Took gf for granted, now shes gone. Any hope?

I split up with my gf of 5 years around 6 weeks ago. Things were generally very good until the last 3/4 weeks when i became stressed over a job redundancy thats been hanging over me for 4 months since xmas and a house project im working on thats taking up a lot of money and time. I unintentionally emotionally withdrew and saw her less and less without realising. She said she felt unloved and unwanted and had enough and ended it. I became consumed by the house.

Logistics :SHes 28 with a child of 7, i am 37 no kids of my own. We had just started trying for one of our own. She lived around 25 miles from me for the last 6 months of the relationship, moved back in with her parents to save money for a home for us to buy together next year when i finish renovating the home i bought to update and sell on for a lot of profit. We never lived together but spent every weekend together and went on holidays/activites etc as a family of 3. Me and the child get on extremely well. She wants me to be her Dad. I took on too much buying a house in major disrpeair to fix for us all to live in

Around early February the absent father of the child came back on the scene at the childs request ( My ex hates him for leaving her alone with child when she was born, she doesnt want him back) this set off her anxiety and she started acting odd but i reassured her he will not take the child away from her and she calmed down and everything went back to normal. Around the same time i suffered a head injury which seems to have given me anxiety/head trauma even though i am now fine at the time i was confused and dazed, i had concussion.

I am a 24 hour shift worker so we agreed i'd see her 3 times a week at her parents which went well, her parents love me and vice versa, however the old house i bought for us to move into started to suffer, i was not getting enough done. I wanted the girls to be with me in that house ASAP living together. So typical male mode engaged i went into the house like a bulldozer and spent all my time there getting it ready for us all but, i was so deep into it, i didnt realise i hadnt seen my partner or stepdaughter that much. IN fact through the whole of Feb i only spent 2 days with them, unacceptable i know, my intenmtions were good but i ed up big time.

End of Feb id got most of what i wanted to do on the house done and spoke to my gf over FB and she was distant and cold. About 3 days before we broke up she deleted all the pics of me off her FB but left up that we were in a relationship. I asked her what si going on and she basically stated that for the last 3/4 weeks shes asked to see me many times and 90% of the time i rejected her. I said i would never reject you i just want to work on the house so we can all finally live together and its nearly done. She said ok then, i guess all relationships have up and downs and things seemed to be better at least. THen a few days later she messaged me sayng "its not working, you dont have time for me, you push me away,i feel unloved and not secure". I went into simple male mode again and tried to fix things, making thhings worse but i think she just needed me to sohw understading. She was very angry so i agreed to the break up. The end vibe was bad.

She wanted to be friends as i'm still her favurite adult in the world i said i cannot, i love you too much, i have to move on. I went NC, she kept messaging me silly things and memes for a week but i ignored them. About 3 weeks ago after the split my housemate told me, while i was on night shift, she confided him in Feb that she felt unloved and neglected, she appreciated the fact i was doing all the work on the home for her but it was too much and she burst into tears. Had i known this sooner of course it would have snapped me out of it but he never told me as he didnt think it important (?????)

I sent her a message on FB after hearing this apologising for neglecting her, it was unintentional and i was sorry i made her feel worthless. I didnt beg for her back etc anything needy like that. It was a genuine apology.

SHe read it and then 3 days later she starts messaging me, tagging me in things across all kinds of social media but i was out with friends on a public holiday and drunk so kept interaction civil and to a minimum in case i said something stupid. She said maybe we can meet for a chat and see if we can sort things out in the AM? I said ok. In the AM she messaged me saying she can still come over to talk but will there be much point? I said it takes both of us to talk to try and work it out and if you dont seem that bothered maybe best leave it (Kicking myself here, a test maybe? She felt unsecure so maybe i should have been m,ore like yes we are worth fighting for or at least trying via talking it over)

Anyway NC again for 3 weeks till the other night, she comes over to get some belongings. The vibe is fairly positive, we have a short little physical wrestle, not sexual, while disassembling some of her furniture, she asks me to go for a drink with her so we spend an hour asking what each other have been upto etc. Our natural rapport is still there and when i start being cocky/funny shes still obviously attracted blushing, looking up and down, laughing at me and the table but shes also seemsaware thats shes being re-attracted so changes whatever the subject is completely and makes things slightly awkward to protect herself from falling for me again.

