Daughter Having Man Over When Daddy Not Home

[renaissancewoman101]

If the parents are THAT concerned, they should be leaving their daughter at home alone for so many days. I still think one of them shoud come back this weekend to check up on the situation.

[Mythical_Suicide]

She's 17 though, at some point she will be on her own sometimes parents have no other choice.. Now if she was younger i'd be questioning it but at what point is one parent supposed to trust they're "Child" to be alone for so long?

 

I think the only thing that needs to be done is she needs to contact the daughter and ask her whats going on.. For all everyone knows, including the neighbor it could be a close friend coming over at night so she wouldn't be alone? I've done it many times before had male friends come over at night just for company

[Gracelove]

I agree with your last sentence.. I still think goblins are going to jump out of my closet when I'm alone in a big house!

 

I figured out how to quote!!! Anywho, I do get a little paranoid at home sometimes. I can totally relate.

[Cyprian]

Thirdly, I would rather she not use our home as her personal love nest! GET A ROOM.

 

Uhm...wouldn't you want her to be in the safest place possible? (i.e. her own house)?

[sophie274]

OP: I think if you are not comfortable with your daughter having the liberty to do these sorts of things, then you should have left her with someone. I am not a parent, but I would not approve of leaving a 17 year old all by herself for 10 days. I suggest you call up a relative or friend, and either get her to stay at someone's house or have someone come over.

[Mythical_Suicide]

^ Exactly..

 

 

still I wonder, people keep saying shes 17 you shouldn't leave her home alone since she's not old enough when is she obviously old enough to be left alone for 10 days or however many days????? What happens when she turns 18 in per-se 2 months and BLAM all of a sudden decides she's moving out but then all of a sudden it's okay for her to be alone for god only knows how many days? just those few months make that much of a difference? I think not!

[HellFrost666]

HA... When my girlfriend was 17 her parents took off for Florida and didn't even tell her where they were going or how long they would be gone and left her in charge of her three cyblings. She worked at the same place her mom works at and she went to work the next day and her boss was like "Hey how's your Mom liking Florida?" She was like "Florida?" Her parents only told her they were going to a hotel for one night here in town and they were in Florida for a week. (And for the record we live in Ohio.)

 

I just thought I would share that story...

[Mythical_Suicide]

^ Wow, they must win the parent of the year award each year!

[musicguy]

I've read thru all of the posts and some of them are WAY off topic and some posts are just silly.

 

She's 17. I think that she should atleast stay with a friend until her parents or one of her parents gets back.

 

She should be mature enough to take responsible for her actions knowing that she is still under her parents roof. Sure, things happen, but things can be prevented too

[melrich]

OK that's enough people. If you read the OPs previous posts you will realise she is a very caring, progressive and compassionate mother.

 

I have removed all references to rape and remind you that the OP is not asking to be judged on her parenting decisions in this instance.

 

Thank you.

[willow2900]

To OP: you trusted your daughter enough to leave her by her lonesome for a few days. You trusted your own parenting to let her be on her own. It was you and you alone who had belief in the values that you taught your daughter to let her make her own decisions. One of those decisions is who she might entertain with. Why now the sudden distrust? Why now because a neighbour (nosey, or maybe told to look upon her) maybe, sorta saw a guy walk in the house?

 

My mother always told me that you get to a point in highschool where you learn to take responsibility for your own schooling. What I see now is that she was actually telling me that I needed to take responsibility for my own actions and my own life. Sure she was there when I needed her, but a big part of growing up is learning to deal with situations, making mistakes, and learning from them. So she had someone over. Do you have any idea who it could be? Has he been over before? And if not, why wouldn't you want her to be safe in your own house? I'm not saying that she is 100% safe but it has got to be better than her being in some sleazy motel on the highway.

 

Have you had any reason to lose trust in your daughter up to this point?

[fnlyfrei]

Our daughter is 17 and I was messaged by a neighbor yesterday that she had a male visitor last night and tonight.

 

I am on an assignment 2500 miles away for 6 more months. My husband is on a trip 3500 miles away, so she is alone for 10 days. This is only the second time she has been left on her own.

 

First off, I pray she is using condoms. Secondly, I want to get her on birth control. Thirdly, I would rather she not use our home as her personal love nest! GET A ROOM.

 

Any advice from the folks out there?

