Ex Sent Apology Message, Should I Reply?

Hi everyone, I received an apology message from my ex and I need some advice on what to do. I know it's long but please bear with me and I would appreciate any comment and advice!

We saw each other 2 months and were together in a relationship for just over a year. She is very outgoing, social-able, prefer to do things with people rather than by herself kind of girl. It was mainly good, but few months in we started to have arguments, mainly when I have a different idea on opinion or doing something, and when I challenge her on her words or actions.

I started to wonder why she have this 2-sided personalities: she seemed confident, nice and kind when she was with her friends and new people, but her insecure traits comes out when she was with me or her family. I had seen her in arguments with her family many times, when things don't go her way or when she is not the right one. She always had to have the last word when she's with me or her family.

Fast forward to 10 months into the relationship, she found a job that required her to move cities which is 7 hours drive away. It was talked briefly that she should not miss the chance and should move now, and I'll move to join her once my work contract is up during summer. We saw each other about once every 2 weeks, but we didn't see each other in the last month before breaking up as I was very busy with a big project.

I went to meet with her the weekend once the project was finished. It was mainly good but it definitely felt different, and she was messaging with her male colleague quite often. One night when we were having dinner, the male colleague messaged her and she started to reply straight away. I then said this isn't right and we started this serious conversation.

She said she didn't know anyone in this new city, and she missed hanging out with people. Then because this colleague is single, he had all the free time to show her around the city, and grab drinks after work. He became a close friend of her, but she said there's nothing more than friends.

I then said I understand (I knew she like to be surrounded by people), and I'm now ready to put in effort to make our relationship stronger, if you are willing to, cause it takes both sides to make it work. She didn't give me an answer, and instead said she doesn't know what she wants right now. And because I have learnt from my past relationships, I know what that meant. We got back to the flat, same question, and the same blank response.

I slept on the sofa that night, and left her flat the next morning. And I blocked her on everything and went NC that day (I know the drill by now). 3 weeks later, her best friend pass on a message to me from her. It's a 1 or 2 paragraphs long apology message. Saying most problems in our relationship were caused by her, because of the issues from her last relationship, which she had not fix. She can't change anything, just apologise. But she has not mentioned what issues she has.

Normally I would stay in NC.

But I'm glad to see that she has realised her issues and that she is going to work on them now.

I wonder if I should send a short reply so she know we are in good terms, and that we can chat again after some time when we have both work on self-improve?

Last thing I want is not saying anything now, and she think that I would never want to talk to her again?

Please give me your perspectives, thanks!

If your goal is to eventually get back together, yes, I think you should unblock her and respond to her.

To me, it sounds like your relationship faltered due to circumstances (the distance, work contracts, busy with a big project, etc). As a result, you both kind of let the relationship slip away. She was lonely.

I don’t think this is a typical situation of her simply being a bad person or losing interest in you under normal circumstances.

Personally, I think you should unblock and respond - but keep your expectations low. If you feel she is starting to play with your emotions or it all becomes too much, you can always block her again.

To me, this relationship could be salvageable.

It seems like she masks her insecurity in social validation -- she is relying on other people to make her feel ways that she needs to feel for herself.

She took a difficult relationship situation (temporary long distance, some issues in the relationship) and decided to start seeing someone else very quickly (if it were truly just friends, you wouldn't have had the issue coming up). She proved that if she feels uncomfortable, she will seek that social validation in another man, and when she's getting that social validation, she's willing to let it progress beyond a friendship.

She has her issues, sure. I don't think they're that profound, but if you stay involved with this woman (and end up reconciling), then I think she'll end up cheating on you at some point, especially after you set a precedent that this is okay.

I think this is a situation in which the relationship is best mourned and put in the past. If you want to be her friend, go for it, but you might prolong her own unhappiness because she'll miss the social validation that you gave her when being in the role of a boyfriend.

If it were me: I'd give her a response that mentions this grievance, tell her that it's for the best given the situation that you two have no contact whatsoever, and move on.

Don't reply. She said she is not going to change.

She had a chance to say to you "we need to fix the distance, lets make a firm plan" - but she didn't.

