe me anything but I did ask because I heard rumors so I could leave it alone and heal. She insisted that H wasn't a thing and that she loved me and didn't want to let go yet.

Boom red flag, She and H lasted until October in which drama ensued from my side and her side. I won't get into all the negative details but she essentially called me psycho in front of all her friends because I asked H through text if she was banging him.

H leaves she comes back for a recon that lasted from October to February: "DeltaPhi I want to try again I love you"

1.) Went to a music festival, she broke her nose. I mean it was bad. So I tried to get her rushed to the hospital, she was drunk, lost her phone, all over the place, her friends ditched her. So I stayed to take care of her. She continuously treated me like ****. Danced with another guy in front of my friends and gave me the finger multiple times to get arise out of me. I did nothing back. I called her parents we went home together. She had no recollection of that night.

2.) Found out that she had been banging H still while being with me. I flipped out because I bought her a Christmas gift in which two days later I found out about her sleeping with him. She denied it and begged for me to stay. I gave her another chance.

3.) Picked her and a friend up from Downtown. And once I drove the friend home her attitude changed. (She was a bit drunk). She instantly starts fighting with me on how i'm an *** and that I drove H away from her and it's all my fault. I asked why she always talks about him when i've changed. She then starts hitting me in the face while on the highway and states "Because I liked him! And I work with him and now its awkward!" and then she fell asleep in the car. I walked her upstairs showered her, and then put her in bed. She awoke and flipped out and started kicking me for being inside her house after she asked me to come in. Also no recollection of that night.

4.) Blacked out Downtown. Her roommate calls me to come to the apartment and to bring food and gatorade. I brought both, I slept next to her on the bathroom floor with pillows because she was alone puking her brains out. I then awake at 3AM to a call from H and messages that were extremely lewd. I looked at the phone and saw that she had in fact replied earlier in the night.

5.) I gave her 5 chances. I backed away she started begging saying she never stopped loving me but wasn't happy and apologized for lying. I texted H saying he could have her but ultimately I had told H I was with her and that I had no respect for him because he continued to contact her while he had told me he wouldn't. I didn't ask him too but he said he wouldn't be a problem anymore. She blames it all on me because he cuts contact again.

6.) Comes to my house in the middle of the night with my watch and states she's sorry and wants to talk. I break down and state that all I want is to be happy with her. That I can't change the past and all I can do is provide for the future. I promise change, I show no back bone. And she asks to come inside to sleep. I adamantly say no, but then I give in. We hook up and cuddle all night.

7.) I started getting clingy due to me having no trust in her. And she ultimately left in February stating she wanted to be alone and H wasn't in the picture. I agreed that she needed time to herself and that I would always be here and stated that I ultimately wanted to be with her. She then continues to call all the time. And H comes up to me in the gym stating that she confessed "love" to him.

Fast foward to today. And they are happily together after she called me for months and stopped in June stating things such as "I love you I don't want you to move on." "DeltaPhi you're the only person I'm truly myself with." "I love so f***** much." I stated I needed to move on because this wasn't fair. She tried to keep me here. I mean H had done nothing. He had practically talked **** about her. And my past haunts me with her which is why she won't come back. Once the relationship bonded she had no further use for me and cut me off. Now the past 3 months I went slight chase mode and now I'm blocked after putting in effort for a year straight. She even just made a scene telling me a week ago at the bar the she is loving me from afar and still has feelings and that she is sorry and wanted to kiss me and held my hand and what not. Only to call the next day to say she meant none of it to block me for trying to call her about it. She even told her rebound and he didn't care it affected nothing. Which isn't my goal. But thats where I'm at currently.

So if you think personally I "jerked" my girl I'm sorry. But I gave you all MY negatives pertaining to what I did in the relationship. And to be honest I see where you're coming from with the glorification. But sadly you're outlook is far from the truth on why I want this girl back.

Is this you being remorseful?

You start a post titled: Mind trapped on guilt.

Then when posters are like, ' yeah you messed up' you insist you didn't and write a novel about her deeds.

Like I said you want your toy back...

