OMG he has a wedding date.

All,

A couple of years ago, I dated a guy. There were things that were amazing but also horrible. A little over a year ago, we reconnected. He wanted to date again and I suggested that we take some time to build trust and work through our issues. About a week later, I decided that I loved and missed him and really wanted our relationship back. (All of my friends describe me as very picky so this is not typical...I just really love him.) He responds by saying he just starting dating someone 2 days before to which I was like, "and"?

Long story short. He and this chick dated on and off. During that time he and I went out (and had sex) and I know (meaning he told me) that he slept with other women. At the end of January 2017, he told me he loved me (and didn't love her) and wanted to marry me (and would never marry her). The next day I send him a text saying, you need to break up with her. The next time I "heard" from him was when he plastered his ENGAGEMENT pics on FB. Seriously.

I see him a week or two later (ran into him-not planned) and basically he admitted (again) he didn't love her but he would not leave him. This is a highly successful lawyer....not a child. Anyway, over the next couple of months we "smoothed" things over. We hung out. We had sex. He took me to work functions at his firm. He told me he was so over the other woman. I honestly started to believe that we would get back together.

Anyway. Last night, not from him, I found out they are getting MARRIED in 2 months. (Keep in mind, I was at a work function with him a week before). I was blown away. And the gravity of how ty my behavior was and how totally screwed up he is, hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat in bed all night thinking about this chick and the fact that while I don't think she knows now, she will one day find out that he is cheating on her (not with me...I am done with him..but I know he won't stop cheating). I thought about relationships that I had wasted a ton of time in where the guy was cheating and I thought how much I would have appreciated someone just telling me. Now, I really want to send him one last email and just say, you tell her or I will.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you.

Why didn't you dump him, when you found out about this woman? Sorry, but you put yourself in this mess.

Next time, follow the actions.

i would stay out of it and assume that she knows (maybe she has men on the side as well). People change and change their minds all the time. You would not be telling her because you have her best interests at heart but because you are upset and angry that he chose her over you. You are not the right person to tell her -you said he slept with a lot of other women so she will find out if she doesn't already know. And you just move on.

Just send her copy of the text between you two and never talk to him again.. He will obviously lie that he told her the truth.

Good luck to you.

While some of us would say we would appreciate the warning from an ex to let us know that we are dating a cheater, how many of us would really be receptive to that warning when we are in the honeymoon stage? On top of that, the ex might perceive you to be a jealous and crazy head case. Unfortunately, most have to see the red flags themselves to make an informed decision instead of hearing it from someone else. I wouldn't say there's a right or wrong thing to do in this instance, just boils down to what you feel you should do.

....You knew he cheats. You knew he is with someone else. You KNEW he is ENGAGED. Yet you kept on drinking the cool aid and continued to carry on with him. You really do need to be asking yourself just how messed up are you? What he is doing with her, what she chooses to turn a blind eye to is none of your business. You need to work on yourself because you were not a victim of deceit here, you were participating with your eyes wide open and were well informed.

All,

 

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Thank you.

I think you need to tell him that you will and her as to what's up. I say this because I don't want an innocent child to go through divorce. And if she doesn't know now but finds out after she has a kid then things may not end up good for the kid.

I believe you have another thread about this same guy and you already have answers there.

....You knew he cheats. You knew he is with someone else. You KNEW he is ENGAGED. Yet you kept on drinking the cool aid and continued to carry on with him. You really do need to be asking yourself just how messed up are you? What he is doing with her, what she chooses to turn a blind eye to is none of your business. You need to work on yourself because you were not a victim of deceit here, you were participating with your eyes wide open and were well informed.

^ THIS. Read. Absorb. Take note. Learn. Nothing more needs to be said.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but if I was her, and I was engaged, and a girl sent me a copy of texts between her & my fiancé, I'd not only appreciate it, but I'd call off the wedding. Sure, I'd give him ample time to explain, but with time-stamped texts, there's not much he could say. Heck, I might go so far as to ask her to meet with me. A few days, or weeks, of anger and sadness vs. decades of a life together, presumably having children, with a cheating a-hole? I'd prefer the former.

