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Thread: Need some outside opinions

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2017
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    Need some outside opinions

    Hi everyone, I've never posted on anything like this before, so I'll try to do my best explaining my situation without it taking 5 hours to get through it. Long story short, I met this girl a few years back at a bar. I had this instant attraction to her. She was funny, beautiful, and I knew we would get along. Found out within 10 minutes of meeting her she was married. Bummer. Oh well, I never thought about her again because I am just not that type of person to pursue someone in any kind of relationship. Well fast forward two years until about 3 months ago. I find out she got divorced. I knew I had to find a way to talk to her. I messaged her on FB (only way I could think of) and we instantly hit it off. We talked for a few weeks back and forth and then finally met up. It was exactly as I had hoped. We had a blast and it felt so comfortable and it felt right. She ended up back at my house that night. One of the best nights ever. Well a week later after still talking she asks if she can be honest with me. I said sure, and she proceeded to tell me that she had liked one of her guy friends for a long time, and that he recently admitted to her that he had feelings as well. This is a friend of 6 years btw. So she tells me it would be best if we didn't speak and that it was horrible timing. That she felt such a connection to me already but it she had to pursue this guy. Ok, whatever, I said that sucked and planned on never speaking to her again. I was pretty bummed, but after a week I would have been fine.

    Well, she made it 10 minutes of not texting before she started messaging me again. This went on for weeks. We would see each other, have a ton of fun. I had never met anyone like her and have never been able to be myself like I was with her. But then she would disappear for a day or so. I hated that part, but it was worth it because I loved being around her. After about a month things got more serious. She said she had to take some time to figure out what she was doing, that she was confused, but she couldn't even stop talking to me for a day because she missed me or whatever. She tried blocking my number, but would message me through snapchat. She would say we had to be done, but then show up later on that day or night. Soon, there would be nights where she would cry and say what she's doing goes against her core values, that this isn't her. I was too emotionally invested to say no to her.

    Two months of this go by and finally I couldn't take it. I told her I could no longer respond or see her until she made up her mind. I had recently found out that this poor other guy didn't know anything about me, where the whole time she had been honest with me. I told her she had to tell him the truth. She agreed. She begged me to move on if she never talked to me again, said similar stuff like that the whole time. So three days go by, and she comes over and we cry and she tells me she was miserable. She told the guy and he is pissed off and she said it was awful. I didn't ask about the details because she was already so upset and she had at least talked to him. That following week was amazing. We saw each other every day, went to lunch, she would come over in the morning before work just to see me. At one point she said "I just feel like we are meant to be together" and "I'm all yours". I was thrilled.

    That was last week. Saturday night (after a "perfect" Friday night of staying in, according to her) she went out with some coworkers for a birthday party. She says maybe we can meet up later. I don't hear from her the rest of the night, not a big deal. Then I don't hear from her by noon, I send a text and ask her if she's alive...no response. I called once, no response. I let it go for a bit, figure her phone might be dead. Around 4pm I know something is wrong. It's not like her. I drive to her house and see another car in the driveway. At this point I had resorted to emailing her because I assume she blocked me. I am so confused, hurt, etc at this point in the day. She finally responds to one of our mutual friends and says "tell him I'm fine, I am just taking some time to think about things". She doesn't even have the decency to text me once? Or anything? Don't I deserve to know what was going on? I was so worried. Well I got super drunk (big mistake) and texted and emailed her awful things. I went a little crazy. I basically called her every bad name in the book and said the sex was bad (it wasn't at all, I just wanted to hurt her like she did me, and I knew that would get to her). So yeah, I'd say I sent 10 mean texts that I totally regret, although everyone I've told the story to thinks she deserved every word.

    Well I don't think she deserved it, and now she hates me. I realize it's over, and she made her decision and chose that guy (still very out of the blue after the amazing week we had before), but the next day made me feel like I did something wrong, she finally responded in the morning and said "Everything I have ever felt for you is gone after what you said. You can't take back words". I agree with that, but I was piss drunk and so hurt by her actions. I think it's justified. I think she can be a little pissed, but in the end it was her who did this. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions were the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. Should I feel guilt or remorse for what I've done? It's like I gave her the easy way out by blowing up like I did. I told her I was so sorry and I know she knows I didn't mean any of it, but for the past few days I've been miserable and beating myself up, but she is the one that messed up, right? Btw, we are both 35 years old. We are grown adults acting like high school kids. I just want to get over it, but it ended so badly when I have been so happy for months (minus the bad nights when she ghosted). I'm being a fool, aren't I?

