Am I the other guy?

So first time posting, so go easy. It's not easy for me to express my inner most thoughts and feelings but it's starting to eat me.

About 4 months ago I started seeing a woman who was recently separated from her husband of 18 years.

We've gone away together, spend virtually every day together etc etc. Now this is where things get difficult, we tend to have arguments about the way he treats her, and the fact that she can't seem to tell him no to things and she keeps letting him walk all over her.

I'm stuck as to what I do. It eats me every day watching him treat her the way he does but it's like she's incapable of standing up for herself and I keep having to pick up the pieces.

Has anyone else been in one of these situations before or can help me put my mind at ease as to what to do?

Welcome to ENA and thank you for posting. I am sorry you are going through this; caring for someone who chooses not to stand up for themselves is saddening and frustrating -- sometimes it means we're being manipulated.

A couple of questions for clarification:

What sort of things does he do to her that you find objectionable? Does she tell you these things voluntarily or do you pull it out of her? Are they still living together or seeing each other? Are there plans to finalize the divorce?

I was in similar situation last year. The (ex) wife was asking my now ex to pay ridiculous amounts of money for child support even though she earned more than him. It was about 3 times of what he would be required by law. As a result of this, he had to live with number of flatmates and was going increasingly in debt. He refused to stand up to her or ask for legal help. He was doing whatever his ex w wanted, including repairs to her house etc. He would often run out of money and his credit cards would be maxed out. Once I remember he couldn't pay for gas and I had to do it. I finally had enough and dumped him.

I don't think it's looking good for you.

She is still married , and in no place to date. Find someone who is not involved, and going through the most difficult point of their life.

You are a rebound.

I think the bottom line is, she's still married and is in no position to be dating, (imo). On another note. I would stay out of their ongoing issues, and wait until she's legally divorced where she's in a better frame of mind.

JMO....

I have to make the assumption that you know the details of her divorce and why she is stuck in a place where her soon to be exH can inflict misery on her.

I’m going to guess it’s a very different situation for her as compared to myself. I was the wife who was afraid to tell off my soon to be ex-husband. Afraid to scream and fight and get what I needed in the divorce. He used the guilt of me wanting the divorce and all that goes with it. Degraded me. Accused me of cheating. Tried to bargain me to stay in a facade of marriage for his appearance. Shook me to my core so much that I lost a very good job in large part because the job was afraid of him and I was connected to him.

It took a verrry long time, every ounce of my power, a very special friend who provided endless counseling, the support of my entire family, old and new friends, 2 therapists, a support group, decent attorney and many prayers to finally stand up for myself. I knew I finally grew a back bone when I was able to tell my exH to F-off! (That was so liberating! Lol)

Unless you are prepared to be that very special friend with endless time, energy, counseling, advice, support, not giving up no matter how frustrating she is about getting out of her bad marriage—if you’re not that guy—then I’d say your dating relationship is doomed.

Personally, I think it’s a mistake to date someone who isn’t divorced.

But for those who think separated is ok, then I’d advise only if amicably separated and going through a no-contention divorce.

Good luck to her. But also, for you, take care of your heart and mind and know what you’ve gotten yourself into. It’s not going to be easy if you stay with her.

Thanks for the quick replies and advice guys. Its really helping with the tough times at the moment.

Basically as a bit of background information, this is a man who has been cheating on her for many years, has beat her on occasion, she finally drew the line and said enough is enough.

Throughout the separation he has been seeing someone else in which their relationship is progressing.

I am/was the friend that is there for her 24/7, whenever she needs me i'm there. I never ask her about what she's going through I let her come to me about it. I've spoken in depth with her about numerous aspects of her situation and given her in my opinion the best advice I can.

He's moved out of the family home and she lives with the kids.

The things she won't stand up to him about are as follows: he's seeing someone else but won't let her see anyone else, won't give her her own space to get her head sorted, imposes on plans she makes with the kids (I completely understand they're his kids, but he's only an active father when he doesn't have anything else to do).

Recently she had planned to take the kids away and he just kept pestering her about him going with her so he can spend time with the kids. He has ulterior motive like always and is only going so he can check up on her. Everything is double standards when it comes to him and her.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm 100% dedicated to her and helping her whatever way I can but it's starting to come between us.

What makes it harder is we all work together, so I know him extremely well. To top it all of he knows she's seeing someone but doesn't know it's me.

She isn't ready for a relationship, OP.

She is too emotionally tied to her husband and I would bet any money he will ask for her back at some point, when his new relationship falls apart. He doesn't want her to see anyone else because she wants her on stand-by when he feels like attempting a reconciliation. And I wold imagine she will say yes, given the current state of things.

She might be a good person but she isn't in a place to be anyone's girlfriend right now.

So first time posting, so go easy. It's not easy for me to express my inner most thoughts and feelings but it's starting to eat me.

 

About 4 months ago I started seeing a woman who was recently separated from her husband of 18 years.

 

We've gone away together, spend virtually every day together etc etc. Now this is where things get difficult, we tend to have arguments about the way he treats her, and the fact that she can't seem to tell him no to things and she keeps letting him walk all over her.

 

I'm stuck as to what I do. It eats me every day watching him treat her the way he does but it's like she's incapable of standing up for herself and I keep having to pick up the pieces.

 

Has anyone else been in one of these situations before or can help me put my mind at ease as to what to do?

I don't think you'll like my post, but here it is. Not your problem. She's broken and has to fix her self. You'll just get dragged into a black hole of misery. By all means feel empathy for her, but there is nothing you can do. She has to fix her.

Am I the other guy? ... About 4 months ago I started seeing a woman who was recently separated from her husband of 18 years.

Key word being 'separated' rather than divorced, yes. You're meddling in a married couple's relationship.

It's not against the law, but your premature involvement with this woman is a rebound distraction. It sets you up for a lousy time when it occurs to GF that she really should have taken the time to learn how run her life solo rather than leapfrogging straight into another relationship.

You're already critiquing how this woman manages her dealing with her husband. Consider stepping out of the picture until after her divorce is finalized. You're likely to see more of a backbone in her then, and you'll preserve future potential with her instead of burning that out during one of the most stressful times of her life.

She is still married , and in no place to date. Find someone who is not involved, and going through the most difficult point of their life.

You are a rebound.

Truth. Move on. This is a "no-win" situation for you.

There is someone out there that doesn't have this bag of drama for you to deal with and is everything that she is not. Go find her.

Sorry to hear this. It's sounds more like you are the transition guy to help her through the divorce.

Thanks for the words and support guys.

My head and my heart have been telling me different things for the last few weeks but I think it's time to let go.

You're right, perhaps I should've never got involved. Maybe I was just to blind to see what was really happening.

You have become her therapist and doormat. I wonder what you get out of this? Are you always looking to rescue women?

I get nothing out of it, but it's taken me this long to realise I'm being walked all over.

Come to think of it, all of my past relationships have started as just that. I think i have a "I can fix it complex" and I don't know why.

 

You're right, perhaps I should've never got involved. Maybe I was just to blind to see what was really happening.

If I tell myself that I was blind, then I inspire no confidence in my own judgment going forward. When I can cop to the fact that all the signs of a lousy match were there from the start, but I just CHOSE to overlook them, then I can feel more confident in my ability to screen people better as I move forward.

It's a decision.

This is called co dependency. Look into CODA and seek a therapist.

Enough with dating projects. Understand what attracts you to drama.

There is no way this woman is in the right frame of mind to have a new relationship. Everyone has baggage but this is the wrong kind to be involved with. Basically you have no place to advise her, or cast opinions or fix her situation. OP I hope you walk away from this.