Had a blowout with my father.

Last week I was talking to my aunt on the phone, and she was talking about how my mom should have Christmas and who she should invite and who she should stop inviting. She will never host, and it's always on my mom, but my aunt will always chime in on how it should be done. And never TO her, but in a roundabout way through me or my brother. My mom usually invites my cousin, her (now) ex-husband and their 4 year old son. My cousin always makes an excuse to not show, so her ex and the kid always come. Well, my aunt thinks my mom should stop inviting the ex because he's not in the family anymore, and she should start inviting my cousin's new(ish) boyfriend instead. I told my aunt my mom hosts, so she can invite whoever she wishes.

So the other night I was visiting my parents and mentioned the conversation to my mom and she got really upset. Then my dad chimes in and says no way in hell can my cousin bring her boyfriend, because Christmas is for family, not boyfriends and girlfriends. And yes, he's backed that up before - telling me to tell my last girlfriend she wasn't invited for Christmas. That's a whole other story and I'm not getting into it but I did tell him that I have never had a girlfriend whose family didn't invite me for Christmas. He said he doesn't care, that's the way his family did it for the last 60 years. I told him it's 2016 and things change. Again, he said he doesn't care.

So I got into what escalated into a shouting match with him, telling him I may as well accept I'll be single forever - no black girls, no mexican girls, no divorcees, no women with kids, and until we're married they're banned from our family events. There is not a woman alive who would deal with that well. I told him that if I meet a girl I care about and he expects me to tell her she's not invited to Christmas, then I will have my own Christmas or join her family instead. He said "I don't respond well to ultimatums" and I said "I don't care" (he can use that as an excuse, why can't I?) and slammed the door behind me.

My mom sends me an e-mail the next morning saying please forgive dad, he knows he didn't handle it well and I'm supposed to honor my mother and father. I replied apologizing to her for my outburst, but saying not to give me the Catholic guilt over it, and if dad really believed that then he'd realize being Catholic includes goodwill to ALL, not alienating people. She replied by saying "You do what you want. I'm never hosting Christmas again".

So last night dad sends me a long e-mail, taking pot shots at me, saying I was exceptionally rude and I hurt my mother by my outburst, and that she suffers from mental health issues and I didn't make it any better and he expected I would have more empathy for her. Almost like he was throwing blame at me while hiding behind her mental health issues. Then he tells me "If what I said upset you so much, maybe you should go back to your psychologist".

My brother (who hates our dad for similar reasons) told me the only solution is to stop visiting them every week, and that our dad's attitude is why he himself only comes around with his wife a few times a year. I always used to like visiting them and now I've barely slept the last two nights and been sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. My therapist always told me that nobody's feelings my responsibility but my dad throws it in my face like I'm making my mom worse. And I know that if I only come around once a month or whatever, dad will throw it in my face that my mom is upset because I don't come around. But that's my fault, not his attitude. Sometimes I think half the reason she's got mental issues is dealing with him. She just won't stand up to him. I really don't know what to do. I'm terrified that down the line I'm going to meet some amazing woman and she's going to assume I'm like my dad or he's going to make a sexist or racist comment and send her running, or not even speak to her at all like he did with my ex, which was a cause of many of the fights in that relationship. He already pissed my sister-in-law off numerous times. I feel like I'm going to be single the rest of my life.

I think you know what you need to do here. And that is to keep your father at a distance for your own health. You can't change or control someone else. But you do have control over what you allow to happen to yourself in your life.

If being around your father makes you feel awful then don't be around him. Your mother can meet you for lunch somewhere without your father so you can maintain a relationship. And if she won't well that's her choice. Your romantic partner does not have to be chosen based on what you father wants. It should be chosen based on what YOU want. You father can choose to accept that or not - but don't let his choices stop you from finding your own happiness in life.

Merry Christmas to you, eh?

In any conflict, there are three paths you can take: avoidance, aggression and acceptance. Acceptance can very hard to achieve, but it's the only path to peace. In this case, acceptance doesn't mean you agree with your dad -- honestly, who would? It just means you acknowledge that he is who he is. You can't change your family -- who they are or how they behave -- but you can change yourself. If the path you are on is making you miserable, find a better one.

Love your parents, even with their faults. Then give yourself that same gift. It is the season of giving, after all.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's rough having a father who is so difficult to deal with.

