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Should I let my boyfriend stay overnight with his friends?


MeTho

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Hi there. Firstly thank you for reading this post. I am a new member to this forum, and also will soon be new immigrant of the UK so basically there are so many I don't know and I don't really have any friend to ask. All of your advice will be so valuable to me and I highly appreciate.

 

I am 31 and my BF is 30. I am Asian and he is British.I am now living in my country but will come to UK next month because we plan to get marriage on July. We have been together for 2 years and staying in his flat for 1,5 year when I stayed in UK as a student. I don't have anything to complain about my BF. He works hard, spends most of his free time with me and is supportive and loyal. However there is a minor problem that we can't compromise as I mentioned in the tittle of this post. He wants to go out with his friends overnight for at least once a year.

 

Please do not misunderstand me. People may say its ONCE a YEAR, why do I have to be upset? Please have a look at my culture and my situation before judging me. Firstly in my country if you are in a serious relationship you will not go out overnight without your partner. Or you take her with you, or you go home with her! Secondly if you are an immigrant you may understand my situation: My family and friends is 7000 miles away, I don't really know anybody in the UK (except his parents and sister but I find it hard to share this issue with them because they probably are on his side), my English is not too bad but I still struggle to understand English-speaking TV programs, and my financial situation doesn't allow me to go out drinking or doing shopping to entertain. So basically, he becomes my whole world. As much as I am trying to be independent, I am still dependent on him somehow because UK is his home country not mine!

 

About him, as I have said, he is perfect except the fact that he insists that he will go out overnight with his friends at least once a year. His reason is that They will drink and because its illegal to drink and drive, they will pay hotel and stay together until the next day. When we stayed together in the past, they still went out when he was free (he works shifts) and often arrived home around 4am. I am Ok with this even thought I have to confess that it's difficult to sleep without him and I feel unsafe at night when he is not around. But I know that it's wrong to stop him seeing his friends, I am not that selfish. However I find leaving your partner alone at home overnight to go out and drink, especially when she has to leave her whole family and friends and go 7000 miles to be with you is not the right thing to do. When he visited my family in my countries, I have never left him alone no matter how busy I was!

 

Problem is he can't understand how I feel and I can't understand how he feels. When I tried to talk it through he started blaming me to be selfish, controlling, jealous, possessive and he even said that I am breaking the UK law because it's said in the law that I can't stop him seeing his friends. I don't stop him, he is still going out with his friends when he is free, but I don't feel right when he leaves me at home alone overnight to go out for drink and clubbing. He said I am making him feel like he is losing his freedom and he will stick to his words whatever I say. So I compromised, I asked him 1/To take me with him when he wants to stay out overnight, I will let him hang out with his friends and sit at another table and I and him will stay in a separated hotel room then go back in the next morning together or 2/ Please wait until I come to back to my country to visit my family (I plan to do it once a year) then he can stay out with his friends as many nights as he wants. But he refused these two options. He said he wants "boy night out" and because I am a girl, I am not allowed to attend.

 

Now I feel sad about my situation. It is only 3 weeks left until my flight to the UK. I have the the marriage visa, we plan our future together, my family and friends know about us. How can I stop? I don't know what to do because there may be cultural difference that I have not understood clearly. So please could you advise me 1/ Is it normal in Western cultures that your partner will time to time leave you at home overnight to hang out with his friends drinking and clubbing? 2/ Am I selfish, controlling, jealous and possessive as he said? As I am leaving my whole family and friends and even my job behind to be with him, I find it offended when he used all of these bad words to describe me.

 

Thank you again for reading my post. And I am sorry if my English is not good enough!

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You two are not compatible. Choose a lifetime partner who doesn't do this. I chose a man who has healthy hobbies that don't include regular drinking, or going out with guys until 4 a.m. or the whole night, because that sort of man doesn't appeal to me.

 

He's told you he's not going to change, and when the newness of the marriage wears off, he may even do it more often than once a year, since his present behavior hasn't been a deal breaker for you so far.

 

You both sound very young. Speaking as an older woman with a lot of lifetime experience, I see your pending marriage as a huge mistake. You should be choosing a man who meets all of your main needs. Love by itself is not enough to make a marriage successful. When single people enter into an exclusive relationship, they usually evolve into a different way of living, whereas you're accountable to each other and activities need to progress in ways that cement the bond, not pull it apart.

 

My suggestion is to stay in your country and learn from your experience that this is not the immature, unhealthy relationship that you will settle for. You can do far better with your one precious life.

