Daughter Having Man Over When Daddy Not Home

[spinstermanquee]

To whoever said "pick up the phone, already, what's holdin' ya up" - remember folks we are in internet time, dealing with a family in 3 different time zones with 3 different work schedules! Also I do not like to deal with a family problem while upset (as I was during my not-very-well-worded OP).

 

Here is what happened: she had a male guest over and he stayed very, very late and then she drove him home. repeat next night. (Also someone asked if she had a boyfriend and the answer is no.)

 

So, we started talking about who her guest was and she was focused on the whole "so now you and Daddy think I'm a "sl-t" thing. So I reassured her, that the issue up for discussion was not whether or not she was intimate with this person, but the fact that she broke a house rule. We have only 2 house rules: no drinking and driving and no guests when we are not home (all the other rules melted away as she got older and earned her freedoms to the point we hardly have any rules anymore).

 

She said she acted stupidly and did not think about the consequences of her actions, and apologized for breaking the rule.

 

Then I told her that I recognize she is a young woman in bloom and that the time was either now or very close for her to realize her sexuality and that I supported her in that, but requested that for the time being, that part of her life be kept separate from our home. (Now I know I'm going to take a hit from all the folks who think she's better off doing it in her bedroom than "in some seedy motel" but too bad, I just cannot condone my daughter having sex in our home. I find it disrespectful and beyond my comfort level.)

 

I then requested that she make an appointment with her doctor and "suit up" with the appropriate things that we have discussed many, many times before.

 

The bottom line is, my job at home is not completely done and it's time for me to go home and stay until she is off to college. I have a meeting with my boss next week and I'm going to make one more try to work from home for the summer, and if I am declined again I will start packing...

[Siriana]

[quote=wendymg;1571521

 

Then I told her that I recognize she is a young woman in bloom and that the time was either now or very close for her to realize her sexuality and that I supported her in that, but requested that for the time being, that part of her life be kept separate from our home. (Now I know I'm going to take a hit from all the folks who think she's better off doing it in her bedroom than "in some seedy motel" but too bad, I just cannot condone my daughter having sex in our home. I find it disrespectful and beyond my comfort level.)

 

 

I was brought up that way and nothing wrong with me.

This is a normal request you made.

[sophie274]

I think your conversation with her was very well handled, and that you are doing the right thing by talking with your boss! Do you think the guy is her boyfriend (she just hasn't told you about it) - I know some people are very secretive about that sort of thing?

[spinstermanquee]

No it's not a boyfriend. It's someone from out of town that she just met. Thanks for asking and for all the advice and input I really love this message board. I feel like I have all these other parents/teens/friends out there as my sounding board!

 

W

[hosswhispra]

(Now I know I'm going to take a hit from all the folks who think she's better off doing it in her bedroom than "in some seedy motel" but too bad, I just cannot condone my daughter having sex in our home. I find it disrespectful and beyond my comfort level.)

 

I then requested that she make an appointment with her doctor and "suit up" with the appropriate things that we have discussed many, many times before.

 

I 100% agree with you. You have your house rules and while she lives with you she should abide by them.

[eliza]

Erm, remember that when the both of you are home she CANNOT have a proper relationship can she? So for once in her life she gets peace to spend some time without her mother checking up on her... honestly. I'm 18, I have a boyfriend, the ONLY time we ever get to have sex is when mine or his parents and siblings are out for a while, or downstairs having tea and cakes. You have to let her have a life. ](*,)

 

Is there no way you can call her? And tell her that you know she's having guys over, and then tell her about protection?

 

Convincing her to go on hormonal contraception is for the best... she might refuse and say she doesn't want to have the side effects, but try and make her. I was made to, and now I understand how much easier and safer it is. (You should try the contraceptive patch... it's amazing, and more reliable that just the pill because it's not affected by diet and anti-biotics.)

 

Please don't worry... I'm sure at seventeen she knows what sex is and what it's FOR : P

[hosswhispra]

Erm, remember that when the both of you are home she CANNOT have a proper relationship can she? So for once in her life she gets peace to spend some time without her mother checking up on her... honestly. I'm 18, I have a boyfriend, the ONLY time we ever get to have sex is when mine or his parents and siblings are out for a while, or downstairs having tea and cakes. You have to let her have a life. ](*,)

 

I don't think mom is against her daughter having a relationship. All mom is saying is that if her daughter is going to engage in sexual activity, mom doesn't want her to do so under her roof. I don't believe that mom is being unreasonable here. If daughter doesn't like it, then she can move out--yes, I know she is 17 but I know a lot of 17 and unders who moved out when they were unhappy. If she's mature enough to have an adult relationship then she should be mature enough to respect her mother's wishes--i.e., not engage in sexual activity at mom's house.

[stranger1]

Hallo people!

 

What is going on?

 

Is that male a BF? is he in the same age range? if she likes him, I think her home is the safest place for them to nest.. to have a room is the unsafe.

 

.. and who can prove that they made sex? maybe it was just setting and watching TV

[isisastaria]

I have to make a comment here. I can completely relate to your daughter. My parents completely ignored and abandoned me as well for long periods of time for money and their OWN needs. I too began having sex very young to get attention from guys that I wasn't getting from my family.

 

Maybe instead of wondering what to do with the "troubed teen"...and how she so clearly is inconveniencing your lifestyle...

 

Maybe you should spend some more time with her, and TALK to her about it.

 

What do you think?

