Where is he when I need him?

[never-too-late]

I am feeling low and sad It's Saturday evening and I have not heard from my boyfriend today all day. I am just finding his pulling away so hard. I am so worried about the situation. I am trying to be strong, to give him the space he needs. I just really need some strength and some support. I am not sure if I should talk to him but at the same time, I doin't want to ruin any chances..

[never-too-late]

I had to come here to vent instead of picking up the phone and make a contact with my boyfriend. It's 4 .30 am here in my country and I cannot sleep.. I went into bed at 11 pm hoping to get a good night sleep but I woke up feeling stomachache and a heavy pain on my chest. It's Saturday night and I am really worried and anxious.. I have not contacted him all day yesterday but I am so worried that he will go out, which I am sure he will as he won't be sitting at home on Saturday eve, and I am so worried that he is not thinking of me and he is just having fun with other girls... this giving space to him is making me feel so bad.. I want to stay strong though. I am starting a new job on Monday which I am really nervous about and this one more thing is making me feel so nervous and worried. He does not love me anymore when he wants time to himself?

[never-too-late]

I have not contacted my boyfriend this weekend and he called me today I was happy when I saw his missed call and he left a message telling me he wanted to talk to me. So he then called me again and we talked about his job applications he has been doing all of his weekend. I was so worried but he said he was busy applying for jobs and he has done some online tests. He asked me about my job, which I start tomorrow and he wished me good luck. I managed to stay strong, I did not mention anything about our relationship, I did not accuse him of anything and I basically tried my best to give him the space he asked for. We finished the phone call on a friendly note. He has an interview this week so I know he needs to focus on that right now. I just hope he will tell me sometime soon that we should meet up.. but I will try to be patient because up until now it was always on my terms when to meet so I would like him to initiate it.. I just hope he will

[never-too-late]

So we had a chat on Sunday and he was telling me all about his job applications he was doing the whole weekend. It was a good chat and I managed not to ask him anything about us. He texted me on Monday morning wishing me good luck for my new job. I have been trying to keep my distance in order to give him the space he asked for.

 

Today he texted me and he told me how he is mad with his job and how he really wants to quit and how low he feels about it. He told me all about how he feels about it. What is the best support to give him? What should I tell him?

[karvala]

So we had a chat on Sunday and he was telling me all about his job applications he was doing the whole weekend. It was a good chat and I managed not to ask him anything about us. He texted me on Monday morning wishing me good luck for my new job. I have been trying to keep my distance in order to give him the space he asked for.

 

Today he texted me and he told me how he is mad with his job and how he really wants to quit and how low he feels about it. He told me all about how he feels about it. What is the best support to give him? What should I tell him?

 

First and foremost, tell him you understand. From a practical point of view, even use the tried and tested technique of rephrasing what he has said, and saying it back to him, to assure him that you understand, as far as you can. Tell him that you will support him no matter what. Tell him he is great, and better than they deserve. Say all these things that he so desperately wants someone to say, so that he will no longer feel the need to say them, and will calm down considerably. If you know it's good or bad for him to quit, you could support either of those options, but if you do, make sure you don't make it sound easy, or he'll again think you don't understand.

 

From a possibly cynical perspective, this is an excellent opportunity for you to show that you can be supportive, and a positive influence for him, and not a drain on his emotional resources. You've been doing fantastically so far, and I'm sure you'll continue to do so.

[never-too-late]

Hello Karvala,

 

thank you for your advice! What are the things that he wants someone desparetely to tell him that he does not have to say them again? I am not quite sure what do you mean..

 

I told him that I think he is stronger than he thinks he is, and that he has been doing so well facing the difficult situations and that he should look at all the good things he has achieved.. I tried my best to avoid giving him solutions like to quit, I tried to encourage him, I tried to give him an ego boost. I tried to tell him that he is doing well!

[never-too-late]

Do you think it would be a bad idea to ask him when are we going to meet again? or should I wait until he proposes our meeting? I just really want to see him.. but I know he said he needed to focus right now on his job situation.

[tabitha]

when i was in an ldr my bf acted in a similar manner. he was concerned that we were spending more and more time communicating with each other and less time actually getting on with day to day living. i was really upset when he said this as i felt as though i could quite happily spend all day talking to him. i read about other couples who talked endlessly with their SO.

