Where is he when I need him?

[never-too-late]

I am not interested in dating anybody else. I guess I am a little traditional in this way..Anyway, I am not interested in anyone else! He is the only one in my heart and on my mind.. we never mentioned anything about dating. We basically said to each other that maybe spending time away from each other with no contact might help us to feel better.

 

I am not ready at all to go out with another guy.

[lady00]

I am not interested in dating anybody else. I guess I am a little traditional in this way..Anyway, I am not interested in anyone else! He is the only one in my heart and on my mind.. we never mentioned anything about dating. We basically said to each other that maybe spending time away from each other with no contact might help us to feel better.

 

I am not ready at all to go out with another guy.

 

I definitely understand your perspective. How about getting to know other people in a more general sense and making new friends or taking up some new fun activities? I'm just wondering if this might help the time go by faster and maybe take your mind off the relationship a bit until it's time for you and your bf to get together and talk about it.

[never-too-late]

Please help!!!!! PLEASE

 

 

I am not sure if I have made a mistake but I contacted my boyfriend after a month. We agreed to spend some time away, to have a break where he can focus on himself for 2 or 3 months but yesterday i sent him a message. I asked him how he was and how things were going.. I was so nervous, afraid he may not reply. He did but his reply was so short and brief. He said "I am good thanks, working a lot though. how about you?". I was quite sad with his reply, maybe i expected something different.. well, after talking to my dad, who advised me not to put any emotions into the message, I replied and said "I am fine thanks, have a good weekend and good luck with your work". So this is what we have exchanged.

 

I am so sad though. I am hurting, worrying I may have made a mistake contacting him instead of sticking to our agreement.. I am hurting worrying that his short, brief reply means that he is not interested in me anymore and he is not coming back.

 

Please tell me what do you think??

[Insidious1]

WOw....

 

Its like the opposite situation. My EX contacted me... said "How was your B day?"

 

My repsonse was even briefer.... i said "Birthday went well, thanks". LOL... I guess she MIGHT have felt the same way you did by my response! (i am not making light into your situation, its just interesting to see how a woman responds when us men do certain things..) And NO... lol... she didnt respond to my text response!

 

Anyways... i think what you did was fine! Maybe you should have stuck with N.C.... but you can't change that now! I think what you said is jsut fine. It shows your respectfull of his "space" and that you all will re-evaluate the situation at a later point in time.

 

Secondly... his "brief" response wasn;t really that brief. Think about this as the flip side...

 

I am a guy... i LOVE MY EX with all my heart (still... grrrr) and look at the text i send her when SHE contacted me! That doesnt mean that i dont care... i just don't know what to say.... i WANT to say A LOT! LOL But i didn't know what to say! There is a good chance that he is just playing his cards close to his chest. Try your best to not over analyze every little text/phone call... (i am having the same issue....)

 

I suggest sticking to N.C. now. Let him have his space. DO NOT worry to much about what is already done. I KNOW it will all work out (one way or the other....)

 

And in two months... you will be in a MUCH different state of mind.

 

Good luck to you... and i hope this IN SOME way helped!

[never-too-late]

Thanks for your reply.The thing is you are not the one who left and that's why you are brief and short in your reply?? But in our case, he was the one who wanted to leave? not me.

[Insidious1]

But thats ok....

 

HE WANTED to leave... let him mull over that. If it was in the LEAST bit as special to him as it was for you... HE WILL be thinking of you.

 

I still think.. reguardless of who wanted to leave..... that his response is normal. As men.... we tend to NOT show how we feel. ESPECIALLY in situations like these. That doesn't mean he desperately wants to get back together or anything.... But it does mean that even if he DOES want to be with or has given it some though... he PROBABLY wont share that with you... ATLEAST not yet.

 

It is still relatively early since you both came to that agreement.

 

Try to keep your chin up babe... you seem really sweet... and you obviously care immensely about him. All we can do is move on and hope that maybe one day down the road... they will come back... the HARD part is realizing that it is a DEFINATE possibility that they won't.....

[never-too-late]

I don't know if I should but do you think writing him a letter would be a bad idea?

[lady00]

I don't know if I should but do you think writing him a letter would be a bad idea?

 

Before you do that, perhaps it would be helpful for you to write out what you want to accomplish with the letter and what you think the actual response will be. If they are the same, then send the letter. If they are not, if the actual response you think you will get will disappoint you and you will not be ready to move on after that, then don't send it.