 

W

 

Maybe you should have the same neighbors who are messaging you invite her over for dinner or to watch a movie in the evenings a few times until your husband gets back. How long have you been gone? You said six months are left...I'll bet she misses you.

[Siriana]

Well the only thing I have to say - less running for the money.

You can't leave 17 year old 10 days alone.

17 year old is not a moron and can take care of self in a way, but they're still at that age where they need parents guidance a lot.

2 days is o.k. 10 days is too much.

 

About sex - she's 17 - get real, chances are she's having sex. If you were at home she could do it in a car. No difference. Ain't your fault.

Pills are great idea.

You can't forbid her to have sex if she already had it. She ain't stupid - she knows it feels good.

Drink a glass of wiskey today, when you come home take her to gyno, talk with her in a respexctive way with calmed down tone of voice and do not leave her alone for such long time in the future.

[Weary]

There were a few times when my parents went away for the weekend. I think at 16 or 17 was the first time I was left alone for 2 weeks. I got up went to school, took care of the dog, went to work etc. My parents allowed friends to sleep over if they wanted. I never had a party, I would have a few friends over (1-3) and we would order pizza and watch movies, ..or play card/board games. Go to the movies or go out for coffee. My parents and I would discuss who would be in the house, and I did at that time have 2 male friends who would sleep over sometimes (purely platonic). However, my parents also knew all of my friends and liked and trusted them. After 18 they went away twice a year for 2 weeks, and the same 'boundaries' were established. They also told the 2 neighbors when they were leaving, gave them a key 'just in case'...and also told me to go to either one of them if I needed to.

 

My suggestions are..

 

When you both get home, sit down and chat about boundaries and expectations when you are away. Say, writing a list of friends allowed at the house for the evening. If you are uncomfortable with boys being there even if it is just platonic, say so.

 

Check in often. Just to see how things are going with her.

 

Maybe invite your neighbor over and involve them in the process. ie a mutal trust between your neighbor and your daughter.

 

Regarding the new information you received, call her and ask her. If you take the neighbors word without even asking your daughter about any of it...you will be creating mistrust on both sides, and that doesn't really solve the problem. Who knows..this 'man' could have been a classmate, a platonic friend, etc. Situations can easily be miscontrued intentionally or not. I think you should just ask her about it.

[spinstermanquee]

Our daughter is a very (astonishingly) mature 17-year-old and has held the same job for over a year, handles a car, cooks like a champ, and manages her money well. She has been accepted to uni and will start in August. We have had many open discussions about sex, STDs, and birth control, and I can only cross my fingers and hope she takes care of herself.

 

Even so... I was not in favor of leaving her alone for longer than a few nights (we previously did one night when she was 16 and one night Q4 2006) but my husband insisted she was ready and kept arguing for it - and I caved. He is foreign and had a very different upbringing than me. I was on my own at 14 years old and know only too well how things can get out of hand when freedoms are not properly and gradually passed off, or parenting is inconsistent, or toxic (I enjoyed the benefits of all three which is why I probably err on the careful side with my parenting). The explicit agreement we had with her was NO guests in the house.

 

This is her second time alone this year - first time was 5 days, no incidents. However there are a few periods coming up when my husband will be gone for weeks at a time, maybe even a month , and I cannot get that work time based in-home (I tried and my boss wouldn't budge). Judging from her behaviour this time out of the gate, I am ready to go home NOW. Not because my daughter had sex, but because this is the beginning of a trend I would like to avert.

 

My husband and I had a chat about it last night but he is sequestered today and cannot call her with me. I am going to call her today, and then I need to talk with her face to face. I had purchased my next plane tickets for the end of the month, but am now thinking the sooner the better.

 

So, for those of you who offered kind advice I thank you very much. My original post was after the shock so it a tad freaked out. Now after a long sleepless night I am thinking much more clearly hehe

[doyathink]

You sound like a very, very good mother. Sorry your post got trashed so bad. Man, I feel for ya. This has to be tough. If the two of you travel like this often, what did you do with her when she was younger? Maybe that would still be an option for you.

[spinstermanquee]

I was the only one who traveled when she was younger. He started traveling a few years ago, then I came off the road and one of us was always home. I **thought** this year we could make it work, with her being older, but I should have just waited until she was off to uni before taking this assignment. I was being selfish... I need to finish my job at home first :sad:

[Siriana]

You were not being selfish. You tried. It's not such a horrible thing.