 

however, i didn't want to lose him so i didn't contact him and let him make all the moves. he did so on a daily basis, whether by email or a couple of texts. we had contact every day just not on the phone.

 

we have now been married for the last 6 months and living together for 7. i have him all to myself (with the exception of when we are both at work) and i have never been happier.

 

hang in there if you truly love him.

[never-too-late]

Thank you for your reply! So do you suggest not to ask him to meet me? I really want to tell him how much I want to go and spend the weekend with him. I miss him so much. I know he is busy applying for new jobs and I am trying my best to give him his space but what if I won't meet him for the next months because he would not suggest for us to meet? I know I would be the happiest girl if he does but I know that I will be the one who will be asking him to meet.

[never-too-late]

I was going to send a message last night to say that i miss him and feel lonely without him but i decided not to in the end. I thought i should really be strong and let him be like he has asked for. He has just sent me a message being sweet, asking me how my new job is going and if im ok. i really want to ask him about us, i want to ask him about our relationship and tell him that i want to see him but im not sure if i should just wait more time?

[never-too-late]

sometimes i wonder what does it mean to give him space?

[karvala]

I was going to send a message last night to say that i miss him and feel lonely without him but i decided not to in the end. I thought i should really be strong and let him be like he has asked for. He has just sent me a message being sweet, asking me how my new job is going and if im ok. i really want to ask him about us, i want to ask him about our relationship and tell him that i want to see him but im not sure if i should just wait more time?

 

Yes, you should wait more time, as you know in your heart. It hasn't been that long yet objectively, and if ask now, or send the message that you managed to resist (and good on for not sending it! I know that must have been tough), then all the incredible hard work you've done will be lost, and you'll be back to square one again. Just remember how bad you feel when he asks for space, when you ask him to be loving towards you and he pushes you away, when he makes you feel like a burden to him. You're avoiding all that at the moment, and every day that passes, he will wonder more about you, will realise how strong you can be, will realise that your relationship is something important and beneficial, and not a source of hassle. Stay strong! I know you can do it.

[never-too-late]

Oh how I wish I read your post before our conversation.. he called me tonight. He sounded tired and basically not in the right mood. He asked me about my new job and I asked him about his.. anyway, he was sarcastic and said "great, all is great, life is great, i love my job". He then said he has interviews coming up near my city, we are in a long-distance and I said that's great and that I am happy I can meet him again. He said sure. I then told him that we could discuss our plans because I am planning to move closer to him, at least that was the plan we had if he won't be able to find a job near me. He asked me that he is not sure why I need to talk about it and I told him that I don't see anything wrong with talking about it. I said to him that " I won't talk to him about it then" and he said " we can but I have only thing one thing on my mind right now and that is to sort my career out. He said that he is sorry to say that to me" he then added " I am so stressed with everything but I don't expect you to understand". I then told him "ok, well I wish you good luck with preparation for your interviews and let me know about our meeting". He said sure he will. But I am in tears. I feel like he does not care about me, or our relaionship, I feel that it's not important to him.

[never-too-late]

I think he must be angry with me because I sent him a message this morning asking him if he booked his ticket to go and see me... and what he is doing this weekend and he has not replied back to me.

[never-too-late]

He has just sent me a message and told me that he has booked his ticket and he is going to meet me in 2 weeks time. I just wonder how should I be with him for the next 2 weeks? Should I continue giving him his space? I just really want him to meet me and be happy that he is meeting me and I want us to spend a nice weekend and not have the same problem as last time?

 

What do you think? He is coming to see me and then after the weekend, he has got an interview in near my city.

[lady00]

I think you should just try and relax these next couple of weeks, focus on other things and let your bf contact you. It seems like he's been pretty good about that during the whole "space" thing so just try to go with that and continue giving him space. When he comes to visit, just try to have fun, observe his behavior and listen carefully to what he says and then try to be as supportive as possible. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is focus on work and your life outside of your relationship and then when your bf comes plan some fun things for the two of you together or better yet ask him what he'd like to do and tell him you also had a few things in mind.

[never-too-late]

I think it's really bad now I did not stick to what I said I will do and that's to give my boyfriend space to deal with his job issues.