  2. #2
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    Feb 2017
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    Originally Posted by karnage
    Hi everyone, I've never posted on anything like this before, so I'll try to do my best explaining my situation without it taking 5 hours to get through it. Long story short, I met this girl a few years back at a bar. I had this instant attraction to her. She was funny, beautiful, and I knew we would get along. Found out within 10 minutes of meeting her she was married. Bummer. Oh well, I never thought about her again because I am just not that type of person to pursue someone in any kind of relationship. Well fast forward two years until about 3 months ago. I find out she got divorced. I knew I had to find a way to talk to her. I messaged her on FB (only way I could think of) and we instantly hit it off. We talked for a few weeks back and forth and then finally met up. It was exactly as I had hoped. We had a blast and it felt so comfortable and it felt right. She ended up back at my house that night. One of the best nights ever. Well a week later after still talking she asks if she can be honest with me. I said sure, and she proceeded to tell me that she had liked one of her guy friends for a long time, and that he recently admitted to her that he had feelings as well. This is a friend of 6 years btw. So she tells me it would be best if we didn't speak and that it was horrible timing. That she felt such a connection to me already but it she had to pursue this guy. Ok, whatever, I said that sucked and planned on never speaking to her again. I was pretty bummed, but after a week I would have been fine.

    Well, she made it 10 minutes of not texting before she started messaging me again. This went on for weeks. We would see each other, have a ton of fun. I had never met anyone like her and have never been able to be myself like I was with her. But then she would disappear for a day or so. I hated that part, but it was worth it because I loved being around her. After about a month things got more serious. She said she had to take some time to figure out what she was doing, that she was confused, but she couldn't even stop talking to me for a day because she missed me or whatever. She tried blocking my number, but would message me through snapchat. She would say we had to be done, but then show up later on that day or night. Soon, there would be nights where she would cry and say what she's doing goes against her core values, that this isn't her. I was too emotionally invested to say no to her.

    Two months of this go by and finally I couldn't take it. I told her I could no longer respond or see her until she made up her mind. I had recently found out that this poor other guy didn't know anything about me, where the whole time she had been honest with me. I told her she had to tell him the truth. She agreed. She begged me to move on if she never talked to me again, said similar stuff like that the whole time. So three days go by, and she comes over and we cry and she tells me she was miserable. She told the guy and he is pissed off and she said it was awful. I didn't ask about the details because she was already so upset and she had at least talked to him. That following week was amazing. We saw each other every day, went to lunch, she would come over in the morning before work just to see me. At one point she said "I just feel like we are meant to be together" and "I'm all yours". I was thrilled.

    That was last week. Saturday night (after a "perfect" Friday night of staying in, according to her) she went out with some coworkers for a birthday party. She says maybe we can meet up later. I don't hear from her the rest of the night, not a big deal. Then I don't hear from her by noon, I send a text and ask her if she's alive...no response. I called once, no response. I let it go for a bit, figure her phone might be dead. Around 4pm I know something is wrong. It's not like her. I drive to her house and see another car in the driveway. At this point I had resorted to emailing her because I assume she blocked me. I am so confused, hurt, etc at this point in the day. She finally responds to one of our mutual friends and says "tell him I'm fine, I am just taking some time to think about things". She doesn't even have the decency to text me once? Or anything? Don't I deserve to know what was going on? I was so worried. Well I got super drunk (big mistake) and texted and emailed her awful things. I went a little crazy. I basically called her every bad name in the book and said the sex was bad (it wasn't at all, I just wanted to hurt her like she did me, and I knew that would get to her). So yeah, I'd say I sent 10 mean texts that I totally regret, although everyone I've told the story to thinks she deserved every word.

