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Sorry to say it but it sounds like he may be done this time. It sounds like he still really cares about you and likes you but that he doesn't believe you can change and that you will need constant reassurance. It seems like he really tried hard to make it up to you for being inattentive to you recently and he's under a lot of stress. Do you think you can change? I think this will be a recurring problem for you if you can't.

 

Don't contact him unless it is in the form of an apology after which point you must give him space and no longer contact him and let him come to his own conclusions and decide if he wants to come back on his own. When someone is under stress and you're dating them they need to know that you support them and won't add to their stress level. I think right now it's hard for him to see how you won't do that and you really need to take a big step back and allow him to figure out the things he needs to figure out on his own. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...relationships are...well.. complicated. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to relationship problems. But this guy seems to need space and I think all you can do at this point is give it to him. If you want to make a sincere apology then I would do it maybe in the form of a letter or an email and just say that you don't need, want or expect a response but that you just want to take responsibility for the mistakes you've made. Don't promise to change because he won't find that believeable (change is in actions, after all, not words) but if you do apologize make sure that you do it in a way that doesn't blame him...just take responsibility for what you have control over and don't get into a blame game in which you say "well you should have done this and if you did I wouldn't have reacted the way I did." I'm not saying you have done that, I'm just saying its an easy trap to fall into.

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Thanks for your reply.

 

The thing is I did apologise but he said not to say sorry as we have been in this situation many times and nothing has changed. So I am not quite sure what to write to him? Do you have any ideas? The thing is it feels so strange now that he is gone. It feels empty. I don't know what to do. It seems like he is not happy with me and he needs to be alone without me.

 

I will give him space but can you just explain to me what does it mean by giving him space? Does it mean not to talk to him, not to contact him? I feel so lost with this as I am supposed to go and live near him in June but now I am not sure he still wants me there?

 

We are in a long-distance relationship so we do not see each other very often. I think it looks like it that I will not see him for a long time and I feel sad about this. I wish I could see him again but I know that now it's not the time to ask him.

 

I need to concentrate on my life now and let him focus on his. I just don't know anymore if we are still a couple or not.

 

He texted me this morning and asked me if I was well and told me that he has to go and see a doctor. I just dont feel very comfortable when I don't know if we are a couple or not and how to react towards him.

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I have just called him and ask him if it means we are not together anymore. He said he never said that. He said he just needs some time to himself.

 

Okay. Well then I think this time you really really do need to give him space. Do not call, do not email. Do not contact him in any way!! Believe me, if all he wants is some time to himself and he doesn't want to break up (this seems genuine to me...from your last post, it seems like he very much still wants the relationship to work out but you guys have hit a rough patch).

 

Based on your post about his attempt to make it up to you when he came to visit you, it does not sound to me like this guy is trying to string you along. It sounds like his "stress from work" is real, not an excuse. So what you need to do is respect his needs right now. Don't contact him.

 

He does not want an apology. He does not want to hear from you that you will change. He wants to see the change in your behavior.

 

If you contact him, I guarantee you he will not be happy with it. If he contacts you, be yourself, be supportive, be caring but don't be needy. Your need for reassurance from him has caused problems. Really you need to look at yourself and believe you are a good catch. He doesn't need to tell you that. You need to know it within yourself. You need to know and believe that you are a great person to be with. And part of that is listening to, really listening to and respecting your partner's needs. There's no need to feel insecure about where you stand with someone.

 

If someone says they need something in a relationship you have three options: (1) say...that's ridiculous (and in some cases, it is ridiculous and that's when you know to leave the relationship or (2) if they have a good point and are asking for something legitimate then be supportive or (3) get upset and start an argument. I think which option you choose depends a lot of wether the other person's request is legitimate. If they are simply taking advantage of you or demanding too much, it's not and you should bail immediately. If they are asking for something that seems fair and legitimate, then be as supportive as you can be. You will see with that approach they will come to you! They will want to be around someone who is supportive of their legitimate wants and needs in a relationship. They will call you more. Of course, it works both ways. I think it a person is a good partner, they will see how you respect their legitimate wants and needs and they will respect yours right back...you will find yourselves becoming each other's biggest cheerleaders and neither of you will want that to end.

 

So, bottom line...give the man space. Do not contact him. Good luck!!

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Thanks so much for your replies.

