JaggerJim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 It wasn't very gentlemanly of him not to offer to pay something. He is a cheap-skate. He is a pen-stealer and a granola bar stealer too. He stays at ex-girlfriends houses too, to save a buck. I think you did the right thing for sure. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 This is the only solution he realizes he's at my place 95 percent of the time ] Link to comment
notalady Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Cheapskate, no arguments there. When we have BBQ gatherings at my boyfriend's place, I always chip in, not offering money but I pay for part of the groceries and drinks so we work out roughly even. He's not only being a little cheap, he's not the least bit gentlemanly. I was more shocked to read when he said you can go get the groceries and he'll just wait in the car. I mean...who does that?! It's not like you're just running to the convenient store to buy a stick of gum or something, you're going to be buying lots of things and will need help carrying them, possibly help to select things. Nothing to do with paying at all. Just general common courtesy. And he can't even do that. Of course, I know the motivation for him wanting to stay in the car was because then he had an excuse to not pay, but serious, just rude. I wouldn't even do that to a friend let alone a partner. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Ok - i will agree with the cheapskate thing. BUT i see a big pattern here. You and the first doctor: you were doing all the travel, buying the food, etc, seeing him when it was convenient for him and he didn't lift a finger - only another part of his body. You never met his friends. It was like you were the secret. Now you have a guy where he REALLY WANTED to meet your friends and he COMES OVER to your place and also wants to be seen with you - that's refreshing - but its the other extreme - he is ALWAYS at your place, and you still are doing the heavy lifting as far as getting all the food, doing all the cooking and the one put out - even if you are not traveling to his place. Maybe you were excited about this guy because outwardly, he was the opposite , he was willing to be seen with you, mix with your friends, go places with you, etc., but at the heart of it - you are still the one doing the doing. SO maybe you are on this meandering path where you will meet someone where there is some equilibrium, more of a give and take and when there is not, you discuss and don't test, so you are not torturing yourself so much. And the way he responses will be telling. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 SO maybe you are on this meandering path where you will meet someone where there is some equilibrium, more of a give and take and when there is not, you discuss and don't test, so you are not torturing yourself so much. And the way he responses will be telling. Great observation! I've been guilty of swinging too far the other way myself. Take a step back and look at it objectively. You might find yourself there. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Definitely his "sad" text is because he now has to find someone else's place to stay at who is willing to shell out $$ to buy him expensive food and drink. Maybe he'll have to dig into his supply of exes who might only throw him some Krispy Kremes and a cup of Folgers Instant. And just because he's "sad" doesn't mean he "gets" it. It doesn't mean he understands that his behavior was a turn-off. He just wants things back they way they were. Just realize if you respond and agree to take him back without a firm discussion of what you found unacceptable and what he plans to do to rectify it, you'll end up right back where you are. Resentful and turned off. And maybe next time stop trying to impress the men you're dating with expensive food and drink and inconveniencing yourself. You did that with the doctor and you did that with this man. You get them used to luxury items (that you CHOOSE to pay for) and used to you being super accommodating and then get angry when they don't seem to appreciate your efforts. Tone it down. Like, a lot. Definitely not trying to impress men with foods/drink. This is how I live when I'm single too. I guess I'll have to dumb my tastes down until I meet someone with snobbier taste buds than I. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 SO maybe you are on this meandering path where you will meet someone where there is some equilibrium, more of a give and take and when there is not, you discuss and don't test, so you are not torturing yourself so much. And the way he responses will be telling. I'm not so much testing. I'm more observing actions. Then I can make an intelligible decision whether to dump him or discuss changes that need to be made. In my current situation, I came to the conclusion I'd rather dump than discuss. It makes me really sad, but cheapskate is a deal breaker and that trait can rarely be changed. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Definitely not trying to impress men with foods/drink. This is how I live when I'm single too. I guess I'll have to dumb my tastes down until I meet someone with snobbier taste buds than I. I still don't get why you couldn't have just said "do you wanna go halves on these groceries?" Nothing wrong with asking someone to chip in. Seems that you preferred to test him and stew in annoyance, much like you did when he took your everything-else, instead of just speaking up and asking for what you want. Dumping him was the right thing to do. Not speaking up when you should isn't though, neither is testing people. