When to file for divorce myself?

Here’s the short version of my story….

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6 of those years.

Almost 6 weeks ago we argued about her staying out all hours of the night with some new friends she made a couple of months ago. She then decided to tell me “she loves me, but she’s not in love with me anymore”……complete blindside. I immediately went into groveling mode and took full ownership of our marriage going down the tubes. I asked her if she would go to counseling with me and she said it’s too late. She then decided she needed to get away for the day to think and I agreed to give her the day. Of course, I texted her and sent her e-mails to try and change her mind, and I got zero response. She came back the next morning and packed a suitcase of clothes and said she’s leaving and there’s nothing that will change her mind, she was cold and emotionless.

I was in meltdown mode the first week of her absence, but I resisted the urge contact her. I went to visit some friends out of town the following weekend, and I got my spirits back. I felt guilty for feeling a sense of relief from the fact that I only had to worry about myself (and our dog, she left our dog that she claimed to love so much). Then I went back into a downward spiral of self-pitty again the week after that. It’s been a rollercoaster since then, I’ve been up, down, sideways, you name it, it’s crazy! At the moment I feel pretty good.

Fast forward to now (6 weeks later). She’s come by the house to get all of her clothes and things (minus furniture). I’ve taken all the pictures down, and just the other day I moved all of the furniture that was clearly hers into her empty spot in the garage (I couldn't keep looking at all of her stuff in the house). I have not contacted her since she left, she has contacted me a few times about a couple of bills I typically paid (I’ve continued to pay all the bills I was responsible for). Deep down I would take her back in a heartbeat if she changed her mind, however, I know that’s not going to happen. I also know she needs to decide on her own and it can’t come from me trying to influence her. So I’ve done my best to move forward in my new direction.

Here’s my dilemma…..I have not been served divorce papers. I’m not sure if I should just keep waiting for her? My friends think she’s going to make me divorce her. This will sound silly, but 6 weeks ago before she left I told her I wouldn’t divorce her and if she wants this then she needs to go make it happen because I don’t want a divorce and I won't do it.

Some days I feel strong enough to go visit a lawyer and get the ball rolling myself and some days I’m not ready for it yet. I’m also worried that I have a lot to lose financially in this divorce and it terrifies me. I make more than 3x as much money as my wife, I owned a home before our marriage that now has a decent amount of equity and I have a nice retirement. We don’t have any children, so I suppose that’s a plus.

Thanks for any advice.

I would seek an attorney and find out what your options are. Every state differs. If your home was your home before you married her, a six year wife is not going to be given half the house. Unless you lived there only a year prior. If her name is on the deed might be a different story. The magic number seems to be 10 years of marriage unless there are children involved. I would just listen to what they have to say --- you don't have to file, you just have to know what your options are so that you won't be so afraid. Also, maybe it is good to ask the attorney if you need to file a legal separation (some states require it before divorce) so that any income or assets or bills you accrue from the day she left won't have anything to do with her and vice versa.

abitbroken,

Thanks for the response, that's some logical advice. It's so hard to think logically through this, it's crazy. I owned the home for 2.5 years before our marriage. I refinanced it 2 years ago and I was required to put her on the deed then (didn't think I'd be facing divorce a few years later).

Thanks again.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I've been through it and it's tough. I'd second abitbroken's advice and seek out an attorney immediately. With respect to finances, the home was a pre-marital asset but contributions toward the mortgage and appreciation of the asset would be fair game. Spousal maintenance *could* be on the table, perhaps even temporary, to help her get back on her feet. If it is then consider a up front lump sum as opposed to paying out over a certain period of time. I say this because it will help you sever ties more completely and help you move on quicker. Discuss these points with an attorney and take the initiative on filing.

I too think you should talk to a lawyer to get some clarity on all things legal that you should know. There's no reason to rush a divorce if you aren't ready to do that. Some people separate and never get divorced. I dont think you are thinking as clearly as you need to be so dont rush anything other than getting some legal advice.