 

The thing is I am a bit sad that I cannot spend the Valentine's Day with him. I spoke to a friend of mine, who also knows him, and she said that my boyfriend should make the efforts to see me more often especially if we are in a long-distance relationship. She said if we are going to meet for Valentine's and I said it does not look like it. She said he should be happy if you tell him that you would go and see him next weekend. She is in a relationship with a guy, and they had a long-distance for some time and she said they met each other almost every weekend, called each other every day. This is very far from what we do with my boyfriend.

 

Anyway, after talking to her, she said to me that this situation needs to be solved. I sent a message to my boyfriend, telling him that we could meet this weekend, I could go and see him as it is Valentine's weekend. I really wanted him to say yes. But he replied and said "my love, we have just met and I have many things to do this weekend and I am sure you have got a lot of things to do too as you need to apply for a new job. I need time for myself as I told you. It's a bit surprising that you ask this after the discussion we just had.. but anyway, thanks for porposing".I told my friend and she said that he needs to realise that we need to talk and sort it out. She said if her boyfriend told her this, she would go crazy and she would want to know how long he needs time for himself and when is the next time we will meet. She said it's not fair what he is doing. So I sent him a message and told him that's ok but how long does he need and does that mean he wants no contact from me? He replied and he sounded upset. He said: Did you understand what I explained to you or not? really again i'ts like I did not say anything to you. It's not how long I need. I need time for myself. It's amazing how you said you will give me time and finally you are now making it worse. You don't respect your words when you promised you will give me the space I need. I am upset now". He then sent me another one and said "I respect you but you don't respect me at all".

 

I did not reply but after talking to my friend, I feel like she has a point? Why would he need space? Why would he need time alone? Why would he need time for himself? And he is not even considering that I would want to spend the Valentine's Day with him.. It seems me like I am not important to him.

 

Well, I will leave him alone now. I will not say anything anymore. I should have read your post before I did all this but my friend, who is actually more of his friend, made me realise that I am not so wrong to demand more of him?

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I am sorry you're going through tough times with your bf but honestly...I see his point. I think you're not really putting yourself in his shoes here...you seem to be mainly thinking of your wants and needs.

 

I think it's not a good idea to compare your relationship to someone else's. Your friend and her bf have a different relationship than yours and comparing is probably not going to help you figure out how to address the problems with your bf.

 

He was stressed out, he came to see you and he seemed apologetic from what you posted here. I don't think he would have asked for space again if you had accepted his attempts to make it up to you at face value.

 

You have pushed and pushed, trying to get him to see you again but what he sees is that you're not respecting his needs at all. I am sorry to say this but you are pushing him further away. You need to stop contacting him.

 

When someone asks for space you have to give it them. BUT if you don't want to wait around, you don't have to. You should feel empowered to leave the relationship if you don't want to or can't give your bf the space he has asked for. If you feel he's being unfair then you don't have to stick around. But if you want to stay, you're going to need to respect his needs here.

 

yI don't think your bf is stringing you along based on his behavior the last time he saw you. I don't think he's trying to be unfair to you. I think he's just overwhelmed and stressed out from work. You should be someone he turns to for comfort but instead talking to you makes him feel guilty and more stressed out. Don't contact him and you'll see he will be calling you. He will be surprised (pleasantly) if you leave him alone for a few days. I don't know how long it will take but he will contact you. The fact that he still addresses you as "my dear" is a good sign but I do think you need to stop and think about it this way: a relationship only works if both people are contributing and are on the same wavelengh. When one person pulls away, the natural instinct for the other is to push back...but that will only induce the other person to pull away even more. Please, give him space if you to maintain the relationship.

 

On Valentine's day: Yes, it is a special day for couples but you need to think past that to the future. One Valentine's day/weekend apart is not going to be the most important thing in a relationship that spans many years. You need to prioritize either making this a lasting relationship or leaving and starting over single. If you want this to last then don't put so much emphasis on one day...instead think about how to make the future of the relationship and all of the days in it pleasant.

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The thing is I always thought that when two people are in a relationship, they should be spending time together, planning trips, holidays, talking to one another and so on..and I feel my boyfriend does not seem to be doing any of this with me?

 

My friend asked me tody when am I going to see him again. I could not answer as my boyfriend did not seem to plan anything with me. I understand he needs time for himself but I feel as if he does not seem to care a lot about our relationship and he does not even want to do anything special together?

