Took gf for granted, now shes gone. Any hope?

[Wiseman2]

Honestly, you seem quite cohesive and articulate. What jumps out is not any sort of confusion from a head injury but a systematic undermining and now blase attitude that she's gone because it seems you engineered it. First you blame the handyman special house fiasco, then you blame a head injury then you blame your job stress, then you blame her "impatience", etc. This is a blessing in disguise because you are free now and no longer need to play games to get her to breakup.

instead of saying I'm feeling weird due to the injury

[ninjabib]

Oh as I mentioned I am fine in the main now but at the time I genuinely wasnt. I never wanted to break up. We had just started trying for a child of our own at Xmas. I can see where you are coming from. It ties in with her thinking I didn't want to be with her but it's very much not the case. My house is a complete renovation and had to have structural work done too. I've been messed around by tradesmen constantly delaying things

 

I let everything get on top of me and neglected her for a month that I cannot deny but I love her to pieces and never wanted to split.

[Wiseman2]

5 Years is a long long long time to just date and idle talk. It also makes no sense to "try to start a family" when you haven't bothered to even get an apt together in all that time and just kept stalling and pushing her away..

We had just started trying for a child of our own at Xmas.

[MissCanuck]

5 Years is a long long long time to just date and idle talk. It also makes no sense to "try to start a family" when you haven't bothered to even get an apt together in all that time and just kept stalling and pushing her away..

 

I don't understand that, either.

 

What was the thinking behind that, OP?

[ninjabib]

When we met we lived close to one another. She then went to uni as a mature student. She chose to move away and I supported her in this because although it made things a little harder for us it's bettering her future. She's still there finishes in a month. If I moved in with her I'd have to pay mortgage on my house and 100mile trip to work everyday. I will.not be able to get a job earning as much as I do now to keep the house and commute so much.

 

When I bought the house 18mths ago I asked her to move in immediately but she said no because of the little girl which I understand. Buying this house was probably a bad thing to do in hindsight but it's gonna be so profitable when it sells I said I'll put it all down on a beautiful home for us all it's just taken 6 months longer than expected.

[ninjabib]

I don't understand that, either.

 

What was the thinking behind that, OP?

 

When we were together before Feb we were mad about one another. Sure we bickered now and then but nothing too serious and we always laughed and made up quickly.

 

I know we never lived together but we have spent weeks together as family on holidays etc so we agreed if we got pregnant I'd sell the house regardless of condition. Take the.money and put it down on another house and move in immediately.

[Wiseman2]

You should have done this a long long time ago. It's unclear why you used this house project to push her further and further and further away. So the only way you would have done the reasonable thing is if you got her pregnant?

we agreed if we got pregnant I'd sell the house regardless of condition. Take the.money and put it down on another house and move in immediately.

[ninjabib]

Agreed Wiseman but if i sell my house before September 1st i need to pay a release fee which i dont have it is thousands. Part of my agreement in the mortgage. Her father said he would loan me the money if it came to this/pregnancy. All my spare money has gone into the workers. Also This last 9 months or so she didnt want to move in together as she moved back to her mom and dads to save for a depsoit to put in towards our house. We wanted to buy one house we loved and stick to it rather than keep moving houses and working up. Shes also finishing her last year of Uni and didnt want any upheaval from summer '17 till she finished. She said as long as i see her 3/4times a week as normal thats fine, we've managed so far. I said ok and i did stick to this until Feb when i basically lost the plot.

 

So we are kinda NC but she will contact me every week but doesnt want to talk to me about us but wants to talk to me about everything else and i've explained i care about her too much to be just friends so i think all i can do is let her get the last bits of daughters things and block her, maybe seems petty but there doesnt seem to be anything else i can do here. I just wish she would collect the last items, she knows it hurts me seeing them everyday. I guess she wants me to feel hurt like she did at the end or something.

[MissCanuck]

Put her daughters' belongings in a box and tell her you will leave it for her to collect on X day, at X time. If at all possible, arrange for you to be out/away when she gets it.

 

She needs to quit with the chit-chatting, especially when you know she's seeing other guys. Her telling you about her Tinder matches is ridiculous. Hide/unfollow her on social media so you don't get a front-row seat to her new love life.

[Wiseman2]

She's friendzoned you and talking about her dates. Agree you need to stop the chichat. Pack up her kid's things and bring them to her if she refuses to come get them. Do this for yourself so you can heal and begin to move forward.

[ninjabib]

The items that are left are bed/wardbroe etc so cant really box them up. Shes taken the small things. I've blocked on her onFacebook and told her to text me with a date and i will make sure the items are outside just before she arrives. I dont want to leave the little girls things outside randomly in case they get stolen/ruined.

[ninjabib]

Just blocked her family too. Shes in some of their profile pics. Sent everyone a message saying i wish them all the best for the future, its not personal but i think a clean break is best. This sucks. I've been an idiot. Lesson learnt.

 

Saying that she is in a much better place than when i met her and she said she achieved more in the 5 years together than rest of life without me so i should give myself a little slack. She always thanked me for pushing her to push herself. I think she would say for 4.9 years i was a fantastic boyfriend but for 0.1 i was a complete waste of time

[MissCanuck]

OP, someone who is really committed doesn't throw away 4.9 years for .1 rough patch - if that is indeed how she truly felt.

 

It seems there have been problems for much longer than just the final month of the relationship.

