Touchy subject...

[Metallica Lightning]

So, my girlfriend and I broke up last night, and boy did it end horrible...Anyway, I'll start from the beginning.

Ashton and I had an excellent relationship in the beginning. She was everything I wanted at first. Low maintenance. Encouraging. And accepting. My kids both liked her alot, infact, my daughter often called her mom as a bit of a joke thing, even though engagement wasn't in the picture. Well, the last 3 months, Ashton seemed to be really upset. I tried talking to her about it, and she shrugged off each attempt coldly. So, I just gave up. I'm not a pursuer when it comes to relationships, if a woman plays hard to get, or shows little interest, I will immediately back off. In this case, I did the same thing. So about a month later, our relationship really died down. We called eachother maybe 4 times a week, and our conversations never lasted long. I figured she needed space, so I gave it to her, and finally last night I had her over for dinner with my ex-wife, her husband, and my children. Well, before dinner, she blasts off on me about how I've been unsupportive of her, how I forgot to get her anything on Valentine's Day (Which is a big joke), and how I've been so unemotional. I told her that she wouldn't talk to me, so I thought she needed space. Told her that she didn't need my support, and I told her that I didn't even recognize Valentine's Day as a holiday.

So, then she slapped me in the face. And I smacked her back. I'm not one to leave a threat unanswered. Male or female, if anyone strikes me with the intent of hurting me, I will attack them. So, then she started crying, and started cursing at me. I picked up the phone and threatened to call the police, and she ran out of my house crying. I broke up with her in an e-mail this morning.

Now, I'm having trouble with the authorities, who came over to my home to question me tonight. I told them exactly what happened, and the officers, who seemed apalled by my vocations and beliefs said that they would return soon.

 

I don't believe I did anything wrong. She struck me first, and I struck back. That is self-denense isn't it? Why are the authorities angry with me?

 

Thanks,

Kane.

[Maverick32x]

Well... it looks to me like domestic abuse.... regardless of who was involved.... her hitting you, or you hitting her are both forms of physical abuse, and now that the police are involved, be ready for some sort of results...

 

I don't agree with the "she hit me, so i have a right to hit her"... I know people on this site will jump on the fact that men should never hit women... but I guess I'm an advocate of no one should hit anyone.... however, i understand heat of the moment, things can get a bit crazy...

 

Well, regardless of self-defense, the fact is you struck each other... I guess just stay honest and whatever happens.. happens

 

on a personal note... dont hit women anymore, or else you should expect many more authority problems~

[heloladies21]

Well, I can't knock you for responding that way because if anyone is going to take things to a physical level with me, obviously I'm not just gonna sit there and take it. If she wasn't prepared to get hit back, then she shouldn't have put herself in that position.

 

But more importantly is to understand how things got to the point that they did.

I'm not a pursuer when it comes to relationships, if a woman plays hard to get, or shows little interest, I will immediately back off.

This was the incorrect response and it's surprising how many men take this path to dealing with situations like this. If you handle a situation like this is this way, apathetic, you tell her one thing with your actions--"I don't care about you." This is the way they think and there's no changing it, you can only learn a better way to deal with it and prevent a similar situation from turning out the way it did.

 

I never waste any time understanding a girl when some kind of conflict arises. If she's giving me some attitude, I immediately call her out on it, and if some kind of compromise or understanding can't be reached, it's over! There's no sweeping it under the rug or hoping it will go away, because the only thing that ever ends up happening is it festers and things get gradually worse till it explodes in the way it did. This way, she'll know that you care enough about her and the relationship to get upset and argue. This is the way you gotta handle situations like these otherwise relationships will keep falling apart.

 

and how I've been so unemotional.

She's telling you right here that this is a problem. I'm the same as you, not liking to show my emotions all the time. That's just my way, but girls interpret this as you not caring about them. Think about it, if you never show a girl that you care about em, how are they suppose to know? By saying it? Lots of this time this isn't even good enough as it's too easy to lie. So they're going to go by how you act, and if you don't act right, you lose by default.

 

I know you're upset, but do your best to learn from this situation so you don't get put in this position again. And if you really learn how this is done, relationships will go the way you want them to.

[HellFrost666]

When you smacked her back was it just kind of an insticnt thing? Did you do it without really thinking?