    Well I don't think she deserved it, and now she hates me. I realize it's over, and she made her decision and chose that guy (still very out of the blue after the amazing week we had before), but the next day made me feel like I did something wrong, she finally responded in the morning and said "Everything I have ever felt for you is gone after what you said. You can't take back words". I agree with that, but I was piss drunk and so hurt by her actions. I think it's justified. I think she can be a little pissed, but in the end it was her who did this. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions were the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. Should I feel guilt or remorse for what I've done? It's like I gave her the easy way out by blowing up like I did. I told her I was so sorry and I know she knows I didn't mean any of it, but for the past few days I've been miserable and beating myself up, but she is the one that messed up, right? Btw, we are both 35 years old. We are grown adults acting like high school kids. I just want to get over it, but it ended so badly when I have been so happy for months (minus the bad nights when she ghosted). I'm being a fool, aren't I?

    ------------------------------

    I'm sorry you're having to go through that. It sucks. I'm seven years younger than you and I've too been in situations like this.

    One thing that I noticed is that throughout the whole story you felt confused, unsure and sad, with little moments of bliss sprinkled in.
    Real love is not supposed to make you feel this way man. You shouldn't have to hear about another guy and be dragged along through that, but I completely understand why you do. I've done it too, lot's of times. When you have a love interest it's hard to hear your brain. It's much easier to listen to your heart. This is not your fault man. Not at all. You probably shouldn't have chewed her out in an e-mail but she kind of had it coming.

    This was her stringing you along because she couldn't understand her emotions. I like to say real love (when things are good) is like being at the beach: The sun's out, the weather is fine and you two have tons of room to run around and have fun. You feel free. In your story you probably felt the opposite: trapped by the other person, dependent on their next move, not knowing which emotion to feel, stuck. It's not fun man. Next time watch out for the red flags. The second she mentions another guy it's time to walk away. And if she ever comes back it could be real but she has to make an effort and prove it to you. I was recently in a similar situation where the girl had a long lost love in the military overseas, and on the fourth date she tells me that she's still in love with him and and might meet him in Italy for a romantic getaway. She took weeks to decide if she was gonna go and she strung me along the whole time. I should have gotten out of there but you know, that's life.

    I hope this helps a little bit. It'll be ok. Take care,

    Alex

  3. #3

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    Feb 2017
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    Originally Posted by mink23211
    ------------------------------

    I'm sorry you're having to go through that. It sucks. I'm seven years younger than you and I've too been in situations like this.

    One thing that I noticed is that throughout the whole story you felt confused, unsure and sad, with little moments of bliss sprinkled in.
    Real love is not supposed to make you feel this way man. You shouldn't have to hear about another guy and be dragged along through that, but I completely understand why you do. I've done it too, lot's of times. When you have a love interest it's hard to hear your brain. It's much easier to listen to your heart. This is not your fault man. Not at all. You probably shouldn't have chewed her out in an e-mail but she kind of had it coming.

    This was her stringing you along because she couldn't understand her emotions. I like to say real love (when things are good) is like being at the beach: The sun's out, the weather is fine and you two have tons of room to run around and have fun. You feel free. In your story you probably felt the opposite: trapped by the other person, dependent on their next move, not knowing which emotion to feel, stuck. It's not fun man. Next time watch out for the red flags. The second she mentions another guy it's time to walk away. And if she ever comes back it could be real but she has to make an effort and prove it to you. I was recently in a similar situation where the girl had a long lost love in the military overseas, and on the fourth date she tells me that she's still in love with him and and might meet him in Italy for a romantic getaway. She took weeks to decide if she was gonna go and she strung me along the whole time. I should have gotten out of there but you know, that's life.

    I hope this helps a little bit. It'll be ok. Take care,

    Alex
    Hey Alex, thanks for you response. I've read over it several times because it's exactly what I needed to hear. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only guy who has let something like this happen. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

  4. #4
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    She is a woman that doesn't love herself enough yet. She will keep trying to fit men in that gaping hole in herself... she may never be truly happy. Women that go through men like underwear and use them so fluidly are just insecure and needy of attention. You dodged a bullet. When she has been single for a while, and happy single... she will then be ready to appreciate a good man.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry, game over unless you want heartache.
    Originally Posted by karnage
    I met this girl a few years back at a bar. Found out within 10 minutes of meeting her she was married.


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