Took gf for granted, now shes gone. Any hope?

[Mike5]

Man, that sounds like torture.

 

Are you sure she had car trouble?

 

Sounds like a way to keep you hooked.

[ninjabib]

Had a look and spring on the one side was hanging down and rattling around.

 

Feel awful now.

[Mike5]

Sorry, man. Hope you get better soon.

[ninjabib]

Thanks Mike. I'm sure I will just feels like I'm back at day 1 for now. Gonna go party and get hammered tonight and forget about it :)

[MissCanuck]

Sorry to hear this, OP.

 

Now you know that she's planning to have her fun and dates others, you can let go of the hope you had. Easier said than done, of course. Just be careful with the booze; too many times people get drunk, emotional and wind up trying to call or message their dumpers. Have fun but resist the temptation to contact her after you've had a few!

[boltnrun]

Please do not get "hammered". First of all, alcohol is a depressant. Second, people tend to "drunk text" when they're intoxicated. For some reason, people think their exes are dying to hear from them when they're drunk. They end up sending cringingly embarrassing texts, then feel obligated to send one "apology" after another after sobering up.

 

Getting "hammered" will compound your problem, not make it better.

[cedricz]

Just venting. She turned up unannounced at 230am while I was asleep. She had been visiting a friend who lives about 2 miles away and was heading home when she had car trouble.

 

The suspension springs had broken on her car so I said she could stay the night at mine. She lives in a village that's very isolated in the countryside so if she had broken down there and the wrong person had driven past who knows what could have happened. Bit dramatic but I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if anything happened to her.

 

We had a little kiss and cuddle and said she loves me and misses me everyday but just cannot see a future together. We had a little further chat and she said She got fed up of waiting for us to live together and she's realised she's never been on her own she goes from relationship to rebound to relationship so she's going to spend a year single.

 

Doing the right thing for her has left me feeling a bit crap this am when I woke up and it's re-awoken the feelings and now she's gone again.

 

Sorry if this is wrong place if there's a venting thread plz move it there.

 

well, that sucks dude

you had a great opportunity for make up sex; that would have turned things around for sure

Now you are back to square one. Keep ignoring and maintain your frame. You told her your conditions and walked away; don't crack

Don't look beta and needy; be cool with whatever happens and maybe she will reconsider. She may need a rebound or two before she realizes the grass ain't greener.

If you handle things correctly, women often boomrang after few months sometime years; depends on what's going on in their life and why you broke up

Some guys recommend to walk away and never look back, others recommend to reach out after 4 months, see what's going on and restart the 4 months timer if she doesn't comply or respond

I guess there is no exact science behind this. Best is to know if she's single or not when you want to reach out and make your own decision

[ninjabib]

I've got drunk many times since we split up and i have never contacted her once. I focus on whats in front of me whatever it may be. I'm never needy or clingy, i hate it myself. One of my superpowers when breaking up with someone is that i have never contacted them first for whats its worth

 

She has literally ignored my wishes so many times over the last 10 days regarding contacting me it's helped in a way. She seems to be struggling with the stress of end of univeristy, lost 15lb when she was only 120 to begin with, she mentioned suicide but she said obvisouly she wont do that but wants to quit her course 2 weeks before the end i said dont be stupid. I think shes having a mental breakdown, her behaviour is erratic to say the least.

 

I did try for the make up sex but she was resistant. Any time a girl im attracted too is in my bed i feel obliged to make a move until they reject. Feck the friendzone with lovers.

 

I did play it cool (on the surface) she would not have seen any weakness but underneath i was close to cracking so i rolled over and said goodnight before i did crack hahah.

[cedricz]

"Any time a girl im attracted too is in my bed i feel obliged to make a move until they reject. Feck the friendzone with lovers."

 

Well, if you get rejected by a girl lying in your bed, you are clearly not doing something right

Dude. She IS in your bed. Any woman going into a man's bed knows what she wants

If she changes her mind, you screwed up somewhere

 

Here it is the ex, so you got an excuse; but yet, if she rejected me, she would get the couch

[ninjabib]

Agreed but don't wanna sound 'rapey'

 

She was in my bed we kissed and put on my tracksuit bottoms which I took as sex is off the cards. It was just weird and I had work in a few hours time. She started some weird food fight too with food she brought in. She's real strange now.

[cedricz]

Agreed but don't wanna sound 'rapey'

 

She was in my bed and put on my tracksuit bottoms which I took as sex is off the cards. It was just weird and I had work in a few hours time. She started some weird food fight too with food she brought in. She's real strange now.

