New marriage, and I think he wants out

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate a little advice, if anyone has the inclination.

I’ve been married for 6 weeks, after dating my husband for 2 years and 20 years of low-gear friendship. We’re both 38. We’ve hit some major recent hiccups, and I’m having a hard time parsing through recent developments.

Background: We both relocated to the Midwest about two years ago, back to our native city to continue dating and be near our families. I bought my first house early into our relationship, irrespective of our blooming relationship because it was “early days”. He lived with his Mom after his relocation, and began renovating the house next door to his Mom’s, which is also family property, with plans to ultimately live there.

A year or so of dating passes, and the topic of moving in together arises. He did not want to move into my house – he wanted to enjoy the handiwork of his renovations, which I understand. I also did not want to move because I just bought my first house and felt it was a “keeper”. We argued over who should move where, and he was adamant about not moving into my house. He straight up said he would never move into my house. He wanted to live next door to his Mom, mortgage-free, and enjoy his handiwork. Reluctantly, I agreed to live at his house for an undetermined amount of time, until we bought a new house together. During this time, the property taxes for my home were hiked significantly, to the point where the new monthly mortgage payment was financially uncomfortable. So, maybe a twist of fate.

So, the decision was made to move into his house, sell my house, and eventually look at new houses together.

I’ve been living in his home since January and we married in March. Living next door to his Mom is fine; she’s wonderful and I adore her. The house we are living in is not ideal, however. The house is not “ours”, so I have no input on projects or improvements aside from paint colors. The configuration is funky, and we have about 600 square feet of useable living space – the rest of the house is kind of dank and still under construction. The house is in the inner city of a major city, and I don’t feel very safe. At night when I come home from work, I text him to meet me in the driveway. There’s a convenience store right across the street that I don’t feel safe walking to in the daylight. I need to work from home one or twice per week, and it’s a challenge with client conference calls, because sirens and people shouting on the street are a fairly common occurrence, and the background noise has caused a few awkward experiences with my job. I’ve tried to soundproof as best I can, but the house is right on the intersection of a major road and major highway. I know this all might sound diva-esque, and that truly is not my intent. I’m trying to lay out the reasons for why this home has been a difficult transition and why looking for a new home is a good idea, and I sincerely hope that’s how it comes across.

Since living there for nearly four months, I have, on a few occasions, brought up the notion of looking for a new home together this summer – which is a somewhat sooner timeline than what we originally discussed. My home is currently on the market, and I don’t feel comfortable at his house, for reasons mentioned above. Whenever I bring it up, either pre or post marriage, my husband gets extremely angry. I can’t say anything negative about the house, neighborhood safety, or try to discuss buying a new house, without a major argument. We’ve argued twice recently over this. Once, right before our wedding and he told me not to send out the wedding invitations over this fight. That blew over (but was very difficult). Perhaps that should have been a proper red flag. And we argued again last night about buying a new home, and he told me he’s not sure he wants to be married.

So… I am really at a loss. Now he doesn’t want to be married???? I feel like I can’t talk to my husband about my needs/wants about this one very important thing, without it turning into a fight. I feel like my needs are not important, and fairly dismissed in this respect. I’m not trying to paint myself with a rosy hue – maybe there’s an angle to this I am overlooking. Maybe I am in the wrong, and if so, I need some objective opinions. He lost his temper again last night, and I do feel that I kept my cool and did not match his anger. I told him I would be spending the next night (tonight) in my own house, because I think we need some time to think.

Thanks for reading, and for any wisdom to impart! If I am being uncool or unsupportive or something of that ilk, I would rather know than not. I am currently unsure how to make this better.

I think if my husband to be told me to not send out the wedding invitations (unless it was for something like an uncertain surgery date, etc.), i would end it right there.

I can understand about both wanting your houses, but there has to be compromise somewhere. You are compromising by selling your house (although i think taking it off the market to rent it might be wiser so that you have an asset), but he is not willing to live anywhere else.

Would you be comfortable if you rented out a small office space to work from? I have a friend who works from home and goes to a new "coworking" place that is specifically for people who work from home but want a day or two where they don't feel isolated - they can use the wifi and some office machines. I think there is a sandwich shop or coffee bar attached and a baby room where moms who are working from home part time after maternity leave look in on the baby every hour but there is someone there to watch them, too.

I honestly suggest marriage counseling. Since you are married this man, I think you owe it to the marriage to do that. maybe a counselor can figure out what each of you is not hearing from eachother.

its not so much not agreeing on the house that worries me as much as the anger over it that there seems to be.

