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Thread: Another online daing journal

  1. #2261
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    . . Seeing I have a support team (barely) staff are coached to email certain mailboxes rather than contact me directly. More than one person can respond to their needs and I'm overseeing it. If I step down they continue to email the email address such as FACILITIES and my replacement and others can respond to it instead if me.

    There's the over explained version ;)

  2. #2262
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    It almost sounds as though you're being pressured out. They took your assistant, they aren't rehiring, and your work load is overwhelming and unpredictable. That in itself would make me want to stay and fight lol. But that's really not always the best idea.

    I'm glad that you're thinking about stepping down, actually. It's one thing if you felt rewarded for all of your effort, but at this point your job sounds more aggravating than challenging. Why not drop out and reward yourself with peace of mind? Let that circus march itself off into the sunset.

  3. #2263
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Ive considered of the idea of being pressured out. I've seen them do it before.

    I wish they'd let me go so I'd be entitled to unemployment. That and offering them severance and cobra.

  4. #2264
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I finally hired someone but they don't start until next Friday. Things continue to be grueling and the conditions are sometimes almost unbearable. As much as I wondered if they were trying force me out, at the same time I've put out so many fires in the past couple weeks, they clearly need me. Not that I am all that special, but it's a reflection of how dysfunctional our department is. Someone has to show up and be accountable. Lord knows my boss and my boss's boss isn't. In the meantime the inmates are running the prison.

    Next Tuesday is our All Employee Meeting, 4 regions, 200 plus people and I know I've been nominated for an award. It's so confusing sometimes. I feels somewhat like being kicked repeatedly and then hugged at the same time?

    I've been very vocal lately and not holding back on my opinions. Some things that everyone else is afraid to address I've pretty much blown out of the water. Much to my surprise those that matter have listened. I can't figure if I've become more valuable, controversial or I have target on my back? At this point I am o.k. with any of the choices. I figure if I go out, I'll go out in flames.

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  6. #2265
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    I do think you are that special at your job and they know it!

  7. #2266
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I've been very vocal lately and not holding back on my opinions. Some things that everyone else is afraid to address I've pretty much blown out of the water. Much to my surprise those that matter have listened. I can't figure if I've become more valuable, controversial or I have target on my back? At this point I am o.k. with any of the choices. I figure if I go out, I'll go out in flames.
    Excellent!

  8. #2267
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't know what I believe as far as religion and spirituality. It's always a big fat question mark for me.

    I had a dream the other night that rocked me a little. It's the 3rd dream I've had like this in my lifetime. One maybe 15 years ago, one just before my mother passed away and one just a couple nights ago.

    They are very vivid dreams. I googled it and came up with lucid. Still not sure of the significance of calling it something means. But they are so real calling it just a dream doesn't seem right.

    Do I believe in people coming to you in your dreams? I really don't know. Is it just because of it's sensitivity I give more credit than it deserves? I just don't know.

    I dream a lot. Almost non stop lately. So much so it's this constant buzz of nonsense I can't recall. Every once in while I can recall something in a dream. They just aren't very significant.

    Two nights ago in the midst of some long running dream and my mom appeared. She wanted to tell me a story, so whatever other background noise that was going on had to stop. I wanted to give her my full attention. About 5 words into her story the dream stopped.

    I am not awake, yet not asleep and I can feel someone pushing gently on my chest. The pressure builds just enough to start to cause concern and then it just stayed at this gentle firm pressure. As if someone placed both palms on my chest, applied pressure and held it for a minute. It wasn't that I was dreaming this, I was experiencing this. In that moment it felt comforting. Sort of like a hug. I didn't want to fully wake because I was afraid it would stop. I stayed calm, waking up somewhat and then went back to sleep. Just as slowly as it came, it went away. When I replayed it back in the morning, it made me cry.

    I had a similar experience sleeping in the room my grandmother stayed in the last year of her life. She had passed the year prior but in that semi asleep/waking state I felt a breeze on my face that was waking me up. In the last moment I felt as if someone gently brushed my cheek and jumped up, startled. Like a vacuum, the breeze went away. I wasn't dreaming about her at the time.

    Maybe it's just that part of my psyche that misses them and looks for meaning where there isn't any. But just recounted these dreams brings me to tears. I have other dreams of my parents that I can recall and move me to some degree. But there is just something so real about these other 3 dreams that are a little unnerving. They are just too real to be called a dream.

    I want to believe my mom hugged me. I am going with that. I don't know what else to call it.

  9. #2268
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    That's really sweet. I know this doesn't compare in any way, but I had a beloved dog that grew up with me that passed away when I was 17. He was 17 also. I loved him so much and it really broke me when he passed because it was kind of in a traumatic way, and I've never felt right about it (just that I didn't get there to see him in time, he passed due to old age).

    Anyway, ever since then, whenever I am feeling really awful and have had a lot of stress going on, he comes to me in dreams with such clarity that even in my dream, I recognize that he's there to give me peace and calm - like, whatever is happening in the dream will come to standstill when I see him again. This has happened probably half a dozen times since he passed. In my dream I always know why he's there, and it makes me acknowledge that I'm in a bad place, so it definitely helps me do self improvement afterwards, because he only ever visits when I need him.

    I always tell my mom when he comes, because she really loved him, too, and wishes he would come visit her.

    We don't deserve dogs.

  10. #2269
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Sweet story K. Thanks for sharing.

  11. #2270
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's approaching the one year anniversary of my mothers passing.

    I am not sure how I got through last years holidays. It was just a blur.

    Now the anticipation of them kinda freaks me out. My youngest son, his wife and in laws, coupled with S and I are going to Cabo San Lucas. The goal was to run away from the Christmas. For reasons too long to share, we return 12/23.

    I keep thinking that I need to chill out some and take things as they come. But now my exact fears bubble up to the surface.

    My sons didn't choose to come from a divorced family. They often feel torn trying to see both their parents during the holidays. For this reason I basically give them a free pass throughout the year, but press them for one night, Christmas eve.

    For years I would have my sons, my brothers family and my mom for dinner. Christmas day they are freed up for their father and his family, girlfriends, wives etc.

    Now without my mom nothing seems to make sense. My youngest son is often pulled two ways on Christmas eve. His wife's family traditionally celebrates on the same day. With some compromise on their end they come to dinner and show up late to his in laws. After all they are with them on Thanksgiving and Christmas day as well. My oldest son often has to work. If he isn't scheduled, the likelihood he gets hired anyway is almost a given.

    S has his parents and his son. My home is bulging at the seams just to accommodate my family. No matter how I slice it, I can't include 4 more.

    The way things shake out, I would likely end up cooked for my brothers family. My youngest son would make an appearance, my oldest will work and my mom wouldn't be there. S can't join us. And of course, my moms absence will be deafening.

    I can't spend the holidays with those closest to me and though I am grateful, I now find myself in a situation where I have to chose and that makes me sad.

    Thanksgiving my youngest invited me to join his in laws for their annual Thanksgiving at the Colorado river. My oldest son has to work both days, before and after so he can't join us.
    S can't go. S's parents are coming into town and he will be cooking for them
    My brother has invited me to go his wife's brothers house. It's an hour away.

    I come home the day before Christmas eve and wanted to skip Christmas entirely. But it will there waiting for me when I get back.

    I thought I was being silly. But this is exactly why I dreaded the end of the year.
    I realize I could have worse problems. Thankful that I have choices, but I don't want to choose.
    My mom was the glue that kept things together. Now I have to rethink how to handle the holidays and I don't want to:(


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