Moving In

I’m new here, and haven’t lurked very long, so I hope this post is in the right forum and follows all the rules.

I started dating L in early November. We’ve really fallen for each other, have similar life goals, interests, and requirements for boundaries/space, so I feel very optimistic.

Except for one thing.

I have plans to go away for university in September. She offered (of her own accord) to come with me. This made me pretty happy, but it is a risk as we will be moving away from our shared community. As a stepping stone we have discussed each renting one room in a house this summer.

All I want to know is what you guys think about this, and I’ll share my opinions and feelings on that later.

Moving in after less than a year of dating is generally much too soon, in my opinion.

How far of a move is it?

Leaving the community you were raised in and moving in with someone is a lot of change. If you are also newly dating I just think it is too much.

Is there any way you can both move but just live separately?

Moving in after less than a year of dating is generally much too soon, in my opinion.

 

How far of a move is it?

 

Leaving the community you were raised in and moving in with someone is a lot of change. If you are also newly dating I just think it is too much.

 

Is there any way you can both move but just live separately?

I agree totally.

See where you are in Sept. Will she being going to uni there as well? Kind of a red flag that she'd drop her life and follow you... Is she a clinger? Do you/will you both have jobs? Have you both taken a visit where you'll be attending uni? Right now it sounds like infatuation talk. Why not wait things out. Sept is further away than the amount of time you have been dating. A lot can happen in that time. Where are you both living now? Do you have your own places or are you both home with parents? Renting one room in a shared house sounds disastrous.

I started dating L in early November. I have plans to go away for university in September. She offered (of her own accord) to come with me. we have discussed each renting one room in a house this summer.

First off, completely concur that within a year is much too soon.

On top of it, suggesting sharing a single room in a house could be its own brand of disastrous. It might not be too terrible if there area common areas you're fully welcome to explore and lounge about in, but if you're dormitory-style, you two will be on top of each other. I briefly lived with my lady in her Jr. 1BD (studio with a wall), and that was a definitely a test, to say the least. And we'd been together for years prior to that.

And what's her plan once she moves with you? This coming from someone who made the mistake of moving strictly for someone else in the past, I'm always wary of people who are willing to drop their own lives to ride on the coattails of someone else's, particularly so soon in and with no subsequent concrete plan for their own individual growth.

Too soon........

Wiseman:

We’re both renting seperate places now, and we both have roommates. She’s definitely not a clinger, even less than I am one. I will probably only have a part time job during the term but will be revieving financial support from my parents until I graduate. She’s moving for her career (she recently graduated and her line of work has opportunities that are less geographically constrained).

I don’t yet know where I will be attending school- waiting to see where I’m accepting.

I agree that it’s too soon. We both still need our own space. She feels we can find a happy medium by renting two different rooms under the same roof, but I feel like when we need space we won’t get enough that way, and on top of that it will be a waste of cash. One of us may as well just make use of the common space.

Thealchemist: I like your suggestion of moving seperately. This would eliminate the need to see if we can live together before we move away (Although I am very confident we will do just fine as we both have good and compatible living habits- I just think we need to wait until the right emotional stage rather than going half-way and too soon).

Ok...then wait to see where you are going to attend. You have plenty of time to develop things.

She feels we can find a happy medium by renting two different rooms under the same roof, but I feel like when we need space we won’t get enough that way, and on top of that it will be a waste of cash.

Thank you everyone for your advice!

If you are perfect for eachother, you will be perfect for eachother in another year, too. Do not move in with her and do not let her rent a room in the same house. Are you just graduating from high school and will be attending college for the first time. That's a big no. Are you a full adult of 25 and are going to grad school? Be long distance for a bit and if you feel the same in 6 months to a year after that, she looks for a job so she can relocate within 20 minutes of where you will be so you can continue to date.

She feels we can find a happy medium by renting two different rooms under the same roof,

very bad idea

You have no idea if the two of you have "compatible living habits".

"We practically live together several nights a week" is not the same as living together. Does she leave used towels on the bathroom floor? Dirty dishes in the bedroom? Clean clothes thrown on the floor instead of putting them away? Blast music first thing in the morning? Insist on eating in front of the TV? Watch annoying TV shows in the bedroom? Or, is she an extreme neat freak?

You have no idea about how it would be to live with a person in only 3 months.

What's the big hurry? If this relationship is the right one it'll still be the right one a year from now.

She feels we can find a happy medium by renting two different rooms under the same roof, but I feel like when we need space we won’t get enough that way, and on top of that it will be a waste of cash. One of us may as well just make use of the common space.

Moving in together just to save money is not a good reason. You both have to learn to handle disagreements/arguments, agree to fulfilling household chores AND manage bills. And if you both can't do those successfully, then it will place a strain on your relationship. It's easier to work with a roommate than someone you have dated less than a year.

You're going away for school. Please focus on your education. She's already done with her degree, but you need yours. You will need space for studying and can't afford distractions. Casual dating is fine. I was in graduate school, got married in the middle and had difficulty with distractions... being a wife by setting time aside for my husband while having to travel to sites/ conduct group research/ complete internship and huge dissertation.

I’m going back to school after having been out of the post-secondary system for three years. Hahaha and no way I’m doing long distance.

As for the loving habits, please excuse my bluntness but I think I know a neat and responsible person when I see them. They tend to stand out because people my age are mostly useless slobs.

The neat/mess thing probably won't be an issue. The issues seem to be that she works full time and has more money. The financial issues will be major, and they are already revealing themselves through the debate about housemates vs roommates. You want to save cash by having a roommate/lover, but in student-like accommodations. Does she want to live in cramped student-like housing with a bunch of college people? It would be best to wait out the infatuation phase especially since she isn't worth a LDR to you.

As for the loving habits, please excuse my bluntness but I think I know a neat and responsible person when I see them. They tend to stand out because people my age are mostly useless slobs.