Getting married...babies...oh god....

you guys know i'm getting married in april, and i have a really (REALLY) hard time admitting this b/c I've been "childfree" for so long and such a stickler for it...but it's something I really really (REALLY) have to think about now that we're getting married...

Jared told me tonight he wants at least one child and it doesn't matter where it comes from--from both of us or adoption. He wants just one child. He's always had an indifference (would be happy having them, woudl be happy not having them, either way is fine with him) to children, whereas I've always been hardcore not having children. But since I started getting serious with him (and it pains me to admit this ), I've started wndering about having a child with him. I love him so very much and jsut want everything I could possibly have with him, maybe even a kid included. Crazy, right, that love could change a woman with a cold heart and even colder uterus?

So now I'm so torn...I'm scared to effing death about pregnancy and birth, so terribly scared of it, to the point of shaking when i think hard about it, so I would want to go the adoptin route (which I know he'd be fine with b/c he knows my feelings on pregnancy), but it seems like such a difficult and lengthy and stressful process, full of home visits and references and medical history and background history and so much stuff (whereas anyone can have a child) that I don't know if I'd be up for it. Plus I really freak myself out thinking about what our world is coming to in terms of pollution and landfills and competition on jobs and my child's well-being and morals...the list goes on and on and I plague myself with these thoughts...

I have no idea what to do. I am willing to have one with him. There, I said it (and please, no remarks of "I told you so!" or "wow, you were so against them!" b/c it's taking me A LOT to really even admit this (and I even considered making a new ENA name to post this subject on b/c I'm so scared about appearing hypocritical or even seen as someone who "changed her mind" and becoming part of the crowd that does that)...I guess I just need words of wisdom from moms to put my fears at ease and clue me in to what it takes to be a mom, not just to babies or toddlers, but children, teenagers, young adults, adults, etc...b/c I'm really trying to think of the next 60 years of that child's life, provided I live long enough to see it turn 60. I'm really scared here about motherhood!

I'm childfree too so I definitely know where you're coming from.

You say that he used to be indifferent. I'm curious as to why he'd be saying that he'd want one.

It sounds like you don't want kids at all for a variety of reasons - pain of pregnancy, dealing with all the B.S., impact on earth, etc. These are great reasons to never have kids. It sounds like you have always been childfree...would you still be that way if he was childfree too?

All I can say is BE CAREFUL. Don't be off having kids or adopting because he wants but deep down, you don't. You can be resentful and that's not good for anyone. Instead, I would explore with him why HE wants one. You've given great reasons for not having them, so why does he want one?

(This is a question that is rarely asked. And just "wanting one" isn't a good answer)

I would follow your gut and make sure that you're not doing it out of love. A child should never come out of love for a guy. It should come because you genuinely want one out of the bottom of your heart. Keep your head clear and make sure that you're not going in this direction out of pressure because in the end, you may very well regret it.

i know, and i would give the same advice (and have before) to someone with the same worries...I think I'd be happy having a kid with him. I know I woudl...he's amazing. and i've never ever considered it with anyone else before. and i don't want to be one of those women who says "oh i never wanted them either!" to someone who says they don't want kids.

i feel like having a child is selfish--why else woudl you bring a child into this world for any other reason? if the child doesnt exist yet, why have one if for nothing other than a selfish reason (and not saying selfishness is bad here...not using it in that context). i don't want to be selfish.

why was he indifferent? for a number of reasons. mostly b/c he's like me...if it happens, it's meant to be. if it doesn't, that's meant to be. i'm the same way--if god wants me to have a child, god will let me have a child. if god doesn't want me to...well, you get my point.

i do still know that even if i never change my mind on this, he'll be perfectly ok with it. and i know that to be true. but it's me who has to do the deciding here

oh christ....the second i posted this thread, all of my facebook ads turned to ones about pregnancy

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Just remember you have all the time you need to decide which route is best for you. It seems like right now, you are struggling with a lot of worry about the fate of your potential future child. Don't let that stop you from having a child if that's the main thing holding you back. I know a lot of people who have had trouble with pregnancy/birth and also people who have struggled through the adoption process. No matter how hard it was to get the child, everyone I know who has struggled to get a child (because they truly want one) has said the benefits outweigh the cost.