 

I think what she did was wrong without question. There is no excuse for that. Her hitting you was wrong, but she was also being childish throwing a fit about V-Day. (I don't celebrate it either, btw, and my girlfriend agrees with me that it's stupid.)

 

But, and here is where we get to what you won't want to hear. I think you were wrong for hitting her back. If for no other reason because you lowered yourself to her level. My ex girlfriend used to pull my hair all the time, but never once did I pull her's back, because I knew I was better then that.

[Metallica Lightning]

As far as the, "Men should never hit women thing," goes, I totally disagree. I do not treat males better than females, or vice versa. If your girlfriend attacked you, would you not defend yourself? Or would you just take it for the sake of "being a man?" I for one do not tolerate anyone hitting me. I don't give a damn about society's malformed opinion about genders, she deserved it.

 

heloladies21- Thank you for your response, but however, I have one obligation. Every single time I tried to talk to her, she pushed me away, sometimes literally, and then she complains about me not supporting her emotionally, yet when I try to talk to her, I am thrown away like a popsicle stick. What did she expect me to do? I didn't want to leave her out in the cold, but I didn't want to bug her either.

[HellFrost666]

My ex girlfriend did attack me, and yes I took it because I am not a violent person, for one, and I just can't hit a woman. I did talk to her pretty nasty afterwords though. And shortly after I dumped her.

 

My current girlfriend is easily the most kind person I have ever known. Yet her ex husband left open bite marks on her face, pulled her hair out of her head, slambed her face into walls... So you think this is ok? Is that what you are saying then? And whenever they got into it she always defended herself. So does that mean she deserved an even harder beating for fighting back?

 

Why not be the bigger person in the situation and not respond with violence?

 

I do agree that your girl behaved badly. I do not agree with your take on hitting a woman. But that's just me. Carry on.

[EvaGina]

As far as the, "Men should never hit women thing," goes, I totally disagree. I do not treat males better than females, or vice versa. If your girlfriend attacked you, would you not defend yourself? Or would you just take it for the sake of "being a man?" I for one do not tolerate anyone hitting me. I don't give a damn about society's malformed opinion about genders, she deserved it.

 

heloladies21- Thank you for your response, but however, I have one obligation. Every single time I tried to talk to her, she pushed me away, sometimes literally, and then she complains about me not supporting her emotionally, yet when I try to talk to her, I am thrown away like a popsicle stick. What did she expect me to do? I didn't want to leave her out in the cold, but I didn't want to bug her either.

 

AGREED

although I dont condone violence, if I slap a guy, Im not going to be peeved if he slaps me back (as long as he takes the stregth difference into account when he does it) my ex and I had HUGE fist fights...

 

shes an idiot, dont worry about it, she wanted you to grovel after her like a dog.

[Tpysl]

You were perfectly within your rights to smack her right back. She's a for slapping you in the first place, and deserves much worse than a simple slap back, especially for a throwing a fit like that beforehand. The girl sounds like bad news.

[blender]

When she would no longer to speak to regarding her feelings.. then you had the option of letting her know in a loving way, that this type of "approach to a relationship" does not work for you, and if she continued to not want to talk about things, then maybe it would be best to end the relationship..before "resentments" set in...yours and hers.

 

Instead you made a choice to be a bit "passive aggressive" by not letting her go, but instead you made a choice to "just being around without a clear intentional loving honest, mature communication about what was bothering you"... So you stayed with her, but yet backed off..so how was she to know "you were giving her space, and not giving her the impression of just being non-attentive?" How was she to know why you were "pulling back' a bit, if you didn't explain this to her?

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. And as far as self defense goes, what were you defending yourself against? She was wrong to slap you, but she was obvioiusly very hurt by your "pulling back emotionally'... and no it was not easy for you when she "wouldn't talk about things".. but you then made a choice to not talk to her about "giving her some space" once you started to do so...

 

Is she just "emotionally vulnerable and ustable" and she lost control and slapped you?

 

That's so sad that she made that choice, and also sad that you didn't just walk away... I'm sorry this happened, but again it takes far more strength to "walk away" then it does to slap a woman back...but hopefully you would choose to do this differently if you had the chance.. do you feel any remorse in your choice to strike back? Maybe it's time to move on from this unstable, unhappy, relationship and to get some therapy for yourself, and say a prayer for her.. and let go with love.