I will add to what the others said: you should never speak to him again either. I'll repeat: he's a cheating a-hole. Why would you want him?

Maybe I'm in the minority, but if I was her, and I was engaged, and a girl sent me a copy of texts between her & my fiancé, I'd not only appreciate it, but I'd call off the wedding. Sure, I'd give him ample time to explain, but with time-stamped texts, there's not much he could say. Heck, I might go so far as to ask her to meet with me. A few days, or weeks, of anger and sadness vs. decades of a life together, presumably having children, with a cheating a-hole? I'd prefer the former.

 

I will add to what the others said: you should never speak to him again either. I'll repeat: he's a cheating a-hole. Why would you want him?

I think the issue I have with this particular case is that it seems the OP is doing it for no other reason but being vindictive. Getting back at him. Wanting to "hurt" him. All round selfishness and mean etc etc. SHE knew all along he was engaged, yet had no problem with messing around with him. Seriously, what part of ENGAGED does she not understand!?? Engaged means MARRIAGE, right? The OP says she's a lawyer, yet she doesn't understand that engaged leads to marriage and that you don't go messing around with people already in a relationship?

It's unbelievable to now go claim ~shock-horror~ OMG, he has a wedding date!!!. REALLY!!! ??? He was ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

Vindictive. Nasty.

I think the issue I have with this particular case is that it seems the OP is doing it for no other reason but being vindictive. Getting back at him. Wanting to "hurt" him. All round selfishness and mean etc etc. SHE knew all along he was engaged, yet had no problem with messing around with him. Seriously, what part of ENGAGED does she not understand!?? Engaged means MARRIAGE, right? The OP says she's a lawyer, yet she doesn't understand that engaged leads to marriage and that you don't go messing around with people already in a relationship?

 

It's unbelievable to now go claim ~shock-horror~ OMG, he has a wedding date!!!. REALLY!!! ??? He was ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!

 

Vindictive. Nasty.

Totally agree! She is no better, than him!

Victim role, does not apply.

he just starting dating someone 2 days before

While I completely agree that yes, he's engaged!!! Stay away!!! I think that what upsets GraceHeart so much is that he told her he wanted her back, and she told him yes 1 week later, but he already had a new GF. Which is who he's getting married to now. So I do understand the hurt.

Why bother, you haven’t given a care this entire time. I predict that once you get over the shock of him setting a wedding date with his FIANCÉE you will pick up where you left off.

While I completely agree that yes, he's engaged!!! Stay away!!! I think that what upsets GraceHeart so much is that he told her he wanted her back, and she told him yes 1 week later, but he already had a new GF. Which is who he's getting married to now. So I do understand the hurt.

She knew he was engaged.

"Long story short. He and this chick dated on and off. During that time he and I went out (and had sex) and I know (meaning he told me) that he slept with other women. At the end of January 2017, he told me he loved me (and didn't love her) and wanted to marry me (and would never marry her). The next day I send him a text saying, you need to break up with her. The next time I "heard" from him was when he plastered his ENGAGEMENT pics on FB. Seriously. " Don't need much more info than this. This has no future, written all over it.

I would tell. Mad. Vindictive. Call it whatever. He may eventually find someone and be happy but it wouldn't be with that woman. I would plant that seed of doubt. He doesn't deserve to be happy while you're not! People are saying that YOU turned your head and that YOU KNEW. Well they don't know how many lies he told you to keep you hanging on like a fool knowing that you loved him and were vulnerable. No one knows what they would do unless they were you in the same situation with the same person. I would tell and walk away forever. YOU DON'T NEED THIS CHEATING FOOL! Put him on Cheaterville is what I say! CHEATERVILLE.COM

The mere fact alone that you call his fiancee a chick shows you have no respect for her or their upcoming wedding and you wouldn't tell her out of remorse or from woman to woman, cause you don't see her as a woman but as a chick.