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It's ONE night! Good grief! You are going to live in a western country, and I think it is time that you changed your attitude and lost your insecurities, or you will lose your bf.

 

It is NOT healthy to spend all of your time together. Healthy couples have outside interests. You sound smothering!!! You need to gain some independence. Now!!!!!

 

Who cares if your family is far, you knew this when you decided to move. I agree with this: "selfish, controlling, jealous, possessive."

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You two are not compatible. Choose a lifetime partner who doesn't do this. I chose a man who has healthy hobbies that don't include regular drinking, or going out with guys until 4 a.m. or the whole night, because that sort of man doesn't appeal to me.

 

He's told you he's not going to change, and when the newness of the marriage wears off, he may even do it more often than once a year, since his present behavior hasn't been a deal breaker for you so far.

 

You both sound very young. Speaking as an older woman with a lot of lifetime experience, I see your pending marriage as a huge mistake. You should be choosing a man who meets all of your main needs. Love by itself is not enough to make a marriage successful. When single people enter into an exclusive relationship, they usually evolve into a different way of living, whereas you're accountable to each other and activities need to progress in ways that cement the bond, not pull it apart.

 

My suggestion is to stay in your country and learn from your experience that this is not the immature, unhealthy relationship that you will settle for. You can do far better with your one precious life.

 

C'mon! It is once a year, not once a week!

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Hope your flight is round trip.

 

You're incompatible. And, no, I don't care if maybe he could do with going out until 4:00am a bit less. Telling him he can't stay overnight somewhere one night a week is ridiculous. Date within your own culture if it's that big a deal.

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I've gone away overnight with girlfriends. My husband would have been bored to tears listening to us giggle, talk about hair and skin products, shopping and sharing appetizers and wine and apple martinis. He didn't see it as a betrayal but rather he was relieved that he wasn't asked to come along!

 

I do have to giggle about your suggestion that you go along but sit alone at a different table.

 

What is it you're afraid of? That he might have sex with another woman if you're not glued to his side? Because if you fear he'll cheat you don't trust him and shouldn't marry him.

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This is what I am lack of here: no family or friends. I cant meet up with girls, chat about man, skin or hair products. Because they are 7000 miles away.

I want to go with him because i want to meet his friends and see how they are. Having been together for 2 years, i have never met his friends. He doesnt want to introduce me even we will get married in the next 3 months. This can be a part of the reasons why I feel insecure.

When I visit my country, he can stay overnight as often as he wants. Basically I trust him. But i dont know why when I am with him and he mentioned staying out overnight with his friends then I start to feel bad. It probably because I feel like I am sacrificing my life to be with him and he wants to be with his friends instead

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Thank you for ur straightforward comment. If its popular in western cultures then i will have to change myself. When in Rome, do as Rome does!

However its still not fair on me as if i were this selfish I wouldnt give up my life to be with him. It requires a lot of efforts to come to a new country and restart your life again on your own. I basically think we need more time to understand each other and compromise.

We dont spend all of our time together, as I mentioned, he still goes out with his friends but he often comes home around 4 am. Its around once a week. But I feel bad if he stays overnight. I read other posts, some women feel the same, some even locked their BF out if he arrives home later than 2. So the thing is that we are compatible or not. And Andrina is right, now he wants at least 1 a year, he may wants more in the future. That's what I can predict.

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Its because I has not been there yet. I was there before in my uni but all of my uni friends came back to their country. I am the only one who returns.

For long term i of course will know more ppl. But at the moment I think I will be on my own for a while.

And he doesnt want One night. He wants at least one night. I know it will be more and more in the future. Many people dont stay out overnight and I guess this is who i should date. We probably are not compatible.

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I think that you should be concerned that you will not be introduced to his friends. You haven't met any of his friends?????

 

You need to meet new people. I don;t care where you live. You need to get involved in an English convo program. I suggest English in Action, they are based in the UK- I volunteer for them in the the US.

 

I also suggest you look up ex pat groups in your new city. You need to have your own friends!!!!!

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I have never met any of his friends. Once he mentioned taking his best friend to our flat but he changed his mind at the last minute. Later he did bring this guy to our flat but it was when i was back to my country for holiday. I guess the timing he chose is not an accident. He doesnt want his friends to meet me.

I will find friends and job there, if I come and get married. Otherwise I still have 3 weeks to cancel if we are not compatible like others are commenting. But u know relationship, we go on and off and in most cases u cant turn ur back easily if u love ur partner dearly

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I thought he was 20. Staying out till 4 AM on a weekly basis at 30 is concerning.