[doyathink]

Yep, do her a favor and never go back to her. She deserves better.

It's never right for anyone to hit....and at the same time, you sound proud that you hit her back! Like it makes you some sort of bigger man that you didn't let that witch get by with hitting you....

 

I'm glad that I raised my son to be a real man. If a woman ever hits him, he turns and walks away. That...shows integrity and strength!

[southerngirl]

You did not have to hit her back. You could have remained calm and asked her to leave. A 'big tough man' can take it and walk away. It doesnt make it right. It doesnt mean you should stay with a woman that would hit you. But, you do not have to hit back. That is the weaker response and to me it makes the man out to be a big bully. Like, 'Ill show her who is the tough guy'...

 

About valentine's day. You may think its stupid but alot of people celebrate it. Did you discuss this with her before hand? She may have anticipated and looked forward to getting a nice surprise to show her that you cared on this day. Then you did not give her anything. Not a card. Not flowers. Not funny little candies in a heart shaped box. Nothing like that. Instead you chose to 'pull away' and 'give her space'....

[SarahRose]

Agree with all of this.

 

Sounds like a manipulative tool to me.

[Parsley]

The whole 'society's malformed opinions' thing is based on the FACT that men are stronger than women. I am not saying that it is alright for a woman to hit a man, just that if a man decided he wanted to really hit her he would do a lot more damage than she could (I know there are exceptions).

 

It doesn't seem to be self-defence to me. I would see it as self defence if you had grabbed her arms to stop her hitting you again. How is it defending yourself to slap her back? It's not going to knock her out cold is it? It's just going to shock her and more than likely rile her up even further. AS someone else has said, it would have shown a lot more strength of character to just walk away. Just because someone hits you doesn't make it ok for you to hit them - that's probably one of the first things we are taught as children- two wrongs don't make a right.

 

The thing with Valentine's Day is that, yes, it is stupid, and I know a lot of people here agree with this. But you can't just assume that people will feel that way. If I'm perfectly honest, although I think it's ridiculous, if someone gave me something I'd still be dead chuffed. Did she have any idea that you felt that way about it?

 

I don't think either of you handled the situation well. She acted childishly and I agree with southerngirl - your response to her makes you appear like a bully who just didn't want to be outdone.

[arwen]

I wonder too about the definition of self-defense here. Were you actually in danger? Because even if I'd be hit by someone (male or female), I'd only hit back if that was necessary to save my life. I am by no means condoning to HER hitting you. But I wonder why you felt justified in hitting her?

 

I had an ex who got me so frustrated that I gave him a slap in the face. I will never forget that and I still regret it. But he first hit me back in the face, then kicked me in the belly so I fell with my head against the wall in return, making me almost trip down the stairs. I had a bruised arm and ancle from that fall, he had a red mark for a couple of minutes on his face. This is why I will never EVER will do it again, I put my life at risk by giving the first slap, but I feel he had no right to hit and kick me back THAT hard.

 

Two wrongs don't make one right, you see.

 

Arwen.

[GQstatus]

You seem like a smart man, so why ask such a stupid question? No offense. But you should know better, that in a domestic violence call, BOTH parties will be questioned extensively. No matter who the guilty party is.

 

I've been slapped twice, by ex gf's. The first time I most definitely didn't deserve it. I still don't know WHY she did it, she was frustrated, confused, and mad at me. She slapped me, I looked at her with a boggled look. 5 minutes later she was in tears apologizing.

 

The second time, I most definitely DID deserve it, after the things I said to her. She slapped me as hard as any man could hit (my ear rung for a day). That time I wanted so badly to smack her back, but I didn't. Instead of acting instinctively I thought about it for a second. This is coming from a girl who grew up in violence/abuse, me hitting her would do nothing but prove to her I'm like everyone else. I was brought up to respect women REGARDLESS. And thought to myself if my mom ever found out I hit a woman, she'd be crushed.

 

I think her slapping you was wrong. But you giving into the bs and hitting her back was wrong too. If a man hits you, by all means stick up for yourself. But 9 times out of 10, any woman you're with is a lot weaker than you. Suck it up.