 

I thought now that's weekend, he may be more available to discuss our relationship. I am sorry if it looks like I did not listen to your advice on this board but I did. I just really needed him last night. I am feeling kind of low at the moment, I don't have a secure job, my relationship with my boyfriend hit a rough patch and I don't have a secure family situation. so I really wanted some reassurance from him yesterday that the one thing that matters to me is fine, that I don't have to worry about loosing him but it might have been the way I communicated it this to him has caused another trouble.

 

So yesterday he told me he is coming over to see me in 2 weeks time, which is great and I am happy for. But like I said I just really needed to talk to him. Maybe I just dont realise to what extent he is stressed and feeling low and down about his own job situation. I spoke to an ex of mine, we are good friends now and he told me that it looks like it that my boyfriend has so much on his plate now, he does not have the capacity to help me or to deal with my issues.

 

Anyway, I texted him last night and I told him that I cannot keep this inside me anymore but I am feeling that we are loosing each other. I said to him that I know he is busy but we don't seem to care about our relationship anymore as much as we used to. I said to him that I understand he is stressed but I don't feel special. I said I know he is trying his best. I said that it's been so long since we said to each other something special, something nice and that I miss that.

 

So I knew when I sent this message that he will think I don't respect his need for space to deal with his job situation. He replied and told me that i am not on the right track and he has warned me many times that he won't be so available these days and he said if I cannot respect it, he will not have another choice but to leave me. He said he does not want to talk whenever I need.

 

I replied and I told him that sure, it's clear. He replied and told me that for the last month, we have been having the same discussion over and over and he is getting fed up with it. He said he explained to me many times that he has so much to deal with it right now and I keep insisting to have these talks. He said I should make my mind up to either accept it and to let him be and respect it and stop asking him about these things or I don't accept it and we stop. he said to stop mixing it as it's very hard for him.

 

I said to him that I accept it it and I will talk to a friend instead. He said good and take a decision and stick to it because if it continues this way, I will decide to stop as it's getting really hard.

 

I said to him that I respect it. He said ok but you need to respect it now, I mean it. It's your choice.

 

I am going to meet him in 2 weeks time. I think he is really angry now with me as I told him before that I will leave him alone, I will let him be, I will let him concentrate and I did it for a few days and he was actually quite sweet but now we are back to where we were. I just really needed him last night do you think it's really bad now?

 

Please help.

[never-too-late]

I am so worried about loosing him! I know he needs to focus on his job situation but what can I do now? Right now? I know he is upset with me as I became needy yesterday and I said some things like we are loosing each other and I don't feel special.. I just wish I could fix things. He is distancing himself from me more and more now.. Isn't he worried about loosing me due to the fact that he focuses on his career so much? He is 26 years old so I know now it's time to do it but I really thought our relationship matters to him? I worry he loves me less than before.

[SarahRose]

This relationship sounds like too much trouble to me. Why are you hanging on?

[never-too-late]

I sent him a message saying I am sorry for what I have told him. I do realise I made him feel bad, i made him feel wrong and I did not listen and I did not respect the fact that he is trying so hard to make his job situation better and he is even trying to apply for jobs near me. He has interviews coming up in 2 weeks. I feel so bad for not being able to respect him and his wishes.

 

Anyway, this morning he sent me one back telling me that I am sorry but it's always like that.. he asked me if I realise that I am loosing him more and more?

 

I know I do realise it. but I just don't know how to respond, how to reply, what do say so I don't make the situation worse than it is?

 

Any suggestions please?

[SarahRose]

He is telling you that you contacting him is making it worse so please do as he asks and simply stop contacting him and asking him about the relationship.

 

Don't reply to him at all.

 

 

That is what you do.

 

Keep bugging him and he will be gone for good.

[karvala]

In a sense, it's up to you here, because I am truly undecided between two possibilities. Obviously, as you know, up until the recent mistake , I'd advocated slowly rebuilding things on the basis of you being fun and relaxed and giving him space, and him wanting to spend more time talking to you and initiating things when he was ready to, and the closeness being gradually restored. It did seem to be working to an extent, but obviously as events have shown, it's almost impossible for you to maintain, which is no criticism of you; it's a very difficult thing you're being asked to do.