 

I am planning on giving him space for a month but then I want to write to him and tell him how I truly feel. I feel that if we don't communicate, it will be bad as I will not be happy.

 

You know we were intimate this weeekend so I don't want to feel that our relationship is about meeting each other for that and then when we are apart, we don't even call each other...I am fearing this a lot.

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It's sad and a little frustrating to see this, because I do feel great sympathy towards your position, but at the same time you're like a gambler who keeps thinking that her luck is about to change, and losing more and more with every throw of the dice, flatly refusing to see even what you're being told.

 

Myself, and others, warned you that if you raised the relationship discussion and put pressure (as he will see it) on your bf during the weekend he was there, it would not go well and make the situation worse. You know it's true, but you did it anyway, and sure enough that's what happened, as has happened many times in the past.

 

So what are proposing now? To write to him and tell him how you feel, i.e. another throw of the same dice, another emotional stake put up, more of the relationship on the line, and you'll lose again. And again. And again. And again. Every single time you do it for the foreseeable future.

 

I'm sorry to be so brutal, but you seem in need of a wakeup call here. You don't need to tell him how you feel, he's very well aware of that already. The problem is not that he doesn't know how you feel, the problem is that he doesn't want to hear about it.

 

Now you have pointed out, quite legitimately, that he is in a sense being unfair to you and to the relationship, that his demand for space and lack of commitment are uncharacteristic of many (though certainly not all) relationships, and are certainly causing you a lot of emotional distress. The question is what to do about, and there are three options

 

(1) End the relationship. Probably not attractive to you at this point, although something to seriously consider.

 

(2) Write to him and tell him you feel. Will, with 100% certainly, make things worse, and may even have the same effect as (1).

 

(3) Try to, for now at least, meet his needs in the relationship, in the hope that when his tough work time passes, and he feels closer to you because of the way you will have started to address those needs, he will start to address yours.

 

I honestly am sympathetic; in my current relationship I reached a point somewhat similar to yours, with myself in your position. It's not a nice place to be, and I imagine you find it hard to understand how he can be that way towards you, and wonder why he apparently doesn't care, or is not seemingly interested. But I can tell you, (3) is the only way it is going to get better with the relationship still intact.

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Great advice. I really do think you need to just give him space and stop comparing your relationship to others...yes those things are what people seem to do in relationships when everything is going well and the two people in the relationship are on the same page and are meeting/respecting each others legitimate wants, needs, expectations. Right now, that is not your relationship. You must either respect his needs right now or leave the relationship. I see those as the only two viable options here. Also, although it may be tempting and may seem like a third option: don't leave hoping he will chase you. That's never a good idea and probably will just be perceived as manipulative. You can't make someone to want to be around you. You have to do things and act in a way that will make them desire it, such as respecting their requests.

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Thanks a lot!! I will respect his wish and I will leave him alone. I will not contact him and I will try my best not to panick...

 

but when I spoke to my another friend about it tonight, she said that it looks like he wants to break up with me but just doesn't know how to. It's true that when he was leaving yesterday, he said that he does not feel that spark anymore..

 

I feel stomachache thinking about it. I just have such a hard time letting go?

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I thank you for the support you are giving me! I find it so hard. I find it hard just to think that he could be thinking about leaving? I remember when he used to fight for me and now he no longer seems to worry. I think he honestly does not love me anymore? I want to see him so much, to spend time with him but he does not want to. He wants time to himself, which worries me so much that it could mean that he is no longer interested in seeing me? I mean I cannot even imagine that I would ever tell him that I want time to myself? I would be scared of loosing him. I am so sad I am not handling it very well. I have such a hard time at the moment as I am looking for a new job and I would really want him to support me, to tell me that everything will be fine and that he loves me. But instead I feel unloved, unappreciated and uninteresting. I feel as if he has lost interest in me and this is the most painful experience I have ever had. I want to go somehwere with him, somewhere warm and nice but he told me the thought of us going somehwere makes him feel stressed and worried as we always face a problem. I just don't know if there is a way to make things better, to make him come back to me? I know he says we are still together but I don't feel it

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It's certainly possible that he is thinking about leaving, edging towards the door, but what you must focus on as much as humanly possible is that he hasn't yet gone through the door.

