Wanting to try for a baby

Hi guys, I have been with my partner for 5 1/ 2years I am 24 and he is 27. A lot has been happening in my life in with my brother being in machine accident (4 months ago], work and stress. Me and my partner have also started to look for a house to. I have been having health conditions and was told that I have PCOS in which i would have trouble conceiving 2 years ago. I have spoken to my partner about trying for a baby for about a year now on numerous occasions. He has stated that he wants a house before having a baby and that we are living together which I can understand, but I am concerned it Is going too to take ages to conceive. My friend has pcos and has been trying for 7 years she is almost 30 now, so she was 23 when she started to try I know people are different but I’m concerned I will be like her. Whenever I mention the subject he just says “we have talked about this and u know my reasons why”. The trouble is I just feel hurt, upset and gives the ump. I am worried it’s never gong to happen and with PCOS I am worried it’s going to be a deal breaker and that it won’t happen, he knew when we got together I wanted a family. I suppose I’m worried I’m going to miss my window.

Your partner is allowed to say he's not ready. At your age, too, it's especially valid.

Given all the other stress in your life, why would you want a baby now?

Before making any decisions, talk to an OB

He wants a child too, but he's justified in wanting to purchase a home first. The choice of having a baby can never be one sided. The team has to make the decision jointly. It might make you feel better to keep your options open as far as having a family. As an example, you can think of how many years you would try before seeking treatment, how long you would try while on treatment, and if that didn't work, consider adopting a child. There are many children in foster care who need good homes.

Siding with your boyfriend. You are so stressed out... What makes you think getting pregnant/gaving a baby is going to suddenly resolve your problems? I'm pregnant and I can tell you right now that it ADDS stress... You need to be as stress free as possible because being stressed out will cause a miscarriage. You are in no position to try to have a baby with the things that are happening in your life ATM.

Get a house and get married before trying for a baby. You need SOLID relationship security before planning to bring life into this world. In worse case scenerio, you can either adopt OR opt for a fertility clinic for vitro pregnancy. And I got pregnant after 30... At 24 you have plenty of time. There's absolutely NO RUSH to have a baby right now. Stop putting the cart before the horse.

I am worried it’s never gong to happen and with PCOS I am worried it’s going to be a deal breaker and that it won’t happen, he knew when we got together I wanted a family.

If it was a dealbreaker, he would not stay with you knowing you will have complications getting pregnant. His focus is much more clearer with ESTABLSHING a solid foundation... Getting a house. You definitely need to have the conversation about marriage/pre-nups in case the relationship goes south. But having a baby is off the table given your ages and where you both at in your relationship.

I'm on your team. We've been trying for a year and seven months. Infertility is heartbreaking, and the worst part is that you're never prepared for it. You have all these ideas in your head, how many kids you want, boys or girls, what their names might be, who they'll look like, places you want to take them. It never crosses your mind that it might be 100% out of your control whether or not you even get to have a baby at all. And all the two week waits between ovulation and peeing on a stick....and then the test is negative and the disappointment just melts you to tears. It's so awful, and I completely understand why you want to start trying. I doubt your partner fully understands the gratitude of the situation. I still haven't accepted the fact that I may never have a baby with my husband. His parents may never get to hold their grandchild. It takes awhile for all of your hopes to diminish to the point of accepting it.

If you want to, start talking with your OB about what you'll need to do when you're ready to start trying. Metformin is a great medication that many people with pcos use, it worked for my brother and his wife. Save as much as you can. The lab work and HSGs and ultrasounds are $2,000+. You can start finding out what all your insurance covers. Research IUIs, IVF, ICSI and be familiar with things, know what your plan will be if you do have problems.

Talk to your partner. Get him involved. He doesn't have to participate in baby dancing yet, but he can learn more about pcos and what you guys will face when you do try. And maybe it'll help him understand your feelings better.

I am so, so sorry. I hope your road to motherhood isn't so complicated. I would never wish infertility on anyone. If you ever need to talk, or have questions, want to share ideas, whatever....I'm here.

I agree infertility is very painful. I had four miscarriages after having my first child. I was able to get pregnant but never carry a child after my first. And I was told that that would happen by my OB . But I did get pregnant at 30, 34, 36, 40 and 45 . Now I am too old to ever have children as I am post menopausal . It was very hard to give up dreams of having more children very very hard .

We also did not prevent pregnancy in anyway from the time I was 24 until I was 30. And it took that long to conceive our first son .

I think you should decide if this is the man you want to marry and not look at him as a sperm donor. There are a lot of things they can do with medications, fertility treatments, etc., and there is always adoption. I know people who have gotten pregnant with PCOS without trying much or with some added help form doctors. Just because it took your friend 7 years, it doesn't mean that it will take you that long. He knew you wanted a family -- but that doesn't mean he has to give you one tomorrow. And part of family is having a secure place to live. So cool it.

I doubt your partner fully understands the gratitude of the situation.

 

Talk to your partner. Get him involved. He doesn't have to participate in baby dancing yet, but he can learn more about pcos and what you guys will face when you do try. And maybe it'll help him understand your feelings better.

But that isn't the situation here. They are a very young couple and are not ready to start a family yet. The boyfriend is being very logical with getting established by purchasing a house together first. Starting a family requires taking big steps one at a time- and the OP wants to do it all at the same time. She is going to overwhelm herself by doing so, and she needs to avoid that if she gets pregnant. And what if he wants marriage before trying for a baby? What about HIS feelings? I'm surprised this doesn't speak "responsibility" to some here. The OP needs to better prioritize before taking on the responsibility of motherhood.