Maybe she'll come back in 6 months and act like a mature adult, but don't hold your breath. Move on.

did she mention or hint at in her apology letter that she would want to reconcile?

at any rate since there seems to be nothing mean or manipulative going on, I would write back a short message just saying thank you or something. So at least you are on good terms.

I'm actually in the reverse situation and thinking of writing my ex an apology letter. Eventhough I know we are probably not meant to be together for life, things ended badly and I regret alot of my actions in the relationship. So Im carrying this guilt that I want to eliviate. Anyway because it would pain me to hear back from him unless reconciliation is an option (which it wont be) i would write in my letter specifically not to contact me back. So unless your ex-gf wrote something like that, i think its ok to write back to stay on good terms and if you want to stay open to her in the future

Thanks for everyones replies so far, they are very helpful!

I don't think there are hints on reconcile in her message.

I might have missed it, but then she didn't make it clear enough for me to pick it up if there were any to start with.

My head is still debating on to reply or not and I'm still not so sure.

Some reflections:

- I was set and made it clear to her that I'm happy to put in efforts to make it work. However, she wasn't sure.

- She is insecure inside, and definitely needs validation from people, and always be the "right one"

- She showed me that she just need to be with people all the time, when I wasn't there, she found herself hanging with her male colleague.

Those points are why I didn't hesitate to go NC and not spoke since we last saw.

But then she sent me that apology message.

Which nailed the fundamental issues on what's wrong and causing the relationship to go downhill.

I was honestly glad to hear she realised that and is going to work on those issues (she said she will start now anyway)

And that's what made me think twice now.

On one hand I think this could just be her trying to relieve her guilt, and give herself a closure.

On the other hand, because she has always been honest with me, and she was never manipulative to me. I quite want to make it clear that we are on good terms, and after some time when we have both work on ourselves, we can talk again then.

Will people with these kind of insecure traits ever change?

I personally would respond, I think if someone reaches out to apologise then you should at least accept the apology, even if it is just to leave things on good terms.

If you want to reconcile ignoring her will push her away and even if you don't I think the fact that she's went to the effort of getting a friend to pass on the message shows she has some remorse for her actions.

Yes, I agree.

If she got her friend to pass on the message, the message isn’t going to go into a bunch of details. I mean... her friend was reading it. She is simply trying to open the door to communication since you blocked her.

To answer your direct question, though, no - I don’t think all of her insecurities will go away. But to be fair, I think that the situation would have also been hard for someone without insecurities.

Will people with these kind of insecure traits ever change?

Yes, I'm positive that people with these kinds of insecure traits can change, and how long it takes totally depends on the situation and people involved. I think when people say that "people don't change", it's just them trying a bit too hard to be gung-ho about saying "Forget the exes! Move on!"

I'd be more worried about the dynamic formed between you and her, though. She might change, but have already set precedents in her that would make her act in old ways when interacting with you. In other words, she might be able to be an improved person with somebody else, but it's less likely for her to be an improved person with you. If you were to reconcile with her, then you would have to work to create a new dynamic with her, which honestly might not be worth the effort when compared to learning from the mistakes and starting a new relationship elsewhere.

Yes, people can grow up, change, mature, etc. Thing is that saying they will and actually doing it successfully are two completely different things.

She may have apologized to alleviate guilt, or seek attention, or even because things aren't working out with her "friend". What she didn't say is that she'd like to give things with you another shot. So I think you need to put that out of your mind completely and keep on moving on. Your first decision to end things was the correct one.

That said, nothing stopping you from being civil and simply acknowledging her apology, something simple like "Appreciate the apology and wish you well on your life journey."

In your shoes, I would not contemplate getting back together with her at all. Even IF she is successful in changing herself, it will take a minimum of a year or two to accomplish that. It would also involve her being single and not leaning on people for support and validation - the very issue she is trying to fix. You can't sit around and wait for that. IF a couple of years down the road you find yourself single and you bump into each other, then you can maybe see if you are both still interested.

Yes respond, but just say thanks, and wish her all the best.

Thanks again for everyone's replies.

Yes I agree and I think she deserves a message from me acknowledge her apology.

"Appreciate your apology, and glad to hear that you have realised the issues and are going to work on them. I wish you all the best and hope our paths will cross again."