She's not innnocent, you've already made that clear in past posts. Doesn't mean you're a victim. Doesn't mean you want her back for sincere reasons.

If you love her. Let her go. If you're genuine, let her work through her emotions and if you two are soul mates she will make her way back to you when she's single and healed.

I personally doubt you will want her once she's single and you're no longer taking her from someone else but hey. prove me wrong.

Believe it or not. I want you to prove me wrong cause I'm sorry, I don't think your intentions are pure and I want to be wrong.

Is this you being remorseful?

 

You start a post titled: Mind trapped on guilt.

 

Then when posters are like, ' yeah you messed up' you insist you didn't and write a novel about her deeds.

 

Like I said you want your toy back...

 

She's not innnocent, you've already made that clear in past posts. Doesn't mean you're a victim. Doesn't mean you want her back for sincere reasons.

 

If you love her. Let her go. If you're genuine, let her work through her emotions and if you two are soul mates she will make her way back to you when she's single and healed.

 

I personally doubt you will want her once she's single and you're no longer taking her from someone else but hey. prove me wrong.

 

Believe it or not. I want you to prove me wrong cause I'm sorry, I don't think your intentions are pure and I want to be wrong.

Understood, and I completely agree with your standpoint. I don't think I'm a victim and yes I did mess up! I just disagree with the face that I want my toy back. I am genuine and I'm currently 9 days NC and I want whats best for her right now. Ill update my story periodically if she chooses to reach out which I know won't be anytime soon.

And when she is single I'm 100% sure ill still want her it has nothing to do with H. But I appreciate your view! Thanks

Understood, and I completely agree with your standpoint. I don't think I'm a victim and yes I did mess up! I just disagree with the face that I want my toy back. I am genuine and I'm currently 9 days NC and I want whats best for her right now. Ill update my story periodically if she chooses to reach out which I know won't be anytime soon.

 

And when she is single I'm 100% sure ill still want her it has nothing to do with H. But I appreciate your view! Thanks

Then wait. Heal. Work on you. Be ready for her, or whoever.

Well it's been a little over two weeks NC and obviously not a peep from the ex. But I thought I'd update this thread maybe every 2-3 weeks or once a month or so just to speak on my story and to use it as a diary. ENA has really been helping and the past two weeks I can honestly say i've made progress from when I just started this thread not too long ago.

I stopped counseling as I can see that talking about her 2-3 times a week is just too much and hurts a little bit more as I feel I know where I went wrong in the relationship and I know now I can do better than what I was before. I know that I am a changed individual and only positive things await for me in the future so why wait and sit my life away like I have the past year for my ex. I mean she said she's happy and moved on why can't I be? And the thing I realized is that only I can make myself happy, not her.

About 3 days after I created this thread, I actually saw my ex walk into a bar with her rebound and they were all hanging out with her friends she looked happy. It hurt, but at the same time it honestly made me smile to see that she was out having fun because she always studies and I know that stresses her out. They stared at me and I eventually got uncomfortable and left with my friends but she just stared at me and didn't peep a word at me which is perfectly fine! I need to accept that she's not mine anymore despite how much I've changed now. I then went to see my best friends at their Uni for a weekend and ran into my ex's best friend. Kinda weird but we chatted for 5 minutes and just caught up real quick.

I started working out again, I'm rushing a fraternity this semester so I can meet some new friends, I recently obtained a new job at a hospital, and dedicating more time to my studies since fall semester has just started. I feel a little better but still think about the ex daily, maybe 2-3 times a day. Im sure with time I will make it it's just a matter of how committed i'm going to be with focusing on me.

There's still no hope for this situation, but now i'm learning to accept it for what it is, maybe she was meant to be in my life to teach me this lesson of when I have someone that treats me so well, and that I love so much, you can't take it for granted. Or maybe I had to lose her to know what she really meant to me so she could come back at a better time or vice versa!

Regardless, I'm going to make it.

