Anyone ever been put in the "Sould I tell about this affair?" situation?

So, our judo instructor is also a Christian pastor. He has an assistant in her 20s, and she is very sweet. I have known his wife for many years, and have had their children over to play with my kids. I have come to realize that every where our judo instructor goes, his twentysomething assistant goes with him. My husband and I have seen them together at many many places and it has been extremely frequent. We have seen them going to a movie, eating out together, going to CrossFit together, seeing them drive away together from Starbucks many times, going to the grocery store together, and various other errands. He has older daughters as well whom he does not take with him on these errands with this young woman, although they are also in his judo class and are homeschooled. I have known this man's wife for many years, and I really feel for her because I do believe that her husband is having an affair with his assistant. I am sickened that this pastor who tends to preach Fidelity is making such a horrible mistake and being such a horrible example for the many children in his judo class. I don't know if I should say something to his wife, or just let things proceed naturally. I also don't know if I should say something to him, since I've known him for so many years and I am extremely disappointed in everything that I am witnessing. I don't think he's a bad person, but I think he's making some very horrible decisions in this case. (Just for the record, I have also seen her massaging his neck and shoulders and a very inappropriate way, and they have a couples-type quarrels such as where she put his pants, or when they were going to plan the next event with his wife totally left out of all of it),

I'm not really surprised that a preacher goes against his teachings... Cause yeah... That's fairly common-place... Seriously, look into it... There's even a get-rich-quick scheme that grew from it...

Honestly? I'm not religious so I can't give you advice catered to your religion, but I can give you basic advice on dealing with people...

Just be straight up... Somewhere inside you know that no matter what they tell you, you know something isn't kosher... And still, that's really none of your business... Cause people and privacy...

So whatever... If it bothers you, maybe talk to one of them straight up... If that doesn't resolve it, just leave it and pursue faith without their guidance if you feel uneasy with them...

Or, you could always play the community card... I wouldn't expect to make friends doing this, but sure, you could roast'em at the stake if you felt it necessary and air their laundry for everyone to witness... Personally I'd lose respect for you, but that's just me.

I'm not part of his congregation, but know many who are.

I do feel like I want to talk to him about it. If so, id honesty be worried about his reaction.

And yes, preachers are notorious!!!

I'm not part of his congregation, but know many who are.

 

I do feel like I want to talk to him about it. If so, id honesty be worried about his reaction.

Then speak to him... He can't hurt you, and you have every right to confront him directly instead of going behind his back... Who knows, maybe he'll even respect you for it... Just don't hang it over him or anything...

He can react however he wants to react. You know you're doing the right thing, and it's clear you wouldn't feel morally complete if you just left the issue silent... I think the most respectable and discrete thing you could do is addressing him personally, without any threats or anger, and if he can't handle that, then his wife is probably already aware she's married to a man-child.

I think you should mind your business. Also, what if you are wrong? You have to admit it's a possibility, even if it's a small one. Or, if they are having an affair and they are being so obvious about it, others will notice as well as his wife or kids. You dont want to get blamed for sticking your nose into their business.

The messenger is usually shot.

Should you tell the wife about the affair? Well, first you don't actually know if there is an affair. Things do appear odd, it could be an emotionally affair that has yet to get physical or it could be a full on sexy-time-all-over the-place affair. You just don't know, so I would not say anything for now.

Infidelity is rampant these days. For every affair you see evidence of, there's probably 10 more going on nearby that are better concealed. Personally, I would only involve myself if I considered one of the parties an actual friend. But an instructor, pastor, acquaintance etc, even one you've known for years, no. I would stay out of it.

Infidelity is rampant these days. For every affair you see evidence of, there's probably 10 more going on nearby that are better concealed. Personally, I would only involve myself if I considered one of the parties an actual friend. But an instructor, pastor, acquaintance etc, even one you've known for years, no. I would stay out of it.

Infidelity has always been rampant... It's not a new trend, we just hear about it more...

I was thinking about going incognito and sending a letter or message. I am friends with his wife (have grown a bit distant, but nonetheless...)

I'd keep quiet. If the wife ever asked me , if be honest and try to be factual about what I've seen.

That they are being so obvious, she probably already knows.

If it were a good friend, either he or the wife, I might speak up sooner. That would be about the friendship. Yes, people often shoot the messenger. But if it was a dear friend and something wildly inappropriate happened in front of me or to me, I'd speak up. I have before and I would do it again.

This doesn't sound like a close friend though, but a long time acquaintance/neighbour. Unless someone asked, I would stay out of it. And if asked, id be careful to only give information I've seen myself and to not elaborate with my opinion.

I'll stay quiet then. I'm frustrated because my kids took his judo class and loved it. I am not sure if it's a good idea to let them go, or not. At this point I'd say no...and let them sort out their lives how they see fit.

I was thinking about going incognito and sending a letter or message. I am friends with his wife (have grown a bit distant, but nonetheless...)

Do what helps you sleep and maintain moral conscience. That's all you can do... Just don't make a drama-stink or give people reason to turn against eachother unless you're ready to burn bridges or just don't give a sh*t anymore.

Otherwise, his personal life has nothing to do with your family... If your kids want to take his Judo class, and he isn't trying to date them, then whatever... Just let the kids have fun...

I was thinking about going incognito and sending a letter or message. I am friends with his wife (have grown a bit distant, but nonetheless...)