 

He told you that you will never meet his friends? If so, then you need to end this now. Why would he keep you a secret????

 

Have you met his family? Did he take you out to places? Did you always go out alone together?

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I met his family last July. They are really really kind and I love them. I still talk to his mum now and she always says she is looking forward to seeting me again. I dont think he is cheating on me because his family knows me. But the reasons why he keeps me as a secret to his friends is still a myth i did ask and he refused to answer.

Apart from this problem he is perfect. As I was an international student he is the one who supports me mentally. He takes me out to many places as well. We have been to some countries in Europe and last new year holiday I took him back to my family and visited some countries in Asia. I do love him and as I look deep in my heart I think I can feel his love to me.

The only matter is, as I mentioned, he is 30. He goes out with his friends (whom I dont know) weekly, or every 10 days, arrive home around 4am. Now he wants extra overnights as well AT LEAST once a year. I am just trying to figure out the Western culture. If u think its normal for a guy at his age going out like this then I will have to learn to accept!

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This is not western culture where a 30 year old stays out till 4 am, weekly. Either he has problems with alcohol, or is very immature!

 

You are missing a very important point : you are a secret to your bf's friends. Either he is ashamed of them, or is ashamed of you. He is keeping a big part of his life from you. This is huge! I do not understand why you do not get this!

 

You need to get your head out of the clouds and realize you are walking into a problem relationship!

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Hi, sorry to hear this but I think you should call the wedding off.

 

His reluctance to introduce you to his friends is very concerning.

 

It is not Western culture for a person in a relationship to go on drinking benders until 4am on a weekly basis at 30 years old, this is typical of younger people in their late teens, early twenties who are single or in less committed relationships.

 

It is however acceptable and actually encouraged in Western UK culture for a coupled person to have guys/girls nights or weekends their friends that will occasionally involve an overnight stay.

 

Once every few months is ideal. You will be considered controlling and insecure to try and prevent this and to suggest you tag along will be considered extreme and very weird behaviour. The only time you could expect to get away with telling him no to this is if you have young children, in particular a new baby.

 

It is actually tradition before the wedding for grooms to have stag do's where they will go away with males (and occasionally a tomboy female friend) to celebrate their upcoming wedding. Brides will have a hen do which is their equivalent.

 

If you decide to go ahead with the wedding do your best to find local friends with similar interests and hobbies. Western culture frowns upon such dependence upon your partner. Meet up is a great website that I use to find local activities to make new friends.

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It's really concerning how you feel you are sacrificing everything to be with him. That's not healthy. And the level of resentment it will cause, this pressure you are putting on him to be your world because 'I gave up everything!' is going to create massive resentments on both sides. Even if he didn't want to go out with his friends to drink, and you knew them, it would be a massive problem for any healthy man. Wifey thinking she has to be attached at the hip, to the point of sitting at another table to monitor him- it's creepy and controlling, that suggestion.

 

Its pretty clear this is a train wreck waiting to happen. You don't know each wel enough to be getting married. He clearly likes his drink. Not all men do, that's not about culture. And he hides you from his friends, a good sign you aren't compatible.

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He did not ask you to move to UK and be 7,000 miles away from you family...that's the difference here. It's not fair of you to move to his country and tell him how it's going to be.

If he did this every weekend I would see it as a problem, but once a year? He still has a life outside of you and so he should have. You cannot and should not be taking everything from him and as he has said..controlling him.

It's wrong.

If he is being fair on all other areas, then you bend and don't bother him about this. He will resent you if you make problems for him about it.

That's my opinion.

 

I read more on the posts...he drinks till 4 am!!?? That's not normal nor is that good. Most women would be very concerned about that! Men his age don't do that unless he is an alcoholic or is cheating. He doesn't need to stay gone all night to cheat.

Secondly is he ashamed of you? Why do you not know his friends? That's highly unusual.There is something very wrong here and him being gone one night a year is small in comparison to these other things.

 

You want to sit at a table if he is out with his friends??

 

Oh my goodness, call the marriage off NOW. You are headed for massive problems and you haven't even moved yet. You are going to be a very unhappy woman and you are trying to control him already and he still wants to run around..

This is never going to work. The resentment is already starting on both ends and it will get worse...much worse.

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I really don't care if it's not normal or healthy. It's who he is. It's what he does. You accept it or you don't. You don't move into the situation hoping it'll change.

 

Stories of "he's perfect in every way except [x]" is a dozen. Well, the [x] is included in the package. It doesn't go away because you like everything else. Be an adult and evaluate whether it's worth it to you or not.

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