 

that's why you need to keep her away for a while; she seems upset and not able to think rationally. Nothing good can come up from this. Let her get her s together for a month or two

[ninjabib]

I'm trying she keeps coming to me, despite me telling her we can't be friends. It's some weird battle of will but i never back down. I told her again I'd rather we are nothing than some kind of fake friendship.

 

I don't think she likes it.

[MissCanuck]

It was better that you didn't sleep together, OP.

 

There is zero guarantee that having make-up sex would have turned things around. Sure, it might have been a night of fun, but then what? She'd have gone home and continued to check out her prospects on Tinder, knowing you're available to sleep with when she gets lonely. Sex would have been a very unwise move here, so it's truly for the best that she didn't want to go there.

 

You need to go back to No Contact.

[ninjabib]

You are probably right. I have no intention of contacting her. She's literally crazy at the moment and has been since the day she found out her daughter wanted to see her father again.

 

That was my cue to be there for her but I had some kind of mental breakdown at the same time and here we are. In a way I hope she never contacts me again regardless of my feelings towards her.

[cedricz]

You are probably right. I have no intention of contacting her. She's literally crazy at the moment and has been since the day she found out her daughter wanted to see her father again.

 

That was my cue to be there for her but I had some kind of mental breakdown at the same time and here we are. In a way I hope she never contacts me again regardless of my feelings towards her.

 

honestly, i don't know how old you are but women with children from past marriage / relationship is very challenging.

A simple relationship with a girl without children is complicated enough to add even more dramas

 

I had a relationship with a woman who has a 6 year old daughter; and the father was always in the picture;

whatever happens, they will always have a special connection and this will hinder your relationship

 

Unless you already have children of your own i wouldn't venture in this kind of relationship

[ninjabib]

I understand what you are saying and he was in the little girls life for the first few years we were together so he was never a rival for my ex anyway. She was just convinced he would get custody of the girl after vanishing for 2 years. It was a strange time.

 

I'm 37 for the record.

[Blank State]

It is definitely not the return of the dad in the way i think you mean, romantically. I should clarify hes been absent the last 2/3 years only. He has been around the kid during our relationship for the first half. It's not that her long lost love has returned. 100% sure of that. She said when he was returning that she needed my support in the upcoming times as she was anxious he would walk back in our lives and she would lose her daughters love, despite this warning i just wasn't there. She also continually messaged me saying she misses me, loves me, wants to say me and i just kept saying no i am too busy.

 

Wiseman yes i also agree the return started the downfall but not because she has any interest in him.

 

Thank you for your replies. She has to come back 1 more time to get the childs furniture. I think i will wish her best and block her once thats done.

It's the only thing that makes sense. I think that frightens you. And the house/stress thing looked like a good excuse. I mean, what makes more sense to you? Out of a 5 year relationship, you're not available for 30 days and she splits because you weren't emotionally there? Or that the father of her child came back into the scene and a breakup happened shortly after?

 

I don't think you want to admit that, but there is no way possible you're 100% sure of someone's motives. You can't read their minds. I've heard people say things and then do a 180 in minutes.

[ninjabib]

Only time will tell i guess. I cannot rule it out 100% but i genuinely dont think it's him. I'm not frightened.

 

My personal, honest take of the situation is after 4/5 weeks of the period i was a bad partner, she got fed up, she went distant and cold, went out and had her head turned by someone else whatever then came back and realised this is a good chance to duck out and run. Not for the father however she would be with him by now. I've seen the begging messages from him to her over the first few years and she really does not like him in that way anymore. Someone else very possible but not him.

[MissCanuck]

It might not be her child's father, but it probably didn't help matters that he's begged to see her over the years while you have been distancing yourself from her for quite some time. It was 4-5 weeks this time, yes, but you indicated that she nearly broke up with you over this same problem before. This wasn't 4-5 weeks out of an otherwise perfect relationship, by your own description. She had previously warned you that the cold and dismissive behaviour was not working for her.

 

So she was likely sitting there wondering how it's possible that her kid's dad wants her, asks to see her, has begged for her - while her own boyfriend couldn't make time for her. Even if she has zero desire to be with hims specifically, the fact that she knows other men would love to spend time with her while she could barely get you to see her didn't help matters whatsoever.

 

I'm not saying she's perfect, either. I think the way she's handled this break-up speaks volumes. But I do believe her ex resurfacing was indeed an "aha" moment for her of sorts, although it might have nothing to do with him personally.

[ninjabib]

Yes i agree MissCanuck, his return definitely got her thinking, timed with my poor partner-ing at the time and she just thought i'm gone, I can get treated better elsewhere.