You don't have to spend time with your Dad. You don't have to bring someone you are dating around your Dad. If you get serious about someone you can give her the heads up about his gross attitude before she meets him. If you want to see your mom ask her (and only her) out for dinner once a month or have her over and make her dinner. You don't need to spend time with someone who disrespects your choices and guilts you.

I know that is all easier said than done. Keep talking to your therapist. Setting out good boundaries with your parents is something that takes time.

Thanks. That's what my therapist always said - you can't control others, only yourself. I just keep feeling guilty and thinking what if he's gone tomorrow? That's how it'll end between us? My friend tells me that line of thinking goes both ways - what if I'm the one who's gone tomorrow?

My mom won't go anywhere without my dad aside from grocery shopping, basically. All I can do is e-mail or call her.

I don't choose based on what my father wants - if that were the case I'd still be a virgin. He's had problems with every relationship I've had and I maintained them regardless. I worry moreso that the "right one" will choose to not be with someone who's not on good terms with their father, like I'm damaged goods, or that they'll judge me based on his attitude. I can't count how many times my ex fought with me because of the way my dad was, and expected me to somehow fix him. She held it against me.

As for loving them even with their faults - I can't see how that could work when I DO find that special someone without bending over for my father. I'm supposed to show up for Christmas and tell her to not come because it's the season? I don't like fighting with my dad - and I've been trying really hard to patch things up between us this past year. We were finally getting somewhere and then he pulls this again.

Wow, sorry to hear this. It's sad that the holidays are often the times when so much family drama comes out. We all hope for that Currier and Ives Christmas of peace, joy and good will and sadly we often get arguments, resentments and tensions.

Is it possible for you to spend time with your mom without your dad?

Is it possible for you to spend time with your mom without your dad?

Highly unlikely but I can always try. She doesn't like going anywhere without my dad aside from grocery shopping.

Highly unlikely but I can always try. She doesn't like going anywhere without my dad aside from grocery shopping.

Seems like that could be a solution for you not feeling guilty about not seeing her... but not having to deal with your dad, if you can manage it.

Having a rough relationship with one (or both) parents sucks. I feel for ya.

Thanks. That's what my therapist always said - you can't control others, only yourself. I just keep feeling guilty and thinking what if he's gone tomorrow? That's how it'll end between us? My friend tells me that line of thinking goes both ways - what if I'm the one who's gone tomorrow?

 

My mom won't go anywhere without my dad aside from grocery shopping, basically. All I can do is e-mail or call her.

 

I don't choose based on what my father wants - if that were the case I'd still be a virgin. He's had problems with every relationship I've had and I maintained them regardless. I worry moreso that the "right one" will choose to not be with someone who's not on good terms with their father, like I'm damaged goods, or that they'll judge me based on his attitude. I can't count how many times my ex fought with me because of the way my dad was, and expected me to somehow fix him. She held it against me.

 

As for loving them even with their faults - I can't see how that could work when I DO find that special someone without bending over for my father. I'm supposed to show up for Christmas and tell her to not come because it's the season? I don't like fighting with my dad - and I've been trying really hard to patch things up between us this past year. We were finally getting somewhere and then he pulls this again.

Have you told your mom that you would really like one on one time with her? If you told her that she had to choose between seeing you without your father or not seeing you at all?

Your ex was a jerk to hold your fathers actions against you. When you meet someone you want to spend holidays with you can do that just the two of you, or with her family. You are not the only man in the world to have a hard to deal with family. My partner's Dad is an abusive jerk. I don't hold that against him, I feel proud of him for turning into such an awesome human and I feel a lot of sympathy for all the garbage he went through in his childhood.

YOU get to choose what your romantic relationships look like. Honestly? It sounds like you are still screwed up in your thinking because of your ex. You don't have to have your parents involved in your romantic life at all. You can meet and love and marry someone without your parents approval. You can find your life mate and she could never meet them. But chances are if you find someone you really want to be with she will understand and the two of you can make choices together about how much you want to deal with them. Much like your brother and his wife.

if you find someone you really want to be with she will understand and the two of you can make choices together about how much you want to deal with them. Much like your brother and his wife.

Thank you so much for this, in particular. My brother tells me that too and I need to start thinking that as well. I'm sure I can work something out with my mom too. I'll think of something there.

Again, though - the desire for my parents' approval thing comes more from the other end - for some reason they seem to be obsessed with what my parents think of them. I'm not concerned and dated them despite that. But then they start thinking I'm going to leave them because my folks don't like them. That's never the case. Then again, girls who would think that way or hold such things against me are not the right ones for me

H When you meet someone you want to spend holidays with you can do that just the two of you, or with her family.