 

One option is to have another attempt at that, and hope for the strength to maintain it for a longer period. The other, much more risky option, is to attempt to jump-start things a bit by turning the tables somewhat and going on the offensive. He has been unfair to you here, in claiming that it's "always" like that, and not acknowledging your more recent attempts, so you could let him know that you've been trying hard to give him time and space at great cost to yourself, and you're sorry that he doesn't appear to want to even acknowledge that, let alone join in the effort himself. Then you can remind him of the good times, let him know that these are available still if you *both* make an effort, but you're not prepared to be bullied in this situation any longer.

 

I truly don't know which I would do in your situation now. The risk with the second is that he is angry in response, before seeing the truth of it, and actually ends the relationship, and I would be lax if I didn't warn you of that possibility. On the other hand, the first option is reinforcing a rather unfortunate pattern of behaviour from him now, as well as being almost impossible for you to successfully maintain, so neither option are particularly attractive but it probably has to be one or the other.

[never-too-late]

Thank you all for your replies and your support! I appreciate it very much.

 

Well, I decided to lay low, to give it once more chance, to try to respect my words if I say I will leave him alone, I decided to be strong and not get deffensive about it. I realise that this is our biggest problem in our relationship, once my boyfriend needs to focus on his own life, I panick, worry, get needy, insecure and I accuse him of not loving me and not caring and I start question him aobut our relationship and we start having problems. I remember the same situation happening when he had to focus on his disertation and I remember the same situation when he started his job, his first real job. So I really want to try this time to be stronger and to let him focus. I really want to trust him that he is not doing this in order to hurt me or to make me feel bad or to make me feel upset. I know that even though he works full-time, he spends his lunch times going for interviews, he spends his evenings applying for new jobs, I know he is trying hard. I guess it's the distance that makes me feel so anxious. We don't live in the same city. I know that at the moment, he does not trust me. I know that for the last month or so I have been telling him the same things over and over again that I will leave him alone, I will respect his wish to focus and I have not done it. So I know whatever I say at the moment to him will not seem like the truth.

 

I know that right now I need to concentrate on myself, I need to let him be. I need to give him the support he needs, it is just so hard as I worry so much about loosing him. However, I can see that what I am doing now is actually making him feel like he wants to leave me. So I know I really need to be strong and leave him alone. I guess until he says the words " I don't want to be with you anymore, it's over and I don't want to hear from you" I should not worry. He is a honest, open guy who says the truth even though it hurts so I need to trust that he is still there, he is just less available to me than he normally is and it's not because he does not love me or he does not care but it's because he has so much to worry about right now, he wants to achieve something, he wants to get out of a job he does not like.

 

I sent him a reply and I said to him that I understand him and that I know that right now he does not need other worries. I said that I realise that it puts too much pressure on him and I care for him and want him to do well. I said that I will not bother him with such things (talking about the relationship, making him feel like he is a bad boyfriend) again. I said I appreciate all the efforts he gives and I am here for him if he needs me and that I love him.

 

And now I just really hope I can be strong and let him be. I expect that he will not be in contact with me now. I know that he is upset, angry and maybe disappointed with me as I have promised to him last time I saw him that I will respect his space and I will let him focus. So I really need not to expect of him that he will call me or text me. I just really need to let him be and show him that I mean what I said.

 

I just really needed to write all these things down here to give myself the reassurance that he is not a bad guy, who is trying to hurt me. He did warn me that he has a lot to deal with, it's not like he is just ignoring me, he did consider me and made me aware of the situation and I guess he was hoping that I will be patient and I will understand him.

 

I just hope that it's not too late and this last message will make things at least a little better and make him feel better!

[Openheart1]

Never,

 

It is clear you are not in a loving, trusting relationship. You do not trust your boyfriend, or else you wouldn't be hounding him, emailing him, expressing yourself ad infinitum, even when you know it is making it worse. YOU need to back off, focus on yourself! DO NOT KEEP EMAILING HIM!! Do not keep saying sorry, do not keep trying to reassure yourself that he is there still. I can already tell you have a severe dependency on him whichi is straining the relationship. Trust him, or else what is worth saving?

[never-too-late]

Thanks. I will definitely not contact him now!

 

I just hope he will be fine again.