I have been a complete , i got consumed by the house and the redundancy and i acknowledged this with and she said she kept trying to give me warnings to change my behaviour and give her some of my time that she wants but i missed them and clearly didnt listen enough to her. As things stand we are in NC again now. ANything i can do or is this done?

It's a little bit hard to believe that someone will toss away 5 years worth of a good relationship just like that...because you weren't that available for 30 days working on the house for ALL of you. Personally, I think there is much more to this and to her ending things with you so abruptly....like the baby daddy being back on the scene....perhaps....or some other deeper issues within your relationship that she simply never shared. Either way, I think this relationship is actually over and I don't think it's your fault or neglect that caused it. It's something more there......

Sorry to hear this. It seems the timeline of the breakup coincides with this:

Around early February the absent father of the child came back on the scene

It's a little bit hard to believe that someone will toss away 5 years worth of a good relationship just like that...because you weren't that available for 30 days working on the house for ALL of you. Personally, I think there is much more to this and to her ending things with you so abruptly....like the baby daddy being back on the scene....perhaps....or some other deeper issues within your relationship that she simply never shared. Either way, I think this relationship is actually over and I don't think it's your fault or neglect that caused it. It's something more there......

It is definitely not the return of the dad in the way i think you mean, romantically. I should clarify hes been absent the last 2/3 years only. He has been around the kid during our relationship for the first half. It's not that her long lost love has returned. 100% sure of that. She said when he was returning that she needed my support in the upcoming times as she was anxious he would walk back in our lives and she would lose her daughters love, despite this warning i just wasn't there. She also continually messaged me saying she misses me, loves me, wants to say me and i just kept saying no i am too busy.

Wiseman yes i also agree the return started the downfall but not because she has any interest in him.

Thank you for your replies. She has to come back 1 more time to get the childs furniture. I think i will wish her best and block her once thats done.

It's a little bit hard to believe that someone will toss away 5 years worth of a good relationship just like that...because you weren't that available for 30 days working on the house for ALL of you. Personally, I think there is much more to this and to her ending things with you so abruptly....like the baby daddy being back on the scene....perhaps....or some other deeper issues within your relationship that she simply never shared. Either way, I think this relationship is actually over and I don't think it's your fault or neglect that caused it. It's something more there......

I agree.

3 or 4 weeks of tension and stress out of 5 years is not that much, considering you were working on preparing a home for all of you. Could you have been more attentive to her? Probably. But is that the whole story behind her sudden departure? I don't believe so.

I know it's painful to consider, OP, but I think her ex has gotten into her head a lot more than you knew.

I accept theres more to it than meets the eye but it's definitely not the ex. Maybe she had her turned elsewhere and thought this would be a good time to run but she has no repsect for the ex.

She said he is not a man, he is a coward. She said i am the only man who has ever set boundaries and not took her nonsense etc.

SHe said also felt im not commmited as we never lived togehter although obviously i was trying to remedy that. This point is on her.

I think the relationship had been eroded away long before you noticed anything.

Possibly, she said to me the other day that the only problem in our relationship was that i never listened to her needs so i may have been sleepwalking

I accept theres more to it than meets the eye but it's definitely not the ex. Maybe she had her turned elsewhere and thought this would be a good time to run but she has no repsect for the ex.

 

She said he is not a man, he is a coward. She said i am the only man who has ever set boundaries and not took her nonsense etc.

 

SHe said also felt im not commmited as we never lived togehter although obviously i was trying to remedy that. This point is on her.

People will say a lot of things....but look at her actions. Sorry, but the timing, the way she just took off. It wasn't about you and it wasn't about those 30 days. Stop blaming yourself because she isn't being honest with you about what's really actually going on with her.