She has plenty of time to figure it out. She's only 24.

Just because it took your friend 7 years, it doesn't mean that it will take you that long. He knew you wanted a family -- but that doesn't mean he has to give you one tomorrow. And part of family is having a secure place to live. So cool it.

Agreed. Every woman's body is different. It is not a fair comparison to match your health with your friend's.

 

She has plenty of time to figure it out. She's only 24.

 

 

yes!

If she were 34 and they had been together a number of years - i would say its time to see a doctor to see what's true and what isn't and time to have a conversation that you are ready to start a family. At 24, don't put the cart before the horse.

I agree infertility is very painful. I had four miscarriages after having my first child. I was able to get pregnant but never carry a child after my first. And I was told that that would happen by my OB . But I did get pregnant at 30, 34, 36, 40 and 45 . Now I am too old to ever have children as I am post menopausal . It was very hard to give up dreams of having more children very very hard .

I hear this ...pregnant 6 times and as you know , I had only one of those babies and we are same age ..

op ...I understand the pcos ..my daughter has it as well , but she has been told when she is ready for children they will help her medically speaking to up the chances of conceiving . So don't lose hope but you musn't back him into a corner , when you do have a baby let it be born from love and want , not pressure and worry .

I had my daughter at 24. There is nothing wrong with having kids young. Some people prefer that. I did. I also bought a house, moved to California, planned a wedding, and started a new job all at the same time. Telling her she can't handle a baby because she doesn't have a house and isn't married is rather insulting. If that's what she wants, she can't just change her feelings. If she wants a baby, she wants a baby. And the fear of not being able to do that is awful. Try to understand what that must be like.

Op, I'm not saying that you should just ignore your husbands feelings. Same as you, if he doesn't want a baby right now, then he doesn't want a baby right now. But that doesn't mean that you can't prepare for it now. That doesn't mean you can't do your research. Over the last year and seven months I have learned SO MUCH about what I can do to have a baby. And if I had known all of my options beforehand, who knows, I could be pregnant by now. But you and your partner need to understand each other's feelings. Just because he's being logical doesn't mean you're being illogical.

Sounds like you two have a lot of **** going on, so I agree with those saying he's well justified in not wanting a kid right now. Are you wrong to want one? No. But the fact is he doesn't and there's no real compromise to be had in having a baby right now or not.

I mean I guess I can kind of understand your wanting to start trying now given it can take awhile, but it's not like fertility is a momentum thing. You're no more or less likely to conceive once you two have settled your life complications because you'd tried to conceive however many months or years prior.

I think you're fine to see if he's got a vague timeframe for when he'd like to start, and if that doesn't fit with your goals, you've obviously got a touch decision to make, but beyond that, it kinda is what it is. No one's right or wrong.

Hi tabithas,

I really feel for you and even though I have not experienced any fertility problems, I know women who have and I can completely understand your panic and feeling that you need to get a decision out of your partner and start sooner rather than later.

I will say that this applies to most women I know, even when they're fertile. Everyone who's ever tried for a baby will understand this. You think you're going to decide to try and then magically, in a few months, you'll have a baby, therefore everything needs to be sorted well before you start trying, because it's just going to pop up! But the likelihood is, statistically as well, even if you are perfectly normal and fertile, you will most likely conceive within on average of 6 months, and that's when you have sex very regular and on your fertile days as well.

Me and my husband didn't track my ovulation or anything but it took us 4-5 months to get pregnant and I am still young like yourself (27). You also have to realise as a woman, if you want more than one child, you need to start earlier (which is my very small and very minor regret, as me and my husband would like 4, and even if I managed to get pregnant every single year, that would still make me 34/35 when we finished, which is getting on a bit for a mother in my eyes).

I don't want to worry you, but I think you're right, especially with a possible condition, even though they are so adept at treating these things now, it's better to start sooner rather than leave it too late and be racing against the clock. If some people think not having a house sorted or savings is stressful, try talking to women who left it too late to try for a child they desperately want and ask them if they're stressed. That's the most stressful thing. Not sorting a house, a job, or savings.

I'm on your side here! Problem is, I totally agree with others - having a baby is definitely not a one sided thing. Your partner must be ready too. Have you seriously sat him down and spoke to him about this? He must know how important this is too you.

I would suggest going for a medical consultation together. Get the facts, get treatment started if it's recommended. It'll make you feel better and it may put facts and time scale into perspective for your partner too, and make him realise waiting another couple of years might not be the best idea, especially since he seems to want to be a father in the future himself, he may need to agree with you to start trying now in order to have that baby he and you both desire in the future.

Indea80 makes some fantastic points and I would definitely take her up on her offer to private message her.

All the best of luck and by all means, remember, medicine is fantastic now - worst case scenarios aren't always what you are going to be faced with, but it's best to go both get medically checked out and see someone who really knows about this regarding realistic time frames for trying, etc.

I think sometimes people also forget a baby takes 9 months to cook! So you have all that time trying, and then nearly a year to prepare. It is stressful, but I think you are more stressed about the idea of not being able to conceive, which your partner should be much more sympathetic towards, since you have realistic grounds to be a bit worried.

Get it checked out and take him along.

All the best of luck,

Lo x