boyfriend's cyber cheating, should I forgive him or not?

Hi all, I am hoping to get some advice here because I am really confused now. Sorry this is a bit long, but please allow me to tell a bit of the background.

My boyfriend and I have went out for a couple of years. for the first 3 years we were in 2-different countries, very closed by though. We usually met once a month with one visiting another in turns. I have met his parents, relatives and friends. But as I don't speak their language, I don't hang out with them often (my BF speaks perfect English so we don't have any communication problems).

I try to make this in timeline so its clearer:

April- August2014: I successfully applied a university student position in his country. It is something I always wanted to do, so I didn't move to his country JUST because of him, but of course he is still one of the main reason I chose this country. By August last year, he came to me to help on packing and one evening, I was playing a game on his phone and accidentally found an app shows that he had been flirting with a girl behind my back (let's call her girlA ). Under my pressure he confessed that they have been flirting for about 2 months -- which means it was in June -- after we have decided to take a step forward in our relationship with me moving to his country!! As everything was packed, shipped and I have quit my job and so on, even I was really upset I decided to give him a second chance with him promised never do this again, he deleted the app. in front of me.

Oct 2014: However, 2 months after I moved to his country, I found an email from that app -- he was trying to retrieve the account. I asked him why, he claim he was ''just'' trying to say goodbye to her and let her know he can't talk to her again because he wants to make up with his girlfriend. He broke my heart again with this -- I don't know if that's true of what he said and even if it is, why does he care about her so much that has to say goodbye? with knowing it will hurt me if I found out?? Again, he apologized and made promises etc, I forgave him again...

Oct- March2015 ish: few times I found that he was playing online game with some girls but there is no strong evidence that there is something going on between them, just like they are game- partners with a little bit of flirt etc. He deny there is anything in between them and I warmed him, and requested him not to play with them anymore.

April-June 2015, our relationship had gone kinda bad. He can't achieve the promises he made (on other stuff) and I then got mad at him and thus had a bad temper etc. In June he asked for a break up. I didn't want to as I think there is still space to improve our relationship, at the end, he agreed to try again too. We had 'breaking up' moments before too, mostly from me.

June- July 2015 after June, we had some good and some bad times together. In the end of July2015, I found an screen shot picture on his phone that he accidentally took, shows that he had the chatting app. installed again. I asked him, he said he was just curious about if girlA has been texting him all this year, he just curious, didn't want to continue talking to her at all.... I was really angry and asked for a broke up. He didn't agree. I forgave him again later and I requested him to tell me ANY OTHER GIRLS that he flirted with but I don't know about, he insist there is no more!

(end of) August2015: he again wanted a break up as we keep fighting, I agreed on it but later before we split we realized we might still have feelings for each other, at least a tiny bit, so we decided to try again. After this make-up, I have decided to really try to forget every bad things he has done in the past, and really really work on this relationship. I believe he had the same kind of thoughts too. We then had a great week which we miss each other everyday and talk to each other over text/phone everyday before the weekend, and then we had a lovely Friday and Saturday. At that point, we actually thought we can make this work as everybody take a little step backward, things seems to be much simpler and easier for each other. But then... Saturday night, I found something on his computer that shows there is a girl-B that he had been flirting with in the past 6months. It started from Feb2015 and they play an online game together and talk/chat on skype. They started to flirt and having sexual teasing talks from May until end of July -ish. He claims that she had once sent him a picture of her ass (with underwear on) and once sent him a singing-record but that's it, he never had webcam with her. From what he told me, the sexual chats they had are always implying things, such as she has been killed in the game, he would say ''you suck!'' then she will say ''Yes I do and then I swallow'', or she said ''I have been banged by a monster and nearly dead'' then he would say ''would you prefer to be banged by someone else '' then she will say ''yes it would be fine if it's you'' etc... and she knows about me.