Hope everyone is doing amazing. Godspeed

Well, looks like im back earlier than expected. Didn't really end the way I want it too and at this point I think I was just being used as a back burner I have no idea so I really need some advice on how this girl is thinking from a female perspective. She says things that make sense but then her actions really say otherwise and it's really messing with my head and the healing process.

She went to a bar last night for a friends birthday and she was with her rebound in public. Apparently they got into a fight of some sort. My friend was with her and she took him home with her. He told me via text that she had been talking about me all night while her rebound was there. I called him to see if he needed a ride home and my ex grabbed the phone away from him to talk.

She stated that she wanted to talk to me and see how she was doing. I asked her to give the phone back to my friend because she was drunk and I knew it so I just said that I didn't want to talk. She then responds with "You don't care anymore do you?". I stated that I just wanted to talk to my friend. She hangs up and calls me off her phone with "No Caller ID". I didn't answer the first three calls. Because I was calling my friend to make sure he could get home safe. Last time I checked she blocked my number. I was astounded because next I received a FaceTime call. I answered and she was in bed drunk. She starts crying immediately.

I show her around my room because she hasn't seen it in a while as I changed a lot of things, and then talked about my family and what not. Basic things. We then start talking about us due to her insinuating it. She asks me "Why do you hate me?" and I respond with "I don't I'm just disappointed". We converse a little more and eventually it results in the following: I'll call her F and the rebound H

F: "I miss you as an individual I do, last week I was having a rough time because I had been dreaming about you non stop. I woke up every hour of the night that time. And I eventually woke up in tears. I cried in my car as well because I get so worried about you and what you're doing. You're always on my mind, and I look for you on campus too all the time, I really want to talk to you. I love you"

Me: "Then why do you shut me out and treat me poorly whenever I show interest and genuinely don't play games?"

F: "I really like H, to be honest, he treats me good and i'm happy. Like I genuinely want to be with him and I feel guilty talking to you on the phone because he'll cut it off with me. He's so good to me DeltaPhi, and you weren't that good of a boyfriend. I moved on romantically to him and even though that hurts you. I'm sorry but i'm never coming back. Like i'm never ever coming back. You messed up"

Me: "Alright I respect it, I wish you the best like I said before. Please leave me alone if this is what you want. Im going to sleep, have a great day tomorrow."

F: "Wait, wait!"

*Hang up*

She calls back immediately I answer

Me: "You can't throw that in my face and then want to talk to me."

F: "I can't help it, you're the only guy I've ever loved, but H shows me true genuine happiness at times, like I wasn't as happy with you because we would fight. I know you were 18, but he's 23 and it's different and new. I love you though, I do I still have feelings I can't help, and i've noticed you've changed immensely and it makes me happy to know you've worked so hard for me. But I just can't."

Me: "So what do you want? I just want you to be happy. If it can't be with me i'll walk away."

F: "I don't want you to move on, I met someone else and it's amazing and rewarding. And we're about to be seriously committed. But I don't want to lose you, you're my best friend, the guy that was always there. You just hurt me and I don't know."

This continued back and forth for another hour basically spilling her heart open more stating she wishes that things were different and that I'm so important. That i'm always on her mind and that she hasn't healed.

Fast foward to this morning, get a call at 9AM. Only to get stood up hard again. I know she is telling me she wants this guy but her actions don't add up. They got into a huge fight and she told me last night "He's mad at me he won't even talk to me right now." And that carried on into the morning. Im still analyzing everything. And I don't know if I can ever get this girl back. She calls and states that everything was the liquor talking. And that she has feelings but they're not how they used to be, she loves me but doesn't miss our old turmoil and hurt. She admits she sees the change and knows I won't hurt her again. But there's someone else involved and unfortunately she can't speak to me. She said when she's drunk that she'll want me and definitely thinks about me even when she's sober. But she's currently happy and said that she never sees herself coming back at the moment. And I really asked her if she meant that. And she said yes. She then admitted she's being unfair and that she won't do this again and that she won't even be civil. She said she's going to avoid me in fairness to her other guy and that I had my chance. I told her that I've been here way to and that I'm just disappointed, I wasn't aggressive I just expressed I don't want this. She then ends the call with saying I'm a good guy and that she knows I never meant harm but she doesn't think we're meant to be. She says all this and I have almost no hope left. Im in love with this girl. And every time I tell her please leave me alone she'll listen for a month maybe and call me out of the blue. She now says this won't happen and that she respects me and I can date whoever I want. I even told her of a summer fling I had with a old high school friend and it broke her apart because she had asked about it and she broke down. I never told her about it because I don't want to hurt her. What do I do now? Back to NC? :(

