My 23 y/o girlfriend has had 30+ sexual partners, I've had 3 counting her.

On our first date, my girlfriend mentioned that she had 30 plus previous sexual partners. I accepted it without hesitation, and do not judge her.

We have been together for 3 months now and it has been wonderful. The issue is I cannot stop thinking about it. I am jealous and am doing my best to handle it without letting her know how jealous I really am. The reason I want to handle this correctly is I do not want to push my insecurities on her. Both of my previous sexual relationships ended with cheating as well as other ex-girlfriends cheating on me. Bad luck I guess. In all relationships, I was tricked into believing a loyal trait was present in them, and eventually found otherwise.

One girl dated me long distance (with many trips to each other) for 3 years and remained loyal (to my knowledge) until she went to a sex convention and was apparently "gang banged" although she told me the truth, I couldn't continue the relationship. One dated me for a while until I discovered 9 other men were a part of her sexual sphere, even though I was told we were exclusive. The others ended before they started with lies and more cheating.

My current girlfriend is amazing and we are a clear match. I trust her. She has been very open about her past, and clear that she is committed to our relationship. She does not want other sexual partners. The issue is her lack of secrecy or her frankness has made me jealous. She told me, regarding her past, she had wanted to be friends with all the men she was sexual with before, and after the encounters. While she admits it makes things awkward, she doesn't seem to want that to change, so she remains friends with many previous sexual partners. All these men live in a moderate sized town and I've even bumped into some with her. I was clear I wanted to know as little as possible so I didn't have to think about it. But with the popularity of my girlfriend I think a lot about which guys she talks to frequently, have also slept with her.

With all of that said, I am very sexually inexperienced. I am 22. I have had sex with only the two women before her, and the sex was not often with either. I worry constantly I am not pleasing her in bed. I have not been able to make her orgasm, even though we have had encounters lasting 1 hour or more. This includes oral, and some foreplay on different occasions. I visualize a lot of things while trying not to, and have thoughts that are frequent and lasting. It is impossible for me to, "not think about it" although I attempt to.

I would love advice on any of this. How do others coup with jealousy, or how would you deal with my situation specifically? Is there anything I can do so I am able to move on? If I were to talk to her about it what would be the best way to both, get some peace AND not come off as an insane jealous person. I don't mind criticism I know my inexperience makes me act incorrectly.

Honesty is the most important quality.

Thank you for your time! -MrOverThinker

I'm curious what went through her head that she thought that was first-date conversation material? "Heck yeah I'm a football fan....hey know what else, I slept with 30 guys!"

I know you're not supposed to judge based on how many people someone has slept with, but the fact she felt the need to brag to you about it is tacky. And 30 guys by 23 seems quite high...I'd almost feel like she kept all those guys around to stroke her ego. It all just sounds immature.

Since she's so open, has she told you if she's cheated on previous BF's before? That would be some info I'd want to know before how many guys she's slept with...

My gut tells me that you're number 31 and 32 is on the horizon.

She is clearly soeing her oats. And you are not.

Maybe you just chalk it up to a fun half a year and find someone not as round-heeled? Her need to brag of it and insisting to stay "friends" with all of them? That's a big turn off.

What you need to remember is that she could have had 300 partners by the age of 23, and it still wouldn't alter the fact that the only one who's relevant, the only one who matters... is YOU! If you suspect her of cheating, that's a different matter - but there's nothing in your post to suggest there is.

Often people who have large numbers of sexual partners are actually looking for a loving, close relationship, but don't really know how to go about finding one. The way your girl wants to be friends with all these guys suggests she's a bit of a people-pleaser, and sex for her is a way of making contact. If she's had that many partners, none of them could have been long term. I have a friend, now in her 50's, who was eye-wateringly promiscuous when she was in her teens and early 20's. In fact she didn't even KNOW how many guys she'd slept with! She'd also been married and divorced by the age of 23. However, she met and married a guy a couple of years after that, and they're still together after 30 years.

