For full background you should read my previous posts, especially the first one. I created an account here to try to get advice on a situation that has been long and ongoing. In July 2016 my fiance decided to postpone our wedding (with one week left). We tried to work things out. I asked her to move out (for the four years prior she was not paying to live with me and this was my one big issue with her) and she moved to the other side of town. We tried marriage counseling. I was never able to forgive her for postponing the wedding even though we remained in touch and tried to work on things. Last summer, I felt the need to take a break and had a fling with another woman. I cried the next day. Throughout the entire time until today I have always loved and never been able to move past my ex despite every attempt. My ex came back into my life shortly after and we tried again. I asked her to come on a trip with me so that we could talk things over (to end the in limbo state) and she cancelled last minute. This was around September 2017. I was angry at her for cancelling so I invited a girl that I had just met (nothing physical happened) and it was a great trip but the girl posted pictures on facebook that my ex saw. She got really upset and there was another breakdown in communication. We went through long periods of time not talking and a pattern of her ignoring and pushing me away ensued. In December, our communication really broke down to the point that she did not even let me deliver a birthday present that I bought her. After repeated days of ignoring me, I sent her a text that said, "I guess I should just wish you a nice life and say goodbye. I am sorry that things ended acrimoniously and that you don't want to have anything to do with me. I will always cherish our memories..." So I followed a lot of advice that I read and I went no contact, until yesterday. Four months of no contact and she never reached out to me. I fought every urge to contact her and it was incredibly difficult. Remember, she never actually broke up with me and I never actually broke up with her --- so I felt like I did not have closure throughout all this time (July 2016 until today). My life has been on pause throughout this time, and my levels of depression and anxiety and stress over ruminating and thinking this relationship over and over again have driven me to near madness. It feels like actual physical pain, this entire experience, and I have not had one nights peaceful rest or one morning where I do not wake up agonizing over what to do and how to find a solution (moving on or getting back together).
Throughout the relationship my biggest issue with her was that she didn't have a job for most of the time and I felt like there was an imbalance. I paid for everything and this became a pattern that was hard to break. This imbalance is what made me uncertain about getting back together with her because I did not want to return to the same stress as before, but I could never really let her go because I loved her (and still love her) so much. My mother says that she was manipulative and using me, that there are a lot of women out there that use men in relationships but don't really care for them or love them. There were a lot of red flags. Like for example, I ended up returning our engagement ring because she didn't have a job and gave her the money instead because I thought she needed the $ more than a ring. She never paid rent despite having jobs on and off, and it was only after the postonement of the wedding that she finally got a full time job as a teacher at the age of 39 (I am 35). My family paid for 100% percent of the wedding costs. There are a lot of examples of financial sacrifice on my end and none on hers.
Throughout the no contact period I would write draft e-mails to her and not send them. One of them was an e-mail asking for us to try again. I can repost that in a reply if anyone wants to read it for context. Yesterday I broke the no contact (4 months) and called her because she received a speeding ticket in the mail. She called me back this afternoon while at work in the middle of the day. At first it was only about the ticket but then the conversation went into the relationship. I told her that I missed her and still loved her and that I regretted a lot of the things that I had done. She did not take much responsibility over her actions, and pointed out all of the things that went wrong. Then she told me that she was in a serious relationship, to which I replied that I was not asking for anything from her, that I only wanted to convey how I felt. Then she sold me that she wanted me to hear it from her first, but that she was PREGNANT. I was in shock and still am. After we hung up, I went into a panic and felt so many raw emotions. I feel like I am having an outerbody experience and want to jump out of a window to stop the pain. I don't know what to do with myself, with the rest of my life, and feel like I may have messed up the best relationship that I will ever have. I want to quite my job, sell my place, sell my car, and start something elsewhere because there are constant reminders of her and our relationship EVERYWHERE. I have been losing my mind over this situation for so long that it has become a habit and part of my daily routine (wake up miserable and regretting what happened, go to work and not focus as much as I should, go home to an empty apartment that we shared together for two years... wallow in my LONELINESS). I fought so hard to make things work and it is so hard to give that up, I never could and don't see how I can accept this now. She wants me to not call her, but send the letter that I wrote through a mutual friend.
I printed out the e-mail and wrote another letter that says, "Attached is the email I wrote and re-wrote but never send over the last couple of months. I light of our conversation today - knowing that you have moved on with your life into another relationship - I would not write the same words, but the e-mail is an expressino of what is in my heart and soul. This is extremely hard and my heart feels broken. My love for you was and is still strong and our future together is what kept me going. I am afraid to move forward in life without you and with the sense of purpose that our relationship brought into my life. I still want to do the right thing for both of us. If that means letting go, then it is something that I must learn how to do, even though I do not know how and it feels like an impossible thing to do. I should have followed my heart and found a way for our love to continue and flourish. I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. I will need to resist the urge to talk, see, touch, kiss, and hold you because I do not want to complicate your life. I will respect and honor whatever your wishes you have. I only ask that you follow your hear. I ask that you forgive me in your heart. I ask that you do not forget me and I ask that you pray for me. As for me, I wish upon you the best that the world has to offer. I wish that you are cared for as I would care for you because you are deserving of all the riches and happiness s that life has to offer. Love, J"
What the HELL am I to do now! I want to jump off a bridge.
*NOTE: This may be my last post under postponeups because my username is no longer as relevant before and I need to move past that.