Ok, will take that advice on board because thats whats making me feel bad more than splitting up. Thank you.

wow if someone was working on a house for ME I would not dump them so hastily.... especially if you guys have been together for 5 years. something also tells me your ex is not telling you the WHOLE truth. My theory too.... is she may have gotten the 'grass is greener' syndrome when her ex reappeared.

I also think you need to pay attention to her actions, OP.

The timing between her pulling away and the ex coming back is too coincidental to be dismissed so easily. She claims you never listened to her, and yet you were working on preparing a home for all of you?

I'm sorry man, but she is not being totally honest with you.

Unfortunately 5 yrs no commitment/no living together + babydaddy back in picture + ignoring her = breakup

SHe said also felt im not commmited as we never lived togehter

Yep, i've made this sound more about the house than it should be. Male logic mode engaged. She just said i treated her like an option, not a choice to be with and after 5 years of being together but not living together she had enough. She was a good girl.

I think there's a possibility of a chance.

I personally would tell her that you will keep the door open and that you still want to reconcile in the future. Tell her that you will do what it takes to better yourself so that the situation doesn't happen again in you taking her for granted, etc. Then let her know that she can contact you when ever she is wanting to try again (if she does).

But also give it a time limit. Don't wait longer then 6 months? 3 months? However long you feel is right.

Then move on for now.

If she get's back hold of you in the time allotted, so be it, if not,...you tried.

Or you could do something crazy and show up at her door with an engagement ring...or not?? It really does depend on how much you want to keep her and what you will try to do so.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Me and my ex were together 4 and a half years but never lived together. We lived about 40 miles apart and each have kids that go to school in our home towns. She wanted us to move in together somewhere in the middle (quite a reasonable request!) and I was hesitant, mainly for selfish and slightly pointless reasons. She gave me ample warnings that she wasn't happy but in my typical short term view, once things seemed good again, I forgot all about that!

She saw that all as me not wanting to commit, which may or may not have been true, and eventually broke up saying that she needed a break to figure out what she wants and that she isn't even sure if she wants a relationship. I'm currently single and trying to move on, as detailed elsewhere on here! I hope it all works out for you two though, there does seem to be some hope amidst the NC!

I don't think there's any hope anymore really. Shame. Big lessons to be learnt here for me.

Sorry to hear of your situation too Steve. Sounds very similar. She wanted to marry me and have my children and I never committed.so I can't blame her although sadly enough house will be finished in a few weeks and I believe we would have gone from strength to strength once we loved together.

One of my best friends has been dumped today for same reason. Been Working too hard. He has 2 kids with his partner of 8 years and she's just dumped him for working away too much and neglect omg his family and her

Yep, i've made this sound more about the house than it should be. Male logic mode engaged. She just said i treated her like an option, not a choice to be with and after 5 years of being together but not living together she had enough. She was a good girl.

This is what I don't understand - surely she knew you were working on the home for all of you to live together? How does she square that line of argument with the house you were all about to live in?

That makes no sense.

Basically we nearly split up last year but sorted it out. Same reaosns, i got too far into other things and stopped seeing her but i caught myself before it was too late. I then made a promise to see her x amount of times a week to make sure it never happened again, i started not seeing her again end of Jan when i got wrapped up in the house and she said i broke my promises. She constatnly asked me to do tihngs with her and i said no to virutally all of them only saw her twice in Feb. She is very insecure and the house project is like 6 months behind, i told her we'd be living together by xmas but things kept going wrong with the house and still are.

It also ties in with the childs father seeing his daughter again and she actually said to me at the start of Feb that it's gonna be a tough time for as she feels he will threaten her relationship with their daughter and shes really gonna need my support so i said of course i'll be there for you but i actually wasnt. The last time we physically saw each other while together i gave her a hug and she burst into tears. I asked what is wrong and she said "do you realise thats the first time you've hugged me in over a month?" I apoligised and said i'll make it upto you. THat same night she dropped me to my car at my home as we had been out on a family day and she said "please come and stay wit me tonight, i love you and miss you. I hate it when we are apart" So what did i do? refused to go over. HEAD NINJA.

