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[throw]

You were my first everything. And now, I'm robbed of it all. You've taken my purity and my innocence. I don't know what to believe anymore. We had just gone on a wonderful holiday - was that all a lie? You were just discussing marriage plans 2 weeks before the breakup - lies again? I can't trust another man when he says he loves me. I can't trust another man when he says he will always be there for me. I can't trust myself to be a good judge of character. You've tainted my perception of love. Of happiness. And now here I am, in a city where we fell in love with so many memories haunting me whilst you get to escape back to your hometown - surrounded by family and friends. Here I am, left to pick up the pieces. You're a horrible person for doing this to me. To another human being. And still, I love you? It's not fair... Why do I still love you?

[Dominique]

I would give just about anything to hold you right now

[lilymelrosa]

weirdly, thinking of you has been hurting a little bit less and less as i keep myself busy. now i just keep finding things to be angry at, when it comes to you. sometimes i still keep blaming only myself but i know it was not like that: i did a lot of wrong things but you did it too, just in different ways. i just want to forgive myself, which is the hardest part. in fact, i think that, besides being angry, i forgave you been a long time. you gave me a lot and taught me so much about people and myself especially. i can't resent you for the majority of our relationship, that made me so happy. some time ago, if you said "let's get back together" i would not think twice; i would go to you right away. now i realize that i don't want that anymore. i don't know what the future holds but i want to move on from you, find somebody else that makes me happier and won't lie to me. but that will probably take a long time. for now, i just need to forgive myself and realize that i wasn't the only one doing wrong things.

[Jigga]

I miss you babe and I love you but I need to let you go.

[ellie00]

I'm all moved out now. I hope that you now find the happiness that you seek. Maybe you will realize that you had it all along, you just didn't see me for what I truly am. I will always love you no amount of distance or time will change that.

[Dominique]

i don't want alot... i just want you and the kids. us together forever. as you used to say, "if that's all i could ever have, i would be happy."

[tigerkitten]

I was too good for you, and you were right when you told me I deserved better than you!!!

[Dominique]

Hey Baby. We need to sit outside and grill some seafood and hold hands. Watch the kids play.... There's a wine tasting today. We need to go and just be. That's all I want.

[Lam12]

Restart NC again.....

 

Miss you and I wish I hadn't given in. Hearing that you missed me was hard and I really was hurting. Why do you have to be so difficult! I love you but you are so bad for me

 

I know this is for the best, my life feels so crap right now

[RedPencil]

Tom,

 

I had to ask you to close our email address and not contact me again because you are not good for me. Because you don't really want a family and kids. You were so damaged. You did not know how to show me love, you did not love me, you just repeated an abuse process that you inflicted on God knows how many other women. You have no idea what you did to me and how much it hurts not having you but I love myself enough to not let you in again. I hear from other people that you're doing ok. I decided not to talk about you to anyone we know. What's the point. I am trying to hide the fact that you were an abuser because I am scarred of being judged for choosing to be with you. You are such a skilful one, because everyone thinks you were formidable, intelligent, clever. If only they knew true you, I sometimes think. You were twisted and malicious but also at times it seemed like you had heart. So, what happened to you? What happened? I am so sorry for you. It is true, you will never be happy. At least I stand a chance, I keep trying. Life is so complicated. I miss being held in your arms. I miss inhaling your breath and smelling your skin yet I know you are already chasing another woman and seeking another narcissistic supply. You disgust me. It's best that you were as far away from me as possible.

[Lam12]

Day 1 of NC

 

AGH so angry I messaged you again. No more now. Feeling okay for now, will go to the gym and preoccupy myself. Hope to be distracted, you can do this, you've done it before

[Dominique]

you,me, fireworks, the kids.......

[Dominique]

seriously hurting inside today..... one day at a time. missing you so much, My Luv

[missing003]

July 4th would have been our 4th year together. So many good memories together. This year is going to be so hard without you. I miss you.