 

The situation is very painful for you, I understand that entirely. Breaking up with him would be even more painful, in the short-term at least. But what would be most painful, I can promise you, would be for him to leave, and you to then spend the next six months thinking about how you had driven him away, how if only you had done x,y and z, he might still be with you. That, most of all, is what you have to avoid, and fortunately you're still in a position to do so, to do x,y and z before he leaves.

 

You can't stop him leaving if he really wants to. You can't make him love you. But as lady00 says, you can do things on your side to make staying in the relationship an attractive option for him, a source of fun, a break from the stress, not adding to it.

 

If the spark has gone, do as much as you can to bring it back on your side. Remember things that you used to do with him or for him, that he would like, and do them, but in the expectation that you will get little or nothing back at first: this isn't a trade, your reward is to know that you're doing everything you can, that he's more likely to stay and things get better, and that if he does leave, it won't be because of anything that you could have done something about.

 

Here's a question I asked myself when I was in your situation, and was surprised by the answer: when was the last time you made him laugh? Give him space, and for what contact there is, give him fun. Make yourself, as far as possible, someone that he will want to be with. Whatever the final outcome, you'll feel better about yourself as a result, I can promise you.

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One thing I would do is stop listening to your friend! It seems that every time you have done something she suggests it has made it worse for you!

 

Your friend may not have success in relationships or may be subconsciously trying to sabotage you.

 

As for the guy, I would 100% leave him alone. Not another email, text, or call. Wait until he comes to you.

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Thanks! I don't think my friend wants to cause any more problems. She is so much in love with her own boyfriend, she would not have any benefit from that. I think she just compares her relationship to mine and cannnot believe that her boyfriend would distance himself in this way.

 

Anyway, I will leave him completely alone!! I will be strong!! I need to do this! Like you guys say, I would not want to push him away further to the point where he would break it off.

 

The thing is what worries me the most that I am kind of feeling helpless that even if I give him the space he needs, the relationship has been kind of destroyed. He sees me as an emotional, needy, insecure girlfriend, who gets constantly upset with him for something, who cries, who is not happy and fun. He even said it himself that after all the troubles we have gone through he lost all the motivation he has in order to rebuild it. And he says that for example, when I mentioned to him the other day that we could meet up and go somewhere, instead of feeling exicted and happy about the idea, he fears it, he feels worried what could go wrong there again. And that is why he does not feel like doing much together.

 

I am not sure if giving him space could fix any of this feelings. It will show him I respect him but it may not give him the confidence to pursue the relaitonship in a way that he would want to do things together. It's so sad. I just don't know if I should hope for something or not as he says he is not sure he can ever overcome this worry he has inside him when he thinks of us two.

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I actually agree, which is why I haven't advocated, and don't agree with, completely ignoring him, because although you certainly need to give him a lot of space, ignoring him does not in itself show him that things can be better or give him a motivation for still being with you, and after a while might even start to look like a game, and make him stressed again by worrying about what's happening.

 

I personally think you should have limited contact here, but *fun* contact. Strictly no talk about where things have gone wrong or even how they can be better or anything like that, no long conversations, no tears, simply interaction that you know will make him feel better, more relaxed. Make him laugh. Tell about things that you've done, to show you have a life outside him and don't need him for everything. That sort of thing. And don't contact him too often.

 

At first, and possibly for a good while, he will be sceptical. He'll expect you to breakdown, he'll still feel constrained in how he can behave around you, and worry how you will react. But over time, if you stick at it, he will start to see that things can be as they used to be, and then, finally, you may start to get some of the things from the relationship that you desperately need, and in a far more rewarding way than always effectively having to ask for them.

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I did not contact him today all day. I have been concentrating on myself today. I am not sure what he is thinking now that I am not contacting him.

 

Good...one day down. The first day is tough. Although it doesn't get easier necessarily at least now you know you can do it, which is great. Good luck!

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I am not feeling well at all I am back to where I was.

 

I have just signed online and he was there too..he asked me about my job search and I asked him about his. He said that he has an interview next week. I said that it's great to hear that. But then he went silent and did not say much.. so I told him goog night and signed off.

 

i did it because i felt he didnt want talk and i know that staying longer would only make things worse. but suddenly i feel insecure that he is honestly not interested in me anymore

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I am not feeling well at all I am back to where I was.