If after this he refuses to live with you, you may have no choice but to leave

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And we argued again last night about buying a new home, and he told me he’s not sure he wants to be married.

somehow i missed this. Not sure if he believes this, or if this is a manipulative statement. But either way, i think you need to go to marriage counseling. That would make it over for me if someone doesn't want to be married to me. It seems, though, like my ex, he is into making hurtful statements. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'd definitely take the house off the market for the time being. Unless he expresses in marriage counseling that he is just acting in fear and has some sort of breakthrough.

He wanted to live next door to his Mom, mortgage-free, and enjoy his handiwork. Reluctantly, I agreed to live at his house for an undetermined amount of time, until we bought a new house together.

I think he told you clearly what he was going to do, and you still think he'll sell it and move? i think you are in denial if you think he is going to sell the house. HE CAN'T - its on family property. Unless the family agrees to sell. I really think this is a case where you are slightly in denial about that. Unless he lets a nephew or another family member live there in his stead, he can't truly sell it depending on how many family members own the property.

I have to say that my guy told me early on that he wanted to stay in his house. His house was his grandparents house that he purchased and renovated and he had a few acres. He always wanted to buy it and that he had mostly already paid it off. He said this in the "getting to know you" stage. Because i did not own a home, i was okay with this. It was somewhere that was a reasonable distance from things or people i wanted to be near, etc, so i was willing to see where it went. He wasn't totally living in it when we met due to bathroom renovations at the time, etc, however. But then again - there were no explosive arguments because he put his cards on the table early on and it was that way from the beginning. And it was up to me to decide to continue or not.

I would either take my home off the market and make it available to you or temporary rent it to hang onto it as your asset.

Thank you so much for your reply and thoughts. I truly appreciate objective opinions here!

The wedding invitation debacle was awful. It took us days to sift through and end that argument, and I felt like we reached a good point in the end. He is attached to this home - it's where he grew up, and he has strong opinions. But given his wedding stance comment, I dug pretty deep into that argument to find our "peace". He ultimately apologized and said he wanted to get married. But truth be said, his apology did not come easily. He's never quick to say I'm Sorry to anyone.

I'd like to rent the house and we talked about that. In our local market, however, we would lose money on renting the house, because the new mortgage payment is significantly higher than what a rent would command. Great idea, though. With property taxes, my house was recently assessed for $60K above its last value, because it hasn't been properly assessed for 6 years, and the local market skyrocketed in the past 2 years. So that was a nasty surprise.

I am familiar with "co-working", and that's also a great idea! I feel very fortunate in having a job that offers flexibility b/c I'm an independent consultant. I'm usually in the office 3 or 4 days per week, and work from home one or two days. Some days, I chose to willingly work at home. Other days, my boss tells everyone to work remotely. It's kind of hither-thither. Co-working might work, although if I could sheepishly add - I do like working "from home" sometimes. It's a HUGE part of the reason why I took this job.

Counseling - I think so too. This has crossed my mind in the last day. I think that's great advice. He might not be into it, knowing his personality and such, but I want to at least try. Thank you for your thoughts abitbroken!

He sounds like there is no way he will leave that house and if it's family property he cant sell it. I fear you have made a big mistake and ignored some red flags. If I was you, I would not sell your house, I'd keep it and try to rent it out as you may need it down the road. Marriage counselling is a very good idea, but would he go? You could go without him. You may need to talk to a lawyer to learn your rights. I wish I felt positive for you but I dont, sorry.

Thank you again! Yes, he said last night that he's not sure he wants to be married. I also don't know if it's a true sentiment or a manipulative one. Frankly, either one is not a good start to a marriage, in my estimation.

He wanted to live next door to his Mom, mortgage-free, and enjoy his handiwork. Reluctantly, I agreed to live at his house for an undetermined amount of time, until we bought a new house together.

^^ Yes, regarding this. So, both houses (his and his Mom's) have been in their family for about 70 years. Both houses are paid off. The home where we are living (the renovation project) has no mortgage and was left vacant for years after my husband's siblings in their pre-married years rotated in and out of the house. Before my husband started fixing up the house this year, it was vacant for 7 years. He cannot sell the house - it's his Mom's house, and she will hold onto the property because it's where she grew up. She is letting my husband (and now me) live there for free, and my husband has been doing renovations for the last year. If the house goes vacant again, it wouldn't impact his Mom's finances. And if/when we vacate, she will not sell that house - and will likely not rent it out either.