 

I really think that you should stick to the plan of giving each other some space. A relationship should be fun and exciting. It should be about companionship, not stress. Do you think he is as upset about this as you are? I doubt it. But maybe that is the problem or maybe the problem is that you agreed on something that you knew you wouldn't be able to stick to. Either way, I think you need to make a decision: (1) give him space and let him come to you and propose getting back together, or (2) break things off.

[never-too-late]

thanks for the advice. I have not writte any letter to him. I was going to send him a message this morning to say that I am aware we have agreed we will take a break for a couple of months but I just wanted to let him know I miss him and I think of him. However, I then thought to myself the reaons why I would want to do that. I think it would be mainly because I would want him to reassure me, I would want him to tell me possibly the same.. so I decided to delete it before sending it.

 

I think I will give it one more month...

 

I just want to ask for an opinion:

 

When I sent him that text message this past weekend, what do you think went through his mind? Do you think he thought I did not respect our agreement? Do you think it was a bad decision to do it?

 

Thank you very much!

[never-too-late]

I have been thinking of him all day today...

[never-too-late]

Hello,

 

so since we exchanged our very brief messages on Friday, I have not heard from him. I really would like to call him and tell him how much I am missing him. I would like to ask him if we can set up a date when we can meet and talk?! Do you think it would be a mistake? I want to see him so much..

[lady00]

Hello,

 

so since we exchanged our very brief messages on Friday, I have not heard from him. I really would like to call him and tell him how much I am missing him. I would like to ask him if we can set up a date when we can meet and talk?! Do you think it would be a mistake? I want to see him so much..

 

My question with that would be...if he says no, would you be willing to walk away? I think if you're not at that point yet, it may not be a good idea to contact him. Perhaps wait until you really feel like you have nothing to lose, like you will be okay if he says he does not want to meet you or gives some vague answer about needing more space.

[never-too-late]

I have decided to listen to your advice, which I thank you for very much and I have not initiated any contact with him. I guess I should wait a little longer as we said we won't have any contact for 2 or 3 months and now it's only been one month but I guess I am getting worried that he does not have the need to contact me??!

 

I am going to be strong and leave it for longer. Thanks for keeping me strong! It's the hardest thing ever to stay away from the phone.

[savoie]

hi - i just want to say that i think that you have made a wise decision. think of it this way - if he suddenly had a change of heart - he would contact you. calling him, in reality, only gives you a false sense of security. talking to him may make you feel better for a minute, an hour, a day or two.......but after that feeling of calm passes......you will be right back where you felt right before you called him.

 

i think that it is good that you can show him that you can be patient. i also don't think that you made a mistake by breaking the agreement.....you are showing him that you care. but limit what you do.

 

with all of that said - it makes me sad to see you pining for someone who is not returning the same feelings. but we all go through this at some point in life.....wanting something that is seemingly unattainable......for the moment.......and in some cases - years.

 

i know that you see what is real and good about him. i only hope that you see how he is treating you right now. this is not how love feels. time and introspection will help you - if you use both wisely.

[never-too-late]

I have just spent an hour crying. I am finding this so hard. As much as I am trying to distract myself, trying to plan things for myself, trying to be strong about it, inside me I am feeling very sad. I am loosing faith to believe that he is coming back. I guess the reason why I don't believe it is also because whenever we took some sort of break in the past, he was the one who always found it hard not to contact me, he was the one who in the end of always ended up contacting me but this time this is the longest we have gone without any contact so I guess for him it's really the end. It's only beginning of May and in the end of May, it will be 2 months. The thing is we never said to each other who is going to contact who at the end of the agreed break. Oh I just don't know. I am almost struggling not to pick up the phone.

[savoie]

well - if you do contact him - do it knowing that it likely will not change his feelings for the better and it could make things worse - depending on how you handle yourself.

 

your relationship has had problems for many months now. no contact is generally used to create distance and help one to see things clearer. the problem is you don't want to put the focus on you - you are still focused (somewhat obsessed) on him. if you had anything to do with the problems in the relationship (and its usually a two way street) how are you helping yourself in any relationship by draining your energy day in and day out on what he is thinking? in the end - it you cannot change what he thinks.

 

i've said this before, and i know what you are going through is hard, but you really need to ask yourself why you are living in the past. he isn't the person you fell in love with.....at least towards you he isn't. no other person defines another. no one is that powerful. the only power he holds is what you give to him. but why? why is he deserving of your adoration right now? why is he worth risking your happiness and wellbeing? why do you feel that he is the only person out there that you could find happiness with?