Women don't respect men who do anything they want them to do. Women don't respect men who are doormats, who jump whenever they give them the slightest bit of attention, who still want them back even though they jerk them around every chance they get.

She knows she owns you.

As long as you act this way you have zero chance.

But I can't even imagine why you want her back considering how she's been going back and forth between you and this other guy and treating you like garbage.

Women don't respect men who do anything they want them to do. Women don't respect men who are doormats, who jump whenever they give them the slightest bit of attention, who still want them back even though they jerk them around every chance they get.

 

She knows she owns you.

 

As long as you act this way you have zero chance.

 

But I can't even imagine why you want her back considering how she's been going back and forth between you and this other guy and treating you like garbage.

I have a lot of guilt in my mind to where it feels like I owe her a lot even though I'm not with her anymore. I've been strong and stern at times. And she has been too but she's infatuated with this other guy and I just don't have a shot. Everyone says they won't last and that it's not going to happen. But I guess I want her because she used to treat me really well when were actually in a committed relationship and then I made a young mistake based off of a urge.

What should I do? I know I have to go NC. But should I just set a goal for like 4 months or something. I can't avoid her. My fraternity is homecoming partners with her sorority. And I have no idea what to do. Ill definitely see her Saturday because we have a tailgate for the first home game of the season. I do want her back and it's been way past the point of "initial breakup" we both admitted we haven't healed and definitely aren't "over" each other even though she says she is. I know for sure she is a good person, and I have been weak at times. But I want to revert away from being her doormat. She laughs almost of how in love I am with her but then she doesn't want me to be with another girl. I have some hope but its dwindling.

I wouldn't entertain drunk dials because she just had a fight with her latest bedfellow. At this point she should be blocked and deleted, not talked through her drunken slobbering.

Game playing. It’s an amateur chess game. Look how easily the tables turned for you. The second she showed weakness you pounced and made your chess move, she woke up sober and made her chess move.

What happened to you salvaging the relationship by keeping your distance and allowing her to work through her emotions? That includes not being her crutch when she and her boyfriend fight. The ego boost is fleeting, not worth it, go NC and let her go through the motions. Again if this relationship is salvageable she will make her way back to you.

Game playing. It’s an amateur chess game. Look how easily the tables turned for you. The second she showed weakness you pounced and made your chess move, she woke up sober and made her chess move.

 

What happened to you salvaging the relationship by keeping your distance and allowing her to work through her emotions? That includes not being her crutch when she and her boyfriend fight. The ego boost is fleeting, not worth it, go NC and let her go through the motions. Again if this relationship is salvageable she will make her way back to you.

Sorry i've been busy with school lately! And you're right they turned so easily. I need to stick to the game plan. Next time i'm just going to not answer. Because I know it's when she's drunk that she acts this way and the cycle restarts. I noticed when a good amount of time goes by she misses me. And that gives me some hope but I just hope the cycle stops. I know it can only happen if I dedicate NC. Thanks figureitout!

Sorry i've been busy with school lately! And you're right they turned so easily. I need to stick to the game plan. Next time i'm just going to not answer. Because I know it's when she's drunk that she acts this way and the cycle restarts. I noticed when a good amount of time goes by she misses me. And that gives me some hope but I just hope the cycle stops. I know it can only happen if I dedicate NC. Thanks figureitout!

It seems like you think I’m advising you on how to better play the game. I’m not I’m asking you to stop because right now as things stand, It looks like the second you got that power you went right back to rejecting her and then she flipped it and rejected you so it’s all about who can be the winner at this point, whos holding the carrot. I’m not seeing love and all that good stuff Im seeing ego. Seriously, if you truly love her give her space and give yourself space and the both of you decompress.