[ninjabib]

Yes you may well be right, i think she just got to the 5 year anniversary and thought this isnt going anywhere, we should be together by now etc, timed with my bad behaviour and made it easy for her to end it in her head.

 

Least it ended with no bad blood. Some family members already replied saying "we understand, you are a good man, sorry it didnt work out." She simply said ok via text. if shes not collected within 2 weeks i will tell her when i will put the stuff out front with a weeks notice and if she doesnt collect and they get taken its not my fault.

[OhGreat]

Although it seems some are blaming you here, it takes two people to have a good relationship. I see some parallels with my ex so I wanted to highlight where she is not blameless.

 

1) Low self esteem: Women like this are dangerous. They use you to feel good about themselves but then blame you when they don’t feel good. She admitted you helped her move forward (as mine did) but then dropped off like a tick boated with blood. She got what she could from you and decided she ran you dry.

 

2) Poor communicator: I don’t care about what hints she dropped. It’s her responsibility to have a sit down talk with you to clearly address issues. Not blame you for not picking up on clues.

 

3) Selfish: Was she helping with the house? After all it was to be hers too. If she wanted to see you she could have popped by - at least with a meal.

 

4) Uncaring: You had a head injury- you should come first.

 

5) Dating already and posting on FB? Jeez.

 

I’m not saying that you couldn’t have done things better, but she is no angel and this is not completely your fault.

[ninjabib]

Yes she also could have handled some things better i agree.

 

SHe did mention we need to sit down and talk in the middle of Feb but i just ignored it, i cant explain why but i never responded when i look back at the message history. The conversation was a little heated and moved very fast. I have now started to write important things down until my head trauma is completely gone as i cannot recall things well anymore. I have to stop, think and go back but its usually too late.

 

She did help with the house sometimes i will give her that.

 

The head injury, she knew i had it, but i was a dumb male and just pretended it wasnt causing me problems when it was. DIdnt wanna look like a pu55y. She did say if you tell me when its causing you issues let me know and ill support you otherwise it seems you are just being erratic.

 

THE dating and Tinder things though are completely messed up, since blocking her i feel much better, it feels final now and that i'm moving on.

[OhGreat]

Good for you. Blocking them out of your life is the only way to move on.

[ninjabib]

Yep, blocked her on everything now, althogh was too late for whatsapp, her profile pic was the 2 of them so i saw that but deleted it. Minor blip, felt crap for an hour but back to healing now.

[TheRawTruth]

Speaking from experience: When a woman says something, listen. I used to think they were just threats, or manipulation tactics sometimes. (And sometimes they are.) But when a woman says "Hey, this needs to change, or my feelings will change", believe her.

 

Now, when things were going good at dinner (drinks, whatever), you should've just said "Listen. I know we've had a rough couple of months. But I'm not ready to throw this away. Are you?" Just remind her of the goal. The goal was to live together. Sure, things got crazy there for a while, but "look how well we still get along. The love is still here, and the house is finally done. I say we give this another shot. Are you willing?" At that point, all the BS has to stop. She has to either say yes, or no. (Or start to logically talk herself in or out of it, in front of you.) You already had the C&F thing working for you, getting her re-attracted. Just take it one step further by reminding her that the thing that broke you up won't break you up again because the house thing is finally finished!

 

It might be too late now though, especially if you guys went No Contact again.

[ninjabib]

Yeah she did give me warnings and told me I need to see her more and it registered but I'd forget by the time I saw her next.

 

She was still attracted to me I could tell but very closed.off in terms of letting me back into her life. Guess she's worried I'll let her down again. I tried to bring us up but she said she didn't wanna talk about it. She said istopped listening and that was the only problem in our relationship. She started getting upset so I left it.

 

She's doing her rebound thing now and I don't want to see photos of her and a new guy this early.

 

She still hasn't collected her daughter's stuff so I've text her today to say that needs to be sorted soon or I will have to leave them on front lawn.

[Wiseman2]

How important are these things to her?

She still hasn't collected her daughter's stuff so I've text her today to say that needs to be sorted soon or I will have to leave them on front lawn.

[ninjabib]

No idea. I don't know why in 7 weeks she hasn't collected them. I've said if you don't want them I'll put them out front right now and she said no she wants them. They are large items but her dad has a van and could collect anytime with her so not sure what the problem is. Maybe she gets a kick out of me seeing them everyday or something i don't know.

 

Would have been our anniversary in a week so I expect I shall get a message from her then about something.

[Wiseman2]

Now that she has told you her intent in writing to collect them, she has 30 days to collect them. You can not just put them out somewhere until then or threaten to. She could sue you for damages. Write her that she has 30 days. Be businesslike. Stick to the business at hand. Stop assuming she's "trying to torture you".

7 weeks she hasn't collected them. she said no she wants them.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with Wiseman. Tell her she has 30 days to come and collect the items, or you will dispose of them.

 

My guess is that she doesn't want to cut that final string yet in case her new fling doesn't work out.

[ninjabib]

I think that too Miss Canuck. If she doesn't message me on our anniversary I will assume she is genuinely loved up with the new guy. She's a definite rebounder tho. Before we got together she had a rebound guy between me and the father after only 2 weeks. She's very insecure.

 

I sent her a message just before blocking her saying I wish her all the best etc and that night she rang me and never spoke but put the phone down after like 5 seconds. Weird. Maybe she was just testing if I blocked her number or not. I never rang her back.