 

Reminds me of little girls on the playground in grade school. They'd smack you then run away, we wouldn't chase them down and hit them back. Because we knew better.

[Metallica Lightning]

Yep, do her a favor and never go back to her. She deserves better.

It's never right for anyone to hit....and at the same time, you sound proud that you hit her back! Like it makes you some sort of bigger man that you didn't let that witch get by with hitting you....

 

I'm glad that I raised my son to be a real man. If a woman ever hits him, he turns and walks away. That...shows integrity and strength!

 

What are you talking about? Nothing I did here has anything to do with my masculinity. You expect me to let her hit me just because she's a woman? You're entirely wrong here. I do not let ANYONE, male or female strike me without consequence. If she wants to act like a man, I'll treat her like a man.

 

As far as showing integrity and strength, I think we make those standards for ourselves don't we? Real men have a pair of testicles and a penis.

[GQstatus]

I don't know what kind of men you hang out with, but the guys I hang out with don't SLAP. So the whole "If she wants to act like a man, I'll treat her like one" doesn't make too much sense, considering she slapped you.

 

And unless you're dating a sasquatch, I think you hitting back and then using the term "self defense" shows a lot about your character. You obviously have some deeper issues that need to be looked at.

 

Good luck to you.

[southerngirl]

What are you talking about? Nothing I did here has anything to do with my masculinity. You expect me to let her hit me just because she's a woman? You're entirely wrong here. I do not let ANYONE, male or female strike me without consequence. If she wants to act like a man, I'll treat her like a man.

 

As far as showing integrity and strength, I think we make those standards for ourselves don't we? Real men have a pair of testicles and a penis.

 

No, you should not let anyone hit you without consequences... but you could have and should have simply asked her to leave. For you to hit her makes you worse.

 

Yes, real men do have a pair of testicles and they should be 'big enough' to keep them from hitting a woman!

[justpaisley]

I think the authorities should come down on both of you, quite frankly. She hit you first, so she deserves equal punishment.

 

It sounds like she was exhibiting attention-seeking behavior - she essentially smacked you because she's a drama queen. You should absolutely not have smacked her back. If you had been in your right mind, you would have told her to leave and never come back - instead, you reacted out of anger and a desire to seek revenge. You brought yourself down to her level and acted childishly. What if she had started screaming profanities in your face - would you have reacted in kind?

 

Both of you deserve punishment, and you need to think about what an attack really is. One smack from a drama queen who is physically weaker than you doesn't count. Had she truly been attacking you - hitting you repeatedly - you could have held her down until she got over her hissy fit. THAT is self defense. Meeting violence with violence is not. Learn how to walk away.

 

I would be saying the same thing if a man had smacked you in the face, by the way. I would say the same thing if a man were hitting you repeatedly. Using the least amount of force to stop an onslaught is what I consider self-defense. Reacting in kind is simply violence for violence's sake.

[Ash]

What are you talking about? Nothing I did here has anything to do with my masculinity. You expect me to let her hit me just because she's a woman? You're entirely wrong here. I do not let ANYONE, male or female strike me without consequence. If she wants to act like a man, I'll treat her like a man.

 

As far as showing integrity and strength, I think we make those standards for ourselves don't we? Real men have a pair of testicles and a penis.

 

So, let me get this straight. If you're on your own in a bar, and a 280 lb biker with six of his buddies nudges you with his shoulder on the way by, you're actually going to do the same thing back?

 

Another scenario, a young child gets upset and out of sheer frustration lashes out at the closest thing around which happens to be you. You're going to hit the child back?

 

I thing the whole "consequences" thing is in general correct, but "an eye for an eye" is going to land you in far more hot water than treating things in an intelligent and reasonable fashion.

 

Ubdoubtedly, don't let her get away with giving you a slap, but in reacting how you did you've now got yourself into a whole lot more trouble.

 

One of the other posters said that in this type of a situation when the authorities are called, you're BOTH going to get questioned and warned, and that's the truth of it. While they're responding to the little hissy scene between your and your ex girlfriends, somebody somewhere else could be lying at the side of the road as a victim of a serious crime and having to wait because the police are busy. They're gonig to make it far from being worth your time to call and report such a thing again as long as they ascertain it's minor. And if they figure there's a major issue the consequences could be far more reaching.