Also, you need to remember that there's a lot more to making love than orgasm (the clue's in the title!), and many women would swoon at the prospect of a sexual encounter lasting an hour or more, so don't worry on that score. After three months, you're still getting to know each other, and each other's bodies, and it all takes time. Rather than thinking about the guys, concentrate on her and your life together, and hopefully they'll fade away into the past where they belong.

Otherwise, if you really can't handle it, then end the relationship and move on. Personally, I think sharing your sexual history with a new partner is a mistake, unless there's something the other person really needs to know about (like an STD, for example). Indeed, I told my partner a while ago that I won't be telling him how many sexual partners I've had, and I don't want to know about his. All we're interested in is each other.

Not bad luck. A bad picker. You need to address the character of the women YOU choose.

I think that it it bizarre that anyone would discuss how many sexual partners they had had. This was a big, red flag that YOU ignored. Bad picker.

The issue is her lack of secrecy or her frankness has made me jealous. She told me, regarding her past, she had wanted to be friends with all the men she was sexual with before, and after the encounters. While she admits it makes things awkward, she doesn't seem to want that to change, so she remains friends with many previous sexual partners. All these men live in a moderate sized town and I've even bumped into some with her. I was clear I wanted to know as little as possible so I didn't have to think about it. But with the popularity of my girlfriend I think a lot about which guys she talks to frequently, have also slept with her.

You guys are wildly incompatible. Its one thing if she had 30 sex partners, had a wakeup call and changed her ways - and that was 10 years ago -- but the fact that she is friends with and wants to remain friends with all of them --- nope. It does not have any place in a monogamous relationship.

I do not think this has anything to do with you being "less experienced" vs you just wanting a monogamous relationship - you are not expecting a woman to never had a boyfriend before you, but you aren't wanting to stroll down the street and meet numerous "sex partners' of your girlfriend. If you are clear that you accept her, but you *do not* want to hear about the different guys or want to hear everything in detail, which is a very reasonable boundary -- she is not exactly respecting your boundaries either.

i have to ask -- have you requested that she be tested for STDs? If she is offended, then i would dump her. You have to not just "trust her" but have to make sure you are not at risk. 30 partners is a lot and there is no way she knew any of those guys well enough or long enough to have waited for them to be tested and clean. It is your absolute duty and your absolute right to protect yourself. And i would request another test in another 3-6 months since there are things that take more than 3 months to show up.

Your jealousy will mostly resolve itself after you find your sexual confidence in bed.

Be more open with your sexual communication. Ask her about what she likes, any kinks, etc. and then do it. After sex, ask what you did that she liked, and what she suggests for next time (i.e. improvement). And then you'll improve and feel better about yourself.

Also, side note: don't worry, lots of women cannot orgasm on oral or sex alone. Sometimes toys are necessary - depends on the person.

Hope this helps.

I'm curious what went through her head that she thought that was first-date conversation material?

It wasn't bragging, our first date started as coffee and ended up with us talking about life at 5:00am. I didn't want to put all the details of why it came out.

Since she's so open, has she told you if she's cheated on previous BF's before?

She's told me she's never cheated.

I'd almost feel like she kept all those guys around to stroke her ego. It all just sounds immature.

She might agree that she was being immature when she kept them as friends. Thank you for your advice!

I don't care how late you stayed up, there is no reason to be discussing numbers with your first date or partner for that matter.

I don't understand why she also needs to keep these guys around. She sounds like an attention-seeker.

Bad picker.

nutbrownhare, thank you a ton for your advice! I think your right, I honestly don't think she meant to mention how many partners she had. Thanks again

i have to ask -- have you requested that she be tested for STDs?

abitbroken, I have discussed it with her and I believe she has, we also discussed the steps she took to protect herself. Thank you for your advice.

nutbrownhare, thank you a ton for your advice! I think your right, I honestly don't think she meant to mention how many partners she had. Thanks again

Good luck to both of you!

nutbrownhare, thank you a ton for your advice! I think your right, I honestly don't think she meant to mention how many partners she had. Thanks again

But what about the whole "walking down the street and running into her past sex partners..." thing? Does she even get how her lack of discretion is a horrible lack of boundaries? I honestly don't think you are "too jealous". I just think you are a person who has reasonable standards and you are trying to change those standards to keep her and doing so is not making you feel all that well

abitbroken, I have discussed it with her and I believe she has, we also discussed the steps she took to protect herself. Thank you for your advice.