Also, you say you'd take her back. Well think of this, if she walked out the door on you once what makes you think she wouldn't do that again???

Get advice from a lawyer just incase, but don't file until you are ready. Don't do it to get a response, don't do it as retaliation, do it because you've reached a point of clarity and you're ready.

My marriage was not a good one and I had to be the one to file, and I was ready, and it still hurt to hear the words "you are now divorced" the finalization of it all is a lot to take in, I can't imagine how bad it must feel for those who don't really want it.

Classic scenario. Be prepared for another "man" in the picture, OP. It's time to spend some good coin on a bulldog of a lawyer to make sure she doesn't get ish. She's gone, be prepared for a nasty fight. You could use her affair haze to your advantage and strike first (with your lawyer's concurrence, that is).

Sky is accurate when he tells of the other man.

If you were compatible, and your marriage wasn't forced or trapped:

The emotional affair most likely started a year ago, and went physical approximately six months later.

This person is someone you know, or heard her talk admiringly of.

Once you start taking concrete steps to remove her from your life she will increase her contact with you.

Reason being, weak husbands (I didn't say unloving), play a role in the cheating experience. (Revenge motivation)

Only when the husband indicates his acceptance, whether real or not, does the veil begins to be lifted from the person she's been idolizing.

At that point, she will become frightened.

And she should be!

To fully understand infidelity, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL, with today's vengeful, watered-down versions.)

I told her I wouldn’t divorce her and if she wants this then she needs to go make it happen because I don’t want a divorce and I won't do it.

Good. Never operate against your own best interests. What would be your rush to pay large sums of money for something you don't even want?

Get closure in some other way--a divorce paper won't give it to you. You're in grief, so get counseling to help you through it. Research '5 stages of grief' to learn why everything you'll cycle through won't mean that you're crazy. They're not neat and linear stages, they're a mish-mosh of aspects of each stage that will likely be repetitive until you work them through.

See an attorney to learn your options and the best steps for each. Don't put this off, as it can prevent you from actions that could potentially harm you financially, and find out whether a legal separation will offer you any protections, such as liberation from any debt she incurs now.

Write more if it helps.

Sorry to hear this. Agree you need an attorney. Where is she staying? Unfortunately it sounds very much like she's having an affair. What do you mean by your contribution to marriage "going down the tubes"?

Almost 6 weeks ago we argued about her staying out all hours of the night with some new friends she made a couple of months ago. She then decided to tell me “she loves me, but she’s not in love with me anymore”.

Hate to say this but if I were you, I'd hire a good PI and find out what your wife is actually up to. Marriages break down, but the way she just went cold, packed her bags and left... is a bit odd. I'd also go talk to the best divorce lawyer in town. Doesn't mean you need to file today, but you need to have a good grasp of the process and how to protect yourself in case things get ugly. As for alimony, it's not really handed out like people imagine, especially in short term marriages. Either way, you need to learn the facts and how it would play out in your particular situation.

Print the thread in the link I'm about to post and read, memorize, and implement it. Dude handled it like a boss (deserves a hall of fame/sticky for this): https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546740

I remember contemplating divorce and was frozen with the idea of consulting with an attorney. I was advised to do so (by my therapist) and was simply told -

`Knowledge is power, that's all. You do not have to make a decision, but go find out where you stand'

It was the best decision, albeit difficult, I made at that time. I did feel empowered, armed with the knowledge of what I was entitled to and what the future might hold.

I didn't act on it at that time, but when I was emotionally ready to it just made a painful situation just that much more doable.

Print the thread in the link I'm about to post and read, memorize, and implement it. Dude handled it like a boss (deserves a hall of fame/sticky for this): https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546740

Knightman is a boss.

He was lucky to have supportive in-laws or soon to be ex in-laws as well. I think that was a small part in the formula -- not taking anything away from him, of course!