 

We keep trying to teach our kids that if an altrication happens at school to turn and walk away, and let it be handled in a reasonable and proper way. Your blind insistence that you're going to hit back when hit yourself totally flies in the face of being able to teach children how to deal with things.

 

I wasn't so upset by your initial reaction to this all as I can understand that it may have become emotional and you may have acted without thinking. However, you now seem to have no idea of the fact you've done anything wrong and essentially keep repeating that you think the slap back was deserved and you imply you'd do it again. That nullifies the self defense aspect of it all.

 

Now, before you get all high and mighty about how you're a "real man" with "real man" equipment, let me tell you there are countless numbers of "real men" out there with all that you have plus compassion, judgement and the desire to treat things far more intelligently than you seem capable of doing. The fact that you even pushed somebody who was supossedly at one time near and dear to your heart far enough to have her slap you is a commentary on how you can be.

 

I honestly think you need to take a big step back from all of this and evaluate who you are and see if you're truly happy, think about how easily you were steered onto a violent path, and contemplate how unaccepting you seem to be of any suggestion that this may somehow be partly your blame.

[TheFoglifter]

Remember that when dealing with women, you cannot apply reason and logic.

 

In the eyes of a reasonable person, she TOTALLY deserved to get smacked back -- with equal force. Unfortunately, in the eyes of our women-friendly laws, you are going to have problems for that. The only saving grace would be if the cops each had exes that treated them the same way -- they might at least be sympathetic.

 

I believe there is a difference between playing hard to get, and totally playing hot and cold. Hard to get is like "bending the rules", hot and cold is smashing them apart. I'd be willing to make some kind of allowance because I know women love the game, but if she is going to take it too far, then she is making a statement very loud and clear.

 

The women will say "he doesn't care about me enough to chase me, boo hoo hoo guess he wasn't worth it". It is JUST AS VALID for men to say "she is just trying to establish control over me, and I don't want to have to bend over backwards for every whim she has"

 

I go back and forth on this. I know it is better not to hit women back, even if they lower themselves to that level first. At the same time though, women get away with SO MUCH. They are such goddamned hypocrites -- they want equal treatment... except they want to make more money, they want chivalry, they want everything paid for, they don't want to work, and they want protected status.

 

I can think of several times in my life where that "turn the other cheek" crap only made things worse -- I was bullied for so long when I was young, and then one day, pushed me too far, and rewrote newtons third law (for every force, there must be a superior opposite force). Not surprisingly, that individual never bothered me again.

 

I think if I was hit by my gf, I would put my fist through the wall -- it would make the point without landing me in jail. These chicks need to learn their place -- if they want equal treatment, they can't cry for protection.

[Ash]

I go back and forth on this. I know it is better not to hit women back, even if they lower themselves to that level first. At the same time though, women get away with SO MUCH. They are such goddamned hypocrites -- they want equal treatment... except they want to make more money, they want chivalry, they want everything paid for, they don't want to work, and they want protected status.

 

Please watch the generalizations. You're in danger of turning this thread into a woman bashing one with such commments.

 

This does NOT match the women that I know in the least.

[ghost69]

should've knocked her out completely. jk. that's not even funny actually. anyways, i would never hit a girl back. if she sat there and started punching me in the face or something, different story. but a smack, i can take that. i have never really been smacked by a woman though. i can usually tell if a woman is crazy or not before we really start dating. sounds like she has some other emotional problems when she started talking about all of the other stuff. the cops/courts might be looking at you for some punishment though. both you and her actually. don't you have witnesses?

 

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[Maverick32x]

TheFogLifter Hi, thats some of the most offensive stuff I've read on this site. You can't apply logic and reason when talking to women? Thats the most narrow minded view I have ever heard. I don't know what cave you grew up in, but I hate to break the news to you, but more and more women are going to college, getting degrees, and entering the work force...

And from personal experience, they are just as logical and reasonable as men are.....

 

The 1800's called... they want their stereotype back

[TheRedQueen]

She slapped you, that's her bad, but it was in no way an invitation for you to smack her back.

 

I too am appalled by your reaction.