 

I have just signed online and he was there too..he asked me about my job search and I asked him about his. He said that he has an interview next week. I said that it's great to hear that. But then he went silent and did not say much.. so I told him goog night and signed off.

 

i did it because i felt he didnt want talk and i know that staying longer would only make things worse. but suddenly i feel insecure that he is honestly not interested in me anymore

 

I think that was a good move. I assume you let him contact u first, which is great. I think you should just keep doing what you're doing and focusing on you. Good luck. It's rough but you can do it!!

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the problem i see with this is that it just doesn't make sense... he is already distant from you, why does he need MORE space??

 

unless you are calling him and texting him all day long, one would be expect to talk once a day, or text a couple times because you WANT to hear from the person. you would also expect him to try to spend special days with you, like Valentine's day..

 

and most people want to have relationships where they see each other every day, live together and eventually marry. so what does he expect then if he has some work stress, for you to move out of the house for a month?

 

i hate to say this, but people who cheat usually use work as the excuse they hide behind... i.e., they tell their girlfriend/wife that they are late or busy or stressed and can't be/talk to them because they are 'working', when they are in reality spending that time with another women.

 

hearing your story, it sounds like very likely that he is juggling at least one other woman living near him, maybe more, and your calling/texting/visiting him frequently would make it very difficult to explain to whatever other woman/women he may be seeing... so he may want you, but only when it is convenient to him and it does not impact his womanizing with others.

 

and i also hate to say, but tons of people will lie and say what they have to to keep their double life going... so postponing you 6 months into the future for moving together while saying he loves you could just be part of this... and in 6 months, he asks for another 6 months, or breaks it off...

 

so don't spend so much time focusing on being a 'good girl' and not bothering him... your anxiety works very well for him, because it keeps you out there doing exactly what he wants you to do, and not really checking into WHY he wants all this space. i really think this situation is doing nothing but making you insecure, nervous, etc. if there is a way you can find out what he is doing when you are not around, please do it... there is no point waiting patiently for a cheater who has no intentions of getting serious with you in the end...

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He has just called me to wish me Happy Valentine's Day.. I was surprised as I did not expect it as he has already sent me a message this morning. I told him I was happy he called.. we had a small chat about our days. I am trying to give him the space without demanding anything and by being just receptive and pleased by what he does.. I hope this will improve the situation?

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Never,

 

First off, STOP TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR SITUATION! It sounds like your friend is giving you extremely bad advice, mostly because she wants you to be happy but has very little understanding of the feelings between you too. Just stop relying on your friends, because you know what you need to do. I can't help but get so frustrated over your postings because it just does not seem that you gave him any space and now there is a chance that the relationship is damaged due to your persistent antagonizing.. and that is what it is. Your insistance is nothing more than antagonistic, not caring. I see you have done a day of NC, but to be honest it truly sounds like the relationship is becoming damaged more and more because you guys are locked into game playing at this point. On the one hand, he wanted distance, but ends up calling and sending you messages. On the other hand, you are not feeling comfortable in the relationship. Thus, you guys are out of sync in a big way. His stress will not go away any time and he has stressed out over and over again how much he is under. I'd say to him that you want to give him time to focus on himself and get his head together and that you will NOT answer his messages or calls until you feel comfortable that he won't put you on a backburner again due to his stress. At this point, both of you need something; you need to feel like he is into the relationship, but he needs to feel like you have his best interests in your mind and willing to act according to his needs. Both of you, in essense, needs to find trust in each other again, as some of it has disappeared and needs to be redeveloped. I'll wish the best for you.

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Hello all,

 

thanks for your advice!

 

I have been trying to give him the space he asked for. I am not demanding anything of him. I am not asking him about us. I am not asking him when to meet.. I know I need to stop contacting him alltogether. But I just don't feel comfortable with the silence? I feel stronger now than I felt weeks ago but at the same time, I keep thinking to myself have I damaged the relationship too much for him to come back to me feeling happy and excited? Because he seems so closed up whenever he talks to me. He says it's because I always end up crying so he says it's better for him to stay quiet. I never wanted to drive the relationship this way but I just don't know how to make him open up to me? I honestly don't know. I will leave him alone now completely. I have to admit, I have not let him be alone. I really hope that something can be salvaged here? I miss him but this silence makes me feel really worried?

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