[D1mps]

I appreciate the mail, however I confess I didn't read it...

 

I know you didn't want my wounds to heal, but I'm wrapped tightly in the bandages of those closest to me and you'll never penetrate through, so don't even try...

[Lam12]

day 3 - be all okay

[D1mps]

Let me go!

[chimva96]

I get it. I was always insecure. There were voids in my heart that only I should’ve filled, but instead I filled them with you and I never felt truly satisfied. I relied on you to be my emotional backbone. You were the only thing that made me happy. In attempts to feel satisfied I abusively tested your love, taking it for granted. I pushed you away, just to see if you would come back. Sending that breakup text was not to break up with you but just to make sure you wouldn’t leave. Of course, I was high which made it worse, but the weed was not a result of my intentions. It only magnified what was already present. Speaking of the weed, I found something that also gave me security/happiness. My blind heart,only wanting to fill its holes, did not see a perfect loving girl and weed, it saw two outlets for fulfilment. Ignorantly it chose the quicker/easier one to access. Due to the nature of drugs, it consumed my life and caused me to neglect you in ways I never wanted to. For the record, it was never my friends. They were in no way better than you and I knew that deep down. I just happen to be around them most when I was high.

 

The sad part is that I was completely unaware of it. At the time, I didn’t know why I did all of it or that it was wrong, otherwise I would’ve stopped. Oblivious to my issues I took you for granted without even knowing. I was selfish. I was always selfish. Mostly every issue we had stemmed from my insecurity and selfish ways to appease it. I only did what was in my interests. Although you have the one of the largest hearts I’ve ever experienced, it was not infinite. Your capacity to love seemed bottomless, but that was my mistake. I ran you dry. I neglected your heart and only cared for mine. I’m truly sorry for that. I hope you can see that I was just a young/dumb kid rather than seeing me as a bad person.

 

Fortunately, I’m learning how to love myself by forgiving myself. Not to undermine my actions (I’ve definitely grieved enough), but so I can move on and avoid these mistakes in the future. This experience has truly shaped me. I want to thank you for opening my eyes. However, I wish that I would’ve made this mistake with someone else because you are undeniably the cat’s pajamas. I got lucky and unlucky to find the best one first.

You were my first true love and it was incredible. I think it’s fair to say I did the best I could with what I had during the time. I truly enjoyed our time spent together, and I am very grateful for it all; Our adventures, our laughs, the dancing, our cuddles, everything. I believe what we had was truly beautiful and a blessing. Sadly I lost sight of what it was.

 

Boop, you will always have a very, very special place in my heart. I pray only for happiness in your life. I love you and I hope for the absolute best for you and your future.

[Sheelah]

20 years - how can someone you've known for 4 months be more than that? You cried telling me you choose her, then held me, told me you couldn't believe you would make that choice. Look at you, you said - how can I turn away from this? I believe your love for me is real. I don't believe your intensity with her is love. I know you want to explode your life, I am collateral damage. Mid life crisis they call it. I can barely breathe some days still. I miss you in my bones. My skin doesn't fit right. I want to laugh with you about all the little things. I had a migraine the other day and all I could think about was how magic your presence was in helping them go away. The sun is out and I think of being with you in it. I miss the scent of you. I miss your hands on the guitar. I know in my head that I can't have you back. You are mixing up intensity and love right now and you want the chaotic kind of attention that breaks people. She doesn't know that yet. I know she sees the beauty and charm and appeal of the intensity of you. But you have left me broken and bleeding and so so cold, even on this warm day.

