Post here instead of contacting your ex!

I'm so sorry I didn't put enough effort in. I treated you terribly. You are amazing. I wish I didn't take you for granted. I still don't deserve this pain though. I love you. I think I always will.

It is true that I am in a stable loving marriage right now, but I can't stop thinking about my ex. I know the means in which to contact him but what would I say. Whats the point right now. Nothing good can come of it.

Why do you need me if you are in love with her? You want to see me, be with me but you still say you are in love with her. You say you never said anything definitive about any of it. After you drink too much you say I am "your best friend, and more". That being with me feels normal, real. Our bodies lean towards each other naturally when we are together, even now.

You love me and someday I think that will smack you between the eyes. But you've changed us too much. Even after 20 years, you may have done too much damage to us. I hate that giving up means you go completely to her. But I am actually starting to believe that saying - we get the love we think we deserve. I think I deserve better than your love after it has gone through the filter of her. I deserve to be loved better. And you? You deserve to love yourself better. First. Start there. Please. You are worth it.

***

Leaving him will be the hardest thing I've done in a really really long time. I will give myself a break, I will take better care of myself. I know that I can post my pain here. I am not alone!!!

Bored at work tonight so my thoughts drift to you and the life we used to share. I wish everyday that things could go back to normal. Your moving on so fast. It's like the last 16 years were nothing to you. I'm still broken into a million pieces with no idea how long I will be this way. Maybe forever, I still love everything about you.

I wish we could just go back to the way it was. I wish I could say goodbye. I wish seeing you didn't make me want to take your pain away. I wish seeing me made you want to take my pain away. I wish you wanted to give her up. I wish you had not made her so much a part of the narrative you have about Life's gifts. I wish I could say goodbye.

So tonight you text again after I didn't answer four days ago. I answered like a test dummy. Smh. Then at the end of the convo you send me a kiss emoji. Smh. What do you want from me? Why do you keep coming 2 steps when you need to come 10? This is crazy and cruel. You know I love you.

Tonight I had a moment of aching for you. But then I thought - you could be aching for her right now. And I just want to roll up in a ball. I miss knowing that we were for each other.

I actually worked out today how many days we were in a relationship. 2020 (not including the 3 months of dating before we became official)

That's thousands of kisses, cuddles, dinners shared, snuggles on the sofa. Things I'll never have with you again. We've visited 12 countries together, explored so many cities here. What I'd give to stroll hand in hand with you around a new city.

I miss you so much. Please make me better, please fix me.

Awake at 3am and all I want to do is text you. I miss you so much. I wonder if you are missing me and if you ever thib k about me at all. Thoughts of you consume my brain and it's making me crazy. I know I need to move on but how...

It's like you've had a brain transplant. Did I even know the real you for 6 years? The kind, moral man you were. It's only been a month, and you're a stranger to me. I don't recognise you in any of your actions and words. I love you still. I'm lost without you.

I learned so much about loving, in loving you.

Thank you, for every minute of it.

I messed up and I never should have left you. I'm still thinking about you and me, even 2 years later.

I wish I knew how you were thinking/feeling after the break-up at each stage. For some reason, I feel like that would help a lot. I don't think you'll ever give me that explanation, though.

So this is to all my exs .... what on earth is going on ????? I'm 48 years old and I have been in multiple relationships over the last 29 years !!!!!!!!! The longest of which was 13 years and in the last one I was dumped 4 mths ago. So what is the problem ? Is it me or is it them?

I came from a very happy home where my parents met at 17 and married at 21 and were married till my mum died at 56. I have always wanted a life time relationship. I never wanted this life of failed relationships.

I am a kind, considerate, educated and hard working person. So what is it ? What am I missing ? My partners have been emotionally abusive, horrible, cruel and cheating individuals !! All of them !! So what should I do ? Give up and live the rest of my life alone ? or try again ... I really am getting too old for this this sxxt !!!

If I give up I will have to live the rest of my life alone. and it's not that I am not able to, either financially or physically, cause I can, I just don't want to. But how on earth can I ever trust anybody ever again ?? After so so many years of failure how can I muster the energy to start all over again ? And what's the point ?

This is going to be a rough 7 days, you're flying out Sunday to Greece., a trip I was supposed to be going on. Tuesday is my birthday the first one I've spent without you for the past 4 years. Then Saturday was supposed to be our official 4 year anniversary. Thinking about all these dates, and what we had planned for all of them gives me anxiety. I love and miss you so much and to know you'll be across the ocean in Greece without me kills me. I don't know why but I have this feel or maybe it's just hope that when you get back from the trip that maybe you'll wanna get a coffee and actually talk about what went wrong.

Well, I said to my ex that you should not start what you can't complete till the end. People change. Some are vain they want looks more than love security. It will happen. Thank God that you did not marry yet. That means one person will be coming soon. Smile. 48 is still good to meet real love.