Does that sound alright?

Think the chances of us bumping into each other in the future will be very slim, different cities etc. But you never know right?

In moments like these I always revert to one thought:

"if it was important to her, then she wouldn't risk losing you to begin with"

She relieved her guilt with an apology.

I didn't read even a hint of a maybe or any future talk, friendship or otherwise. Because if it was important to her, she would have said so. But she didn't.

It doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her the wrong person for you.

I am sorry this happened.

In moments like these I always revert to one thought:

 

"if it was important to her, then she wouldn't risk losing you to begin with"

 

She relieved her guilt with an apology.

I didn't read even a hint of a maybe or any future talk, friendship or otherwise. Because if it was important to her, she would have said so. But she didn't.

 

It doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her the wrong person for you.

I am sorry this happened.

That is true.

I kept telling myself that as well in the past couple weeks.

Do you think I should reply to her apology then?

That is true.

I kept telling myself that as well in the past couple weeks.

 

Do you think I should reply to her apology then?

That's up to you. Do you think you can respond without experiencing any disappointment or setbacks?

How would you feel if she didn't acknowledge your reply?

You could simply respond with a thank you and wish her well.

Or. . if it's in your best interest, not saying anything is perfectly understandable.

no do not say 'i hope our paths cross again".

just say "thanks for the apology" or don't respond at all

That's up to you. Do you think you can respond without experiencing any disappointment or setbacks?

How would you feel if she didn't acknowledge your reply?

You could simply respond with a thank you and wish her well.

Or. . if it's in your best interest, not saying anything is perfectly understandable.

I'm not going to expect any reply at all.

I know she has to work on her issues and that will take considerable amount of time. That's why I'm not expecting us to get back now, I would prefer to stay on good terms, both move on and see what happens in the future. If we will meet again or not.

I think the message that I'm planning to send her is quite "to the point" and nothing that she can reply to.

"Appreciate your apology, and glad to hear that you have realised the issues and are going to work on them. I wish you all the best and hope our paths will cross again."

Just wondering if that reply is too much?

no do not say 'i hope our paths cross again".

 

just say "thanks for the apology" or don't respond at all

Too cheesy? Lol

I will take that bit out, thanks!

I'm not going to expect any reply at all.

I know she has to work on her issues and that will take considerable amount of time. That's why I'm not expecting us to get back now, I would prefer to stay on good terms, both move on and see what happens in the future. If we will meet again or not.

 

I think the message that I'm planning to send her is quite "to the point" and nothing that she can reply to.

"Appreciate your apology, and glad to hear that you have realised the issues and are going to work on them. I wish you all the best and hope our paths will cross again."

Just wondering if that reply is too much?

Too much. Depending on her state of mind "hope our paths cross again" comes off as a promise (ie, to work on herself in order to get you back when you meet again) and telling her "glad she realized her issues" could = "you are messed up and i am glad you realized it"

Just say " I appreciate the apology. I wish you the best".

If you want to get back with her, respond. If not, assume she did it to assuage her guilt for cheating once she moved away.

Too much. Depending on her state of mind "hope our paths cross again" comes off as a promise (ie, to work on herself in order to get you back when you meet again) and telling her "glad she realized her issues" could = "you are messed up and i am glad you realized it"

 

Just say " I appreciate the apology. I wish you the best".

I've not thought about it that way before but that makes sense, thanks

If you want to get back with her, respond. If not, assume she did it to assuage her guilt for cheating once she moved away.

a short respond to say thanks for the apology right?

I think I'll do that, leave it there and move on.

 

"Appreciate your apology, and glad to hear that you have realised the issues and are going to work on them. I wish you all the best and hope our paths will cross again."

 

I don't know why that made me chuckle.

But from the other side I would read that as. . "thanks for owning your shyt and admitting you are messed up . .but I'll still be here waiting when you realize the mistake you made"

Yah. . don't send that :)

Just an update, I have sent a message to her:

I appreciate the apology. I wish you all the best.

Not expecting a reply, I mean there's nothing to reply to really.

Thank you all again for leaving messages and giving me advice.

Excellent. Nice and to the point.

Just an update, I have sent a message to her:

I appreciate the apology. I wish you all the best.