 

do you have a history of depression? i am thinking that if you do, it could be a reason why you are giving this man and this relationship so much value.

 

in the end - you are going to find a reason to contact him if you are that determined. but whatever you do - do what is best for you. no body has a crystal ball - but generally speaking - men go after what they want when they want it.

[savoie]

one thing that i want to add and i think that it might be useful to you - at least something to think about.

 

when i was in my early twenties - my world revolved around my man. in a sense - that is good as long as you know who you are and put yourself up there with how you value your man and the relationship. when we broke up - i was devastated. partly because he was an amazing guy - but mostly because i didn't know how to find happiness within myself. in my own defense, at that age there is immense pressure - everyone is getting married around us and starting families. if i had to add one more bridesmaid dress to my collection of ugly dresses without becoming a bride i was going to totally lose it!

 

like you, i had the upper hand in pther relationships as well. but 15 years - and a two proposals later - i have come to realize that the one motivating factory that drives men away - is desperation. mostly because it is hard to trust what is behind it. passion is one thing - but healthy men LOVE women who love and take care of themselves. don't get me wrong, men still want to be a priority to you. but the single best thing you can do to attract a healthy mate - is to be content with yourself on your own. i am not talking about an attitude that proclaims "i dont need no stinkin man". that is bitter. but learning to be happy, content and accepting of what is loving and good in your life right now.

 

you may be young and i might be older than you - and often times this comes down to life experience. but i promise you that you will find greater happiness when you can honestly say that you don't need someone else to create it for you.

[never-too-late]

Thank you for that! I appreciate it. I am not going to contact him. I am trying to learn to be happy for what I have in my life right now. I am 28 years old and yes most of my friends are in serious relationships, getting engaged, married, moving in with their boyfriends, having babies.. I guess I do feel a little pressured. However, I am rather a picky person when it comes to guys. I do not go just for anyone. I think the reason why I am so disappointed over this is because I broke heart to my ex-boyfriend, who asked me to marry him, who loved me uncondinditonally, but I was too young to settle down, I was not ready for the forever thing. I left him feeling devastated. So when I met my current boyfriend, I liked him and I thought "ok this time, try to get it right, try not to spoil another relationship" and I gave it all because I really did fell in love with him.

[savoie]

i understand - i consider myself to be rather picky too.

 

in terms of what is going on around you - it is hard. you want to be happy for your friends everytime you get that call "im engaged" or "i'm pregnant" or "we're buying our first house"......but deep inside you want it to be you. everything seems to be bliss on that end......and unfortunately society celebrates couples more than they celebrate those who are not otherwise involved. kind of ridiculous actually. however, the reality is that relationships are hard.......and that reality makes you realize the cause for celebration that they elicit. holy cow - living with anyone for more than 5 years deserves a medal!

 

while relationships are hard - it shouldn't be prolonged pain. its possible that your current bf is in the same predicament that you were in with your previous. think back on things - as much as you were devastated, there was probably very little he could do to change how you felt. timing is everything.........

 

im not here to say that you should totally give up on things - anything can happen. but for me, i wish i hadn't let other peoples marriages and life events pressure me the way it did - many are already divorced.........or not happy. i cant believe i envied that.

[JadedStar]

savoie has given you many great thoughts to take away here so I won't repeat them all...

 

What i will say is you do deserve to be moving in with a b/f, or having babies, or getting married or what have you.

 

From what I read on this thread, the man you are hanging onto is not the one this will happen with. He is trying to move on, but your hanging onto this really hard. Men can be very weak and I think he is hoping you will grow weary and be the one to break up because he is afraid to do it.

 

Just move on hon. Find someone closer in proximity so that you can better fulfill all of your relationship dreams. is this really working for you? Is the pain better gotten out all at once by a break up, or prolonged at this slow rate?

[never-too-late]

Hello,

 

i had to come here as I im in pain... well, it's over between us, it's final.

 

he told me 2 nights ago. He was mean to me and when i started to cry, he told me i am like a kid and I should have dealt with it during last month. I was shocked. He was swearing at me so I put the phone down. I felt as if someone is punching my heart. He tried to call many times after that but I could not even pick the phone up. I felt destroyed.

 

He left a message asking me to call him back so we can talk better and finish it in a better way. I did not want to. Whatever way he finishes it,it will cause me pain.

 

he then sent me another meassage and said that it's my fault now how we finished and i will regret it and i am the one responsible for the way we finished, as he was trying to make it better but i chose not to respond.