I really don't know if I can let it go this time. My guts tells me NO. But every time I made up my mind to break up on this, all the happy times comes back to my mind -- we really had a good time together when we not fighting, it felt we are so meant for each other at those moments. But when I decided to let it go, then all their conversation keep coming back to! I can't stop imaging his face and enjoy-ness when chat to her sexually, concerning about her when she whine about stuff in her life...

He is now begging for a last chance. He said he talked to her because we didn't get alone well during that period and he just wanted some responsible-less flirting. He had never been turned on by her, and he never thought about meeting her in real life or even have any further action than just flirting online with text. He said he had already stopped talking to her in beginning of August and told her he wants to make things work with me. He said he really found back the love to me in the past weeks and really don't want to give up on us, he promises will never ever do this again and in the future, if we have problems in between us, he will solve it out or broke up with me rather than turn his attention to a cyber girl.

But I don't know what to do, I really don't. This time it's over the line. In the past, at least as far as I knew, he was just flirting with girls without any implication or obvious sexual chats. I guess that's why I had been giving him ''last chances'' again and again. But this time... it's more than just that. And I can't even find out if they did saw each other on webcam or not as he deleted all the chats before I found out. But all these ended in beginning of August, before I and him made a big promise to each other and ourselves to really work hard on this relation, before the following week of happiness we had...One one hand he had hurt me so much, so many times, but on the other hand, he has brought so much happiness in the past few years and we are so meant for each other in so many ways. Can someone please give me some advice, if I can trust him this very last time?

Stop this madness!

This guy is showing you who he is and you need to pay attention to his history and his actions. There's your answer.

His words mean nothing.

If he cared about you and the relationship he would have stopped this long ago. . but yet he continues and risks losing you over and over again.

I think you would be better to just let him go and find a guy that doesn't have an addiction to gaming and flirting with female gamers as well as strangers online. If you were to marry this man, it would just get worse as his need to be excited by random women increased as the honeymoon period with you wore thin.

You've given him far too many chances as it is.

It's time to say Osta la vista baby to this one! Trust me I've been there in that crappy relationship, gone back a million times, forgiven a million times. Because for some reason we hold on to the hope that there is a good person deep down, or that he will change. He won't. Not ever. Dont waste anymore of your years on him. He will continue to beg and plead for you to come back. He will try to contact you after you break it off. Make it final this time. Stay strong, block him in any aspect otherwise you will be leaving the door open to continue to abuse you. And he will. He's emotionally abusing you. He will never be the person you want him to be or view him as from the good times. He is manipulative, and will find any way to string you along whenever he needs an ego boost to feed his own insecurities. Which is exactly the same thing he is doing to these other girls. I know its brutal, but don't think he somehow most love you more or value you more because he keeps making empty promises to get rid of these other girls. He doesn't. I bet he tells them the same thing. He's a liar. End it. You are so much better than him, and YOU WILL find someone worthy of you.

I know you are right...

But this time he sound real sorry and sound really made up his mind to stop doing these, and he actually stopped it a month ago, before we were at the point (in end of august) that promised ourselves to really made this work and seems did. should I really just walk away...?

Sorry I know I sound finding excuses to forgive him and I guess 55% of my heart IS trying so, but also an as high as 45% of my heart can't get through what happened and that's why I am shaking around on decision.

His promises are worthless, as he has proven about 6x.

Of course, you still have feelings for him. You have been with him for quite some time. But, some things have to be done. Even if it is going to be difficult or hurt for some time afterward. And this sounds to me to be one of those instances.

Not only have you both expressed the desire to end the relationship in the past (which would indicate to me that neither of you are 100% sure if you want to be in the relationship anymore), but he has continuously shown signs that he is not very happy in the relationship since he first sent a flirtatious message to another woman. He was caught and promised to never do it again, but he got caught trying to "just say goodbye" or trying to see if she texted him "out of curiosity". This all points to him missing her or preferring to have conversations, flirtatious ones at that, with a woman other than you. That also points towards the fact that he is unhappy with the relationship.