 

Maybe she had sex, maybe she was just watching movies.

You being out of town has nothing to do with it.

Also you said she is mature so I am shure she knows how to act responsible.

You can still travel, you don't have to stay at home, but make it a day or two, not 10 days.

[doyathink]

I don't think your being selfish at all. You deserve to have your career also.

Is there no one who can watch her while you travel?

She knew better...but shes a teenager and they do stupid things sometimes. I put my mother through hell.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i agree that she deserves to have a career...but sometimes your child needs and wants you at home.. no matter how independent they are.

 

You are raising a child...and while i understand the struggle of wanting to have a career - she also still needs you.

 

Maybe her defiance is her way of saying "hey! over here!! pay attention to me!!".

 

who knows .. i'm speculating ..i just know that i would be devastated if i were without my Mom for months at a time!

[DragonGirl724]

wendy:

 

DO NOT CALL YOURSELF SELFISH. You are providing for your family. I agree w/ Mythical Suicide 100% some of these replies are totally blowing the situation out of hand. I think you are a good mom and taught your daughter well. Your girl sounds a lot like me when I was 17. Way beyond the maturity of many other teenagers...I don't think some can fully understand that and where your daughter's head is at. It IS possible she may be having sex, but she very well may not be..and the only way to find out is to ask.

 

Just call and check in on her twice a day or so. Feel confident in the child you raised.

 

 

-DG724

[DN]

Please keep all posts respectful and within the rules.

 

It is true that people have different ways of doing things in different countries - even in different parts of the same country. That doesn't necessarily mean that any one of those different ways are wrong - or right.

 

The chances are that if most of the people where you live and grow up do things in a certain way then that is what you are prepared for. So if a 17 year old is brought up with more restrictions she will be less prepared to deal with some issues than someone brought up where fewer restrictions at that age are the norm.

 

Some years ago some young relatives of my wife came to stay in Canada with us. They both came from small villages in England and were protected by their parents. My daughters found them quite naive, unsophisticated and unused to the sort of freedoms my daughters were used to living in a big city. When I told them that they themselves would appear much the same had the visitors lived in London rather than rural England they were quite surprised.

 

So - the bottom line: the OP and her husband need to deal with their daughter the best way they know how consistent with the way she was raised and with their best judgment as to her maturity level. If they trust their daughter to behave wisely then they should proceed accordingly. If they think she is not yet ready to understand risks then they should take whatever action they think best.

[sophie274]

I agree. 17 year olds can survive fine by themselves.

 

However it seemed to me like the OP was not comfortable with what had happened (the boy coming over, etc) due to the freedom she gave her daughter. If she does not want her daughter to have the opportunity to do those sorts of things, and is not feeling good about knowing a boy was over, then it makes sense to get someone to stay over with her daughter, or to have a daughter stay with a friend.

 

Of course the daughter will be fine by herself - but I think maybe the OP would like her to be fine on some of her terms, which include no boys staying the night.

[miracle29]

Truth is...a 17 year old, no matter how much she is watched, if she is "indeed" being intimate with a man, would find a way to be with him even if you did not leave her alone for 10 days. I though don't understand how you can say "get a room" like "oh well" instead of "how can i speak to her about sex," or "how can I let her know its not ok to have sex at only 17 years old". I felt a lack of maturity here. Who's the mother? The child or you. She doesn't get a room. As long as she's under your roof, she gets it right..or she gets shipped out. I'm sorry but 17 she should not have men over. And you should be concerned about what she knows already at this age and try not to blow it off as "oh well".

 

When you can...sit her butt down and lay down the law..but try to not make her feel like sex is bad...simply let her know sneaking around and lying about things are not ok. Sex needs to be discussed in your home..so she knows that you are not mad at her, just want her to make better choices. And be safe.

 

Good luck.

[patch2006uk]

Who said these guys had sex?

 

I'm a 17 year old girl, Ive been left home alone, Ive had friends over, and i lived to tell the tale. No pregnancies, no traumas. Her parents obviously trust her enough not to destroy the house, or to put herself in any danger, and they knw her better than any of us do, so i say we trust their decision.

 

However, if the OP didn't want her daughter having sex in her house, then that is completely fair enough, but lay down the law before it is an issue, so the boundaries have been set. No point complaining about it if you haven't said beforehand that you're not ok with it. Especially as the law probably says she can have sex if she wants.