 

I could not sleep last night. I feel so strange. I cannot describe it. I feel such a pain, it's horrible.

 

I texted him yesterday morning to say that I needed time before responding and he said that he wants to move on even though he likes me. He said that it's for the best. so I told him that even if i don't want that, I have no choice but to let him go.

 

It's so so hard.

[never-too-late]

Yesterday I was at work and suddenly I looked at my phone and there was a message from him. After all he said, he wrote to me:

 

"Hello. I hope you are not feeling too sad and you are not too bad. I am here if you need to talk even if we are not together. I am thinking of you".

 

I did not reply because when I think about it, whenever I wanted to talk to him or needed to talk to him while we were together, he was always irritated or did not have the time. So I don't really see how should I go to him. and after all the things he has told me 2 nights ago and when he was swearing at me and did not have any sympathy that I could be hurt, I don't trust him at all.

 

THis morning I opened my msn account and there was an invitation from an unknown address. The thing is 2 years ago when he broke up with me, I blocked him completely out of my life in order to move on, I was so devastated any small conversation with him made me feel even worse as he never had the intention to be with me but was upset if I did not want to talk to him or be there for him. And he also sent me an invitation on msn from an unknown address, created under one of my friends, I did not know that. So I accepted and he pretended to be my friend. Finally he told me it was him and became really nasty with me that I blocked him. So when I saw this invitation this morning, I am not certain it is from him, maybe not but I do not recognise the address at all so I bloked it and did not accept it. I am careful a second time around.

 

I am ready to move on. It's really hard but he treated me so badly 2 nights ago, I refused to make any more excuses for him that he could be stressed out with work or so. He told me he found a new job 3 weeks ago, which he never told me about and he is still the same now.

 

I think the most painful experience is when he made me feel guilty for not wanting to talk to him 2 nights ago after he was swearing at me, shouting and was nasty and then made me feel bad and responsible for the break up. I will never forget this I think. I never wanted to break up and he turned it all against me. I was trying to protect my feelings but he said "I will regret the way I wanted us to end". When I look back, there were so many situations and occasions when I felt so guilty for everything even though I did not think I did something wrong.

 

Honestly, it is very painful. But at least, now I will be careful when I meet someone new (even though I am so blocked now I don't even want to look at a man). I will watch out for the signs as he made me realise and I learned to whom I should not open my heart and give all.

 

I gave this guy 150%, there were times when I was blamed on here that I am too needy, not independent enough. Yes to some extent I might have issues, which I need to deal with but I honestly think that I tried my best and I was not appreciated for that. He was shouting at me, swearing at me back in January blaming me for not moving closer to him, for not going to his country. I then decided to prepare everything for me to go near and then a month later he turned his back to me, telling me it's not a good idea. So at first he shouts, swears, blames me, and then he says "actually I don't want you to come here".

 

It will take me a long time to get over this relationship because I genuinly loved him with all my heart, I cared for him like for no other but my love seemed to be always wrong for him.

[karvala]

I'm so sorry it has come to this, though I think in your heart you've known for a long time that it's been coming, with the way he's acted towards you. I know you must be in unbearable pain right now, and there's nothing that can really change that at the moment.

 

The only thing I can say is to confirm your opinion that you are *not* the guilty one in any way, shape or form. At the end, you did absolutely the right thing not to pick up again after he'd been abusive and then hung up. He chose to end it that way, not you, and there's nothing you could have done to change things. Really, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. He's just trying to blame you for his consistently poor conduct. Over time, he will realise that you were much better to him than he was to you, and that his loss eventually will be much greater than yours, though it won't feel like that now to you, I know.

[catren]

Oh NTL,

 

I feel so bad for you. Even though he's left you hanging for months now, I know that you truly had hope that it would all work out if you gave it time. I know you must feel devastated right now, even in the midst of your anger. Please,keep posting, we're here for you - for whatever comfort this may provide.

[lady00]

I'm so sorry to hear that. A partner should curse at you. Even if you're in an argument, it's so disrespectful. For me, if a man curses at me, that's it. I can't deal with that. If he can't express his frustration or upset with something I have said or done in some manner other than cursing at me then that is just so immature.

 

I can see his perspective a bit--crying is often seen by people as a way of making them feel guilty for being upset about something and to a certain extent it is. But that doesn't give him the right to curse and tell you you're acting like a kid. The fact that he sent you the message the next day shows that he knows his behavior was messed up. I think all you can do now is what you're doing and stay in NC.

 

Good luck. I know it isn't much comfort but at least you have a resolution now.