*URGENT HELP* my mom's boyfriend is cheating on her...she doesn't know

My mom and her boyfriend have been dating for about 9 years. They got together about 3 years after my dad died. The first 5 years of their relationship was online since he was stationed in Afghanistan. For the past 2 years or so he's been living with us. He and I have a weird relationship; some days we will get along but most days he is acting childish and we end up fighting. He is hypocritical and manipulative. But he has been with my mom for so long that I put up with it. Recently they've been fighting a lot and sleeping in separate bedrooms because he always seems to upset her. One night, after they had retreated into different rooms, I was using his computer to work on a project. I was trying to send the project to my own email so that I could retrieve it at school, however I was not receiving it. I checked the sent mail to make sure had pressed the button and that's when I found the emails. He had been emailing other girls. One that disturbed me most was his response to a Craigslist add. It was about a month ago and he had apparently hooked up with a woman while out of state: while he was helping my recently widowed grandmother (my mom's mom) deal with all her financial business. There was also a more recent email of him making plans to meet up with another girl this weekend while he was out of town(going to a basketball game). My mom obviously doesn't know any of this because he would be gone within a blink of an eye if she did. The problem is, I don't know when or how to tell her, or if I should even tell her in the first place. I don't want to do it after they get in a fight but I also don't want to do it when we are sitting around watching tv and everything is "ok". Please help! I do not want to have to keep this from her for long. I feel guilty and sick!

P.S I do have pictures of the emails to show her

Your loyalty is to your mother, not to him. I would tell her.

I think your mom needs to know. She could have an STD (or several) and not even realize it.

Trust your intuition about when and how to disclose this information, but don't wait too long. Maybe plan a weekend trip or stay with friends/family for the night so you don't have to be there when she confronts him.

I would send her the proof, but remain anonymous. She does need to know...

Sorry to hear this. How old are you? Are there siblings at home too? Do you have any other close trusted relatives family you could talk to? It sounds like you hate that he lives there and "want him gone in the blink of an eye".

Do you think she already suspects it since they live like roommates now? Does he help her out financially? Is she willing to kick him out?

My mom and her boyfriend. the past 2 years or so he's been living with us. some days we will get along but most days he is acting childish and we end up fighting. I was using his computer to work on a project. He had been emailing other girls. One that disturbed me most was his response to a Craigslist add. It was about a month ago and he had apparently hooked up with a woman while out of state. My mom obviously doesn't know any of this because he would be gone within a blink of an eye if she did.

Sorry to hear this. How old are you? Are there siblings at home too? Do you have any other close trusted relatives family you could talk to? It sounds like you hate that he lives there and "want him gone in the blink of an eye".

 

Do you think she already suspects it since they live like roommates now? Does he help her out financially? Is she willing to kick him out?

I'm in high school and my brother is out of college. I told him and he suggested that we tell her together. I'm just worried about what will happen after. And if we tell her this weekend when he is out of town she will then have to deal with the fact that he could be cheating that very moment.

There's no good time for bad news. Just present your evidence to your mother and she has to take it from there.

I'm in high school and my brother is out of college. I told him and he suggested that we tell her together.

I would wait till Friday night when she can process it and tell her. It's better to do that than have him give her a disease and feel guilty that you didn't say anything.

I'm in high school and my brother is out of college. I told him and he suggested that we tell her together. I'm just worried about what will happen after. And if we tell her this weekend when he is out of town she will then have to deal with the fact that he could be cheating that very moment.

I don't think there will ever be a perfect time to tell her honestly. She is going to be really hurt either way. If that were my mom I'd give her time to figure it out. After she cooled down I'd give a little gift or reminder, that I'm here for her.

Get into that computer and print out proof immediately before he deletes everything. You absolutely need to tell your mother what you found asap, but it's best you have proof and open with that. Her being hurt is the least of your problems. He is exposing her to STD's. Her actual health is at risk here.

If you want your brother with you as back up and do sort of a family intervention, that's fine. The boyfriend being out of town when you talk to your mother is actually a good time. Gives her time to think and compose herself and sort out how she will deal with him, before she has to confront him face to face.

This must be an absolutely sickening thing to have to go through.

Maybe enlist your brother and tell her the news once he's gone this weekend. Sure, she may then have to cope with the idea that he may be cheating at that moment, but that will likely galvanise her feelings and push her into taking positive action which might be more difficult if he were around at the time. She will also have a bit of space in which to come to terms with reality.

As others have said, there's no good time to share this, and there's nothing to sugar coat it either. Wishing you and your family all the best in a terrible situation.

Either print it out and show it to her with brother...

Or if you think she would find excuses for him, or that he would put you in the middle of their crossfire if he found out you told her, send it to her from a fake email.

If you have a good relationship with her and mutual trust, i think it's safe to tell her and show her the emails.

Hurry before he deletes, yeah.

Excellent that he's out of town, she'll have time to compose herself before she speaks to him.

Go kiddo, the circumstances are in your favor.

After she cooled down I'd give a little gift or reminder, that I'm here for her.

Yes, it's going to hurt no matter what. But the timing is good. She'll have some time to get her feet back under her before the boyfriend comes home. You and your brother being there for her -- a little gift, making dinner, picking up some extra chores -- would help her feel less gloomy, I'm sure.

She may get mad at your or call you a liar (despite proof). This is just a projecting mechanism. She won't actually be bad at *you*. Tell her this weekend and be there for her in whatever capacity she needs - including leaving her alone if she wants space.

Try to think of it as a good thing. In telling her, she will get away from a man who does not respect or love her and she can then move onto someone else who hopefully will be much better for her.

For the time being it will sting, but it will pass.

She does need to know, just make sure you've got proof. Good luck with everything.

I'm in high school and my brother is out of college. I told him and he suggested that we tell her together. I'm just worried about what will happen after. And if we tell her this weekend when he is out of town she will then have to deal with the fact that he could be cheating that very moment.

Were you able to tell her?

I'm glad your brother suggested you telling her together. That gives you some support.

Please tell her. Show her the pics or emails. She needs to know. Wouldn't you want to know?

Were you able to tell her?

My brother is going to tell her tomorrow by himself. I won't be at the house. He thinks that is best. He has the pics

Please keep us posted.

Please keep us posted.

So my mom was pretty calm about it. She's gonna try and look into the emails and put some dates together and everything before bringing it up to him. But I think it's a good thing she knows.

She may have already suspected.

So my mom was pretty calm about it. She's gonna try and look into the emails and put some dates together and everything before bringing it up to him. But I think it's a good thing she knows.

Great job! That was a brave thing to do, but I think it was for the best!!