Has she tested since she has been dating you? Or just 'sometime in the past'

abitbroken, I have discussed it with her and I believe she has, we also discussed the steps she took to protect herself. Thank you for your advice.

Nope. you can't take her word that no condom every broke or she never had oral sex. you need to, for YOU, set the requirement that she must be tested

Get tested. This is your life.

There's lots of girls out there,

lots of girls who haven't done it with 30 guys before the age of 23. My advice is to find one of those.

I'm not putting a number on what is right and what is not, nor would I expect someone to be a virgin at 23. I'm not sure what number I would be ok with, however, I know I'd have serious problems with 30+

Edit: I'm not a big fan of asking (or telling) people numbers of previous partners. Somewhat in bad taste I think.

This is ridiculous. Where you think something is wrong with you. Nothing is - but she does sound like a train wreck. Time to wake up.

By the way, have you ever thought maybe she can't orgasm because she may be using sex to try and validate herself? That it's not about the sex, and this is why she is trying to collect all these men and keep them as 'friends' ( which is bs, they were bangs, so really?).

I think you are at a low point after the cheating gfs and so are settling. I said it. But settling for something which makes you uncomfortable on a basic level so early to being with someone can be damaging. You'd be better off just flying solo until you figure out the damage done by ex girlfriends.

I'm not saying she's a bad person. But that doesn't mean she's all set for a relationship and a good match for you. And her racking up the partners doesn't mean she's necessarily more in touch with her sexuality than you - in fact she may be detached and it's just a physical act to her, with her lightyears to reach where you are where you can be present with an actual individual.

This is ridiculous. Where you think something is wrong with you. Nothing is - but she does sound like a train wreck. Time to wake up.

 

By the way, have you ever thought maybe she can't orgasm because she may be using sex to try and validate herself? That it's not about the sex, and this is why she is trying to collect all these men and keep them as 'friends' ( which is bs, they were bangs, so really?).

 

I think you are at a low point after the cheating gfs and so are settling. I said it. But settling for something which makes you uncomfortable on a basic level so early to being with someone can be damaging. You'd be better off just flying solo until you figure out the damage done by ex girlfriends.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person. But that doesn't mean she's all set for a relationship and a good match for you. And her racking up the partners doesn't mean she's necessarily more in touch with her sexuality than you - in fact she may be detached and it's just a physical act to her, with her lightyears to reach where you are where you can be present with an actual individual.

I agree with everything here!!!

But what about the whole "walking down the street and running into her past sex partners..." thing? Does she even get how her lack of discretion is a horrible lack of boundaries? I honestly don't think you are "too jealous". I just think you are a person who has reasonable standards and you are trying to change those standards to keep her and doing so is not making you feel all that well

Nailed it!

I agree with everything here!!!

Yup.

And two people with very low self esteem do not make a great match.

Does she point out who she has banged on the street? How do you know? How uncomfortable.

I think that you have very poor judgement.

I mean you're talking some numbers similar to my own over the course of my adult life, and I'm perfectly content with being monogamous with my fiancee. The numbers themselves aren't what would concern me. I can't imagine being actual friends with 30+ people she went to bed with. That she'd insist on remaining friends with all these guys by the simple virtue of having bumped uglies is simply strange to me.

That said, I'd just leave her to find a guy who's cool with that kind of dynamic. Just be honest with yourself on whether you could ever respect her as you should a partner. If not, do what's best for both you and her. Really not much need to dissect it any further than that.

I am going to ask... but are these all online relationships you've had?

Get tested for STDs