You hope he chooses you because you never saw their relationship as something real, he loved you so much, yet he's marrying her!

I would leave it.... you will only tell it to hurt her, hurt him and maybe get him back, which you will never achieve....

She will find out some day what an a$$ she married and maybe she already knows but accepts it...

But you have to accept your part in this, leave him and her alone!

You willingly got into this mess and you knew what kind of man he was, surely you can't be that shocked.

Secondly, when it comes to "the other woman" it's not really your place to say anything and truth be told, you will come off looking like a jealous ex who is only trying to mess things up, so I doubt she will believe you anyhow.

Best to just walk away from all of it.

Umm, lying, cheating with multiple women... He's a keeper, you two would sure have lovely marriage if he married you.

If someone tried to save me from walking in front of a train, I wouldn't care if their motive was to be a hero or to "do the right thing". I would just want to be saved (in this case warned).

It was the other woman who told me of her affair with my husband and sent me proof. While I don't consider her a Girl Scout, I am incredibly grateful that I had the truth and could act on it (I divorced him).

If someone tried to save me from walking in front of a train, I wouldn't care if their motive was to be a hero or to "do the right thing". I would just want to be saved (in this case warned).

 

It was the other woman who told me of her affair with my husband and sent me proof. While I don't consider her a Girl Scout, I am incredibly grateful that I had the truth and could act on it (I divorced him).

You have a point. I still would rather have her tell him that he should tell her and that if not she likely will find out (since if she told her he'd know she did, anyway). Gives him a chance to come clean.

Because they were constantly breaking up (meaning at least once a month) and he has had many "relationships" in the past where he is not serious and they break up constantly. By the time, they had gotten engaged (after I was being told they were constantly breaking up and that it was not serious at all) it had been 8 months of this. I wasn't thinking.

I don't know. I have been thinking a lot about this (obviously) over the last 24 hours. Having been in almost the exact same situation myself (with a guy named C), I "knew" (meaning I thought that something was going on) but there was ALWAYS an excuse from him. A ton of our mutual friends knew he was cheating on me for 75% of the relationship. When I found out (after 2 years of dating C), I broke up with him ASAP. If some chick would have come to me at month 6 when it started and said here is a screen shot of our texts, a picture, blah blah, I would broken up with him immediately. instead, I left the situation obviously pissed at C, but very annoyed with our mutual friends who didn't tell me even when I brought it up to them.

Maybe my feelings about what happened than are clouding my thoughts now. I would do anything to have known at month 6, ended it with C, and actually been open to a relationship instead of wasting time.

I was engaged to someone who was cheating on me, and married to another who cheated. In both cases, people knew, but no one wanted to hurt my feelings. You know what? I'd have loved to have been told so that I could have left a lot earlier.

The minute I realized each of these guys was a cheater, my feelings went completely away, and I was able to heal and move on much more quickly. So, had someone told me about the cheating, I'd have been able to move on sooner.

It depends on what your motive is. Do you want to tell her so that she'll leave him and he'll come back to you? If so, not a good idea, at all.

Well. As you can read above, I started talking to him before she was around. I was the one who said I wanted to take it slow before we had a relationship. Than he met her. As i said above, they broke up at least once a month for the first 8 months they were dating. Was it wrong for me to hang out with him when they were broken up? Would you actually take an engagement seriously after that track record especially coupled with the fact that he NEVER had anything nice to say about her? I never thought it was real. Ever. I can go back through his relationships and put them into 2 categories-one's that he takes seriously and ones that he does not. The fact that they were engaged really, based on his past relationships, was not necessarily a sign that it was a serious relationship. He has LIVED with girls (they have moved inn) and he does not consider the relationship serious. He has been married in the past and while he will admit that he has cheated, he never cheated on his wife...which added more belief, in my mind, that the fiance was not serious.

In this case, he has a child from his former marriage but they will never have kids (she 100% does not want one)...oddly he desperately wants one which is one more reason I did not think it was actually going to happen.