So, all in all, it sounds like neither of you are content and you can't trust him. What type of relationship could you possibly have if you can't trust him? It sounds to me like one or the other starts feeling guilty or scared when you want to break up... But that is normal. Humans are naturally afraid of change and breaking up with someone you have been with for years is a big change. But you have to change in order to evolve... And your relationship isn't evolving... It's going around in a circle that isn't healthy for either of you. My advice is... Take it on the chin and end it. It will suck for awhile, but... Time heals.

ETA: I just your reply after posting this and wanted to add one more thing.... The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. All signs point to him doing this again. And if this is something you can't live with, you aren't going to be able to be happy with him. And you shouldn't have to work so hard to retain the relationship or settle for what he is giving you if it isn't enough. You are wasting your time and it isn't fair to you.

Thank you so much for your advice. I cried while reading the last bit of your reply -- yes, I had been working too hard to retain this relationship, in regarding of everything in it, and I really shouldn't have to.

Thanks again.

Thank you so much for your advice. I cried while reading the last bit of your reply -- yes, I had been working too hard to retain this relationship, in regarding of everything in it, and I really shouldn't have to.

 

Thanks again.

You're welcome. In all honesty, you seem to be putting a lot more into the relationship than he is. Is that fair to you? Especially when he is the one who has made past transgressions against you. How is it your responsibility to make things right? You have to think of yourself, too, think of what is best for YOU. A relationship shouldn't be full of fighting or of trying to scramble to think of ways to force it to work. A relationship with someone you are meant to be with should have it's own flow. Not saying that people in great relationships don't fight, a fight here in there is necessary, even. But, when there are constant fights over emotional cheating (and that's what I would call what he is doing), threats from both people to end the relationship, a constant tension... Well... That's not a healthy relationship. Your man should make you happy and give you a sense of security, not all of this anxiety and fear. You just have to be strong and know when enough has been enough.

I feel like it's never a good sign when you can put together a comprehensive timeline of instances your boyfriend emotionally cheated on you.

He sounds like a real loser.

Why keep holding on to this??

There is no trust.... walk away.

Some people actually have an addiction to this sort of thing, weather he wants to admit it or not. If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't (apparently) then he may have a problem.Don't settle for anything under your values...To me he does not sound like he is the one for you...He honestly doesn't sound worthy of your precious time. Find a REAL guy that has better things to do than even be on the computer talking with other girls. Once you lose trust in a relationship it never comes back

Some people get a thrill from this type of behavior. Whilst it's true he might not physically act on it, this repeated type of emotional cheating will drive distance between you. The other sad point is if you are intimate regularly, why does he feel he needs to flirt with others

I am a big believer in second chances but this... enough now. Listen to your gut. You can have great times with someone else who doesn't get involved with other women behind your back.

Hes doing this because u set no consequences for him. U always take him back. U always forgive

. If u cut him off and never turn back, thats the only way. U are not respecting yourself and he knows it. This is y he pushes it every time and doesnt care if u say stop it. One mistake is enough to be forgiven but he did it many times now. If this guy was seriously sorry, hed change his number, delete all these apps and never hurt u again the first time he did it!! Im sorry u went thru this but be strong and find your way to true happiness where a man loves u and never would risk losing u.

Sure, give him one more try. I'm sure he'll choose to change sooner or later if you just hang in there and keep giving it the old college try. Even though he has yet to change his tune and he just keeps cheating on you and doesn't do anything beyond talk.

One time, well maybe. But at this stage of the game you are willfully deceiving yourself that he'll ever be faithful just as much as he is. I had an ex, I "forgave" him several instances too. In fact, I could also do a timeline of his cheating instances, all of them electronic. Until the day I caught him not being so "electronic" and actively going on a date with someone behind my back.

At that point I saw the light, got free, one of the best things I have simply ever done for myself. Seriously, why are you staying. And don't say it's love, because in real love, genuine love they don't cheat on you for any excuse and you don't let them. And there is no deception on both sides that the relationship is anything but toxic.