If you go this route you have to be very, very, very careful. Remember, you don't actually know there is an affair so all you can say "Your husband has been spending a lot of time with (name)."

You also have to think very carefully about WHY you want to tell. For me, if I was being cheated on I would want to know so if I ever found out about an affair I would tell the other person. But not every is like that, some people prefer to just not know. So think long and hard about WHY you want to tell her. And if you do decide to send a letter/email/whatever word it VERY carefully and do not add anything you do not know for sure, that you haven't seen with your own eyes.

Have you seen him and the assistant being inappropriate around the kids?

I understand your discomfort of having him be in a position of influence on your kids now. You've lost trust and respect for him based on the behaviour you have seen.

Have you seen him and the assistant being inappropriate around the kids?

 

I understand your discomfort of having him be in a position of influence on your kids now. You've lost trust and respect for him based on the behaviour you have seen.

Well I wanted to love my partner faithfully, but I keep remembering that Judo instructor....

Well I wanted to love my partner faithfully, but I keep remembering that Judo instructor....

Lol not quite. But I understand not wanting kids around people a parent doesn't feel represents their values. Especially hypocritical ones. It's just her parental protective instincts kicking in. She doesn't want any of this to overflow to her kids. It's understandable. Whether she keeps the kids in his class or not is really a judgement call.

I remember going to a youth group a few times as a kid, and the activities were fun. But I came home telling my folks how I didn't like the pastor because he seemed to say one thing and do another. They left it up to me if I wanted to go . the pastor was our neighbour right beside us and I grew up with his daughter. It's possible the kids will pick up on it if things are askew. That could just mean a conversation with the kids if they are old enough.

Stay out of someone else's marriage problems. It will always backfire on you for getting involved.

If it was me and say I knew a guy who was being cheated on by his woman, the only time I'd interfere would be if it was one of my handful of close friends, or a family member. Other than that, I wouldn't do anything. If it was the local preacher, for example, I'd assume everyone knew about it already. If you've noticed it, so has everyone else, chances are.

You have to make your own place where you draw the line as to when you would get involved, but if you're wrong you could make yourself look a bit silly, which might be pretty rough for you.

How close do you feel to his wife, I guess is your determining factor.

I am friends with his wife (have grown a bit distant, but nonetheless...)

Hmmm.. not close enough perhaps, no?

That's pretty disturbing to say the least. Can you go above his head to whoever is running the church? Even an anonymous letter stating dates and times he's been seen with the 20-something assistant when it was inappropriate.

And frankly, if you and your husband have seen them out and about why not just go up to them, say hi, say something casually about the wife like, "Oh, tell Mara I said hello and your lovely children too," and look rather pointedly at the assistant. Not saying you be mean, but sometimes a simple, "Yeah, we see you and we're thinking about your family even if you aren't," might stop something if they haven't cheated yet but are toying with the idea.

Up to you, but if it was me considering it's a service I'm getting from the church, and I'd take someone posing as a leader who espouses one set of values, while not upholding those or holding himself to a different standard, in a very dim view. And I'd turn his butt in, although not to his wife.

I would not go to the wife, I'd go above his head and tell whoever is above him that something very wrong is going on and it's making the church look very bad and people are talking. They may not care, but mention there's a scandal that could damage their church and yeah I'd hope they'd have the decency to remove the guy.

I don't let my banker steal from me, I don't let my car mechanic damage my car, why on earth would I let my religious leaders or anyone working in my church not uphold the tenants of my religion?

Lol not quite. But I understand not wanting kids around people a parent doesn't feel represents their values. Especially hypocritical ones. It's just her parental protective instincts kicking in. She doesn't want any of this to overflow to her kids. It's understandable. Whether she keeps the kids in his class or not is really a judgement call.

 

I remember going to a youth group a few times as a kid, and the activities were fun. But I came home telling my folks how I didn't like the pastor because he seemed to say one thing and do another. They left it up to me if I wanted to go . the pastor was our neighbour right beside us and I grew up with his daughter. It's possible the kids will pick up on it if things are askew. That could just mean a conversation with the kids if they are old enough.

Yeah... Sounds like your parents were pretty sensible... But otherwise, if you're worried that your kids will reject your values by mere exposure to an adult with conflicting opinions, I think you could be doing a better job of raising your kids and setting an example, because the reality of life is most adults your kids will be exposed to will have different values than you, and isolating them in a community-bubble probably isn't much better for them...

So basically yeah... Just let the kids do their Judo stuff... It's exercise, it's fun, and there's far worse stuff they could be involved with... At some point you're going to have to trust them to have their own moral compass... If one guy with a sketchy marriage undermines your entire parental influence, I dunno... That doesn't sound like the pastor's fault...

If I knew for sure he was cheating then I would let the wife know somehow. I would also let the elders know.

Injustice ignored is injustice approved of...

Lost

Injustice ignored is injustice approved of...

You realize this is a false dichotomy, right?

no. I do not want my boys around a cheating POS to tell the truth. I don't want to put them in any situation where they are subjected to learning to hurt others or be a liar.

I know that's quite harmful to children. If he would do that, what else would he do? In the name of keeping a congregation in the dark about reality rather than admitting he isn't happy with his family and lead a bunch of people who look up to him into thinking its okay to cheat on your wife? (Or at the very least- practice Very poor judgement and put himself in the position to cheat).

Naw, I have had enough of that stuff, thank you. No thanks