Question about that, though. So I end up not being with my own family on Christmas, then. Isn't that kinda nasty? Punishing the rest of my family by not being there because I'm at odds with my dad? I mean it'd be nasty to tell my SO "you can't come" either but it's like a catch 22. And I can hear it now - my dad doing the guilt trip thing saying I'm choosing her over my own family, she's poisoned my mind etc...

Question about that, though. So I end up not being with my own family on Christmas, then. Isn't that kinda nasty? Punishing the rest of my family by not being there because I'm at odds with my dad? I mean it'd be nasty to tell my SO "you can't come" either but it's like a catch 22. And I can hear it now - my dad doing the guilt trip thing saying I'm choosing her over my own family, she's poisoned my mind etc...

Yes it is kinda nasty that your father has created such an unpleasant atmosphere. You aren't punishing them, you are taking care of yourself.

You don't have to listen to what your Dad has to say about your partner. You can walk away when he starts guilting you, you can hang up the phone. You can make it clear to him that HE is the reason you won't be around. And don't bring future partners around them. At all. It seems like you are attached to the idea of a big family unit. Unfortunately your farther makes that impossible by being awful to you and your brother and his wife and any future partner of yours.

You don't have to take responsibility for your father. Take responsibility for yourself. HE is making you feel sick with guilt. He is choosing to be hostile. Set up boundaries for yourself. And if any of your family asks why you aren't around then tell them. Make time to see your family away from your Dad.

It seems like you are attached to the idea of a big family unit.

This is true and I have to let go of that. That's another thing my brother told me when I spoke with him last night. He told me something along the lines of "You have to let go of the idea that you will ever get along with dad, because since he will never change his attitude, you'll never get along."

Thanks Rose. Thanks everyone. I feel a little better now.

This is true and I have to let go of that. That's another thing my brother told me when I spoke with him last night. He told me something along the lines of "You have to let go of the idea that you will ever get along with dad, because since he will never change his attitude, you'll never get along."

 

Thanks Rose. Thanks everyone. I feel a little better now.

I too have a control issue and want everyone to be nicey nicey big family unit at Christmas. Anything less throws me into insanity almost. We just have to have no expectations . Know what I mean? However , I would not scream at your dad in his own house. If my son did that I would toss his ass out. I will be respected in my house.

Pick your mom up for lunch.

Also try to not hang with your folks all the time. Time to develop YOURSELF. You are codependent on them too.

I gotta go against the grain a bit here.

Bear in mind I come from an absolutely giant family, (originally) 13 aunts and uncles, most of whom have 3 or 4 children, so it's not as though an extra boyfriend or girlfriend being thrown in the mix makes any kind of real dent, and my family is extremely welcoming an inclusive anyhow, so my sympathy lies much more with your opinion than your father's.

That said, "this is has it's been for 60 years" about summed it up, and that was the end of it. It'd be another matter if he'd been singling people out, but you admit he's been pretty consistent about the policy. You don't have to like it. You don't even have to go. But escalating it into a shouting match in your father's own home, in my mind, was uncalled for. Not to mention no mother wants to witness two of the most important men in her life having a row. I think it was disrespectful on a couple different levels.

As others have stated, distancing yourself seems to be the best and immediate solution.

I did e-mail my mom apologizing to both of them for the way I handled it, but not for disagreeing. I would have e-mailed my father but when he sent me that email last night he told me not to even bother replying.

If your dad keeps justifying his behavior by pointing to his Catholicism, why don't you ask his own actual parish priest his thoughts on it?

And invite him to a family get together for a "come to Jesus" moment about it?

Just a thought.

Highly unlikely but I can always try. She doesn't like going anywhere without my dad aside from grocery shopping.

Sorry to hear all of this. Maybe you can take your mom grocery shopping.

I would say your next gf should be a black divorcee with three kids, but I know he'd be rough on you.

If your dad keeps justifying his behavior by pointing to his Catholicism, why don't you ask his own actual parish priest his thoughts on it?

 

And invite him to a family get together for a "come to Jesus" moment about it?

 

Just a thought.

Absolutely. As a Catholic I find it distasteful he uses Catholicism as an excuse for racism.

Sorry to hear all of this. Maybe you can take your mom grocery shopping.