I guess I'm just saying, don't let fear of any kind (pain, future environment, child's future, being selfish, etc.) keep you from doing what's best for you.

but i dont know waht's best for me and i want it to be the best for us, especially b/c it'll be our child, not just mine. i'm so scared of motherhood.

but i dont know waht's best for me and i want it to be the best for us, especially b/c it'll be our child, not just mine. i'm so scared of motherhood.

The best thing is that you have time to decide! Do research on adoption and child-bearing. Maybe talk to some mothers you respect (and hopefully some will respond to this thread!). I think you should do your best to get rid of your fear of being a mother because then you will be able to make a logical, informed decision. You don't have to decide today or tomorrow or next year or even in five years.

i know...but i still don't want to go into a marraige not knowing, b/c it can defiinitely make or break a marriage.

I'm kind of like you, hers. Personally, I don't really want children. But, I think that if I married someone and I loved them, I'd probably want to try having kids with them, and being a family, and all that stuff that makes me want to gag right now when I think about it.

I think that you just need to do what makes you happy. You don't have to decide right this minute. Maybe give it a year or two of marriage. And who cares if you've changed your mind, or what other people think? It is your life and you can do what you want with it.

You know, you're not THAT old! You write as if you're 80 ! LOL

First of all, why are you so afraid of childbirth and everything? I know when I've been pregnant...it was scary. But afterwards you really do forget about it. Yes, it's painful. But I would do it another 200 times just to have one of my children around.

I need to tell you what an absolute blessing my children are. Yes, you should be ready. Yes, you should think about what you can do for that child, and not just what that child can do or should/shouldn't do for you. If you enter into motherhood with this attitude, and with the education you may need to raise a healthy child...you'll do great!

It's all about education. read, read, read, be prepared. Then you'll know what you're getting yourself into.

Then it will all be easier (and very rewarding) when you do.

Good luck!

Just make sure you both are on the same page before marriage! Surprises after marriage will ruin your relationship!

What you are feeling is totally natural. It happens many times where someone doesn't want kids and then they fall in love and everything changes. To me, I was not eager to have children, but then again the relationship with my ex wasn't a mutual and stable relationship. I started becoming open to kids. Then my marriage ended, but for other reasons. Now, I have met a wonderful guy that I am absolutely nuts for, and he for me, and to me, the idea of kids is just something that would naturally come out of the love we have for each other. Jared must be a very special man and you must really click.

Now, if you would have told me at 20 that i would ever feel this way, i would have said you were nuts. I don't think it is a case of "don't have a kid if you arenot absolutely sure" in your case - its more like that things have changed and your feelings have changed.

I think some of the fears of pregnancy, etc, would go away when you were actually pregnant and some of the fears would definitely be more fear of the unknown. For me, education as far as reading books, etc, and certainly going to classes sort of takes the mystery out of it.

If you are not open to letting nature take its course, adoption is not as scary as some folks make it out to be. Actually, oddly enough a few people I knew ended up getting pregnant while starting the process. Someone I knew became a foster parent. Actually, she said she would only foster babies and many times they ended up being temporary - where a baby had to be somewhere safe for a few days or a few weeks and mostly the parents got the baby back after parenting classes or perhaps there was a situation that wasn't about them being a neglectful parent (i think one lady was in a coma but she came out of it). Anyway, there was a little boy who ended up staying with them for a little while and the mother ended up signing her rights away and the baby was up for adoption. . She and her husband expressed interest in adoption and it really ended up not being too bad. It was a mother who just kept having kids and leaving them. The grandmother of the baby was very supportive of the adoption as well.

There were some adoption proceedings that went on for awhile after they physically had the child, but that was par for the course. Then, they found out that the child had a full brother and they adopted him too. It wasn't high drama because the baby wasn't bounced around and they had him from when he was a few weeks old, etc.

But as far as adopting without being a foster parent, obviously you'll have to do more paperwork etc before you get the child. But it is not impossible, especially if you are open to adopting not just a newborn but a child up to the age of a toddler, too

Thank you for your replies.

