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Thread: Girlfriend met Ex for coffee behind my back - but told me in the end

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend met Ex for coffee behind my back - but told me in the end

    I once spent many a day on this board (shamefully so if you'd read my horror story), so having learnt from past mistakes I'm back to ask for some more advice.

    I'm in a new relationship (3 months) with a great girl (24, I'm 32). Having come off the back of a long term relationship, I dated a bit before being set up by mutual friends. We live about 90 miles apart, so at this time we're taking it at our own pace - mostly spending weekends together. We've enjoyed weekends away, I've met her parents and close friends and feel like there is some longevity. She's been single / dating for about a year, having had a bad relationship with a guy who she now considers to be a complete (enter expletive here...). We've had few a conversation on the thing's he's said / done to her that did infuriated me, but the past is the past and I was under the impression that she wanted nothing else to do with him.

    Her ex has cropped up on a number of occasions, as he texts her to "meet up" etc.. She's typically quite open about this, as she doesn't hold much of a filter. I'm not the jealous or possessive type, so I've not questioned it. She's told me earlier in our relationship that she had agreed to meet him, but cancelled as she knew i wouldn't particularly like it (who would).

    Roll on to last night, and I went to visit her. We were having a great night and she bought up that the ex had text her with an urgent "i need to see you message" earlier in the week. Thinking the worst (his dad was terminally ill) - she actually agreed to meet him for coffee locally. Turns out it wasn't urgent and he needed an emotional crutch to vent about how he lost his job and he wanted advice on how to get into the teaching (Her profession). It lasted 30 mins, and she left completely cut of emotion - but riddled with guilt. She apparently had been worried about telling me all week, and even questioned whether it was worth mentioning because it was so meaningless.

    I don't ask for much from a relationship - but honest is something i value highly. Whilst she was always going to tell me (and I believe her), she thought it was cruel to do it over the phone / text. I disagreed, and said that whilst she doesn't have to justify her decisions to me, being open is part of building trust. Even more so when theres distance. She'd spoken to her mum & flat mate about it, but failed to mention it to me. She's told me I can look through her phone (which I'm obviously not interested in) to see she hasn't spoken to him since, and that she's no interest in seeing him again.

    I guess what I'm asking is should I be bothered / angry about this? I'm not jealous of him, I'm more concerned that she wouldn't tell me from the off. I'm mindful of the age gap, which whilst she is mature for her age, makes me think we'd deal with this situation differently. I've actually cancelled on my ex (to give her some of her old stuff back) because I wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

    Advice welcome.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member icantsay's Avatar
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    To me, it sounds like she did the right thing and thereís nothing to be upset about here.. Sure, mayyybe she could have told you earlier what was happening, but life never goes that way and itís important that you are not controlling about these things. She did tell you and was honest.. I wouldnít get angry, because 1) she will become afraid of making you upset in the future and less likely to tell you things (itíll do the opposite of what you want to achieve... trust me on this) and 2) you should trust her and be okay with this happening in the first place... she didnít cheat, she just checked up on him.. This is not something you can decide for her, and the more flexible you are about these types of things, the more happy you both will be in the relationship.

    Of course, I know itís not easy or fun to accept that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is meeting with an ex. But I think itís more common than what we make it to be. And really, itís not that big of a deal.
    Last edited by icantsay; 06-09-2018 at 12:51 PM. Reason: Typos! My phone...

  3. #3
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    I think it's good that she told you, but she needs better boundaries.

    If she thinks he's awful and knows he's likely got ulterior motives in asking to see her, she should know better than to concede to him.

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    Oh, boy. I thought you were a nice guy, but suddenly jealousy rears it's ugly head. This is so much a guy thing, not liking another guy peeing in their perceived territory.

    She didn't need to tell you at all, and I think she should have kept it her business. But women build bonding and trust with other women by sharing information like this, and she wanted to do it face to face with you so you could see her and know that she was conned into meeting her ex and he meant nothing to her anymore.

    However, you immediately reacted like a guy, getting all jealous, trying to blame her for -- what, exactly? She didn't do anything wrong. This has nothing to do with her being young. This is the way women communicate important things. I guess you're saying that if she was older she wouldn't have told you?

    Stop acting all jealous and possessive. Don't be like the boyfriend she dumped a year ago. Keep in mind that the age gap and the miles between you increase the odds of you both breaking up with each other. Don't increase the odds by being a controlling and angry boyfriend. You should have hugged her and told her everything was all right instead of having an argument about her not telling you soon enough. It sounds like you have a gem of a girl. Don't ruin it. Tell her you're sorry and you didn't understand. That you were jealous and you weren't thinking.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Not sure I'd call it a guy thing. There are plenty of women who would be upset in this situation.

    That said, and I may be among the minority, I fail to see any reason you should have been informed at all. If it was truly a platonic deal, meeting up for a 30 minute coffee chat, something one would do with any friend, then it should be treated as a meeting with any friend, meaning I don't need it included in the bulleted of notable daily events. In fact, I think if you were to meet up with someone and feel compelled to then confess it, then it's a sign that you see that person as ex first, friend second, and that there's something there that should probably preclude a meetup. However, in this case, I give her a pass as she was appealing to your insecurities.

    While we can debate on how proper it is to emotionally lean on an ex, fact is she's the type who is willing to be that shoulder, and you have to observe that and react accordingly. You weren't slighted, but you're well within your right to leave her to pursue other women who might have more rigid boundaries.

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    I would say it can be natural to feel it is Less than ideal for you - you canít help feeling that. But regardless you shouldnt show that concern in the best interest of the relationship - simply say you understand, you appreciate the heads up and that you are a trusting and not a jealous person so itís all cool. That will get you the most respect from your girlfriend and she will not feel itís an issue she cannot speak to you about.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by T99
    I would say it can be natural to feel it is Less than ideal for you - you canít help feeling that. But regardless you shouldnt show that concern in the best interest of the relationship - simply say you understand, you appreciate the heads up and that you are a trusting and not a jealous person so itís all cool. That will get you the most respect from your girlfriend and she will not feel itís an issue she cannot speak to you about.
    Thanks for the response.

    That is effectively how it played out in the first instance. I know the sort of person she is, and i told her that i expected her to meet him at some point. I told her not to worry about it, and it's certainly not something I she needs to be concerned about. I even stressed that she owe me know justification for her decisions, nore do I need a running report as I've no interest in "checking up on her".

    I came on here to filter should I feel any differently..

  9. #8
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    Really appreciate the response.

    I don't think it reacted badly, if anything it falls in line with what you've said. It's not fun, but I trust her and her caring mentality.

    I don't want to draw further attention to it, but is it worth me re-iterating this and speaking to her? I don't want to open up again, but want to be clear with her that I honestly don't feel that concerned by it.

  10. #9
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    Completely agree - I've no interest in a hour by hour commentary of her life! I'm certainly not that person.

    She said she wasn't going to tell me as she considered it so insignificant, so I probably agree that she was appealing to my minor insecurities. Confiding in her flat mate and mother is completely logical.

    I want to clarify all this, but don't want it to feel like I've been festering on it?

    Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it.

  11. #10
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    I wouldn't say it's a jealousy thing at all. I certainly don't think she's my territory and need to protect.

    I agree, i appreciate her face to face communication. I wasn't angry at her at all, quite the opposite and I didn't blame her for anything as there's no fault to bare. We didn't have an argument, I'm not jealous of the guy nor do I feel like i've been possessive. We hugged it out after dinner, met friends for drinks and it was done.

    I came on here as I was wanted a wide opinion on should I be feeling differently to how I am.

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