 

It's true i had briefly negelected her once before, again over the house but it wasn't for a prolonged period like this time and i caught myself before it got too bad. This time i have no excuses. I was in a bad place and i let my problems take over everything and didn't do anyting for her in terms of effort or support.

 

A few days before we actually split up she took my pics down off social media, i guess she was testing the waters to see who/what/how many guys would come running as once the pics are removed it's over and the male sharks start swimming.

 

I genuinely just wanted us all to have the best start as a family. I was not out partying or seeing other women, i was working my job and then working on the house but i lost sight of the people i cared and loved the most.

I will learn from this.

[boltnrun]

Yes, I believe you will learn from this.

 

BTW, I am divorced from my husband and the father of my children for almost this exact same reason. He insisted on working 6-7 days a week. Monday through Friday he worked 12-14 hours. Saturdays, usually "only" 4-6 hours. And he went in on some Sundays. He also insisted on going in on holidays because, according to him, "no one else could go in, they had plans." And he got angry when I suggested he too had plans, so why should it always be him?

 

He didn't get paid extra for all that overtime. And when I asked if anyone else in the company worked as much as he did, he admitted they worked Monday - Friday, 8-5, and he was the only one working 7-7 or 7-9. But, he claimed he was "doing it for you and the kids!!!" and that I was being an unreasonable nag for asking him to cut down on the work hours. Again, he did not get paid overtime and no one else at the company worked as much as he did. But he still insisted he was doing it for us.

 

His mother warned him...she told him "if you don't cut this out you're going to lose your family". And he told her to be quiet and to mind her own business.

 

So, now we're divorced because he said he would not stop. In fact, he increased his working hours so that many nights (usually Friday nights, interestingly) he would not come home until after 10 PM. He seldom saw the kids and forget about any intimacy or "couple time". I was lucky if he managed to make it to the kids' karate lessons on the weekend...but of course, he "had" to head to work right after and complained about the work he was missing out on by going to karate. Soon, I went alone with the kids because he just could not spare the time away from work.

 

I've gone on and on and I apologize...but you get my point. I didn't want to get divorced...but I also did not want to be married to a ghost. A ghost who seldom bothered to "haunt" his own family. I found out after the divorce that on weekends when he had the kids, he was dumping them off on his mom so he could go to work. So for him, it seems nothing has changed. And he never remarried (for the record, neither have I).

 

I'm glad you're learning this lesson now. It's very difficult if not impossible to convince someone you've disregarded and made to feel unimportant to give you another chance.

 

But I have hope for you because you are man enough to admit your mistakes. My ex never has.

[ninjabib]

Thank you for your input from the other side of the fence boltnrun. I don't understand why he would do all that extra work for no pay personally. That doesn't make sense to me? Sorry to hear you had to go through that. As men sometimes I think we try too hard to do the right thing for our loved ones and end up doing the opposite unintentionally.

 

I see some parallels too. My potential father in law said to me a few weeks before break up " we know you are stressed with redundancy and the house but don't let them ruin your life" At the time I had no idea what he meant but it ties in with her telling me during breakup that she discussed us with her parents. Another warning sign missed by me.

 

I just felt she was getting impatient about the house not being ready and would end us soon if real progress wasn't made so I threw myself into it. She never said this just my assumption which was wrong.

 

Anniversary passed with no contact so I think that's the worst of it over with now.

[Silverbirch]

Nah, I don't think it's the ex. Maybe I've read things wrong, but looks to me like when she tries to engage with you, you push her away, ignore her and/or you ate playing games. Man, this sort of of thing really decks my head up. You need to work out whether you want to be with her or not and stop. Playing games or she will definitely go and stay away.

[ninjabib]

Oh I definitely wanted her back and deep down I still love her but it's been nearly 2 months now so I think she's gone now and I'm in the acceptance phase I guess.

 

I apologised for my behaviour and neglect in the first few weeks of breakup for clarification. Said I would not do it again. Also when she stayed over the other night but I cannot endlessly apologize. It won't do any good.

[cedricz]

Oh I definitely wanted her back and deep down I still love her but it's been nearly 2 months now so I think she's gone now and I'm in the acceptance phase I guess.

 

I apologised for my behaviour and neglect in the first few weeks of breakup for clarification. Said I would not do it again. Also when she stayed over the other night but I cannot endlessly apologize. It won't do any good.

 

 

Either way you don't want to be in a position of weakness, especially if you still pine for this woman and that she dumped you

You should start ignoring her for a good 30 days and see if you still care after that

After the silent treatment you should be able to see the real color of her intentions;

she will either move on which means that she never had the intention to rekindle in the first place or she will be totally stalking you and eager to get you back

staying in contact as you do now and acting weak won't lead anywhere