[DragonGirl724]

how did things end up did u ever talk to your daughter??!!??

[spinstermanquee]

DragonGirl,

 

Thanks for asking...

 

Yes I did have many long talks with her after the original post, and we have been talking since then every day for at least 1/2 hour. I flew in a girlfriend the next day to stay with her for the rest of the time and my husband arrived home last night. She has a doctor's appointment for birth control next week and will get more information to find the best method to suit her lifestyle and prevent STDs pregnancy lalala. I felt it best to insist even though she was reluctant.

 

She is still seeing the young man almost every day, though not in our home. He is leaving soon to go back to his native country with his father. He offered her drugs (which were given to him by his father to enjoy with my daughter ) and according to her she said "no," which is good enough for me for the moment. If he were a permanent fixture I would get more involved.

 

Last Thursday I talked to my boss (again) about needing to be home for the summer and they asked to have the weekend to think about it. I agreed but today there was no response and they left early today without speaking with me so it's one more day to think about the best course. I am going home no matter what and tomorrow if there isn't a response I will force the issue by resigning. I hate to quit but...

 

There were some ugly posts about my parenting here but anyway, everyone makes mistakes and mine were not so terrible as to be irreversible. She ASKED me to come home and that is the most important thing - not many kids her age would have the moxy to admit they need their mother. My husband realizes he cannot do it without me, either, and is also asking.

 

So THAT is the upshot of the whole thing. Parenting job (although not done so shabby), is not done, must go back and finish, life goes on, no love lost. My family is stronger than ever.

 

For those who felt my daughter was neglected, ignored, abandoned, or an inconvenience, you were projecting. I feel for you. Sometimes we give our children the benefit of the doubt and then something unexpected happens.

 

All the best to everyone, and as usual, eNotAlone rocks!!!!!!!!!!

[DragonGirl724]

Wendy, I agree so many people jumped down your throat I think you are doing what needs to be done..just be careful with birth control..it can be scary for a young girl...I started BCP when I was 19 due to my 'crimson wave' being extremely painful..but just be aware of the side effects. I also wouldnt recommend the Orthro Evra patch (tho Ive been on it for almost 4 years w/o problems) but many lawsuits are coming up b/c it contains 60% more estrogen than normal pills...making some females more prone to cancer. Also if your daughter smokes BCP may not be the best option..on the warning labels they talk more about it. Im sorry you had such a scare and that guy's dad should get punched in the throat for encouraging his son to be such a jerk! Im glad he wont be a worry any longer. Have a good summer with your girl and dont take any insults on here seriously. Have a good one!

 

 

ps: maybe instead of resigning you can transfer departments within your job...?

 

 

-DG724

[spinstermanquee]

Thanks again, DragonGirl! My company is pretty small and probably will refuse my request. So be it, life goes on. What happens with this issue is more important than whether I make VP.

 

As for birth control I have encouraged/hinted to her to select the one that is the most natural and least invasive - but in the end, she is the decider. I tried a number of methods before I found the one that worked best for me, and then after that Dad took the responsibility (bless him).

 

Hugs and kisses.

 

W

[sophie274]

Sounds like everything turned out well. I think it's great that she was able to ask you to come home. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with your parenting style, but I do think it was clear that you being away was out of both your and her comfort zones (given what happened), so it's great that you have fixed that.

 

Good luck with her going to college - my mother and I are very close and it has been hard for her!

[spinstermanquee]

Yes, I am going to miss her terribly when she goes off to uni but she will not be alone...

[TheFoglifter]

I think that you are at the point where emphasizing her safety is important. Making sure she uses protection, and makes smart choices, and takes care of herself is key. In the situation you described, even if you sent her to a friends house, she could still sneak home for an hour or two at some point for a quick rendezvous.

 

In fact, I dare say, that would make it MORE exciting. "Baby come on over, we only have a few hours before I have to get back to my cruel governess's place".

 

I notice you said "man", which to me warrants a certain age. I'd be more worried about that than anything else.

 

I would be careful about telling your daughter that the neighbor spied, because that will just make her feel like you couldn't trust her. Until you know exactly what happened, jumping to conclusions could be catastrophic. Hell, what if it turns out she broke the water heater, and that was her friend's Dad coming to fix it?

[miracle29]

Sorry if my previous post was a little harsh. I know you're just trying to do whatever you can to help. I think I may have read too much into your first post.

 

I think talking to her, really is your only option. I'd also like to agree with the poster earlier who said "just because she's with him, does not mean they are being intimate. I had a male friend who turned out to like dresses way more than me! Everyone swore up and down that he and I were an Item. Little did they know, I was the only one who could talk to about his liking the same sex. He is still my best friend to this day. Just a heads up. ;-)

[Princess_Lisa]

I agree that it could be innocent. When i was 17 i had a lot of really good male friends. One of them used to come and stay over when my parents were on holiday simply because he never got to stay over when they were here because my parents thought we were together when we weren't. He was just my best friend, when he did come over nothing ever happened we'd go for a take away and sit and watch movies all night pretty much. He was a very close friend and because we'd sit and cuddle people would think we were together when we weren't we were and still are extremely close. When i was younger 16/17 when i first met him my parents were very concerned because he was 19 and thought he was only friends with me for one thing but he wasn't not all guys are like that! We did try dating a few years later but that was when i was 18/19 and even though that didn't work he's still a really good friend, even so from experience i'd say not everything is what it seems!