 

I would say your next gf should be a black divorcee with three kids, but I know he'd be rough on you.

I wouldn't even care if he was rough on me. He'd be rough on her, is what would bother me.

But I get what you're saying.

The only chance you have at getting your dad to pull his head from his a** is no contact.

You are blessed with an enmeshed family dynamic. I have something similar. My mother is a low-grade narcissist who is also severely traumatised and hyperactive, attention deficit in her old age. Of course, this is my disordered opinion of her, she is a strong woman with no problems in life at all and her only fault is being too good to people. I went NC with her before but as an only child and with my father dead, I am not planning to do this in her old age. I also fully understand people who don't even go to parents' funerals. Mine is not so severe, and I think the detachment perspective I learnt in Al-Anon helps me to deal with it in a much more empowered way so I don't get pulled in anymore. And I allow myself some slips from time to time, bound to happen. The rest of her family (all women) is worse than her. Even faker, selfish people who believe the world revolves around them. No need for any private clash, just a basic understanding of ethics can send anyone to an anger fit around them. Whenever I have had long-term interaction with them, I found myself in a self-destructive pattern of acting out, like throwing myself into an abusive relationship, sabotaging myself or something (we have some bad history going back to my childhood). I cut contact with all of them even after I felt I was skilled enough to move myself out of this dynamic. I don't want them. Simply disgusted at a general human level, sorry. Will not even be an audience anymore. My life got better.

From this experience, I can tell that perhaps you too have developed survival skills trying to control others while taking so much responsibility and also not taking enough responsibility of yourself. I can suggest these:

Stop worrying about your parent with mental problems. Your parents are in their own dynamic and that won't change. Probably, they are both controlling each other. If you think one of them is vulnerable, work on your limits as to when and where you will interfere. With my parent, I know I will be there for her if she needs care but cannot have full responsibility. She will have a carer but I will make sure that she is treated with dignity - especially if her cognitive stuff gets worse. Other than that, our interaction is and will be limited to superficial, activity based stuff. No discussion of serious stuff with her. No discussion of values, this and that. It is insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I will not be insane because she is. Mundane is the key word. Even when she is being wonderful, open, with insight. Mundane is the way to go.

Get yourself out of all messenger roles. Kindly remind your aunt that you will be more comfortable if she communicates directly with your parents. Everyone back to their boundaries.

Force field activation. I like sci-fi and visualize a force field around myself when I interact with my mother. Everything she throws at me bounces back. This makes us more equal as narcissists are made of teflon as you know.

I used to have a lot of second-hand shame around my mother. She can be totaly weird and fake and other people notice this. She has no awareness of this. But I am. So I used to take emotional responsibility of this and got embarrassed instead of her. Not anymore. I have developed a thick skin and learnt to watch with a blank face, sometimes smiling stupidly Interestingly, she is a wonderful person to my boyfriends. Always knows her limits, socializes always nicely and within very proper limits, I cannot believe that. (Am grateful that she can do this at least).

With my boyfriends, they know about my mother. The people I allow in my life are the ones who can empathize and respect my boundaries and not give me the cliché crap like "You should do blah blah, this is your parent blah blah." That triggers me if done after my genuine disclosure and request.

I can tell you that if you voice your needs healthily to your partner, act as an indivudated person not allowing your parents to meddle with your affairs, and if you choose the right people for yourself, a crazy parent will never be a problem. People who value your family structure more than you as an individual may be the wrong for you. Yes, everyone wants to be "loved" by BF/GF's parents, in-laws etc but that's not a super deep love. Some civility is necessary. But if you support partner enough that they don't feel threatened by your crazy family - this takes time and action but can happen rather quickly- it will not be an issue and can even strengthen the bond between you two. If they still wish for something else, let them go. They can work on being loved by your parents if they like, you need someone who wants to work on loving you and being loved by you.

Ironically, I have this problem now with my boyfriend. His mother lives in my country but both of his parents are mildly but very noticeably racist against my nation (and constantly mention their stereotypes to me, cheers!) and judgmental against the religion surrounding me while at the same time lecturing me how they are not Islamophobic. I was raised an atheist and feel stuffed really. I was my person before meeting them and now I am defined by so many things that I politically oppose, don't feel that represent me etc. On top of it, I am "honored" with the usual compliment. "YOu are not like them." This is reverse racism to me. I see no connection between myself and any nation, prefer a class-filter in my understanding but choose to defend any nation judged this way, so I don't take this "compliment." It is also super funny because one part of my origins includes another religion, Judaism and it is a taboo in their culture to comment against Jews. So if I say this, all this will stop and they will be super embarrassed. But I will not. I don't need the immunity or the privilege of anything I have not chosen. If they want to target me, they can. ı'm not different from anyone else. Who cares.