Hey you, as the one in the movie the Kidd lines said, 'we could have been great.' But your mentality is not the same as that. I see you acted rude to me in text and in person alone. No women entered your heart. Yet you want to be politician. You said I am the only one but too quick to cancel our wedding date. Too quick too break up. You don't have to want me to ignore you but you want me to be ignored by you. You said no other woman and that you are not dating. My friends said you don't look good and they don't want you for me. Yet we still need to be cordial but to you only in public. You are too proud. Hot or cold. When men surrounds me you greet me with smile and did not hesitate to be standing next to me. But when they are not around you want to be left alone. Wow, one day, you will see who you took for granted from day one. Have your ego boost today, soon, you will see that your ego has no happiness in love. You said you were desperate to be with me. Now, you are not desperate. Next time, you became desperate, I will not be there. Thanks for being not the one. I never really liked you anyway. I don't want to hate you and u don't want to be mistreated by you anymore. Talk to yourself later.

If not now then when....? I'm here. I'll wait.

I hate how broody I am - I wanted to have babies with you. You wanted to have them with me. I miss you.

"When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone, carry on". I didn't think I would be here again this time, at least not so soon. I believed this time we could get it right and with god between us we could go all the way. This last week revealed to me what life would be like with you and how little you feel towards me. Every single day was spent with other people , your family and even when one group would leave we would go to another. We had 1 night together out of 5 and it was spent going to a movie you wanted to see. When I came home from seeing my friends and we talked, granted I was quite drunk but I remember it being a fairly productive conversation. I was feeling you my feelings about still being unsure where you stood because you say things like " I'm still getting to know you" and there's constantly other girls on your phone who I don't know. It kind of felt like progress and then I can't remember granted I was drunk but it was serious to me and u laughed at me. In my face and then I ended up sleeping in the other room. I woke up confused. Sunday we wee in mass and I kept praying about my mom and also showing me my husband because I'm ready and I want my own family. Then the very next. Day our fighting that lead to you breaking up w me happens I think it's a sign. I didn't enjoy being a step mom every day to your kid and watching how your brother, mother and sister adore their spouses but I am more of an accessory to you. It was embarrassing for me. You don't tell me seeet little things or snuggle with me and pillow talk. You even cancelled our one romantic dinner so we could join your sibling who we've been spending all week with. Our relationship wasn't important, I was just someone for u to bring for your amusement. My feelings were irrelevant, you didn't ask about my mom once. Then when we fought u ignored me making me stay up all night on edge and when I reach out to try to talk in person u say no that u have an appointment, no effort to meet before or after. All the effort is me, team of 1, to fix something so obvious that it was your fault but u blame me and then add in some personal jabs. Take a day of ignoring me to even have the courage to break up w me and then its via text not even on the phone. Without any hint of feeling or care for me , just a sarcastic dear jen letter . All of that shows me and tells me I was nothing but entertainment and convenience to you. I'm embarrassed that I had the feelings I did and that I let someone make my opinion so insignificant. I'm hurting and confused as to how all of it seemed real when none of it was. And afraid I will desperately reach out to you, when I know you don't deserve it and you were awful to me.

Out of. Loneliness and missing something that really never existed because the memories I have make it seem like I mattered to you.

The random text you sent me about the game we both play. It was so random...out of the blue, even you said it.

I need you to understand that meaningless texts hurt me more than they hurt you. You do not understand how much I wanted to hear you ask me how I'm doing or talk about something that really, truly has meaning. Perhaps we could even figure out what went wrong.

But you won't. You just let it all sit. God I wish I could tell you.

Timing can be a bch right?

Enjoy yourself in London.

Will miss you.

I never told you this but through the months, I was falling in love with you.

I know you said you wanted long term with me, but we have to be realistic-long distance just doesn't work.

Regardless, I did get attached to you.

You were a good guy.

I'm dying to contact him. Ugh!

I hope you are fine, wherever you are now.

I hope I am, too.

It's been a month and a half since I broke up with you. I know it was the right thing to do. You were abusive, cruel and I'm sure you were deceiving me and were lying to me. It hurts me to think about that. I loved you so much. I had to set boundaries because no matter how much I love you, I cannot allow you to take me for granted. You knew I loved you and that I gave you my heart. Yet you mistreated me. I still miss you. I miss the good things about what we had. They became fewer and fewer through time. The relationship was destroyed. As much as I miss you, I know it's right to keep going. I know it's normal to miss something that was bad for me. I need to keep going ahead, looking forward and not looking back. You were toxic. You hurt me knowingly and without any regard for my heart. If I told you this, you would mock it and find a way to suit you instead of appreciating. You are not a good person and you don't deserve my vulnerability. Men like you are like the pigs and the wolves. You devour the kind hearted and eat us a live. You will not hear from me. You don't deserve me.