Pregnancy scares me for so many reasons. And motherhood scares me for a million reasons too. I have such an awful relationship with my parents. I couldn't imagine having a child that grew up to hate me, especially if I did everything in my power to let that not happen. I'm just so scared of screwing up a child's life, especially when my own life isn't sorted out yet (emotional problems I'm working through, working through dealing with growing up as the child of an alcoholic, etc), stuff I don't want to pass on to a child. I just feel like I need every single question about pregnancy and motherhood answered for me, and I need to know exactly how that child will turn out, even though I kno that's impossible. It just scares me.

this reminds me of men...men who are terrified of being fathers. funny thing is...even the most terrified men are completely shattered when they DO have kids. the fears dissolve...the insecurities evaporate...and all they're left with is this vast expanse of space...openness. seems to be one of those events that shatters walls...walls that have been around for entire lifetimes. it's pretty neat.

i dunno. i can recall having similar thoughts (albeit, being a father seems to be a bit different than being a mother, and actually giving birth). all of the fears of what could happen, the insecurities of actually being responsible for another life. seems to be worth investigating. might learn something about yourself.

Hers, what exactly is it that scares you about pregnancy? I can understand being scared of giving birth, but you say you are actually scared of pregnancy. Can you expand on that a little more please?

You might have already discussed this and decided against it but what about surrogacy? That way, you could have a baby that was yours and Jared's, but someone else would do the tricky birthing part

Just an idea, assuming you're both healthy then I'd guess that would be quicker and less red-taped than adoption as well.

From what I know of you, I think you are somewhat similar to myself in this context. We both grew up in crappy environments and this is a large part of the reason I am leaning towards never having kids. But, I think we both have a strong motherly instinct actually. Just look at how you treated your dog until the end

You put their needs on the top of your list and I do the same for my dog.

And you were able to really connect and not just subjugate them as a dog but treat them accordingly. You don't spoil them completely and communicate to them as though they are a dog so they understand and for their good and yet you have a gentle hand and are loving. I think you would make a great mother.. perhaps your fear of connecting with people in the motherly role is partly why you connected with your dog in such a strong way. This might not be the case for you but I know it comes into play with me.

And when I saw a picture of you holding a baby you had that look on your face and I actually thought to myself: "wow, she would make a great mother.. but I wouldn't" hehe

Only you can decide on what will make you happy though. For me, it is pretty much to the point where if somebody used the word "mom" directed at me I would feel disgusting and be depressed. I know that is extreme but if it is anywhere near there for you, and you do think you want to pursue the idea of having your own children, a couple's counselor (or individual) might be a good step to help you feel more assured.

You know what school used to scare me, now I am something of a school junkie. letting the love of my life go used to scare the hell out of me but she is gone and I am doing ok. my pont is you dont know how you will feel until you walk through that fear. I know ist scary but if its important to you I can garuntee you, you wont regret it in the end.

Be very very careful of this one. Right now you are still in the honeymoon period of this relationship so everything is gold and you are running high on emotions rather than logic. Your reasons for now wanting a baby have to do with all these honeymoon period, "I can't keep my eyes off of you" emotions towards your fiancé. You did not say in your post that you really changed your mind about motherhood. It is the old cliché of a woman who wants to show her love for her man by having "his baby". That is not reason enough to have a baby or even adopt a child. A relationship will not be all hearts and flowers as it is now in the honeymoon period, particularly when a child appears. Right now you look at your fiancé and you get all mushy gushy inside which is prompting the feelings of "I want his baby". It is a romantic notion...but having a baby and raising a child is NOT romantic and can often test a relationship. If you don't want to raise a child for the child's sake, then you should not be doing it for your fiancés sake. Once you have a child, even adopt a child, it is yours for life....you are completely and totally committed to raising the child no matter what happens to your relationship. So your decision to have children should be a completely separate issue from your love for your fiancé.

I never had a thought of having children of my own until I was about your age. I had really planned on not having them... even though I was seriously dating a devout catholic man who expected me to stay home and have a dozen of them... lol! Well... that didn't last!

But then around 28ish I started warming to the idea. I thought I'd like to have kids... someday...

And, then around 32ish I become pregnant unexpectedly and never questioned my need for having and keeping a baby... my son is the best thing I never planned for... and I'm someone who mapped out my college and career from the end of my 8th grade year in school.

All I'm saying is that people change... ALL THE TIME. I'm always happy to support a woman's decision not have children but always state that with time you may change your mind. The things you thought of when you are 20something.... look a whole lot different when you are 40something and you can never convince a 20something that that is true! LOL!