I appreciate how you laid out your experience in a similar respect - thank you for sharing. It sounds like your guy had your best interests in mind, and was looking to gel your interests with his! Very nice!

Hi again everyone - just to clear up a fairly common question that my original post did not articulate - my husband would not ever be in a position to sell the house in which we're living. The house is 70 years old, paid off, and owned by his Mom. She is letting him (and us) stay there rent-free. I am still paying my current mortgage until my house sells, but just to be clear - we do not own the title on my husband's house.

Thanks Melancholy123... I posted above about your question regarding selling, just to clear up matters for the record. I might have ignored some red flags, hoping the initial arguments were cursory and easy to move past. Now I see it differently. I'm not sure if he would go to counseling, but it's worth a try. I love him, but it wouldn't make sense for me to go to counseling alone. Thanks for your thoughts, even if you feel a bit pessimistic. I appreciate all advice and opinions. This is strange territory.

Counselling could help you see things more clearly about your options and how to proceed with your husband. It cant hurt to go by yourself. Consider individual counselling, if he won't go to marriage counselling.

What happens when mom dies? Does the house then get sold and the kids split the money? There needs to be a plan in place for that.

Melancholy123 - I hadn't really thought about counseling for myself. Thanks for outlining some objectives - that's the first I've thought of it, stemming from your post.

Regarding the property - his Mom has a will in place, and I don't know all of the details, being an in-law "newbie", but it's my understanding that the property will be sold and proceeds divvied amongst his seven siblings. Don't know the specifics, but that's the crux, and it's in writing.

Hey flyingkites, sorry to hear of your struggles.

My wife and I argued about where to live a lot before we got married. I was living in the country in a home I had designed and built, and she lived in the city in an apartment. My home was paid for so like your husband it was hard emotionally to let go of the place I'd worked on and had allowed me a certain degree of financial freedom.

The hardest thing for me was that my wife was seemingly insensitive to the amount of work and time I had put into it. To me it felt as though living in my place was the clear answer to allow us a better life at the beginning of our marriage. I ended up selling the home and moving to an apartment in the city for her, and I resent it a little still.

But -- that sounds much different in some ways than your situation. I would never want my wife to be in an unsafe area. I think that is more of an issue than the work thing, which is something that although important, could be worked out with different alternatives.

I just signed up for this site and am on here because I'm uncertain about my marriage (married three years, dated 1.5 years before that). Looking back in regards to the living situations, I think any of them would have been okay if it felt we were really a team in the situation. I felt as though my wife was more concerned with herself than "us." That's really the difference between the situation having solutions and it becoming much more, like it is for you. I think the marriage has to take priority and be able to be honestly communicated in a very open, safe, loving way. I do not feel that happened in my situation... and here I am in a marriage where most of my needs are dismissed without the loving concern I think both sides should show for each other. It was likely a sign of the future.

You need to think about what the problems really are for you, what your objective is in your situation, and what your alternatives are. This is info from a book I read for business things called Smart Choices. If you google "Smart Choices PRoACT" you will find some summaries -- it wouldn't let me post a URL.

I myself don't have clarity on my own marriage so can't give rock-solid advice. I would not marry my wife if we were to do this over, but I figure marriage is something you really should try very hard at before throwing in the towel.

I hope something in here helps. I feel your struggle though -- good luck.

2RiverJoe - your post really, really resonates. Thank you for sharing your experience here - our circumstances sound somewhat similar. I am really sorry that you are/were experiencing this, and I think you hit upon a succinct point for both your scenario and mine: where's the "team"? Every relationship will be rife with compromises, but if you don't handle them as a team resentment can build - as it sounds for you and me and our current mind-sets.

I hope your marriage will prevail, and I can truly appreciate the delicate balance here. In a way, in the scenario you presented, you are MY husband and I am YOUR wife. Your goals in living in your home are notable and make sense, and I am certain my husband would agree. In our scenario, in my opinion, it doesn't make sense to live in house very long (more than 6 months) for the reasons cited in my original post, but also financial as well - we're 38 years old and we both wants kids - it makes sense to find a nice home to put down roots and hopefully grow a family, and secondly a financial investment. We can't do any of that living at his renovated house on his mom's property. Although, I will say, that your commentary about designing/building a home makes me appreciate more his handiwork, blood, sweat, and tears.

I know you are wading through your marriage and clarity, and I wish you every ounce of happiness and success. If I can ever be of help, just a person to ping ideas off of, I would be more than happy. Good luck to you 2RiverJoe, and thank you for your poignant remarks.