But they are my BF's parents. We agree 100% in politics, values etc. This is what matters. Actually, I respect and love him even more because he ended up as the person he is despite contrary influence. That takes courage. Honestly, I was very irritated with his parents when I perceived them as a threat because of his super-controlling mother's communication with me and him. And I attacked him unfairly once, hitting under the belt. Deep down, I thought he was a mommy's boy and she would control us and that's something I really don't want in my life. I can drop the biggest infatuation there and then, I'm dead serious about this. After a talk where he assured me, I feel like I can be more tolerant toward his parents within limits of civility. I have told him that with parents, it is more important to me that he is in peace than who is right or wrong. I know I am right And their racism won't change. I don't appease it but no need to cut communication. When I'm sure of my boyfriend's support, I feel willing to cooperate and don't even need that he fights for me. We can make fun of things together. If I reciprocate with similar stereotypes jokingly, they keep silent for a bit.

This is so funny because I'm an anti-racism campaigner and they know it I have decided that I will not betray my cause but will state my opinions jokingly, softly, without getting involved in arguments. To compensate for my betrayal, I write articles about interracial interraction trying to transform my experience into a useful thing.

So I think you don't need to catashtrophize what happens interracially or in interfaith things. With the right focus on your relationship, proper boundaries and also proper expectations from your partner to support you, all can be fine.

My next project is this. If anyone mentions "garlic" to me once more, I will take a bunch from my bag and say "Garlic i here. Where are the vampires. My nation is very scared of them."

I am allowed to family events, their stuff is more covert but if I am not one day, I guess Genesis 2:24 will have to be the key: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Now, they cannot oppose this

All the best to you in everything.

You are blessed with an enmeshed family dynamic. I have something similar. My mother is a low-grade narcissist who is also severely traumatised and hyperactive, attention deficit in her old age. Of course, this is my disordered opinion of her, she is a strong woman with no problems in life at all and her only fault is being too good to people. I went NC with her before but as an only child and with my father dead, I am not planning to do this in her old age. I also fully understand people who don't even go to parents' funerals. Mine is not so severe, and I think the detachment perspective I learnt in Al-Anon helps me to deal with it in a much more empowered way so I don't get pulled in anymore. And I allow myself some slips from time to time, bound to happen. The rest of her family (all women) is worse than her. Even faker, selfish people who believe the world revolves around them. No need for any private clash, just a basic understanding of ethics can send anyone to an anger fit around them. Whenever I have had long-term interaction with them, I found myself in a self-destructive pattern of acting out, like throwing myself into an abusive relationship, sabotaging myself or something (we have some bad history going back to my childhood). I cut contact with all of them even after I felt I was skilled enough to move myself out of this dynamic. I don't want them. Simply disgusted at a general human level, sorry. Will not even be an audience anymore. My life got better.

 

From this experience, I can tell that perhaps you too have developed survival skills trying to control others while taking so much responsibility and also not taking enough responsibility of yourself. I can suggest these:

 

Stop worrying about your parent with mental problems. Your parents are in their own dynamic and that won't change. Probably, they are both controlling each other. If you think one of them is vulnerable, work on your limits as to when and where you will interfere. With my parent, I know I will be there for her if she needs care but cannot have full responsibility. She will have a carer but I will make sure that she is treated with dignity - especially if her cognitive stuff gets worse. Other than that, our interaction is and will be limited to superficial, activity based stuff. No discussion of serious stuff with her. No discussion of values, this and that. It is insanity to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I will not be insane because she is. Mundane is the key word. Even when she is being wonderful, open, with insight. Mundane is the way to go.

 

Get yourself out of all messenger roles. Kindly remind your aunt that you will be more comfortable if she communicates directly with your parents. Everyone back to their boundaries.

 

Force field activation. I like sci-fi and visualize a force field around myself when I interact with my mother. Everything she throws at me bounces back. This makes us more equal as narcissists are made of teflon as you know.