[ThePoodle]

When you finally contacted me almost two months ago, my heart leapt for joy. When you told me that you felt like you could only be happy here with me and that you couldn't see having a family with anyone but me, I felt like I was on the top of the world. All I had to do was wait again for you to get back on your feet and figure out what you wanted to do in life. I was so happy, I wanted to wait for you and I still do. But now I feel like you're pulling away. I found out you made your casual relationship Facebook official and when I asked you about it weeks ago, you said you had ended it because you couldn't stop thinking about me. You used to text me so often, and wanting to know about me. But now its like you care less.... I found out this morning you spent time with the girl you casually dated. The entire weekend you didn't talk to me. I would've been fine and I would've understood...if the last time we were together you didn't hide your phone at an angle when we cuddled. I keep wanting to believe you and see it as normal. I want to ask you so badly....if you still feel the same way about me, if you changed your mind, if you still want so strongly to be with me, but I'm afraid if I do that, i'll push you away. I want to believe what you're telling me, but I'm so conflicted.... I'm a secret. Your parents know I'm still here because your car broke down. No one would've known know about me...but they'd see that you're with someone else. Because you said you decided to end it days before texting me and were going to leave it up there for who knows how long. I miss being with you, spending time together, spending the night. But I'm so afraid that you'll do what you did before. Change your mind but not tell me. Or worse. I believed the first time, you'd tell me if you. But I ended up finding out by asking you directly instead because you decided suddenly you wanted space from me. We talk only through text. We never talk on the phone or see each other often because I live two hours away. I can only continue to trust you that you aren't going to hurt me and that things will get better. You still have my pictures up and on your phone, you always text me and you always text me goodnight. You still talk to me about making plans to visit and I'm so happy you still do. But i'm so scared that I will get hurt again

[datingnovice]

I like you.

[Sheelah]

I texted. Ugh. I asked if you were ok. You said "today was hard. You?" I said "today was hard for me too". What I want to say next is - then why are you doing this? I know it is hard when someone else comes along but I understand that life works that way. You know I know that in 20 years, we are going to meet others who we are attracted to. Sometimes, it's people that we know if things were different we would start a relationship with. And sometimes even, it's people that make us feel sad that we can't be with them. But you still say no. Say - see you next lifetime. You still choose the love that was first, that is still true and good and home and yes, intense too. You don't grab after the new/intense and agonize over the love and family you are throwing away.

But then I know, and I will keep telling myself, you want to blow up your life and I love you too much to let you do that in the way you want to do that so you choose her and you both claim that this is too big to not explode everything over. I love you. I think I am beginning to know that I don't want you this way - I don't want to explode anything this violently. Pain would happen if you and I were to decide to make a complete life together but we wouldn't do it this way. And I don't know if I can forgive you for doing it this way. I don't know.

[Sheelah]

And really I want to say this: pain is not poetic. Pain sucks. Love is not pain. Or at least it isn't only pain. Love can be painful. Really painful. But it can also be joyful and ecstatic and gentle. Love and pain, joy and sorrow. They coexist, they are a part of the same thing but none of them is the other.

The abuse you suffered at the hands of your father got your wires mixed - you wanted love, you got intense emotions and physical pain and somehow your poor beautiful child's heart got those signals fused. Now you see this intensity and you describe it as a drug and you say that it is so painful and that is being in love. But all drugs have a let down, all drugs make you need more and more to get high. I understand your need but baby, this is not right and it is not worthy of you.

[acon35]

How did you just stop thinking about me or having feelings, even friendly ones? I'm going to constantly see you next year and though I'll try to look happy, it won't be for long. How did you move on so quickly and stop caring? I did something I never thought I would do and you only cared because it was because of you, not because it was me that it happened to. Then you kept refusing to talk to me. I was struggling so much and yes I know we weren't dating, but would it kill you to care a little? To at least tell me how you moved on so quickly? Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that you're finally happy, but why did it have to be at my expense? Why did I have to go through this alone? You couldn't have said just once that you hurt too. Instead you had to shove your happiness in my face. That kills me. I went from drowning in my love for you, to partially hating you, to moving on. But somehow, you still occupy my thoughts. I don't know how to make the thought of you stop, not completely. Not when I know I'm stuck with having you around campus next year.

[misterjister]

Has the excitement of flirting and seeing him behind my back at work whilst I was home cleaning the house, cooking, and looking after your pets still as good as before?