Sorry you are going through this, I could see how it's frustrating. I think the real problem here is you both are very obstinate that you can't come to a compromise. Maybe couples counselling will help you work this out? If not than, you have to think it through if this marriage is important or moving houses is more important. I just don't know what else you could do if you can't talk about it with him. Do you think it's the way you bring up the subject?

You do not sound like a diva, as it sounds unsafe, unfinished and noisy. it sounds miserable.

He is going back on his word and being unreasonable. It seems that his ego, is more important than your safety and happiness.

I do think that marriage counseling would benefit the marriage. A counselor would ask him questions such as, "Do you want to raise your children in this neighborhood?"

In addition, he is not really making a sound financial decision to remain in that home. It is based solely on emotions from what I can see. He may be increasing equity in the house by working on it, only to have that equity divided 8 ways between himself and his siblings. He gets 1/8 of the profit.

That is most likely how it will come down.

The worst of it is that it sounds like a dangerous place to live. That would make me really unhappy.

It sounds like he is going back on his word. He did say that the plan was for the two of you to purchase a home together of your own; correct? If that is what he said, he breached his promise to you. I think that you would not have married him if you knew this was going to become a huge issue. You married him under false pretenses. How could you possibly raise a family in this house?? chi

Since living there for nearly four months, I have, on a few occasions, brought up the notion of looking for a new home together this summer – which is a somewhat sooner timeline than what we originally discussed.

So you're changing the timeline? That's why he's digging in--he feels like you're doing a bait and switch.

If your place is still on the market, why not just move into it on your own? Tell him the place is open to him on occasions he wants to stay during his reno, and tell him you're open to looking for a new place whenever he wants.

Meanwhile, I'd take the convo about his house off the table--he's determined to keep it as his project, and he made that clear from the start. You can't marry the guy and then manipulate him away from that.

You are at an impasse. You want to live in your house and he wants to live in his. He has his reasons (next to mother, no mortgage, likes working on it, etc) and you have your reasons (you like your house, area better, etc.)

This was no provision or discussion prior to marriage about ever moving out of his house or selling it. The only agreement prior to marriage was to move into his house and sell yours. Now you keep going back on that.

How awful would it be for you to consider "separate but together".... being married, but living separately until your home sells and you find a place together?

So you're changing the timeline? That's why he's digging in--he feels like you're doing a bait and switch.

 

If your place is still on the market, why not just move into it on your own? Tell him the place is open to him on occasions he wants to stay during his reno, and tell him you're open to looking for a new place whenever he wants.

 

Meanwhile, I'd take the convo about his house off the table--he's determined to keep it as his project, and he made that clear from the start. You can't marry the guy and then manipulate him away from that.

We talked about the timeline prior to me moving into the house in January. It was a pretty fluid timeline - we talked about maybe a year, perhaps longer if the situation worked out well. But we didn't have hard dates set, because there was so much going on, with planning a wedding, continued reno on the house, etc.

After I moved in in January, I realized pretty quickly that the living situation was uncomfortable, unsafe, etc. I had spent *some* time in his house prior to moving in, but we never really hung out there, because it was always under construction! After being there for a few weeks, I approached the topic of perhaps bumping up the timeline for looking for a new house to *this* summer, because the living situation was pretty difficult. Two adults, two dogs, and about 600 sqft of living space, etc. He was furious, and felt that I was changing the plan on him. That's when he told me not to send out the wedding invitations. We got past that bump, and didn't talk about moving to a new house until a few weeks after the wedding. Again, he got furious, but conceded that maybe buying a house this summer is OK. I brought it up again two nights ago, and he was furious once more, and told me he wasn't sure he wants to be married.

This home is his project, and I would be more than fine with him keeping this as a project, even once we buy a new home together. He's fixing it up for his family to eventually sell, and he takes pride in that. I don't want to take this project away from him at all.

I'm more upset by his unwillingness to take my happiness into account here, than I am about the actual living situation. I can't bring up the topic of moving without a serious argument and threats against our marriage. That's kind of messed up.

To address WithLove's comment, I would rather not living in two separate homes during our marriage (him remaining in his, me moving back into my home that's on the market) - although I spent the night there last night (what does one do when she learns her husband may not want to be married)?

Thanks again for the advice!

He's not responsible for your happiness when you both agreed to move into that place (although reluctantly on your part)and sell your house.

Using emotions to manipulate the situation won't work. Come up with a logical compromise about the situation. For now, you knew the deal before marrying that he wanted to live there and you agreed to move in and sell your place.