It seems like you think I’m advising you on how to better play the game. I’m not I’m asking you to stop because right now as things stand, It looks like the second you got that power you went right back to rejecting her and then she flipped it and rejected you so it’s all about who can be the winner at this point, whos holding the carrot. I’m not seeing love and all that good stuff Im seeing ego. Seriously, if you truly love her give her space and give yourself space and the both of you decompress.

I do not think you're advising me to "play a better game". I just called it a game plan because this is ultimately for me. It's not about a power struggle here there's no power in terms of the way I am thinking. I knew when I engaged in the conversation with her beforehand that she acts a tad different when drunk. I didn't reject her in any shape way or form. I simply first asked her to hand the phone to the friend because I knew she was drunk and I didn't want to speak because I knew I would give in. I need to defend myself some how. I didn't do that the last 14 months and all it got me was further and further away from her. I know now if I am reserved and just refrain from melting down with my true feelings she'll be more interested. There's no carrot for me in my opinion. You are right in terms of space and decompression. And that's what i'm trying to do. At the same time I did pour out my feelings because I got weak for her again. I told her I wanted her, and I literally went back to letting her know that no one compares. She cried intoxicated, then called in the morning to reject me once more like I explained. Your advice has actually been helping me so I'm just taking what you have said into account.

thought i'd post an update since today has been a bit rougher than the past month overall:

well, i've been moving on. i've met a whole bunch of people lately throughout this past month and while I do think about my ex every day it's getting easier and easier. despite my worst fear coming true of my ex seriously dating my coworker life isn't all that bad. she posts about them every day despite me hearing some negative things it's what she wants and it doesn't look like the train is slowing down anytime soon for them.

the last time i spoke to her was sept. 26th and it was in person. she tried saying hi to me and i told her that i really don't want to speak in person. my stomach literally turned that day. i mean i am no where near over that girl. so she pulled me outside and stated she cares and what not but has ultimately romantically moved on. she got what she wanted with her coworker and she said she knows what true happiness is now and what not. i called her later that day to try and express that i deeply love her and that i haven't really gotten the chance to prove all the work I've done on myself. and she responded with that she will never come back and that I had my chance when I was 18. verbatim literally.

so there's that. it sucks to say the least. after that phone call she just stated she wants to be able to say hi and what not because she said she doesn't know if they're dating or not but she really likes him. and 4 days later boom social media had them two all over it. so i kind of made an immature move and messaged her.

something to the effect of that I felt like I didn't deserve this. to be strung along for a year and a half. that I made mistakes at a young age and i could prove ten fold it wouldn't happen again. i wasn't trying to be aggressive but its hard when you've been trying so hard to just be a nice guy with a lot of guilt on your shoulders. i never expected this to happen. but they worked out and i guess that proves anything can happen. they grew from fwb to her saying she's going to "marry" him.

but anyways I wrapped up the long paragraph with me essentially stating i will never speak to her again and for her not to come back begging to me that she has made a mistake because I know she has. i told her to respect me and not to say hi and that I'm finished being a puppet. i've been begging and working hard for that girl proving everything since May of 2017. i've gone to therapy for months now because my confidence and self esteem is just so low. it's been a long road. i mean she just doesn't want to see me move on. by every means she had the right to leave me. but she kept me until she and him worked out and she was 100% positive they wouldn't break. so she played with my head until it was definitive. i know now deep down that I am so much better than what i was before. and someone else can reap the benefits of me if it isn't going to be her. but waking up today was rough because i honestly do miss her. it's just not worth ever going back to her because i've been lied too, humiliated, and broken to the core. yes i did cheat but i've learned so much. i hope this post doesn't draw negative comments.

for those out there in the other position though, my ex picked a new guy that had blown her off many times throughout the past year while I was available and giving 110%. she had broken his trust numerous times too while "coming back" to me. it took them 7 months to work through it and be together while being in contact with me until recently. so if that matches anyone's story just know theres hope for you.

this site has helped a lot. and i hope everyone is finding solace and their own true happiness in life. you'll find it, it just takes everyone a little time.

sincerely, deltaphi

What should I do? I know I have to go NC. But should I just set a goal for like 4 months or something. .