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I'm not so much testing. I'm more observing actions. Then I can make an intelligible decision whether to dump him or discuss changes that need to be made. In my current situation, I came to the conclusion I'd rather dump than discuss. It makes me really sad, but cheapskate is a deal breaker and that trait can rarely be changed. Ok fair enough. I have to say you moved a lot faster at dumpling him than with the Doctor, which is good progress. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Ok fair enough. I have to say you moved a lot faster at dumpling him than with the Doctor, which is good progress. Dumpling. I love it. I cried for about a minute after he left. Then I spread out like a starfish smack in the middle of my bed under the down comforter eating mango mousse in a mason jar with a baby spoon and watched the SAG awards, trying to guess which actor had plastic surgery and texting my GFs….pretty much as happy as an old lady at a Bingo hall. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Dumpling. I love it. I cried for about a minute after he left. Then I spread out like a starfish smack in the middle of my bed under the down comforter eating mango mousse in a mason jar with a baby spoon and watched the SAG awards, trying to guess which actor had plastic surgery and texting my GFs….pretty much as happy as an old lady at a Bingo hall. Lol I type dumplings a lot (as much as I eat them), so my phone auto corrected lol... Link to comment
missmarple Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 He's just cheap. He reminds me of someone I used to date. Every time I was about to go to his home, he'd ring me nd say something like 'oh, I'm out of coffee (or cake or sugar or whatever), can you get some on your way here?'..which I did before I realized that a/he did it every single time, b/he never paid me the money for whatever I had bought and c/the rare times he brought anything when he came to my home, he'd eat or drink it himself! Link to comment
charity Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Haven't read the whole thread but quick question....is he low on money by any chance? Link to comment
Beth66 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Oh gosh I had one a bit like this. My ex would annoy me to the maximum. with anything to do with food. He would offer to buy me food then I would order the cheapest thing I could find and he would complain after getting it for me that I was too expensive. I am a vegetarian so it can be hard to find food at certain restaurants so I would always get something small like a side. I can remember one incident in particular that really made me angry and disgusted in him. We went out to eat Chinese food so there isn't a lot to eat for a vegetarian there so I got a small side and he got a normal sized meal, we were taking it home and he had already finished his and asked for a bite of mine which annoyed me since my was a way smaller portion than what he had already eaten. So he took my food and ate almost the entire thing and gave it back to me with no more than a bite or two left for myself. Things like this were not uncommon for him and it disgusted me completely. He would come to my house and my mom would make me special dishes to eat for my diet and he would eat almost all of it in a day. I know that your situation is different but also similar in the same feeling. He's taking your food and it bothers you. It can be annoying and I think that might be something to look for in the next guy. No matter how silly. Both of you should be contributing to paying for foods, not just you. If you're paying for all of it and he's eating it all that is really annoying. As for the gathering, if he wanted it so badly, half of the pay for you and half for him. He might have needed to be told that because I think some guys don't really understand how we feel about things like this. He might have been thinking about why you needed to spend so much for a few friends coming over so he let you be in charge. Though he should have put some money into it. Couples have to work as a team he wasn't really a team player. I'm just surprised that as he was leaving he remembered the food he left in the fridge to take with him. I never would have thought of that after a breakup. Don't be too sad, if it bothers you now, it will only get worse. Good luck!! Link to comment
JaredTheGhost Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Lol I type dumplings a lot (as much as I eat them), so my phone auto corrected lol... My husband and I have two giant bags of dumplings in the freezer. I boil, then fry them. ^_____^ Thank you for deciding my breakfast for me. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Clueless = change when behavior is commented on and person is asked to change. Bad behavior = no change if asked, "put up or shut up". I don't believe you ever asked him to change and were unwilling to, so it sounds like the relationship wasn't meant to work out anyway. It's also very possible that if you told him to knock it off, start paying for half of things, and stop mooching, then maybe he'd complain/give excuses or just ignore and keep doing what he was doing anyway. He sounds like a fundamentally inconsiderate and mannerless person. My boyfriend can be a little clueless sometimes. He's messy and spills things on himself if he isn't careful. He wears dark pants a lot because he's always having exploding ink pens in his pocket. Sometimes, when he reads his book next to me, he picks his nose when he's in deep thought and that DRIVES ME UP THE WALL. But he makes an effort. He is not a rude person, he is considerate of others' feelings, he is not a mooch, he pays his way, and if I make a face/comment when I see him digging to China, he stops and gets embarrassed. He doesn't willfully ignore me. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Picking one's nose is an afterthought or something done subconsciously. Standing to the side when it's time to pay a bill is willful and calculating. And C-H-E-A-P!!! Your boyfriend sounds adorable and I'd choose nose-picking over bill-dodging. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Picking one's nose is an afterthought or something done subconsciously.Your boyfriend sounds adorable and I'd choose nose-picking over bill-dodging. ] Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Oh man, while we are at it, I forgot to tell you guys this story too! Our plans for dinner last week... I was going to make BLTs and he was gong to make a salad. We went to the grocery store, and I saw him put a conventional apple, a conventional tomato and an avocado into his own hand basket. I have my own cart and I go in for the kill and get the netted bag of 25 mandarine oranges, a netted bag of 10 organic apples, and a netted bag of four avocados, and a little paper bag full of organic tomatoes on the vine. (Yes, I really do eat all of that fruit by myself throughout the week). I saw him put his apple and tomato and avocado back on the shelf. At the time, I wasn't sure why he did that. When we got home and he was making a salad for the two of us, he asked me if he could have an avocado and several of my tomatoes for the salad. The next day, he asked if he could take some apples home. I couldn't believe he did that especially after the fiasco several weeks ago after the power bar incident. It seems as if he's pushing my buttons KNOWING full well I yelled at him last week saying "YOU WERE JUST AT THE GROCERY STORE! WHY DIDN"T YOU GET YOUR STUFF THEN???"" It was an exact replay of that prior posting about the granola bars! Man, I'm heated right now. Good riddance. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 ] Silly boy. I adore you! Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Haven't read the whole thread but quick question....is he low on money by any chance? Not even… Don't get me started. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Oh man, while we are at it, I forgot to tell you guys this story too! Our plans for dinner last week... I was going to make BLTs and he was gong to make a salad. We went to the grocery store, and I saw him put a conventional apple, a conventional tomato and an avocado into his own hand basket. I have my own cart and I go in for the kill and get the netted bag of 25 mandarine oranges, a netted bag of 10 organic apples, and a netted bag of four avocados, and a little paper bag full of organic tomatoes on the vine. (Yes, I really do eat all of that fruit by myself throughout the week). I saw him put his apple and tomato and avocado back on the shelf. At the time, I wasn't sure why he did that. When we got home and he was making a salad for the two of us, he asked me if he could have an avocado and several of my tomatoes for the salad. The next day, he asked if he could take some apples home. I couldn't believe he did that especially after the fiasco several weeks ago after the power bar incident. It seems as if he's pushing my buttons KNOWING full well I yelled at him last week saying "YOU WERE JUST AT THE GROCERY STORE! WHY DIDN"T YOU GET YOUR STUFF THEN???"" It was an exact replay of that prior posting about the granola bars! Man, I'm heated right now. Good riddance. Oh, he** no! That's pretty douche-ee. Some of us were trying to go easy on him, but after that scenario. . Good riddance is right. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Sadly, nose picking is one of my pet peeves so that's why it bugs me so much. He does try to not do it around me when he reads but he slips up. It's just kinda gross, that's all. But I guess my point is, if he were actively ignoring me or doing it on purpose, knowing how much it bugs me, that's inconsiderate. The fruit tale is just...wow. To me, that is not clueless. That is someone who is taking advantage and that's very rude. He saw you get a lot of fruit and thought "wow, no sense in me buying my own stuff when I can just use hers!" UGH. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 He's just cheap. He reminds me of someone I used to date. Every time I was about to go to his home, he'd ring me nd say something like 'oh, I'm out of coffee (or cake or sugar or whatever), can you get some on your way here?'..which I did before I realized that a/he did it every single time, b/he never paid me the money for whatever I had bought and c/the rare times he brought anything when he came to my home, he'd eat or drink it himself! Did we date the same guy? This guy doesn't drink coffee. When we go to cafes to work for change of scenery, he doesn't order coffee. But he'll take a sip of mine every couple of minutes. Yet at my house, he will drink coffee all day long because i have it sitting there in a gigantic french press. Yep. And he will add whipping cream from my fridge and sugar from my baking canister. (I drink mine black.) He adds like 1/4 cup of sugar to his coffee too, you can barely taste any coffee flavor, and I'm constantly replenishing my sugar canister. He's even brought his coffee travel mug to my house, before he leaves for work, fills it with hot coffee, whipping cream and sugar, and then taken it on the road with him. Weird for a guy who proclaims he doesn't drink coffee. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 The excessive sugaring of his coffee makes me think of him as a kid, LOL. That's exactly how a kid would drink coffee. "I like coffee, as long as it has reached its saturation point with sugar. And its topped with whipped cream. And chocolate. And it's not too bitter." I don't know how you held your tongue. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself: "Would you like some coffee with your sugar, sir?" Link to comment
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