Now you are arguing chronically and manipulating in order to bait and switch your premarital agreement.

I'm more upset by his unwillingness to take my happiness into account here, than I am about the actual living situation. I can't bring up the topic of moving without a serious argument and threats against our marriage.

What about - looking for a place to rent so that you both can live comfortably while he finishes the house to make it more livable? Would it be easier for you to stay there if there was more livable space?

If you don't feel safe walking from the driveway to the front door...you shouldn't be living there. I vote for either selling your place and buying a place you can afford on your own...or getting a roommate to help with expenses and live at your place until he figures out what he's doing.

Things change. My husband (then bf) moved in with me...and the plan was to live there for 6-12 months before buying a place together...we made it a few weeks before I asked him if we could start looking for a place. With his stuff and my stuff...it was just too cramped. My entryway had floor to ceiling boxes- there was a small pathway to the door. It just wasn't working. We started looking at houses during that conversation. It would have been nice to stay in my place and have a lower mortgage payment...but it just wasn't working. Sometimes things change. You have it a go...it's time for him to try to compromise too (by finding a place you're both happy in) or this isn't a viable marriage.

I'd like to rent the house and we talked about that. In our local market, however, we would lose money on renting the house, because the new mortgage payment is significantly higher than what a rent would command. Great idea, though. With property taxes, my house was recently assessed for $60K above its last value, because it hasn't been properly assessed for 6 years, and the local market skyrocketed in the past 2 years. So that was a nasty surprise.

I think renting the house - even if you come up a little short on mortgage is better than nothing. You would be paying on the house if you lived there, so being able to use someone else's money to offset the mortgage might be a good idea. But also run the numbers and see what the deduction would be if you claimed part of the space as a home office and you went to your house to work. I am not sure what you do, but if you use a bedroom as an office, or you need more room because you use different equipment, etc, run what that number is.

How old is mom by the way? Also, is there a possibility that he could buy siblings out or if the property could be divided? if there is a driveway/access road to each house, and the utilities aren't tied (ie, the electricity comes off the pole or ground individually to both houses and doesn't go from one to the other, etc, ditto the gas line), this is possible where he could propose dividing the property and buying the siblings out of that parcel.

At any rate - maybe instead of fighting him. why not decide you are okay with living in the house BUT keeping yours and renting it out so you have something for retirement since you have no legal right to his house, and asking that the driveway and entry area as well as a primary bathroom, etc be worked on first to make it liveable for you. Or that at a certain time at night the drills and saws are off.

It is hard to completely be on your side 100% and not something like at least 60-40% when you knew the arrangement ahead of time. I don't see him moving until mom dies unless he can buy out the siblings and it can be your joint home.

I still think the way he is handling it is not great (saying that he is rethinking the marriage), but if there was a possible my spouse did not want to live with me after marriage, or did a 180 flip after there was an agreement, i would be questioning also.

I DO think you should have postponed the wedding instead of making a compromise that both of you were not comfortable with completely. It was just enough compromise to get through the ceremony and it wasn't a real compromise at all because both of you had a finger crossed behind your back.

I don't think any fingers were crossed behind our backs. Our tentative move-out date was pretty fluid, and nothing was set in stone. I was willing to live in the home for as long as a year, but after moving in, the living situation was not ideal. It's not like I gave him my word on living there with the under-handed intent to maliciously cut our time short. I was just really surprised by how difficult of an arrangement the house actually is, and I felt like we needed to have a discussion to adjust our timeline.

Under no circumstances did I ever approach this conversation from the perspective of "We need to move soon, OR ELSE." The way I handled it was to frame the discussion as to why it makes sense to cut our stay there short for XYZ reasons. I never issued an ultimatum - I simply wanted to DISCUSS the issue, as a couple/team. However, my husband is not willing/able to discuss this calmly, as he loses his temper and starts making threats to our marriage.

I realize that some on this thread have opined that I am walking back on my commitment to live there, but I don't feel that's entirely accurate. I am still living there, and we had no established "end date" for when we planned to move out of his house. What I wanted was a discussion about moving sooner, because the living situation is not ideal for both of us. In my view, if the roles were reversed, I would ABSOLUTELY want to know if my husband felt uncomfortable or unsafe where we living, and I would do something about it. His happiness is just as important as mine. But I cannot even have a rational discussion with him over this - it's all yelling and marriage threats. That's the thing that is truly confounding me.

Argh! This is so complicated! Thanks again - I know I still have to respond to a couple of other questions and thoughts - thank you again, everyone, for your feedback! I'll respond with more a bit later!