OK, can we do a bit of a recap on your report of a month of NC:

Short version - you have not done NC.

she posts about them every day

If you are continually looking at her social media, that is a form of contact.

the last time i spoke to her was sept. 26th and it was in person. she tried saying hi to me and i told her that i really don't want to speak in person.

You should have walked away right there. Anyway, how many other times were there before this "last" time?

my stomach literally turned that day. i mean i am no where near over that girl. so she pulled me outside and stated she cares and what not but has ultimately romantically moved on. she got what she wanted with her coworker and she said she knows what true happiness is now and what not.

You still had the opportunity to walk away at that point. Smile, wave, say good for you... and walk like Jason Bourne.

called her later that day to try and express that i deeply love her

And she's thinking, why the **** is he saying this after what I said to him? She may actually be wanting to string you along as her B plan, but if you accept that she will always see you as a doormat - and break up with you again when she fancies something else.

and that i haven't really gotten the chance to prove all the work I've done on myself.

At which point you looked needy, and weak in her eyes, and reinforced and validated her decision.

and she responded with that she will never come back

This in no way surprises me, because your descent into begging and pleading as soon as she pushes your buttons is extremely unattractive.

I have no idea why you want this girl back after her behavior that you earlier described.... but

so i kind of made an immature move and messaged her.

It sounds like it was a bit long, but at least you put a little spine into it and told her to respect your position and you wouldn't be a puppet. Now you need to back that up with actions.

Going no contact properly is not only the best thing for you, to heal and move on, but paradoxically is the best thing to enhance whatever marginal chance there is that one day she'll take another look at you. (and I'm guessing that is what you still really want, deep down).

So - No contact means no looking at her social media, and not engaging with her. When you bump into her, wave her away and keep going. If she insists on talking and being dramatic, be polite, then just smile and walk away - do not respond.

Withdrawing all your attention from her is the best way to get her's back at some point.

Keep working on yourself. Do not concern yourself with "proving" anything to her. If you have really improved she will notice.

One last point:

...NC. But should I just set a goal for like 4 months or something. .

No contact, from the dumpee's POV, is forever.

There is no 30/60/120 whatever days rule, that is a something peddled by youtube coaches who want you to pay them your money.

If you contact a dumper - ever - they are most like going to see it as weak and unattractive. You undo your good work and revert to day 1.

Obviously you are going to see this girl on campus, and you need to be polite, but you do not need to engage with her about your past relationship. It is dead, she has another guy, and it is not worth talking about. You do have the opportunity to withdraw your attention from her, and improve yourself and move on. Even if it is hard to do at first, the more you actually do it, the easier it will get. And even if you are not doing it for yourself at first, but because you are holding onto hope and game playing, over time as you properly do NC, you will find yourself enjoying the journey, and forgetting about the destination.

Kia Kaha.

Agree with RayRay. Your best recourse is to block and delete her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media. Avoid her and do not entertain chitchat, if she stops and says hi, simply smile and walk away. Be busy and act busy. Also it's not up to her whether you move on, it's up to you. Why not get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start messaging and meeting women. Remember...moving on is in your hands.

someone else can reap the benefits

The truth is I would do anything to be with this girl RayRay. I mean yes you are right I haven't done a true form of NC and that's completely my fault. Just did not want to put in as much work as I have for this relationship making it a priority. And not have the girl I want in return. I think there could be a chance she comes back. But we'll see.

The truth is I would do anything to be with this girl RayRay.

 

I think there could be a chance she comes back. But we'll see.

Only time, and time spent wisely improving yourself, in no contact, is going to pull you out of this morass.

Like I said, maybe it'll re-attract her - but more likely you move on to a better relationship with someone new.

It is a journey, not a destination.

Immerse yourself in it.

Rayray out.