Don't feel rushed to make a decision but know that when one part of a couple wants a child and the other does not it makes for an unhappy marriage. Perhaps you two should visit some type of counselor to help you work through the issue... many churches offer pre-wedding counselling or you may choose a private therapist but I would make sure the two of you are on the same page before you wed.

Good luck!

Hers, what exactly is it that scares you about pregnancy? I can understand being scared of giving birth, but you say you are actually scared of pregnancy. Can you expand on that a little more please?

pregnancy scares me for a lot of reasons--the hormones, the swelling, the sickness, the weight gain (that may never come off), so many things. then there's birth--episiotomies, placenta, the list goes on and on. then the possibility of postpartum depression, the chance of having a child with health defects, etc...

You might have already discussed this and decided against it but what about surrogacy? That way, you could have a baby that was yours and Jared's, but someone else would do the tricky birthing part

 

Just an idea, assuming you're both healthy then I'd guess that would be quicker and less red-taped than adoption as well.

no surrogacy wouldn't be an option for me. i really would prefer to go the adoption route. it's not important to either of us that the child be "ours" in a biological sense.

From what I know of you, I think you are somewhat similar to myself in this context. We both grew up in crappy environments and this is a large part of the reason I am leaning towards never having kids. But, I think we both have a strong motherly instinct actually. Just look at how you treated your dog until the end

 

You put their needs on the top of your list and I do the same for my dog.

 

And you were able to really connect and not just subjugate them as a dog but treat them accordingly. You don't spoil them completely and communicate to them as though they are a dog so they understand and for their good and yet you have a gentle hand and are loving. I think you would make a great mother.. perhaps your fear of connecting with people in the motherly role is partly why you connected with your dog in such a strong way. This might not be the case for you but I know it comes into play with me.

 

And when I saw a picture of you holding a baby you had that look on your face and I actually thought to myself: "wow, she would make a great mother.. but I wouldn't" hehe

 

Only you can decide on what will make you happy though. For me, it is pretty much to the point where if somebody used the word "mom" directed at me I would feel disgusting and be depressed. I know that is extreme but if it is anywhere near there for you, and you do think you want to pursue the idea of having your own children, a couple's counselor (or individual) might be a good step to help you feel more assured.

thanks, suzy. i have no idea what kind of mom i'd be. i just know i'm scared to go through it all in order to find out. i don't want to have a child who i regret having, even if i love them. i dont want to wonder what my life "would've been like" had I never had them. i'd rather regret not having a kid than regret having that kid.

we are looking into premarital counseling, as i think it'd be beneficial to our relationship either way.

if you read what i wrote, you would've seen that i wouldn't be doing this for him to show him how i love him, like i have to prove my love for him. what i said is that i love him so much that i want everything with him. that doesn't mean having his baby for the sake of letting him have a baby. it just means wanting to have as much love as possible, but i wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the life of a child before being 10000% sure in the decision.

we're no longer in the honeymoon period. we passed throught hat a few months ago. we're getting through some issues that i need to work on, namely intimacy issues and things about his mother, things that are my problem that i'm trying to fix, with his support. we have a 10-month engagement and the main focus is our upcoming marriage, not our upcoming wedding, as excited as i am and as much as we're planning it.

i don't feel rushed, i guess, but i do feel scared. that's just the best way for me to describe it. like i go back to the night before my nephew was born and my sister and i took a picture of our bellies--her big pregnant belly and my squishy puffed out non-pregnant belly. i think of taking a picture like that, one where i'm pregnant and about to give birth, and i want to cry....that's not what i want for myself. but i still wouldn't mind having a kid through adoption. that'd be our number one option, i think. i know that we'd both be fine with that, but i still wouldn't do it until i am completely and utterly sure i am ready for it and want it.

Agree 100% with this.

Keep in mind the cost of raising one child to adulthood is now going to cost $475,000, not including college.

Also, look around your family and evaluate the gene pool and know it is likely your child will inherit many of their traits.

P.S.

Also look at your husband's gene pool.

I'm terrified of being pregnant too! I mean all of the physical stuff. O.O

I don't want a baby coming out of me. But yeah yeah I'm 22 might change my mind...

 

Also, look around your family and evaluate the gene pool and know it is likely your child will inherit many of their traits.

 

ugh, i already have i think of the child's potential grandparents (my parents and my FI's parents) adn think of how many crappy christmases that child will have if they were involved.