 

I used to have a lot of second-hand shame around my mother. She can be totaly weird and fake and other people notice this. She has no awareness of this. But I am. So I used to take emotional responsibility of this and got embarrassed instead of her. Not anymore. I have developed a thick skin and learnt to watch with a blank face, sometimes smiling stupidly Interestingly, she is a wonderful person to my boyfriends. Always knows her limits, socializes always nicely and within very proper limits, I cannot believe that. (Am grateful that she can do this at least).

 

With my boyfriends, they know about my mother. The people I allow in my life are the ones who can empathize and respect my boundaries and not give me the cliché crap like "You should do blah blah, this is your parent blah blah." That triggers me if done after my genuine disclosure and request.

 

I can tell you that if you voice your needs healthily to your partner, act as an indivudated person not allowing your parents to meddle with your affairs, and if you choose the right people for yourself, a crazy parent will never be a problem. People who value your family structure more than you as an individual may be the wrong for you. Yes, everyone wants to be "loved" by BF/GF's parents, in-laws etc but that's not a super deep love. Some civility is necessary. But if you support partner enough that they don't feel threatened by your crazy family - this takes time and action but can happen rather quickly- it will not be an issue and can even strengthen the bond between you two. If they still wish for something else, let them go. They can work on being loved by your parents if they like, you need someone who wants to work on loving you and being loved by you.

 

Ironically, I have this problem now with my boyfriend. His mother lives in my country but both of his parents are mildly but very noticeably racist against my nation (and constantly mention their stereotypes to me, cheers!) and judgmental against the religion surrounding me while at the same time lecturing me how they are not Islamophobic. I was raised an atheist and feel stuffed really. I was my person before meeting them and now I am defined by so many things that I politically oppose, don't feel that represent me etc. On top of it, I am "honored" with the usual compliment. "YOu are not like them." This is reverse racism to me. I see no connection between myself and any nation, prefer a class-filter in my understanding but choose to defend any nation judged this way, so I don't take this "compliment." It is also super funny because one part of my origins includes another religion, Judaism and it is a taboo in their culture to comment against Jews. So if I say this, all this will stop and they will be super embarrassed. But I will not. I don't need the immunity or the privilege of anything I have not chosen. If they want to target me, they can. ı'm not different from anyone else. Who cares.

 

But they are my BF's parents. We agree 100% in politics, values etc. This is what matters. Actually, I respect and love him even more because he ended up as the person he is despite contrary influence. That takes courage. Honestly, I was very irritated with his parents when I perceived them as a threat because of his super-controlling mother's communication with me and him. And I attacked him unfairly once, hitting under the belt. Deep down, I thought he was a mommy's boy and she would control us and that's something I really don't want in my life. I can drop the biggest infatuation there and then, I'm dead serious about this. After a talk where he assured me, I feel like I can be more tolerant toward his parents within limits of civility. I have told him that with parents, it is more important to me that he is in peace than who is right or wrong. I know I am right And their racism won't change. I don't appease it but no need to cut communication. When I'm sure of my boyfriend's support, I feel willing to cooperate and don't even need that he fights for me. We can make fun of things together. If I reciprocate with similar stereotypes jokingly, they keep silent for a bit.

 

This is so funny because I'm an anti-racism campaigner and they know it I have decided that I will not betray my cause but will state my opinions jokingly, softly, without getting involved in arguments. To compensate for my betrayal, I write articles about interracial interraction trying to transform my experience into a useful thing.

 

So I think you don't need to catashtrophize what happens interracially or in interfaith things. With the right focus on your relationship, proper boundaries and also proper expectations from your partner to support you, all can be fine.

 

My next project is this. If anyone mentions "garlic" to me once more, I will take a bunch from my bag and say "Garlic i here. Where are the vampires. My nation is very scared of them."

 

 

I am allowed to family events, their stuff is more covert but if I am not one day, I guess Genesis 2:24 will have to be the key: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Now, they cannot oppose this

 

All the best to you in everything.

I'm coming to you with all my family problems.

If your dad keeps justifying his behavior by pointing to his Catholicism, why don't you ask his own actual parish priest his thoughts on it?

 

And invite him to a family get together for a "come to Jesus" moment about it?

 

Just a thought.

Absolutely. As a Catholic I find it distasteful he uses Catholicism as an excuse for racism.

It's always nice to call out someone's crappy behavior with the authority they use--and have that authority tell them that they are being evil.

It doesn't ever change their behavior, but it's nice to hold their feet to the fire for doing so.