I genuinely was oblivious to my behaviour. She simply feels that i dont love her and am just stringing her along based on my behaviour.

The house/not living together was a big problem but it was me being a ty boyfriend. The head injury at the time changed my personality when i looked back over the messages i was an awful partner in FEB. It just unluckily timed and tied in with him returning and she said she felt abandoned by me like how her ex abandoned her before. SO i think ive been lumped in with him in the partner/cant be trusted pot which is fair enough.

She is definitely not back with him but she told me today she went on her first date last night so i said hope it went well and left it at that.

You really did neglect her. :( Hopefully you can learn from this and make changes.

In order to keep a partner you need to make them a priority and make efforts in order to keep them.

If you don't, this is what ends up happening.

I am sorry OP. I hope you can somehow heal from this.

Biggest mistake of my life and she gave me warnings which I didn't see at time. I just thought she would get fed up of not living with me and dump me so I threw all my energy into the house and the outcome was the same. Will learn from this

You weren't oblivious to your behaviour, OP. You already almost broke up once before, she reminded you not so long ago you never spent time together and had become physically withdrawn. You knew it was happening again, but for some reason, you decided to keep doing it. There were warnings from the first time you nearly split up.

So the questions is - do you really love her? Your instinct for a while has been to shut her out and focus on you and your needs. You don't naturally gravitate towards her. That is very telling. Think long and hard about why you wanted so much time and space away from her. Even with the house in the works, you could have made a little time for the relationship. I am curious what you told yourself that made you feel okay with neglecting her to this degree, when she evidently constantly asked to see you.

Unfortunately, especially when her ex resurfaced and rattled her, the neglect was too much to take anymore.

Sorry let me explain during the month of February when I was being neglectful I had not long suffered a head trauma injury. I was constantly dazed and confused and had memory loss. I am feeling much better now though not 100% So she would say something to me and I would take it on board but forget within a day or 2. I assure you when I worked on the house last year pre head injury and realised I was spending too much time on it andnot balancing it with her I stopped and we made the agreement.

I had to run through our months messages post breakup to piece it all together as when she said I was neglectful/taken her for granted I didn't believe her at time but when I went through history she was correct and that's when I sent an apology message.

I'm not trying to cut her out but she doesn't want to talk about it so not much I can do. Plus she's just starting dating again which is her right of course. It hurt when I found out but I deserve it. I caused this.

She's still got some stuff of her daughter's at mine and is messing around getting them. She keeps saying I'll get them and then cancels. It's a kick in the teeth seeing the lil girls things everyday as I've been there since she was 1year old which makes it twice as bad. They are my 2 favourite people The quicker she collects them the quicker we can draw a line under us all I guess.

The reason I spent so much time on house was because I knew she wanted to love with me and I felt she was getting impatient with not living with me. Maybe she just needed reassuring but I went all out getting it ready. I'd rather spend time with the girls than work on the house believe me

This thread is a little hard to follow, OP. I say that only because more and more information is coming to light that paints a much larger context for the break-up, and information that would have been helpful in your initial posts.

Your head trauma adds further context, in terms of your forgetfulness. Surely she knew you had problems with memory and concentration?

In any event, it jumps out at me that she is dating already. How do you know this, and is it someone specific?

Yeah she knew but I tried to pretend it wasn't happening. I felt embarrassed by it so.instead of saying I'm feeling weird due to the injury I'd just close off and pretend everything is fine.

I know she went on a date because she put up a status in Facebook saying 'out for drinks with this guy' He's not someone I've seen before so someone she's met after me and she left it on public so I can see where as the rest of her profile is private (she unfriended me not blocked me I know I shouldn't have looked at her profile). I don't think it's serious with him as she messaged me yesterday saying she's matched in tinder with a guy we both thought was homosexual. Guess she's trying.to rub it in a little here too.